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-   -   I am pregnant and want a divorce (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=393987)

  • Sep 6, 2009, 10:58 AM
    nicckidoodle
    I am pregnant and want a divorce
    Hello,
    I never thought it would come to this... I feel pretty crappy... I have only been married for almost 5 months but we can't get along anymore. We are mean to one another we really say hurtful things, I know 5 months is not long but before we got married we have been together for 6 years. We had been engaged for 2 of those. But we got married when we found out we were pregnant about 3 months along. I know it was dumb getting married just because of the baby, but we really thought it would be the best thing for her. Now I know it was the rong thing to do. I'm now 8 months pregnant and trying to figure out how to handle all of this. I want to have it settled by the time she gets here but I know that's not going to happen... I just need someone to tell me how to start this mess. Imean do I have to file for custody on a newborn? I do not want child support and he said he will turn his rights to her over if I really want him to, I love him but we can't do this screaming and cussing at each other saying terrible things to one another we can't put our poor baby in the middle. Please some advice for a heart broke mommy to be
  • Sep 6, 2009, 11:01 AM
    s_cianci
    Personally, I would urge you to try marriage counseling before rushing into a divorce. After all, you survived together for 6 years and engaged for 2. Then you just started having problems after taking the plunge? Something tells me that this marriage is fixable so I'd start there.
  • Sep 6, 2009, 11:09 AM
    nicckidoodle
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by s_cianci View Post
    Personally, I would urge you to try marriage counseling before rushing into a divorce. After all, you survived together for 6 years and engaged for 2. Then you just started having problems after taking the plunge? Something tells me that this marriage is fixable so I'd start there.

    He thinks he's a big man and refuses to even give counsling a try he says they are all liberals and know nothing. God know I've tried to get him to go to even church marriage counsling, and no these problems have been here along time we just thought that with the baby coming that we could put them aside for her but apparently nither of us is big enough to do that
  • Sep 6, 2009, 11:16 AM
    artlady

    You have a communication problem.
    Communication and learning how to fight fair are learned skills that could possibly save your marriage.

    Love is the easy part but marriages take work.Good relationships and communication don't just happen,they have to be created.

    It is also not a good idea to make life altering decisions when you are going through a life changing event!

    Having a baby is a major stressful event ,yes,it is beautiful but it is also a time of high stress.Not a good time to make other huge decisions.

    Marriage counseling could very well save your marriage.

    If you are convinced this is what you should do I would rethink the not having him pay child support!

    Children are expensive and you may find that you regret giving him a free pass regarding support.

    He also needs to be involved in her life.
    Signing over his rights is a huge step that he may very well come to regret.

    She has two parents and you should both be involved in her life.
    She would be cheated out of having a father and that is unfair,simply because the two of you were unable to work out your communication problem.
  • Sep 6, 2009, 05:11 PM
    artlady

    Quote:

    he thinks he's a big man and refuses to even give counsling
    Right there you are being derogatory of him. Also you can counsel alone and help you.

    That's what some people do after being in a long term relationship.

    They think they have some right to take their partner and their feelings for granted.

    Its insane!
    I have been a verbal abuser and the things you say are ONLY meant to hurt. you think its OK to say any nasty thing to each other.

    You would never think of saying such things to anyone else.

    I think indifference is when things are truly over.

    What are you fighting for?
    What are you fighting about?

    Fight the good fight! Fight for your love or it will be gone because you were not willing to work for it!
  • Sep 6, 2009, 07:01 PM
    little_n_lost

    OK I'm sorry to hear your marriage is falling apart but hold strong. If you can move into your parents or friends place for a while if that's possible if not there are many places you can go for support and a roof over your head even though it might not be ideal like a young mothers institute or something. Try not to get into any arguments as you shouldn't be getting so stressed this far along in your pregnancy as it will effect the baby. Just try to calm the atmosphere even if that means going for a walk or drive or popping round the neighbours for a chat. Keep talking to people and you'll find the right answer. Hope I've helped even a little take care XxX
  • Sep 6, 2009, 07:32 PM
    jennifer1010

    I'm going to have to agree with the posts above. I mean if you were together for 6 years before getting married, I think that talking to someone will help save your marriage. I believe that you two do have a communication problem and you should some how get him to go talk to someone with you. Tell him to do it not for you, not even for himself if he doesn't want to but for the baby. After all, you two did get married for the baby.
  • Sep 7, 2009, 01:53 PM
    Jake2008
    I agree with all the others, it is not the time to figure out how to divorce your husband, have him sign over his rights, and start a new life for your soon-to-be baby, which will be born the product of a broken home. Let alone take on raising him/her as a single parent.

