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    My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me Over Moving In Together.

    Asked Mar 15, 2012, 07:12 PM 25 Answers
    I have a question and would seriously like some honest answers. 15 years ago, when I was younger, I'm 41 now, I met Pam. We would constantly run in to each other in the clubs, me always being very attracted to her. Well one night she goes back to my house, and one thing lead to another. She at that time was single, and so was I. We talked a ton on the phone at that time but she never went back out with me.

    Time pasted I got married, and so did she. My coworker last year went and bought a wood stove from her, out of coincidence. My name came up, he gave me her number, I texted her. I had been divorced for 4 yrs and she had just moved out and was going through a divorce. We decided to meet, and have been dating for about a year now. The relationship is very steamy. I have a 6 year old daughter who lives with me a couple of days a week. She has a 15 and 10 boys. She has broke up with me at least 20+ times over the year we have been dating. She is on her second divorce. I was so in love with her I kept coming back.

    I have a large home and wanted her to live with me someday. I am one bedroom short, so I built one in my basement for her son, but as the time comes closer for her to move in, she is getting very nervous.

    Her concerns are as follows.1. What if I change and am mean to her... 2. What if I change my mind and don't want to be with her, she would be left with no place to live. 3. The house that I live in was the same as the one I had with my ex wife, its not hers so forth and so on.

    Tonight on the phone after she went to her counselor (my suggestion, its her third visit) she went for a 6 mile walk to clear her head. She stated a ton of things that I had said that she thinks are inappropriate for a boyfriend to say to her girlfriend. All of which were not a concern last night or this morning mind you. I feel as though I have invested a lot of feelings, and kind of foolish completing the room, as I have no need for it if she doesn't move in. But more to the point, how can I invest more of myself if she might do this at anytime?

    Last edited by talaniman; Mar 15, 2012 at 10:20 PM.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,482, Reputation: 7606
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    #2

    Mar 15, 2012, 07:22 PM


    You don't bring a new wife or girl friend to live in the home of your ex wife.

    Obviously the term marriage must not have been mentioned just shacking up. Less over all rights.

    When Toni and I were going to get together, sold my home and bought a new one

    So what type of security will she have ?
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    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,703, Reputation: 2581
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    #3

    Mar 15, 2012, 07:36 PM


    I think you need to leave this alone. She is in the middle of a divorce, has two sons she needs to be concentrating on and she needs to get herself together.
    Breaking up that many times in a year is a sign that something is not right.
    Step away. She does not need to be living with you.
    Sounds to me like she is looking for excuses to leave any way
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,622, Reputation: 10723
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    #4

    Mar 15, 2012, 10:25 PM
    Dude, if you have gotten dumped 20 times and went back every time, That's the problem. Invest no more, look for no more than a steamy date, and don't be divorce #3!

    Its your obsession to have this female in your house permanently that ruins everything. That's a bad investment.
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    stevo3498's Avatar
    stevo3498 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 16, 2012, 05:25 AM
    This sounds so easy to walk away in theory... but when I get attached it is extremely hard I'm pretty committed to say the least.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,622, Reputation: 10723
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    #6

    Mar 16, 2012, 06:37 AM
    Its hard for us all, but why keep repeating a self defeating cycle?
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    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,703, Reputation: 2581
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    #7

    Mar 16, 2012, 07:44 AM


    The fact that you have so committed yourself to someone who has dumped you 20 times in a year is sad. Are you trying to relive that moment 15 years ago? This is not a woman you want to invest in. The relationship has never been stable. What makes you think things will change?
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    stevo3498's Avatar
    stevo3498 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Mar 16, 2012, 09:02 AM
    I spend hours pacing around trying to figure it out... maybe I am trying to always fix things... because of my divorce to my previous wife. She tells me she loves me, that I shouldn't pace or worry. But why does this person do this to me, I bring her flowers once a week spend all my free time with her... she made me close my facebk... as she felt it left opp. For getting in touch with exs... I love her but why do the push pull gig
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    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,703, Reputation: 2581
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    #9

    Mar 16, 2012, 09:06 AM
    Sounds like the lady has issues and as long as you stay with her you will be riding her roller coaster. Leave the woman alone. She does not know what she wants.
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    stevo3498's Avatar
    stevo3498 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Mar 16, 2012, 11:03 AM
    Im just at a point in my life where I want to settle dwn with one woman for life... it seems to start over again... and my greatest fear is that I will stay with this one and later she will just leave me?
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    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,703, Reputation: 2581
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    #11

    Mar 16, 2012, 07:42 PM
    Well you have control over that. You know her pattern, you are insecure with her. Make up your mind to leave the situation. She is not the only woman in the world.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,622, Reputation: 10723
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    #12

    Mar 17, 2012, 05:29 AM
    You picked the wrong girl to settle down with my friend, just because that's not what she wants. Its YOU who should be dumping HER, and exploring better options.

