Check out some similar questions!

Crista · Feb 21, 2009, 08:59 PM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

Crista, I came across this question by pure coincidence, as we all just kind of met up on the dog forum.

I'm older than you, and our circumstances are a bit different, but it was never a driving force in my life to have children either. I just didn't think anything was wrong with that, until I lost three babies, and then learned I had endrometriosis, and chances were slim to none, that I would ever have more. Well they were right.

The comments that I have had from people, have ranged from indifferent, to curious, to ignorant, and to just plain mean spirited! Even family members judge me for not having children of my "own." I try and give advice to some, and they pass it off by saying..."you don't have any kids, so butt out because you don't know what the heck you're talking about!" By the way, I do have 3 step kids, and basically raised my neice and nephew, while my sister was out doing her thing.

I've had total strangers say really crude things to me, just because I didn't have children. They have honestly looked upon me like I had some sort of social defect! It's like I don't measure up to their standards of society, and I must be a very cold hearted person.

They have asked me the most personal questions and tried to delve into my personal life, like I must have had some type of disorder! I honestly had to stop myself many times from going off on some of these people. It's like, if you don't have biological children, or really didn't have the desire, then you are just not worthy.

I love my stepkids, neices, nephews, and my God children. I did what I had to do, when I needed to do it, because of the love I had for them. I was, and sometime still am, very sad that I lost the babies that I could have had, but I think there must had been a reason for that. I don't think I had that mothering instinct. Although, I have to digress. I have it, but I had more of the teacher instinct in me, that helped me with my "kids."

So, don't let society tell you what you need to do. If that instinct isn't there, it just isn't. You were likely put here to do something bigger, and maybe you were the one that was meant to care for dogs and other animals. We don't always have to conform to the norm. :)

It's so frustrating when someone is asking personally questions and you have to answer because that is the polite thing to do, well, I say screw them. That is so sad about the babies that you lost. It makes me mad that people would still pry in your business about not having kids. Thank you for sharing your story, Starbuck8.

starbuck8 · Feb 22, 2009, 03:34 AM

Originally Posted by Crista

It's so frustrating when someone is asking personally questions and you have to answer because that is the polite thing to do, well, I say screw them. That is so sad about the babies that you lost. It makes me mad that people would still pry in your business about not having kids. Thank you for sharing your story, Starbuck8.

Thanks Crista. Yes, people can be very mean and judgemental. They ask questions that I would NEVER even think of asking another person. I used to own part of a company, where it involved driving clients. This man started asking if I was married, had kids, etc. It was the first time I had ever met this man. I gave short answers, and tried to go onto a different topic, but he kept on dwelling on the reason why I didn't have any bio kids. It ended with me pulling over to the side of the road, and leaving him there. Some people don't have the brains that God gave a knat! ;)

asking · Feb 22, 2009, 08:50 AM

I'm thinking about this. I don't feel like I have this particular problem. Or at least it doesn't bug me as much, probably because I have kids and don't get my buttons pushed so hard. But I think it's part of a more general problem.

People sometimes ask me personal questions--and I hate it when I go to a professional party and people ask me about my kids instead of work. I think it's because they don't know how else to start a conversation (with a woman) and in their heads these are the questions you ask women.

Are you married (he's probably hitting on you)?
Do you have kids?
How old are they?
Do they they play sports?

It's like a mantra with some people. You should hear the conversations I've had after I said my kids (gasp) do not play sports. I learned to just change the subject -- ANYthing to keep the conversation going but NOT on my personal life. And preferably not theirs either. When guys talk about their kids about half of them sound like they are reading from a script, just saying whatever they think they are supposed to say. Obviously, not all men are like this, but I think the kind who ask about kids tend to be.

So when I get asked about my kids and don't want to talk about them--which is most of the time unless it is with people close to me--I change the subject to something else. I've seen puzzled expressions sometimes, like what kind of woman doesn't want to talk about her kids? But I feel like my family is personal, not for party chatter, plus I don't like to give these people the satisfaction of thinking that they can "always" engage a woman by asking about her kids. If they can't make conversation in any other way, maybe I don't want to talk to them.

