My daughter is married to a trust fund baby (David) who thinks we are beneath his class status. He is brain-washing her to follow his lead. Example: on February 28th, they are meeting at their beach house to celebrate David's father's and our grandson's birthdays. We are not invited - even though it is our grandson. David makes every effort to keep us away from his (wealthy upper-class) father, like our middle class status is something he is ashamed of. Like we would be trying to ease our way somehow into his lifestyle. My God... It is our daughter and our grandchild! This hurts us beyond belief. The grandfather lives in Southern CA and we are just a few miles away from the beach house. Yet we are not invited. It is interesting that, since David's mother died, his father has been very friendly, sends us Christmas cards every Christmas, and has expressed a desire to see us on occasion. I'm confused. David is adopted... Does this play a part in his attitude? I have been told by my pastor that adopted children have abandonment issues that affect their way of looking at life and their personalities (in some cases).

The person you need to talk to and understand is your daughter. She is obviously going along with the husband's plans.

I'm sure some adopted children have abandonment issues. I'm sure some natural children are inconsiderate and/or mean. I wouldn't say either is the majority.

I don't find separate birthday parties to be strange - my husband has a large family, so does my son-in-law. They often have a party for "our" side and another for "his" side, particularly during the cold months.

I see it this way - you are hurt. Your daughter either knows or doesn't know. Talk to her and ask her if there's a problem.

Apparently the father-in-law wants to see you on occasion - that occasion is not this particular birthday party.

What have you planned for your grandson's birthday?

Thanks, I guess. You haven't addressed the "class" issue here. I am college educated (Gonzaga University), my husband almost completed college, but then chose to go into the electrician's trade which makes him "blue collar." My son-in-law, in his efforts to continue to keep his identity with his upper-class status, demeans us to our daughter at every chance - even though we bend over backward to stay on his good side. She won't admit it, but I think it is very hard on her. She loves her husband, and we are happy that he is good to her and good to our grandchildren. I can accept that we won't be invited to the birthday celebration. We might arrange to meet them at an "upper class" restaurant on their return trip home to at least have birthday cake and give our grandson his gift.

Wealth issue, more than class ( to me class is the way you live) their actions to me is a lack of real "class"

Do you talk with daughter on regular basis, does she bring grandchild around at other times.

But yes most likely her husband is embarrassed of you, and don't want people to know he married below his status.
It is happening because daughter will not stand up to him.

I talk to my daughter as often as I can, though with three children under the age of 8 and a part-time job, I often catch her when she is too busy. I can deal with that. I think the only way I can reach her is through a letter (I'm a pretty good writer and know how to keep hostile/angry emotions out of things) where she has the opportunity to think through her response to me. She is very reactive. I walk on eggshells around her and sometimes even that doesn't work.
Even though my husband is "blue collar", he is a real gentleman, and my son-in-law's father (who made his money and class status on his own with no help from "old money", trust funds, etc.) is very cordial and unpretentious with both of us. We like him. He has reconnected with lots of people since his wife died almost two years ago.
I am so glad you are a priest (Catholic?) as I am also Catholic (moderate in my views). I graduated from Gonzaga University; son-in-law and his father are both Santa Clara graduates.
This is so painful for me that I have sought out professional help. I don't want to jeopardize my children's marriages.

Children's marriages? Plural?

I don't think this is a matter of class. Maybe that's easier to blame than saying your son-in-law wants little contact with you and your daughter doesn't disagree with him.

I agree your daughter is the one oyou should talk to. Why is she letting him treat you like this? Why is she treating you like this? Were the two of you close?
I find it hard to believe she's too busy to talk on the phone with her mother for even 5 mintes a week. It takes a lot more effort to sit and read a letter and then go to the post office and send. When she couls sit on the phone fore 2 minutes? What she's doing is not right, you're her mother. You need to tell her this.
And the husband is just a jerk. You should be able to go to your grandsons party. I don't see what his deal is if the fathe likes you anyway. Maybe its not that maybe he's worried you'll take his wife away? Maybe it's a jelousy issue?
Could you tell us more about your daughter, I just find it strange you only talk in letters

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Originally Posted by karissa.elise

I agree your daughter is the one oyou should talk to. why is she letting him treat you like this? why is she treating you like this? were the two of you close?
i find it hard to belive shes too busy to talk on the phone with her mother for even 5 mintes a week. it takes alot more effort to sit and read a letter and then go to the post office and send. when she couls sit on the phone fore 2 minutes? what shes doing is not right, your her mother. you need to tell her this.
and the husband is just a jerk. you should be able to go to your grandsons party. i dont see what his deal is if the fathe likes you anyway. maybe its not that maybe hes worried youll take his wife away? maybe its a jelousy issue?
could you tell us more about your daughter, i just find it strange you only talk in letters

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Absolutely - when someone contacts ME by letter instead of phone or face to face I "assume" there's a reason that person doesn't want to look me in the eyes will talking.

I still find nothing weird about celebrating the father's birthday and that of the grandchild with a "his family" party and having a separate celebration for "her" side. My husband has a big family. His daughter married into a big family. Sometimes we all get together. Sometimes it's separate parties.

It isn't that one side doesn't like the other. It's the size of the families and often the parties are combined, such as this one.

But I absolutely agree - why write, mail, read when "you" can call.

Judy- exactly, exspecially your mother? I mean there is no reason she can't pick up a phone I know peope who have 5 kids... and they still talk to people and have a life.. theres some other reason she only will write letters..

My daughter is a cherished only child. I divorced early because he didn't want to be a father after all... too young. I did remarry they didn't work, but she was loved and cherished buy all grandparents. We were so close she has been my whole world. Great relationship all throughout her college years. She married into a prominent family (. Very good people). My son in law is the besrt dad, husband , son in law and person. After her marriage and she is around affluent people she treats me like I am a lessor person. I'm not white trash, had lucrative careee

Have you talked to her about the fact that you feels she thinks lesser of you now that she married into wealth?

And I think it's absolutely possible she can't talk on the phone much. I have one child that I stay at home with, and the idea of me being able to talk on the phone to anyone for more than a minute is laughable. However every once in awhile I make the time to call my mom, even though we aren't on super terms. Does she ever call you or are you the one calling her?