Had sex with my best friend, what do I do now?
I've been friends with "Jane" for about 2 years. In fact upon moving to a new state and starting over she was one of the first friends I made here.
In the back of my head I always had some attraction for her. I don't know if it started genuine or just the "I want what I can't have" complex. Either way, for about a year now we've been as close as I've ever been to any friend I've ever had, no doubt about it.
I don't know why I make best friends of the opposite sex, but somehow it turns out that way. Anyway, we've gotten to be such good friends that in public, in private, wherever, we'll say we're brother and sister.
Well the other night we went bar-hopping, a very lame activity but I had just gotten a new car and we were having fun. At the last bar we went to that night, as it closed down "Jane" was hitting on the bartender. I thought it was kind of funny personally but I figured what the hell, she was the last girl in the bar so I knew I wasn't getting any, so I tried to hook her up with the bartender.
Well that didn't work out, so we left. Now "Jane" is the type who really can't stand rejection, she lets it get to her and it really hurts to see sometimes. She sat down on the curb in the parking lot of the bar as we were walking outside crying about "does the bartender think I'm ugly" which believe me if you saw her you would know is the farthest thing from the truth.
She's "F'ing" beautiful, but sadly she refuses to believe it. So she made some comment about wanting someone to just come and take advantage of her, do whatever they wanted to her, so me being part smart and part honest, I told her she shouldn't say that around me.
After a few I get her up and in the car and I'm driving back to her car, having forgotten what had just happen in the parking lot. All of a sudden, she asks me if she's pretty enough for me to have sex with her, and if we hooked up could I keep a secret.
Being that I was a little drunk and part of me had wanted it for years, we stopped at my place, which was just down the road from her car and went at it, twice. Talked for a few in between about this and that. She told me she always had this fantasy of being taken out in the middle of nowhere and "spanked like a little brat."
Ok, what the hell, we'd already taken it this far why not. So we go and do that. Finally I take her back to her car and we talk for a second. She basically tells me not to talk about it not to tell anyone. Which doesn't bother me because she's right in that it would make things complicated especially as far as our friends, who like to instigate anything they can.
Well I talked to her last night, 2 nights later, just to get it out, so it wouldn't be a problem. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, I know this, whatever. I'm one of those people that will over-analyze just about anything. I start thinking about all the "beautiful" guys (to use her words) she hooks up with and is proud to brag about it.
Well I got kind of down on myself connecting all that, which I shouldn't have. This shouldn't be a problem for me, I've had meaningless hook-ups before I know how this is supposed to go. Only, it's not going that way. All of my emotions have been brought back, seemingly tenfold.
I'd always had to fight off the thought that I thought I might love her (and not just as a friend) but I've been in love before, I know that's not what I feel for her, more of just a puppy-love I guess, for lack of a better term. Not to mention the fact that she's my best friend of course I love her as that, I guess more of a blend of the two.
I'm just so confused and if I had a random problem I could talk to her about it. Well this I can't talk to her about, she's told me she never wants to think about it again, which hurts, bad. I'm big on psychology, its what I want to do with my life, why I'm trying to save money to go to school. And everything I've learned so far in that aspect has taught me that to get over something it needs to be aired out, at least between us.
Can't happen, I tried to put it something like that to her, wrong move. She basically gave me the choice, be as close as we've been and "it never happened" or be someone she'd hook up with from time to time. As a guy, difficult choice, but I made the right one, I'd still rather her be my friend than just a sex-buddy.
I just kind of wish the choice would have been friendship or a relationship, that I might have chose differently on (not that it would have been a good choice but I've had a thing for her for years, I don't think I could have helped that one).
Anyway my question is really this... I find myself caring more and more about her as I think about this whole situation. How do I just get past it and not let it bother me? I need some advice here, I'm really struggling with how to get over this. I'm just so incredibly scared that it's going to be different. She's my best friend and I love her with all my heart as my friend. I can't loose that. How do I protect it?