Starbuck, I still can't quite understand your story. Did you try changing the subject; did you tell him you didn't want to talk about whether you had kids? Or how did this scene play out? I'm not saying you handled it wrong, I'm just trying to imagine it. At what point did you tell him to get out of the car? (It belongs in a movie, by the way.)

0rphan · Feb 22, 2009, 12:38 PM

Hi crista... I think if you and your husband have made a joint decision that kids aren't for you, then that's fine and everyone else can go fly a kite, it's none of their concern.

However a problem arises if one person in the marriage wants chidren and the other doesn't!!

starbuck8 · Feb 22, 2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by asking

I'm thinking about this. I don't feel like I have this particular problem. Or at least it doesn't bug me as much, probably because I have kids and don't get my buttons pushed so hard. But I think it's part of a more general problem.

People sometimes ask me personal questions--and I hate it when I go to a professional party and people ask me about my kids instead of work. I think it's because they don't know how else to start a conversation (with a woman) and in their heads these are the questions you ask women.

Are you married (he's probably hitting on you)?
Do you have kids?
How old are they?
Do they they play sports?

It's like a mantra with some people. You should hear the conversations I've had after I said my kids (gasp) do not play sports. I learned to just change the subject -- ANYthing to keep the conversation going but NOT on my personal life. And preferably not theirs either. When guys talk about their kids about half of them sound like they are reading from a script, just saying whatever they think they are supposed to say. Obviously, not all men are like this, but I think the kind who ask about kids tend to be.

So when I get asked about my kids and don't want to talk about them--which is most of the time unless it is with people close to me--I change the subject to something else. I've seen puzzled expressions sometimes, like what kind of woman doesn't want to talk about her kids? But I feel like my family is personal, not for party chatter, plus I don't like to give these people the satisfaction of thinking that they can "always" engage a woman by asking about her kids. If they can't make conversation in any other way, maybe I don't want to talk to them.

Starbuck, I still can't quite understand your story. Did you try changing the subject; did you tell him you didn't want to talk about whether you had kids? Or how did this scene play out? I'm not saying you handled it wrong, I'm just trying to imagine it. At what point did you tell him to get out of the car? (It belongs in a movie, by the way.)

I guess I didn't make it exactly clear did I? The company I owned part of was a designated driving company. I would drive them home in their vehicles, and I had a chase car. So this guy was drunk. He started with asking me if I was married, just as you said... trying to pick me up. Then he asked how many kids I had, to which I replied "none!" I tried to change the subject and started asking how his party was... blah blah, and every attempt I made at turning the subject to something else, he brought it right back to the question of why I didn't have kids. I told him that was a personal matter, and it was basically none of his business.

Well then he started getting nasty with me. He started by telling me I must be lying. Was I ashamed of my kids and that's why I wouldn't say that I had any? Again I told him this was none of his business. Then he started his rant about... what kind of woman doesn't want children? Are you frigid? Oh I get it! You're one of those women that haven't had sex for so long your eggs have dried up! Bang... pulled right over to the curb, kept his keys, called a cab for him, and told him he was on his own! I also gave the keys to the cabbie, and called the police to put a boot on his truck, so he had no way of driving it until he had sobered up. Drunk or not, I was not going to listen to his crap. Oh, I also forgot to mention that he had his hands on me half the time too. :rolleyes:

asking · Feb 22, 2009, 04:04 PM

Ah. It all becomes clear. It was about him wanting to get laid and your lack of children was somehow connected to sex (in his extremely inebriated and abusive mind). It sounds like he was trying to hurt you because you were not responding to him sexually. He probably saw that as a sensitive place.

Maybe he assumed that you being in his vehicle gave him some "rights."
I'm so glad you got out of there. What a creep.

Thanks for explaining. It is interesting.

starbuck8 · Feb 22, 2009, 04:14 PM

Originally Posted by asking

Ah. It all becomes clear. It was about him wanting to get laid and your lack of children was somehow connected to sex (in his extremely inebriated and abusive mind). It sounds like he was trying to hurt you because you were not responding to him sexually. He probably saw that as a sensitive place.

Maybe he assumed that you being in his vehicle gave him some "rights."
I'm so glad you got out of there. What a creep.

Thanks for explaining. It is interesting.

