Threads merged

There's this guy that I'm friendly with... don't know him very well but we have many mutual friends so bump into each other now and again at parties, social events... and we were on a music society committee together when we were at the same university.

Anyway, the whole time we knew each other in university I was in a relationship. I thought he was a very attractive guy but was happy with my boyfriend so only saw him as a friend i.e. he was the kind of guy I would've tried to set my single friends up with because I thought he was a catch. He is funny, intelligent, outgoing, caring, and also pretty good looking. In fact I knew he was looking to be in a relationship but was looking for the 'right' girl... for him it was very important that they were musical and like the same bands as him.

We have the same taste in music and have a lot in common. But, as nice as he is, I have always found him kind of awkward with me. He's so nice that I wanted to become better friends with him but he was always kind of hot and cold. Sometimes he is really chatty and walks me home from parties, compliments my clothes, tells my friends how I have a 'great taste in music.' But then other times he is awkward in conversation, not as chatty as he is with other people and there are awkward silences. I don't get it?

Now, I am no longer with my boyfriend and we have both moved a new city where he is living with a group of my friends. Recently I have started to really like him but I am afraid to make a move because if he is not into me I don't want to make it awkward and not be able to be friends with him.

And then the last time I saw him at a party in their house, I had missed my bus and didn't have enough money for a taxi. He said to me "you can sleep in my bed if you like...no funny business or anything...but it'd be more comfortable than the couch. Honestly it's no problem if you want to." Now I know you'll say that's obviously him making a move but the way he said it it was as if he really doesn't fancy me at all and that's why it would be fine for us to share a bed if you get me..

So... I'm seeing him again in a few weeks after exams. Do you guys have any tips on how I can subtly let him know I like him and ways I can test if he might be into me as well? Thanks so much x

You could just ask him out,simple as that.

If he says no,you have your answer,and can still be friends,if he says yes,the ntake it from there.

You may think as I once did that asking a guy out is against 'the rules' but in fact its very common, I myself asked my now fiancé out on our first date.

Since you're the one who has feelings for him, you might interpret all his actions and words into thinking that he also has feelings for you too.

But regardless of how much analysis we do with you, you'll only find out the truth if you ask him directly or if he outright confesses his feelings to you.

As for the risk of losing him as a friend. The way I see it is, if you guys were really meant to be friends, your feelings for him won't get in the way of that friendship. If anything, it might strengthen your friendship once the feelings are out in the open and you can deal with them accordingly. The tension would be gone and you won't have to play anymore mind games with each other. You would be able to be honest with each other and that's when your friendship can really blossom.

If you stop being friends because of your feelings, then it sounds more like you were going to stop being friends at some point anyway, you just sped up the process.

However, I see mostly positives in letting him know how you feel and I highly doubt that you will lose his friendship, as long as you guys are open and honest with each other.

If you like him as much as you say you do, you're already giving him subtle hints I'm sure. Touching him and making eye contact during conversation, those are dead give-aways.

When you did you break up with your boyfriend? I'm asking because, if the breakup is recent, you might just be on the rebound, and if this is the case, this may be the reason for his behavior.

I agree with all the advice already given. Its aways scary to take that first step, but look how Redhead35 meet the man to be her soulmate!! Go ahead, take that step!!

Thank you all so much for your advice.

@redhed35 and @I wish - Thanks so much and part of me does very much agree with you... what have I got to lose? At the same time, I come from Ireland which does not have much (if at all) of a dating culture so not only would it feel odd for me to ask him out but I would also be shocked if he asked me on a date.

@slapshot_oi - thanks. I actually haven't been touching him or being flirty with him at all. I do have a tendency to be flirty but because I really like him I find myself less relaxed with him... because he is exactly the kind of guy I'd like to be with that I am nervous around him or something. Also because I only see him in groups I have not really spoken to him one on one since I realised that I have feelings for him. I broke up with my boyfriend 7months ago so I don't feel like he is a rebound for me. If anything I have learned from my previous relationship and have a much clearer idea of the kind of guy I am looking for... from what I know of this guy, he ticks pretty much all of the boxes.

I think it is too early for me to ask him out and I know I don't feel comfortable doing that just yet but I will try to talk to him one on one and will be myself and see what signals he send back. If he responds positively to my flirting then I will reconsider asking him to a gig or something.

Do you think it might be a good idea to let my friends (who are his housemates) know how I feel about him? They might some insights into his feelings?

