Ask Me Help Desk

Ask Me Help Desk (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum.php)
-   Emotional Wellbeing (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forumdisplay.php?f=207)
-   -   Friendship? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=532065)

  • Dec 6, 2010, 04:53 AM
    rad0123
    Friendship?
    Hey, I want to tell a little tale about a friend I had. My story will be biased because I hate her now. But ever since this friendship I have felt very alone, and I am too afraid to trust other people. I have lost most of my good friends and my boyfriend had to move away. Sorry this is long, and sorry it is biased. I will try to be completely honest.

    I am 17 almost 18. I met Lacey when I just turned 16. She had been dating John for a year and a half. I met them together. The three of us were really close, those two were my closest friends. Then they broke up. Lacey asked to stay at my house the night it happened, I needed to be there for her, though I had never really known how to have "girlfriend" time - I have always lived with and gotten a long with guys. She laughed with me, didn't cry. Said she missed having sex with him, told me she was pregnant. I told her to stop smoking pot and drinking, and she didn't. But I also smoked pot with her, so I guess I can't put the blame. But I never let her drink. Her mom got married and moved in with her new husband. Lacey and I bonded, she never really cried over John, we just hung out and laughed. I assumed if she wanted to talk about it, she would. She them miscarried, still expressing no grief.
    Her step dad didn't like her and kicked her out, she moved in with me. We were best friends by this point, and I had never had a best friend before. My dad was always my best friend, and I went through boyfriends like shoes, but I was very popular and had lots of friends. She started to get on my nerves, she would boss me around and bluntly end conversations by replying to a statement with "I know". She found some place else to move in, with more room (I have a teeny house). She moved in there and her and John started talking again. Well, more like ****ing. But she hung around his group of friends, and quite forcefully tried to mend their relationship. I could tell he didn't enjoy it, because him and I always understood each other, we were close and bonded well. But yet he would accept the sex.
    Keep in mind that during the period between breaking up and having sex again, she had sex with about four different guys. She told me about them with fleeing laughter as if it was nothing. She would also ditch me to hang out with them, even though we were best friends.
    Her and I started hanging out less, she found a good friend named Bill that would always smoke her out and he really liked her. She told me she didn't sleep with him, but I knew her so well I could tell that was a lie, and it later turned out that I was right. I felt lonely because I sort of put a halt on my social life because I became so obsessed with my best friend. With her, I didn't need a boyfriend, I didn't need sex, I just needed someone to share my adventures with.
    But she still annoyed me. One night, I made a very big mistake. I kissed John. The next morning I told Lacey right away, I apologized. I realized I made a mistake and I admitted to it and said sorry, I took whatever came next because I felt like I deserved it. She called me names, threatened to punch me and stuff. She didn't, when I saw her she just cried a lot. I didn't know if I should comfort her. She said I should. Lacey cried and told me she missed John with all her heart, and she just wanted him to love her. She told me that she started doing hard drugs (she said she started with speed and reached meth) with Bills older sister. She said with her when she was high she could forget about everything. Lacey said that with Bills older sister, high on meth, she burned the pictures of her baby in her belly. She told me she missed her mom being a mom and that the baby was her only connection to John.
    I felt even worse than before. She had never expressed any of this prior.

    I made another mistake. She told me I could never see John again. I always hated her rules. I kept seeing John, but only in friendly ways because he was in my circle of friends. I told her that and she got mad.

    After her episode, she snapped right back into her regular self, just bam! From crying to happy. We smoked a bowl. I was phased. I felt so guilty. Then, I went to camp. I came back and she was having sex with my brother, and had stolen my clothes. I later found out that her pregnancy and her heavy drug use was a lie. I confronted her on having sex with my brother and she remained silent (not responding to my texts, not picking up her phone or ignoring me in person). So I went to my brother, he threw things at me and called me a *****. Then all three of us sat down. I asked her if she took my feelings into consideration. She said, "I told your brother to tell you but he didn't want to, we kept our relationship quiet this whole summer because we didn't want you to know, we know its awkward." My brother really wants us to be friends, but I can't be. Ive never hated someone so much, and I've never been so angry in my life.

    Now she lives with me basically and still steals my clothes, no matter how many times I confront her about it, tell my Dad and my brother, it continues. I hate coming home because I hate seeing her, I just sit alone in my room and listen to them ****. I can never trust a friend again.

    I just want to know that I am not completely shattered, that I can still express myself to people, and have a sweet, funny personality without being walked on. I feel so manipulated and lied to. I hate my life so much because of her.
  • Dec 6, 2010, 08:51 AM
    Jake2008
    There is a lot of drama in your life, and I'd say it's time to take charge, clear it up (and out), and learn how to let go of this female friend.

    While you have strong friendship feelings for her, and all that accompanies that, such as loyalty, faithfulness, reliability, honesty, etc. she shows none of that in return. You may have had moments with her, or times where you felt secure in the friendship, but smoking week together seemed to be the only 'quality' time.

    While you go through relationships yourself, frequently as you said, so too does she. I suspect that unless she has a very good job, she moves from person to person frequently in order to keep her drug supply up. John's older sister may still be in the picuture in that regard. I'm not so sure that her hard drug use was a lie. How can you really know the truth anyway when she sets out to deceive with such skill.

