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I have absolutely had it! I hate my son! I do! He is argumentative continually. I have never heard a human being argue to the extent he does. He is rude to not only me, his step father, other adults, a teacher at school and friends. He says all we do is yell at him and I have made a concentrated effort to not raise my voice. At this point should I have counseling? Should he/we? I am at my wits end. Any advice is appreciated.
Yes to family and to individual counseling. As in yesterday. You did not say how old he is, is he a teen? Have you thought of offering him the option of going to live with his Father?
Has this behavior been happening over a period, or has this been rather sudden? Can you identify any reasons for his behavior? Do you think he is involved in drugs and/or alcohol? Has his temper caused any destruction in the home, school, or other places? Has his temper caused him to be suspended from school? What activities is he involved in, in school? Sports? Music? Drama? etc.. What has changed for him?
Who does he trust? If there is someone he does trust, maybe you can get person to intervene with you and your husband. To act as a mediator.
Talk to the school and the counselor(s) there and get their input. But please get into family counseling as soon as possible. If he refuses to go, then you and your husband go. You need to learn how best to approach him while keeping your sanity. You need to learn how to take care of yourselves and keep emotionally healthy, as well as physically healthy. Stress is a huge depletor of energies. Good luck to you and your family.
Parenthood is definitely the hardest job any of us could have. I think you probably summed it up with the term "teenager". My ex-father-in-law once told me that parents have their children until they turn 12 or 13 then... if they're lucky... they get them back when they're in their twenties.
I have had a similar experience with my pre-teen and teenage step sons. I don't claim to be a "Parent of the year" or intend to tell you how to raise your child but maybe you can benefit from my experience with my "EX-Step Kids".
I believe that a primary factor in their behavior was due to the influence of their biological father. I won't go into the specific details but he contributed to a very dysfunctional environment that had a profound effect on the kid's early years. He was very abusive and treated their mother in a way that was duplicated by the children as they grew older.
My heart goes out to you. I'll be glad to continue this story later. Please know that you are not alone. More and more parents are having to deal with this type of problem every day. Our complicated world... the influences that our kid's friends exert... The fact that they reach a stage in their lives that make their relationships with their peers more important than with their families... the list goes on. Please write back with age, and any other particulars... Yes... counseling may help but he/she/YOU have to continue with it past the resentment stage.
Take first. Negotiate later.
What you have to do is limit items and/or fun time if your child is bad. When your child does something good and polite, give positive reinforcement. And remember, you're the boss!
Well my opinion as a 15 year old girl is that we teens go through all this changes and we cannot deal with them on our own... and yes you should go to counsiling and make sure that you instead of yelling or hitting... talk to him about life an the mistakes you have made?? how much you gave up for him? Let him know that you're his friend that understands him and will never leave him alone... and remember that friends always stay in our hearts no matter the distance... but enemies are grudges we keep for ever... I mean when you grow old you'll be the young kid... and you are going to need him...Quote:
Originally Posted by cordy
Good luck and I hope you understand that the word hate is such a harsh word...
Quote:
Originally Posted by cordy
I totally understand what you are going through. As I went through it and still going through it . I now do understand why some parents kick their teens out. Counselling you ask well do you think your son will make any effort in attending to go to counselling. Do you think its possible that he is using drugs? I don't think you hate your son you just hate what he is doing to you. And I'm sure you don't understand why he is so disrespectful to you and others. Teens now days don't have any respect for anyone. Which is sad. Parent wonder where did I go wrong? Also teens think they can do what they want, when they want, and how they want. It's their life and so they think they can do whatever they want and say whatever they feel like. But remember you're the boss not your child and it isn't your fault. It's obvious your son as some issues and needs help. And he needs to understand you are the parent and he is the child and that you deserve respect.
I wish you luck with your child and hope things getting better. Let me know how things go.
Take care and be safe:)
Both of the major suggestions have a lot of merit,
First as noted, if he is not listening and talking back, have you restricted his use of computer, have you taken away his cell phone or iPod.
Is he restricted going out on the weekend.
To the extreme nature this behavior can be signs of drug use, to a minor scale, it is often how teens often rebell.
But counseling is also a good idea, but taking a pro actice coure is also called for
It sounds to me as if maybe both of you need a "time out". It also sounds like there may be drugs involved. In my state there is a hospital that admits teens like this into a "psych unit". They offer counseling to both parents and teen.