Sue, redhed is in Ireland, too.

It seems to me that you are making excuses and putting up barriers out of fear of being rejected.

If you are a mature adult, don't play schoolyard games of asking friends what he thinks about you. They may have very incorrect information on his perceptions.

If you 'test' whether he likes you now, will the 'testing' ever stop?

Talking to him is great. Get to know him. Get to know what he thinks. However, don't search out clues in what you think he is saying. It is one of the easiest ways to start a misunderstanding.

A date doesn't have to be a big deal. Invite him out to coffee/tea or lunch as a thank you for him loaning you his bed. Appreciation can be a great ice breaker.

Thanks again for all your advice. Just thought I'd let you know that I saw him few days ago at my friend's house and I tried to be more obvious about my feelings. I was friendly and flirty, touching him etc. anyway we ended up staying up late talking and we kissed on the walk home. He told me he has liked me for a long time but thought I was still with my boyfriend so hadn't made a move. We are meeting up later this week for a meal and a movie. I'm really excited! Thanks so much x

Thank you for the update. :)

I am very happy that it seems to be working out for you. I hope you both have fun getting to know one another.

This question is in relation to a guy that I have liked for quite a long time and have just started dating. More info can be found in my other question;

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/nice-guy-likes-me-544018.html

We have been dating for the past 2 weeks - have seen each other 4 times. Our first few dates could not have been more perfect - he told me straight out after the first date that he was crazy about me, wanted to take it further and wanted to know if I was on board. I told him I also really liked him and was very excited that he felt the same. However, it is a slightly awkward situation because he had been dating a friend of mine for 3 months and had broken up with her earlier this year when it didn't work out. Therefore we decided that I needed to contact her to make sure she heard about it from us and was OK about it... we didn't want to start seeing each other behind her back. So, I rang her and she was weird about it but took it very well, all things considered.

So... here is my confusion and where I need help;

Everything had been going sooo well. He was very affectionate, thoughtful, contacting me everyday, telling me he had always really liked me etc... then tonight after we had (what I thought was) a lovely evening out in a restaurant at dinner - he told me at the end of the night that he was been feeling incredibly guilty about what we have done to my friend/his ex. He told me he doesn't have feelings for her anymore and doesn't want to be with her but feels that what we have done to her is very mean and hurtful and that he feels it is putting a black cloud over any relationship we would start up now. Therefore, he feels he needs time to sort his head out and can not continue to date me at the moment.

I told him that I would prefer if he was honest with me because it just sounds like he doesn't have feelings for me and is using this as an easy excuse to end it. But he assured me that he does and always has had strong feelings for me but feels that as things are he can't start a relationship with me now. However, he said he is not ruling it out in future.

We left it that we will stop seeing each other now. I told him that I still really like him, the ball is in his court and that I don't feel I can just go back to being friends with him just now.

So... why his sudden change of heart? Do you think maybe he does really still have feelings for his ex? Or can I actually believe him that he 'wants to do things right' with me and wait until he is ready to start a relationship properly.. I'm so confused because he has sent me such mixed messages and in reality if he really felt as he says he does... surely his feelings would overpower his 'guilt' about hurting his ex. Any help with help me out, thanks

Does anyone know why my threads have merged? I would really like help on what has happening recently but my new question has disappeared and has been replaced by my old question..?

If your posting in the new skin there may be a time delay, I can see your new question, and your old question has been merged so everyone can read the full story.

I have to agree with you that if his feelings were as strong as he says there would be no problem with his ex, as she was OK with you two dating, she may have contacted him afterwards.. thats just a guess though.

Hard to know why he changed his mind, after all an ex is just that an ex.

My advice is treat this as if its over and move on, let him sort out his head without you holding your breath waiting on him.

OK, so its hurts, this guy was not it, maybe the next one will.

Start no contact, move on.

Don't worry, we can see your newest post. Hopefully it's the time delay factor.

As for advice concering your situation. I think you had it right, the ball is on his side of the court. There's no way to know what is really going on in his mind, but he made it clear that he wants time. Once he's ready to speak, he will definitely find you.

It's not fair to you to wait forever either. But only you can decide how long you want to wait for her. He can't tell you how long you should wait for him. He should have accepted the possible consequence that you might not be there when he comes back to you.

To recap, the ball is on his side of the court in terms of explaining his actions, you don't need to speculate. As for you, you just need to decide how long you want to wait for him.