    What you had with her, was a one way street. She used you up, and spit you out, and you are likely not the first friend she's done this to. You were opposites in personality and held different values of what a friendship was. To me it seems like polar opposites. So, I have to ask you, why were you unable to see her behaviour for what it was, and why did you put up with it. And, why does it bother you so much to lose a friend that really never was a friend in the first place. She owes you nothing, and you freely gave of yourself to help her out and do the right thing, as a friend. That part seems painfully clear to me, as over.

    You cannot wait an hope that she will change. She has made her decisions, and her actions speak for themselves. It is a blow that she moved so quickly between men, and ended up with your brother, but that is his problem now, not yours. I can see why you would be uncomfortable having the two of them together in your home. You must feel like your father, and your brother are not very respectful of how uncomfortable it makes you, to have her practically living there, especially considering your history with her.

    The best advice I have for you is to stop torturing yourself. Accept what you cannot change, and learn to either live with it, or move. If you can come to some understanding and acceptance that you are still stinging from being used, and she's still right under your nose, and accept it for what it is, you won't be feeling so involved with her. Or her activity, or her activity with your brother (which will likely also be temporary).

    I would invest in some sort of lock on the closet in your room to stop her from stealing your clothes. Maybe invest in some ear plugs so you don't have to hear them together. Keep as busy as you can with your own circle of friends, of which, she is no longer one of them.

    Think about where you would be with a person who lies about being pregnant, and lies about heavy drug use. If there is more truth than fiction in what she has 'confided' to you just in those two examples, where would you have gone with the relationship. Helped her through her pregnancy, become attached to her baby, continued to provide support, a roof over her head? Maybe rehab, many nights her repeating her use over and over again, with all the consequences of that such as not being in school, no job, no future, no desire to change her life. In other words, a friend like that would have still, in the end, used you up, and spit you out.

    The positve is that you have learned enough now, to know that she is not friendship material, and it would have been all give on your part, and only enough give on her part, for her to get what she wanted or needed. That does not a friendship, or relationship of any kind, make.



  • Dec 6, 2010, 10:47 AM
    rad0123
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    I'm not so sure that her hard drug use was a lie. How can you really know the truth anyway when she sets out to deceive with such skill.

    I knew it was a lie because the more I learned about how drugs are used (like where they are injected) I learned that what she was telling me about using (like where she injected) didn't match up. You can put a needle into your inner thigh because there is too much fat. Things like that. And she said that Bills older sister picked her up and drove her to Seattle for drugs, when Bills older sister does not have a car or her license. Just little pieces I put together.
  • Dec 7, 2010, 10:12 AM
    Aleeravilu
    Quote:

    I knew it was a lie because the more I learned about how drugs are used (like where they are injected) I learned that what she was telling me about using (like where she injected) didn't match up. You can put a needle into your inner thigh because there is too much fat. Things like that. And she said that Bills older sister picked her up and drove her to Seattle for drugs, when Bills older sister does not have a car or her license. Just little pieces I put together.
    Ah no no baby, you're wrong there. I don't know about "other" evidences but those "little pieces of truth" you put together up there are not correct. Technically, you can put a needle Everywhere. It all depends on the length of the syringe, and the size too (some syringes are enormous! ). Also, the car stuff is ea~sy. She could either borrow it from someone or just have her partner in crime borrow it for her etc... zillion of options here. Anyway, I'm saying this not to criticize you or anything, just to voice out my opinion that everything (bad things!) is possible when it comes to those kinds of people.
    Back to the topic.
    There are still 8 billions people out there, do not believe that just because of one stupid **** like her trashes your idea of friendship the rest would too. They are people to whom friendship means more than anything in the world and they would die protecting their friends if they have to. You're just 17 now. You still have so many chances and possibilities in the future. Do not stop trusting in friendship now. The world means nothing without it. And of course sometimes it's best just to have your best friend around (one that doesn't b**** on you), it's better than having boys or having sex.
    People like her you cannot change. So don't bother trying. And don't even Think of going down the same road (stay away from weeds or any kind of smoking materials please, you're not only damaging your health but also other people around you)
    About her and John.
    This is only my thinking. But you know what's her problem? "If I can't have him than You can't either". Yup, that's her problem. She just wanted you to feel guilty and feel bad because you accidentally kissed Her Johny and continue to talk with him because you guys are friends. But that was NOT your mistake. No. Never. So stop blaming yourself.
    She's a leech. And the only way to kill a leech is to burn it down (ah no no I'm not telling you to burn her literally).
    Here's what I would do:
    Try to have a proper talk with your brother and father when that leech is not around.
    (Ask your brother if he still wants to have a proper future, and if his brain went M.I.A all this time, because with That kind of leech around, the only thing you may get is sex, and your money drawn away)
    Buy A LOT more locks to use it on not only your wardrobe, but also on where your family keep the precious stuffs.
    (And really, if I were you, I would freaking take all the clothes that she has stolen from me back, and burn them)
    Sorry, I despise leeches with passion, so if I were too straight forward, I apologize.

  • All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:36 AM.