Help to maximize a professional ear
If you decide to seek professional help, remember they are bound by your forthcoming insights. They need your full co-operation:
First... earnestly... why do you really enjoy hurting the men in your life, is it a form of retaliation, if so, is it direct or indirect. In other words, are they personally responsible for the source of your agony or are they mere stand-ins for the person(s) whom are now out of your reach of influence, out of your sphere of control.
Secondly... Is it that you enjoy hurting them or do you enjoy the sense of power gained by introducing them to a realm of helplessness... you know the value these men place on being there for you... why are you afraid? Do you feel that by transferring "your state of fear and helplessness" will suddenly propel you to overcome? Have you reached the point whereby you KNOW that no matter what you do to them, it does not change the way you feel inside. Have you accepted the fact that it is Normal, it is all right to be LOVED by someone. Have you made a final resolve within yourself that you will trust in LOVE and not fear the uncharted waters that await ahead. Have you made up your mind to include love as your portion, in spite of the fact that many around you have not truly experienced it. Have you decide that you are worthy of adoration and that he whom you strike out at, is not there to cause you pain but aid in pleasure.
If you desire to experience in this life, all that you have imagined, you must stop hiding behind this fake wall of defense. Become more offensive. You can not continue to draw a line in the sand and not allow anyone to get close to you. IT is a miserable form of life and you want and expect more than that; however, it begins with you. They can't read your mind, you must open up and not be afraid. You will be surprised that they will be able to embrace and love the REAL you, but you rob them, you cheat them of experiencing life with you. This extramarital affair is your subconscious screaming "I want to be known by my husband". Answer the cry of your heart... Let your husband know you... permit him in and stop reasoning his response, you do not know what his response will be... give him an opportunity... moreover extend this opportunity to yourself. ALLow life to be your portion. Think about it, you have a chance to BE who you are and on top of that have someone LOVE you. It is less stressful to simply BE, more pleasurable than hiding behind a fake wall of defence. The ultimate choice is yours to make. Whatever you decide... I hope that it liberates you, releases you from the self-constructed prison that you have created for yourself. I know that life has dealt you a bad hand, one that screams, "Protect yourself"... don't let anyone in; however, if you silence the madness... it can not speak. Think about it, when you are alone with your thoughts, you see a more liberated being, you see yourself in a different life... your current actions attempts to silence your core being; however, unsuccessfully. Reason... you can never silence the essence of who you are... your core being Rules and when it is suppressed, it fights back with the same intensity refusing to be a victim of Identity Theft. Your core is REAL, it is the pureset essence of your life force... it will not be denied... it will remind you ever-so-gently, ever-so-confidently, that until you unleash the ties that binds, you will only experience a shadow of things to come... you are the one who must decide... life abundantly or crumb-snatcher shadow of life.