    What happened to bring you to this point.

    Other than feeling 'crappy', and arguing a lot, what is the problem.

    If, like others have suggested, that it is a problem of communication, there are many things that you can do to improve that. Books, video's, counselling for starters. I don't see where your husband has a choice whether to work on his marriage, and whether to be a father.

    He has an absolute obligation to work on his marriage, and, he is as responsible for the baby as you are. You are both obligated to at least try to find a better way to communicate. It isn't an option to negotiate the life of this child in the same way you would negotiate the sale of a car. It sounds very, very cold to me.

    Surely the both of you can find a way to work out your problems for the sake of this child you are bringing into the world?
  • Sep 7, 2009, 06:27 PM
    nicckidoodle

    I want to thank you all for your advice, and I also want to elaborate a little further into the problems... when things are good between us they are amazing that's why I married him I love him very much and I know he loves me. But the fights come in waves now and they leave me drained.. I was my husbands first everything, first kiss first girlfriend first love first EVERYTHING. And he can't stand the fact that I had other "relationships" intamate ones at that. Now he is feeling really tied down he likes to say things like I wish we weren't togheter so I could have sex with this girl from our old school or that girl over there. Just things like that our sex life is disgusting to him he needs more. Then our other fights will be about the dumbest things dinner, or something we herd on the radio, or anything we can get a rise out of one another. Then once we do we will NOT let it go till we are screaming and cussing and telling each other how much we hate each other and anything else hurtful we can tink of
  • Sep 7, 2009, 06:30 PM
    nicckidoodle

    I want more than anything to raise our daughter as a family but I don't know how to stop this bull
  • Sep 7, 2009, 07:32 PM
    MsMewiththat
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by nicckidoodle View Post
    I want more than anything to raise our daughter as a family but i dont know how to stop this bull

    HOw you stop is, is that you grow up and put yourself aside for the benefit for your child. BEing parents is selfless. I would imagine that you are a ball of energy and nerves and hormones and you need to consider this as you argue with your husband. It's heartbreaking to read this type of post. You have been with this man for 6 years. Really What's different. 5 months down the road of "marriage" and you can't do it anymore. I think not. If you think always that you have this "out" called divorce... do you always tend to think of it as your option. My feelings are you need to stick with it... hang in there for your child. Be strong. This is what you took vows for and sign up for when you decided to be a parent. Learn... grow...
  • Sep 8, 2009, 06:28 PM
    artlady

    He is absent and that sucks.

    You are ready to be a Mom :rolleyes:;):eek:

    The coolest and most intense thing that will ever happen in your life.
    Don't ever allow anyone to negate that!

    Even if they tried they couldn't ,for real!

    Shine on and do what is good for you and your baby :D

    I am 55 ans I would love to have another baby :)
  • Sep 11, 2009, 09:53 AM
    nicckidoodle

    After a lot of begging and pleding with him and another blow up I got him to agree to at least go with me and sitdown to talk to our pastor. He thinks I'm doing this to embarrass him. I told him that no one of our friends or family has to know and that its for us and our daughter so he needs to step up and leave his pride aside for a minute and I would do the same for the sake of our marriage, and that I wouldn't do anything like this to embarrass him because frankly it embarrasses me that we have came to this point. Marriage hasn't changed anything for us except he sees it as a way of tieing him down before we were married he thought he could just leave without any consiquences, but now that we are married if he wants to leave me it's a little harder. I love this man and you are all right I am going to fight like hell to do what I can't to keep my marriage and my family, but I also know I can't only do so much and that he has to want it and try too that's the part that is so upsetting to me, I don't know what he really wants he gives me really crossed signals, and he won't talk to me about it that men don't talk about these kind of things.
  • Sep 11, 2009, 09:55 AM
    nicckidoodle
    When I say "men dont talk about these things"
    Those are his words not mine
  • Sep 11, 2009, 10:21 AM
    Jake2008
    Well, my opinion is, men don't talk about these things! Lol At least any of the men I've known in my life.

    It's good he's going to go and talk to the Pastor with you. Clearing some of the air will make all the difference. He'll see that it's not so hard, and it's not so complicated to get things out honestly.

