I am 23 and have been married for 3 1/2 years. My husband is a wonderful man and we have a beautiful baby. The only problem is me. I am still in love with my ex boyfriend. My ex and I were together off and on for over 2 years. He was always there for me and loved me very much but I was young and stupid and took him for granted. I married my hubby because I was afraid to lose another man that cared about me but I knew at the time that I still loved my ex. I dream about him almost every night and I think about him all the time. I miss him so much it is painful. Whenever I see him (not often, maybe once a year) my breath catches and I feel sick because I can't have him. I have no idea if he even thinks about me anymore. I really hope not. I have never told my husband or anyone this before. It is becoming an obsession. I just need help!

Why did you get married when you had feelings for someone else? That just shows foolishness and immaturity. You married him because you didn't want to lose him, not because you loved him. What you have done could possibly ruin your husband's life. Are you lying to him by telling him you love him? This just seems like a big mess.

It is normal for someone who is happily married to have feelings, memories, and dreams about their ex's that they find hard to "shut down" creep up on them. But not to the extent of still feeling "love", missing them and being obsessed over them... this is not normal. I put love in quotations because what you are feeling, and what you had with your ex, WAS NOT, WAS NOT, WAS NOT, love. Love is commitment, respect, willingness to die for someone. It is a choice, not an emotion. What you experienced was "romantic feelings" for your ex, which is hardly, truly, love.

Your husband is the one who has (hopefully) chosen to truly love you. HE vowed, "till death do you part," and HE has given his life to you. Why in the world would you still be attatched to your ex, and why in the world would you marry?

I suggest telling your husband, sitting down with him, and getting some serious time in at couple's counseling.

You are right I was immature when I married my husband. I was 19 and we should have waited. I do love my husband very much. Believe it or not we have a great relationship. I guess I just feel like he is my friend sometimes and I miss the "romance" of my previous relationship. If I could just stop dreaming about him I think I would be OK...

Maturity makes a big difference, but age aside. I'm 19 and engaged to be married, however, I don't have one ex-boyfriend.
"Feelings" and "romance" are important, but they fade away in time.
Do you mean dreams that you have at night? Or daydreaming/thinking and dwelling on your ex?

I agree with jaime - too much, too young, too soon.

But you can't unscramble an egg. It's done now and you have to put all your effort into the life that you have. Not the life that your fantasy world tells you might have been. The life that you have now, which is real.

Sure, it still all feels romantic with the ex. But you were on and off with him for two years and clearly something was not quite right. Plus you were 15 when you met him!

You need to get it out into the open. You've made a start by talking about it on this site, now you need to talk to someone else. Perhaps your husband is the right person to speak with, I don't know. But it's important that you don't keep it bottled up - or it will explode and destroy the happiness you have.

Jamie,

I am in, almost, the same situation! My ex and I dated for 4 years and I was young and immature and thought the grass was greener on the other side! It wasn't! He moved on and has a fiancé and a baby. I have been married for a little over a year now and I love my husband very much, but, I continue to have dreams about my ex! I didn't start having dreams about him until after I was married a few months and now it's almost every night! It drives me crazy and makes me feel guilty when I wake up next to my husband! I do still have feelings for my ex and I think he does for me but I know, for a fact, that he would never take me back! That's why I moved on. I wish I could completely move on too! I don't know how to stop the dreams! I think there is unfinished business there! I think you have unfinished business too! Maybe you should try to talk to your ex and make a mends with him. Maybe it would help if you could see how happy he is now and if he could see how happy you are! I think I should do the same but I know it's a lot easier said than done! I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one out there that has the feelings! Good luck with everything! I will keep you posted!

You know Ladylove, It sounds to me that you feel that you are in a rut. You married young and have a baby and are feeling that you are missing out. I think you need to plan a date night for the two of you. Tell your husband you need more romance. After you set aside some couple time and stick to it I think your ex will become a distant memory.

Tesh, thank you for sharing your story, but ladylove, the op, hasn't been back since February. I hope she is well on her way to letting go of her ex and building the relationship with her husband and child.

If you would like advice for your own issues, we would be very happy to give you any advice and help we can. Just start a new thread with the background information we would need to give you advice that is suitable for your concerns and issues.

I feel for you. I don't know if maturity really has everything to do with it. I know age is not maturity, but I have gone through the very same thing. My husband and I have known each other for over 20 years. We did not get married until we were in our late 20's. We have 6 children. I could never stop thinking about the ex though. I would dream about him day AND night. My husband is wonderful, just not affectionate. It is like I am living with my best friend, not my lover, and I desperately miss that. In fact, I need that. There has to be more to a marriage than raising kids and paying bills. I need to be kissed, looked at longingly, maybe even bitten.

About a year ago we found out that our teenage son has been doing drugs and drinking heavily. Not only that, but our young daughter told us that the teenager had been molesting her for 2 years. These are unimaginable things to happen to our family. It is as close to the death of children as I can imagine because neither of them are the same now, not physically, or as I had imagined them. It is really devastating for our whole family.

Though this occurrence in my life has been heart crushing, it has made me see what a petty person I was being before. It put a whole lot of things in my life into perspective for me. I now know the value my husband holds to me and our family. I appreciate him more. This friendship is exactly what marriage is about.

I just want you to take a look at what you are doing before it takes a tragedy to get your mind straight. I wish I had appreciated my life more before now.

Good luck to you. Know that you are not alone with those feelings, but try to count your blessings or they could be taken.

I would be very pleased to help you if I only could. But I can't. In fact no one can!

This is your dilemma. Consider, please that you exchanged your "VOW" with your husband. This is who you chose to pledge your fidelity to. Now you have to honor that "Vow".

It is up to you and no one else to put this ex-boyfriend out of your mind and concentrate on your husband and family.

There was a line from the movie "Hoosiers" that centers my thoughts. Gene Hackman has just introduced his H.S. Basketball team to a gym full of children and adults. However, the crowd wants another player on the team. So they start chanting the other player's name. Hackman then interrupts the crowd and tells them, "This is your team. This is who we are"

You are at that point. This is who you are. You are a married woman with a husband and child. Enjoy and love them do not destroy them to get at a dream.

We married at 18. I have never really considered being unfaithful to my Lady. Forget all the hearts and flowers reasons. It comes down to do I want to cause that pain to a Lady I love? No! It is my task to remain true to my Lady. No one else can do that for me.