In doing this you not only get time away from each other, but you may also find out what is going on.
It sounds to me that before things escalate anymore you need to check into something like this.
It is imperative that you can both spend time away from each other and that he ,and maybe you, desperately need to have some one to talk to. Having time out , to me, means that while you both are separated, the child need to be able to receive some help and not just spend a few days at some ones house. You can not "give up".
This also sounds like you are at the end of your rope, so to speak, and things will get much worse. Please act now and find some "help" for both of you.
I do hope this helps and you both find some common ground in which you both can communicate your expectations of each other.
As a 14 (almost 15) year old male, I can say that I would be more pissed than ever if my mom EVER tried to drag me into counseling, and that sometimes, teenagers can just absoulutely HATE someone for no reason, just everything about them pisses you off. I wonder how it would go if, when he started getting upset and saying stuff to you, you merely looked at him, shook your head, and walked off (dissapointedly), preferably closing a door behind you, basically going with the opposite of what you usually do, therefore shocking him. :-)
I would love to counsilling with my mom, I dislike everything about her, and I wouldn't mind talking about it, it would make me and my mom happy. I wouldn't be surprised if you were my mom, except my mom can't even turn a comp on...
The soft way is not working then try the hard way.
Once in a while you need to be very hard to him, I mean ruder than he is, if u know what I mean.
I have 2 teens myself and believe me it is not easy they say things now adays that if I would have said to my parents I would have some missing teeth. I partly blame society T.V excQuote:
Originally Posted by cordy
They are desensitized the world today is wicked.
Mine tell me they hate me can't stand me exc, but I have never said that I hate them.
I know you don't hate your son you are venting, All I can say is what I have resorted to is like ultimate said ignore and walk away, I have tried almost every thing grounding, taking away stuff counceling, it all may help for a min but not the long haul, I have felt like slitting my wrist at times, I think that Teenagers are Gods way of preparing us for the empty nest! But I will say that for every bad I see in my kids I then see the good come out. And that is what keeps me going, also pray a lot!
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who wasQuote:
Originally Posted by cordy
new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was
fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him
to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted
and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my
young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were
complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and
Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our
storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end
with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or
science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict the
future! He took my family to the first major league ball game.
He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never
stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up qui etly while the rest of us were
shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she
would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if
she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but
the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity,
for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us,
our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however,
got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made
my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex.
His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and
generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were
influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he
opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked..
And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in
with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as
fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into
my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over
in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and
watch him draw his pictures. His name?.
We just call him, "TV."
I'm a 17 year old girl... and I have some very close guy friends and I don't know all your facts, but I can tell you that almost all teens just want more freedom, but they want to know that their parents care about them and love them unconditionally. They want to make their own decisions but also want you to be there when they make them. They want you to be involved, but not take over. They want to know they are loved no matter what, but sometimes they just need a little freedom.Quote:
Originally Posted by cordy
On the other hand, you may be giving him too much freedom... in which case he will feel like he can do anything without consequence.
You're best bet is to talk to him, JUST talk. Let him know you love him very much and want y'alls relationship to be better, and you were thinking about seeing someone that could help to get to the bottom of things. Keep telling him you love him and want the best for him and your relationship with him.
Hello. I am 13 and understand what your going through. Even though your child is in a rebelious stage right now doesn't mean that he is "BAD" kid. How long has this been going on? Maybe this is just a faze your son is going through. Try to relate to him. How were you when you were in your teenage years ?I wouldn't go to consuling; I think your son would be even more madder if you tried to take him there. Walk a mile in his shoe. Does he have a father? Are you a single mother ? Try and figure out what is making him so mad. - Alexandra
Wow, I just found this site and I feel better knowing its not only me dealing with teenage problems, I feel bad because its plain wrong
You know it just acured to me tell him basically he can do what he wants but you will not under any curcumstances in any way bail him out of trouble when he has to keep himself out of trouble and take care of himself more he will likely apritiate you more my dad did it and I rarely acted out and I never got in trouble
I'm not an expert and I do not have a perfect child, but I have hit on some things that are working with my young (13) teenage boy.
1. We only negotiate things that warrant the energy. I do not negotiate on daily responsibilities or firm decisions. I will negotiate on things that make sense to discuss like whether he can stay up late to watch the end of a football game when his favorite team is playing.