Yes, he was a real prize all right! Somehow in his twisted mind he thought if he made me feel bad, or maybe make me cry, that I would pull over and jump him right there and then! :rolleyes:

dontknownuthin · Feb 23, 2009, 01:21 PM

Having children is an intensely personal choice, and one that changes over the course of a lifetime. I've had friends who always wanted kids, ended up childless and now really don't want them - they've found a more adult-centered life and are perfectly happy with neices and nephews and pets. I've also had friends who were mortified to get pregnant though they and their spouses planned not to have kids... they have become the most gushing, devoted, loving parents I know and have no regrets at all for having their children.

You are at an age where people want to share their wisdom... they want to share what they did right so you can have the same rewards, and they want to spare you their mistakes. So whether it's what you asked Santa for or not, these uninvited bits of advice are gifts. Take them as such. Consider them. Don't be embarrassed by it, just turn it back on them, "Oh, Aunt Jan, I know what a great mother you have been."

You do not owe anyone any explanations. And you may not even want to take a hard line because honestly, your choices might very well change over the years. You may end up with someone who has a child already, or get unexpectedly pregnant with twins... who knows?

Just respond, "Oh, thanks Grandma - I know you're always looking out for me, but you know, I really am very happy and you don't have to worry so much about me!"

mroblee · Feb 23, 2009, 06:05 PM

Originally Posted by asking

I'm thinking about this. I don't feel like I have this particular problem. Or at least it doesn't bug me as much, probably because I have kids and don't get my buttons pushed so hard. But I think it's part of a more general problem.

People sometimes ask me personal questions--and I hate it when I go to a professional party and people ask me about my kids instead of work. I think it's because they don't know how else to start a conversation (with a woman) and in their heads these are the questions you ask women.

Are you married (he's probably hitting on you)?
Do you have kids?
How old are they?
Do they they play sports?

It's like a mantra with some people. You should hear the conversations I've had after I said my kids (gasp) do not play sports. I learned to just change the subject -- ANYthing to keep the conversation going but NOT on my personal life. And preferably not theirs either. When guys talk about their kids about half of them sound like they are reading from a script, just saying whatever they think they are supposed to say. Obviously, not all men are like this, but I think the kind who ask about kids tend to be.

So when I get asked about my kids and don't want to talk about them--which is most of the time unless it is with people close to me--I change the subject to something else. I've seen puzzled expressions sometimes, like what kind of woman doesn't want to talk about her kids? But I feel like my family is personal, not for party chatter, plus I don't like to give these people the satisfaction of thinking that they can "always" engage a woman by asking about her kids. If they can't make conversation in any other way, maybe I don't want to talk to them.

Starbuck, I still can't quite understand your story. Did you try changing the subject; did you tell him you didn't want to talk about whether you had kids? Or how did this scene play out? I'm not saying you handled it wrong, I'm just trying to imagine it. At what point did you tell him to get out of the car? (It belongs in a movie, by the way.)

You don't have to be a woman to have people ask you about your kids. Some ladies I work with think that I should file a report every day on what my dauhter is doing. I usually am polite and say something like "nothing new", or "same stuff as always". I really want to say it is none of your business and if I want you to know I will tell you.

Crista · Feb 23, 2009, 10:55 PM

Yes, that's true I shouldn't take it so personal sometimes but people get a bit too curious. I hate that I can predict what someone I first meet is going to ask. Like are you married, do you have kids and how old are you?

I get ask how old are you question all the time! I'm starting to get really sick of it, I roll my eyes to the person and say your not suppose ask a lady her age. I thought that would shut them up but they're persist little peeps. They just stare at you, waiting for you to answer. I tried a lot of tactics in these personal questions but peeps don't seem to get it when someone is trying to steer away from answering.
If you get questioned the same questions over and over, anyone loses their patience and instead pulls their hair out in frustration.

asking · Feb 23, 2009, 11:35 PM

Originally Posted by Crista

I hate that I can predict what someone I first meet is going to ask. Like are you married, do you have kids and how old are you?