    Being nice and giving ain't working her at all is it? She has been divorced TWICE, she is supposed to be gun shy about a third time. You can do better if you were not so stuck. You could be enjoying yourself if you were not so stuck.
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    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,423, Reputation: 1930
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    #13

    Mar 17, 2012, 05:47 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by stevo3498 View Post
    Im just at a point in my life where I want to settle dwn with one woman for life...it seems to start over again...and my greatest fear is that I will stay with this one and later she will just leave me?
    And that may be her fear as well... move forward faster than she is ready for, and end up having it not work out yet again.

    Why not just continue to date and enjoy your time together? Give her the time to get grounded more after her divorce. If you pressure her, which is how she might be feeling even when it's not intended, it only causes to cloud things more.

    If you are wanting to settle down now, she is simply not ready. Either continue to just date, and see what happens in the months to come, or end the relationship so that you can have the opportunity to meet someone who is ready right now.

    The question is, do you love her and want to be with her enough to give it more time, knowing that it still might not work out how you would want it to, or do you need to cut your losses now and move on?

    Have you talked to her about how you feel on all of this?
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,622, Reputation: 10723
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    #14

    Mar 17, 2012, 06:30 AM
    For sure I wouldn't chase someone that dumped me 20 times to hard, and wouldn't let her make the rules for my behavior, and actions either. She seems to have whupped you into good shape for her own purposes.

    Just saying.
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    stevo3498's Avatar
    stevo3498 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Mar 17, 2012, 10:13 AM
    Whupped is a great word... last night in intimacy I was a little aggressive verbally which normally is not a prob. She said something about it and I mentioned that she might be a little old fashioned... she blew off the handle... ridiculous
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    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,703, Reputation: 2581
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    #16

    Mar 17, 2012, 10:17 AM
    It's not ridiculous if she has a problem with it, not old fashion either. May be she felt your frustration. Frustrated sex is not appealing.
    You two are not a match and her dumping you 20 times is a great indicator
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    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,423, Reputation: 1930
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    #17

    Mar 17, 2012, 01:41 PM
    You both have changed from 15 years ago... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

    You may be trying to rekindle what was once there, and it just isn't now. It doesn't sound like it was there to begin with, at least for her, since she never went back out with you. Something to consider.
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    stevo3498's Avatar
    stevo3498 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Mar 17, 2012, 11:37 PM
    In the morning we seemed to get over it, I was at work and told her we go anywhere she wanted do anything... but let's just have fun and be together... we texted through the day and both told each other "I love you"... later when I was getting ready to pick her up, I called and asked her what she wanted to do. She had no idea... and we tossed the I don't know what do you want to do... well we agreed that I would pick her up at 7 unless she mentioned otherwise. She also stated that her car was making funny sounds... and that she might go for a drink first with one of her girlfriends because she was going on a date... but she would let me know before then if that was the case. I didn't hear from her so I headed over... few min early so I could see her car too. As I drive up her friends car is there... so I just kept going... got some gas. Called her on the phone. She stated that her friends date had canceled and that maybe we could all meet up somewhere. I said sure let me know and I will be there. Well 40 min later I get a call,mind you I haven't spent anytime with friends in this relationship... I went over to a friends house. She texted and asked where I was. I sent a text back of where I was, to just tell me when and where to meet them and I would be there and that I love you pam... I got back a "k"... and haven't heard from her since... its 237 am
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,622, Reputation: 10723
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    #19

    Mar 17, 2012, 11:50 PM
    What would you call a guy who runs head first into a brick wall over, and over again? Does he even notice he hasn't made a dent in the wall? Does he even feel that great big old knot upside his head? Does he know his eyes are crossed??

    That stupid hissing sound is your dignity, and self respect leaving you for safe places.
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    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,703, Reputation: 2581
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    #20

    Mar 18, 2012, 06:56 AM
    Dude you need to wake up and smell the coffee. The woman is not in to you!
    Leave her alone and go on with your life. She has shown you in many ways that you are only an option to her and one that is not very high up on the totem pole.
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