2. We have a plan and it's iron clad. He has a list of things he is expected to do without my nagging, reminding or enforcing. If he does so, he gets a $1 gold coin at bed time. If he doesn't, he looses a privilege. Since he's still in the kid world more than the teen world, I bought him a wooden box at a craft store and had him paint it to keep his gold coins in. It's shaped like a treasure chest, and of course, he wants to fill it with gold coins so he's very motivated.
The key is that teens like immediate gratification, and he gets that gratification for doing the right thing.
3. We talk every day when he gets home from school. I work so he has to call me. He tells me what he needs to do in terms of homework, and his status on home responsibilities. If he has special requests he brings them up at that time usually. I find boys are sometimes uncomfortable talking face to face, so using the phone, or talking in the car, are good strategies. This is always a very pleasant conversation and we both enjoy the ritual of it.
4. On weekends, I get 2 hours of his time to help in the house. I use this not only to get help but to teach him to do things. I tend to do chores near him while he's doing his because again, this is an environment where boys and men are more conversational. He has often told me "work isn't bad when we do it together". I have explained to him that I want him to be able to be fully self-reliant when he's an adult so he can hold his own, so he's learning to use power tools, cleaning supplies, the iron, to wash clothes, clean a really dirty cooking pot, fix a lock, install a toilet - whatever I work on in the house, he learns to do, too.
5. If I need major stuff done by the family, I try to be courteous of him and give him advance notice so that I'm not putting him in a position where he has to cancell on friends. If it makes sense to do so, I will pay him and also hire one of his buddies for jobs like trimming the bushes or raking the leaves. I don't pay a lot - like $5 usually, or I bribe them with a trip to Burger King for lunch. His friends parents do the same now, and we're all getting a lot done!
6. If my son is disrespectful he does not get what he wants and I expect him to apologize. I am not a resource for anything until I get that apology and the tone improves. Of course, I've been inappropriate at times, and I do apologize as well.
7. I expect a certain level of grades and if they are not happening, I take away activities that he has been doing instead of school work like video games and television until I see the effort where it needs to be and the grades are back up.
8. I have a policy in my house that teens are still kids, and other than physical privacy (using the bathroom, getting dressed, showering), privacy is not something that is a given. My son understands I will go in his room, look in his backpack and drawers, go through his wallet and so on. It's my responsibility as a parent to supervise him and with teens, you have to be nosy. He understands that when I find nothing over and over, I loose interest in looking.
9. I use things my son really wants to get what I really want from him. Right now he wants a cell phone but he still needs a lot of reminders to do homework. I have explained that a cell phone is another distraction and a huge responsibility and he cannot hae more responsibility until he consistently does what is on his plate now without my intervention.
10. Chores have to be done by my deadlines and if he doesn't do them, I do. He then has to pay me for my time. I get $1 for making a bed, $5 for cleaning his room, and any day that this policy has to be implemented, he doesn't earn a dollar, either. In the beginning I had to make a bold statement because he was not going along with this deal. He would not pick up his stuff. So, I did it. Everything went into a big hefty bag and he had to buy it all back by paying for my time, and falling in line with the program. He got a little back at a time and it took over a month before he got everything back. He jokes about it now, and calls me the "commandant" when he tells the story to his friends - but hey, he knows I mean business.
Anyway, it seems to be working and my son has ADHD. Instead of me being the bad guy all the time, his list of responsibilities is the subject of his periodic irritation. If he starts complaining or fighting, I look at him and say, "do you really think I'm going to change the house rules today, or can you please just go finish the job so we can both move on with our lives?" He has stopped asking.
You can't just be a tyrant. I mean, sometimes my son gets to stay up late to see the end of a movie, and once in a while I will say, "I will make your bed today, honey." The thing is I do it because I want to, not because he has left the mess expecting me to clean it up. I might tell him that he has a weekend off, like if he's had a lot of homework that week and I feel he needs a break from chores.
Occasionally, because I normally get full compliance, I will decide to overlook something and give him his gold dollar anyway. But then I will let him know, "I know you did not brush your teeth today and if that happens again, I will not make an exception". I have also, on occasion, given an extra dollar - as a surprise. He got one last week for earning an A+ on a difficult project.
I only pay on weeknights just because weekends are less structured in our family.
At least you are reacting. When I was 14, my mom just started ignoring me. After a while, she must have thought my room was my haven. I was never in there. I went out the window and she never checked. I was angry, yelled a lot. But I needed my mom!
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