When did they break up? Your original question (dated Jan. 14) didn't mention anything about him being in a relationship when he was offering you his bed or when you finally started going out. If he was still seeing her or had just broken up with her when he started having feelings for you, then guilt may be a very big part of his problem. It doesn't sound like he took time to get over the previous relationship and unpack the emotional baggage he started carrying before it ended.

It sounds like he may have jumped from one relationship to another and that is not a good thing to do. He has ended up confused and confusing you.

Let him have his space and time, but don't put your life on hold. Don't jump into another relationship (or back into this one) without spending some time going out just for fun and getting to know each other without the emotional entanglement.

Maybe you were ready for an exclusive relationship, and weren't on a rebound, but he obviously is. He ain't ready yet, plain and simple. He needs time, give it to him, but don't wait for him to be ready, have your own fun, and enjoy your flirting, and activities with others.

You had time to heal, he needs the same, so do your thing and you never know what can happen at a future time, but for now, its your world, explore it. Hey you had fun with him, go have fun with others.

They broke up in Oct... they had been dating since during the summer. He wasn't in a relationship when he offered me his bed etc. I don't think I was in any way the reason that they broke up... he told me it was because the long distance wasn't working and he just didn't 'feel it' for her. But said he always really respected her so hates the thought of upsetting her or making things awkward between me and her. But he did also tell me that he has liked me since he met me and since we've been living in the same city had hoped that we may end up together a some stage... so maybe he does feel guilty about those feelings he had while he was with her.

He emailed me this weekend to apologize and try to explain it all better... he said it's because he cares about me that he doesn't want to rush into things when it doesn't feel right. But also realizes it's unfair for me to wait around for him. So for now we are leaving it altogether and going to try to be friendly with each other (as in, we will definitely be seeing each other at mutual friends parties and that... but no hanging out alone anymore)

I had first been very hurt that he said it was the wrong time because it felt like he was making up an excuse... but at the end of the day it might be a blessing in disguise. I could do with more independent time and there is no point starting up something with someone I see a possible future with if he currently has emotional baggage. I'm happy to keep distant, give him time, and wait and see. If nothing ends up happening in future... c'est la vie... there's more fish in the sea. Thanks everyone!

I am glad you are looking at the bright side.

Enjoy yourself and have fun. :)

Threads merged


Hi again,

I need some help please. It is regarding the guy from my previous questions - so, I haven't seen him and I haven't spoken to him since he decided he wanted to leave things "maybe just for now" or whatever. I had a chance a few weeks ago to go out and meet up with our mutual group of friends (he would have been there) but last minute I decided not to go because it was out of my way and my car was being serviced so it would have been difficult for me to get there.

I've just been asked to go for dinner to their house tomorrow evening and I suddenly feel very nervous about it... I want to get the first time we see each other out of the way because I know it'll be awkward but I feel a sit down dinner with only him and his housemates would be difficult for the first meeting. At the same time, we only tried out the dating thing for not even a month so it wasn't a big deal... and I don't want it to be awkward forever and the longer we go without seeing each other I feel the more awkward it will be. I especially would hate it to get to a stage where I avoid my friends because he'll be there.

I'm not sure how I feel about him now so it's not that I've been pining over him. I do still have feelings for the guy I knew for the past few years but the way things ended I'm still confused and have doubts about him now... as in, I'm not sure if he's who I thought he was and was being honest when he ended things and actually needed time 'to sort himself out' or if it was an excuse he used.

I am usually a very confident girl so it's annoying me that I'm letting this get to me and I'm over-analysing and stuff...

So, my question is... should I just put on a brave face and go? If I do go, how should I act - happy and friendly as if nothing has happened or should I maybe pull him aside during the night and just say something along the lines of "we're cool yeh?" to make things less awkward for him? What do you think? Thanks!

sue1987,

The excuses are many, the truth is they want out and they try not to hurt our feeling so they choose a lie over the truth. Some folks would get it and just say "Fine" and move on with their life. But some people need closure and hang on too long hoping to get it. If going to this dinner brings you that closure then go. If it is too uncomfortable you can always leave. But at least you will know you tried rather than sit at home fretting about that first not-a-couple-anymore meeting. Relax, just be yourself and enjoy the evening.

I think you need a broader social life that doesn't include him or mutual friends. Its obvious that you are afraid at this time of being around him, so don't be until you are your confident self again.

No need to force things before you are ready.