    Good for you for pushing it to get it done. Had you not, you'd probably always wonder... what if.
  • Sep 11, 2009, 07:21 PM
    twinkiedooter

    Niki - he sounds like he's extremely immature and needs to grow up. Having an out like divorce is neat and all, but why bother getting married if he didn't want to be "tied down"? He needs to get his head screwed on straight. What does his parents say about this behavior of his? Are they a nice, loving long time married couple that he's had first hand exposure to a loving, long time relationship or are they divorced and bitter with each other? He obviously has some real hang up going on in his head in that he suddenly after 6 years decides he's not interested anymore. That's a real head scratcher. If you can't save your marriage prior to the child being born I feel sorry for you and your unborn child in that you deserve a husband and full time father for your child. Some men never grow up. Some men do grow up after the child is here. Hopefully he will fall into the latter category and stick around once she is here. He just may be scared to death about all the unbelieveable added responsibility of you and a new baby on his shoulders and is freaking out big time. Maybe he will open up to the pastor and do some growing up while he talks. I hope he does.
  • Sep 13, 2009, 10:29 AM
    nicckidoodle
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by twinkiedooter View Post
    Niki - he sounds like he's extremely immature and needs to grow up. Having an out like divorce is neat and all, but why bother getting married if he didn't want to be "tied down"? He needs to get his head screwed on straight. What does his parents say about this behavior of his? Are they a nice, loving long time married couple that he's had first hand exposure to a loving, long time relationship or are they divorced and bitter with each other? He obviously has some real hang up going on in his head in that he suddenly after 6 years decides he's not interested anymore. That's a real head scratcher. If you can't save your marriage prior to the child being born I feel sorry for you and your unborn child in that you deserve a husband and full time father for your child. Some men never grow up. Some men do grow up after the child is here. Hopefully he will fall into the latter category and stick around once she is here. He just may be scared to death about all the unbelieveable added responsibility of you and a new baby on his shoulders and is freaking out big time. Maybe he will open up to the pastor and do some growing up while he talks. I hope he does.

    Both of his parents are remarried his moms new husband has infidelity issues,his mother is very emotionally effected buy this and it shows strongly, and he has just resently met his 22 year old brother from his father that no one knew existed, there are a lot of issues there that he has never and says will never share because he says he is to strong to let it effect him which it obviously has, I hope our meeting tomorrow with the pastor helps
  • Sep 13, 2009, 05:57 PM
    Curious108

    Maybe you could just be going through mood swings.Its very common in a pregnancy.You both should get counseling.Once you have your baby you should see how things work out.
  • Oct 11, 2010, 03:46 AM
    rachgonz
    I can't give you any advice, or tell you how to do anything, In fact Im in the same situation with a baby on the way soon. Im 7 months pregnant and things arnt going the way I would have pictured it. I guess all you can do is pray for him and be strong and hope maybe he will start to see what's going on. The one thing I do know is nomatter how bad he is we have to remember we say the same things. Even though most of the time we don't remember. I love my husband more than anything and I still question myself everyday if I can go through this or not. Sometimes men are weak and you have to be the brave one. That's why they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and this is just an event to test such a thing. Im only 21 but I have been though some rough stuff and even as I write this now tears are falling because I also just got into it with him and I know completely how you feel. You can't push him to do anything he doesn't want, ask him but remember only ask.. Don't pressure him or give him consequences because it will just drive him away even more. Patients is really hard but if you give him a chance to be the man you saw in him he will come though. Sometimes as women we have to realize that our men are in fact men and they don't see eye to eye with us. What I have gotten into the habit of doing is writing in a journal all the things I am feeling at that moment, exactly what happened and what I did and what he did. I wait till I feel better and read it, you should try it because it surprised me of how upset I got over the dumbest things.

    There is no such thing as the perfect marriage. Just like there are no perfect people. Just like life you got to put some work into it, but I promise you that if you put some work into it and pray for him he will eventually become the man God made him to be for you, and for your baby. Good luck with everything and I hope it all turns out okay
  • Oct 12, 2010, 02:28 PM
    dontknownuthin

    The first year of marriage is rough for most people so I would hang in there for now. I'd also recommend you to go to counseling on your own. Even learning better how to communicate what you want and need to your husband could make a huge difference. For example, women sometimes vent to our husbands and don't expect them to do anything to solve our problems, but they feel that we are dissatisfied with them because they aren't solving our problems and get impatient with our complaints. Those kinds of dynamics can be turned around pretty quickly, and even one person getting counseling can make a big difference.

    If you go to counseling and he sees some things getting better because you are communicating better and you are listening better, he may see the value of going himself.

    It's also helpful to know that sometimes marriage isn't great - there are rocky times. Long married people can tell you a lot of the reason they've lasted and ended up with great marriages is just that they didn't consider divorce an option - they waded through the tough times and tried to learn from them and make adjustments, both in what they are willing to give and what they expect.

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