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-   -   Can an abuser be forgiven (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=92233)

  • May 13, 2007, 06:04 PM
    teachermama3
    Can an abuser be forgiven
    I am married to a man who has been abusive to me in the past. He has hurt me physically several times. He has not hurt me physically in about 18 months. The verbal and emotional abuse has, however, continued. If someone hasn't hurt you/hit you in this length of time, is it safe to say that the physical abuse is over? Is it possible to then begin to forgive and work on the relationship? Not sure where to go from here- I am at a crossroads. I have an opportunity to leave and start a new life on my own with my children, and I am not sure if I should take it.
  • May 13, 2007, 06:40 PM
    Fr_Chuck
    No, not at all, in fact I would say the worst is still to come, esp since the verbal has not stopped and to be honest the verbal and emotional is worst than the physcial, it can make you a slave with little free will over enough years. He is a time bomb ready to go off. The fact he still believes it is OK, to be verbal abusive, means he has no concern for you, only perhaps fear of going to jail, when it believes he has you under enough control again, the physcial will start and most likely be worst

    He can be forgiven, of course you are not in his home, since we are suppose to forgive all who have done us wrong, So in time living in your own home forgive him, but don't forget and allow yourself to be hurt again

    You should have left years ago, get the new start, you owe it to the children.
  • May 13, 2007, 06:49 PM
    whiteladybug2002
    Yes... Leave!

    Plus what Fr_Chuck said too!
  • May 13, 2007, 09:52 PM
    gypsy456
    Oh teachermama... what do I say ?
    It makes me so sad to read this...

    You should never put up with any form of abuse.
    No matter whether it is physical or not... emotional and verbal abuse... and listen carefully.. . are equally as bad and damaging as physical...

    Leave.
    Pack your bags and run.

    Run as fast as you can and don't return.

    And never again allow anybody to abuse you again... not physically, not emotionally and not verbally.

    Please leave...
  • May 13, 2007, 10:53 PM
    chaplain john
    I'll add a HUGE AMEN to the first three postings here. Pack and run while you have the chance.
    As a Chaplain (Law Enforcement type) I have run across the end product of the kind of relationship you describe and it isn't pretty... Take the kids and run even if you have to leave everything and go to a W.E.A.V.E. Shelter grab the kids and run!!
  • May 14, 2007, 12:09 AM
    Bluerose
    It hasn't stopped. It is simmering like a volcano. Get out now. No one should live like that. Take care of yourself.
  • May 14, 2007, 03:38 AM
    fix-what-you-broke
    To me abuse is abuse, in my eyes your husband should treat you like gold (and vice versa), any kind of abuse shows real lack of respect.
    He may not have hurt you in these past months but I'm guessing he is building up to it.
    My mum ex husband was the same, he would go out every night and sleep with many different woman, then come home and tell my mum that it was her fault because she wasn't attractive enough.all the excuses in the book, then he brought home a sexual desiese,and blamed mum for that too.
    Over time he got worse until he started beating her... then he stopped for months.
    One night he lost it and mum ended up in hospital having stiches over both eyes after he hit her with a pan over the head and face,then beat her whilst she was still on the floor.. all this was in front of me. You have children, take them away from this whilst you have a chance.he will never change, ever.
    He is remarried now and everyone in town knows that he beats his new wife.. you see her around with big shades on to cover the bruises. Don't be any mans punchbag,you deserve so much better, good luck.
  • May 15, 2007, 10:09 AM
    bushg
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by teachermama3
    I am married to a man who has been abusive to me in the past. He has hurt me physically several times. He has not hurt me physically in about 18 months. The verbal and emotional abuse has, however, continued. If someone hasn't hurt you/hit you in this length of time, is it safe to say that the physical abuse is over? Is it possible to then begin to forgive and work on the relationship? Not sure where to go from here- I am at a crossroads. I have an opportunity to leave and start a new life on my own with my children, and I am not sure if I should take it.

    If he is verbally abusing you and getting the results that he wants. Then maby he has no reason to hit you 2. he may be able to control the rage that he feels enough to stop the phyiscal attacks... How long will this last? How brtual are the attacks? 3. What happens when you get tired of the verbal abuse and respond back to him... will he fall back on the physical attacks to put you back in check? When someone shows you what they are believe them... Their actions say everything. I think he has shown you what he is and he will show you every day if you allow him to... It is up to you! How much are you willing to take from this man? Only you can decide. Good Luck. Peace be with you
  • Oct 10, 2011, 11:38 AM
    helpful_bbw74
    The physical abuse may have stopped for 18 months but the verbal and emotional abuse is still there. I'm sorry to say it's not a good reason to be in the relationship. It may be possible that he will be become physical again if he gets to angry with his emotional and verbal abuse. I understand you love him and trust me I have been there. Leave!!
  • Oct 10, 2011, 12:25 PM
    Thai2011
    You can forgive him... yes, but you do not have to stay in that situation. He has stop physically abusing you but he is still verbal and emotionally abusive. They are relatives to each other. Leave while you can and start a new "safe" life for you and your children. Your real love is out there waiting for you, but you need to get yourself well, physically, emotionally and verbally. So take flight and don't look back. You can forgive and love someone and choose not to deal with them... it is OK
  • Jan 1, 2012, 02:47 PM
    carolwashere
    I was in a similar state 5 months ago. I left my boyfriend of 4 years... he hit me in front of my kids. He was also verbally abusive in the past. Also in front of my kids. I moved 200 miles away! Started over. I kept in touch with him, and even went to see him several times. He wanted to move back in with me and start over. I refused to let him, but only because my family means more to me. He decided to not talk to me anymore and is now on a dating site... its only been 5 days! He told me if I won't fight for him , then its over! I love him... for some reason, I can't get him out of my thoughts. I know he loves me , but he's hurting. Although, I believe that he is sorry for his actions. I am not sure he will change. Maybe he did me a favor. But my point is its not easy. I am in pain, and a wreck at the moment. Guess I just have to hope I made the right decision. Good Luck with your, love hurts!
  • Jan 2, 2012, 01:25 PM
    Fr_Chuck
    I am closing this, I will assume Carolwashere you did not even look at the dates, I don't understand why you picked a 4 year old thread to answer,

    Please stay but try to find new posts to answer.

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