That's really interesting. You should try to figure out what they are doing that you are picking up on. What is it about them that tells you they are going to ask?

starbuck8 · Feb 24, 2009, 12:56 AM

Originally Posted by Crista

Yes, that's true I shouldn't take it so personal sometimes but people get a bit too curious. I hate that I can predict what someone I first meet is going to ask. Like are you married, do you have kids and how old are you?

I get ask how old are you question all the time! I'm starting to get really sick of it, I roll my eyes to the person and say your not suppose ask a lady her age. I thought that would shut them up but they're persist little peeps. They just stare at you, waiting for you to answer. I tried alot of tactics in these personal questions but peeps don't seem to get it when someone is trying to steer away from answering.
If you get questioned the same questions over and over, anyone loses their patience and instead pulls their hair out in frustration.

Oh I've used lots for the age question too. I actually don't mind telling people my age, because I think I've deserved to be my age, but when it comes from a virtual stranger, it annoys me that they think this is their business. Here are a few combacks that I've used. Although it depends on the situation you are in a lot of times. Most of these I have used in a bar setting, where people are just trying to pick you up. These might not be wise to use in an office setting, a company C'mas party, or when meeting your bf's parents for the first time Haha!

--How old are you?---Old enough to know that is a rude question!

--How old are you?---When was your last bowel movement? (I actually did say that to a
A guy that was bugging me in a bar. He looked at me with a stunned look and walked
Away. Mission accomplished! Haha!

--How old are you? People have been asking me that a lot since the plastic surgery! Do
You want to see my scars?

--How old are you? Well that's a really long story! See they made a mistake on my birth
Certificate, and we're just not sure!

--How old are you? You first! How old are you? I'm guessing (insert much older or
Younger age)

I think the trick is to just throw them off, or answer their question with a question! It doesn't always have to be rude or sarcastic, (I'm a little sarcastic in case no one here knows that yet, haha) but anyone worth telling personal info too, should be intelligent enough to figure out that it's rude, if you have a good comeback for them. ;)

JudyKayTee · Feb 24, 2009, 05:54 AM

I've posted this before - first, I have no living children and I stopped explaining that a very long time ago. When it comes to anything I don't want to answer I'm great at a cold dead stare and "Why would you ask someone that?"

Shuts them up every time.

asking · Feb 24, 2009, 07:44 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

When it comes to anything I don't want to answer I'm great at a cold dead stare and "Why would you ask someone that?"

Shuts them up every time.

I'm going to go practice this in front of the mirror!

JudyKayTee · Feb 24, 2009, 11:01 AM

Originally Posted by asking

I'm going to go practice this in front of the mirror!

Best done with a level cold stare, no flinching, in an even voice.

gobe · Feb 24, 2009, 11:59 AM

Hello,
You have to be sure what YOU want, are you feeling pressure because the society or because you don’t know what you want?
My situation was the opposite from yours. I was 31, everyone told me not to have a kid even when after 7 year marriage I decide to get pregnant everybody was against... I new I have to have a kid and I'm a very happy mom, and that's was the best decision in my life. He is my life, I feel that my life was meaningless before him. (and I had and have a great marriage) How ever there are some times when I feel I want my own space, it is just too much, I just want one hour for myself or one day relax... can you imagine what would you feel if you would chosen having a kid and this child would take away 24 hour from your time? First ; decision, you have to know yourself and why you feel this pressure because of the society or because your not to sure what you want. If you make up your mind stick to it. Don't let anybody tell you what you want you ask yourself and there would be the right answer. :)

Crista · Feb 25, 2009, 12:32 AM

Thank you for that gobe, I appreciate your help. After awhile I began to doubt my own decision because there was so many young woman like myself that were getting pregnant. I went to this little party with 6 woman and everyone but me had children or was pregnant. I really felt like the odd ball there.

So it's nice to get some fresh opinions on the subject. Thanks again

Crista · Feb 25, 2009, 12:49 AM

Thanks too starbuck8 for giving us those suggestions to rely a question to a question concept.
I tried many things like, "wouldn't you like to know."
Or telling them a ridiculous age that's not believable and say, " I look good for my age, eh?"
I tried asking them there age instead too.

Anything, I try I always end up telling my age because they ask it again like a second or even third time! It just gets under my skin. It bugs me because I look young so people automatically think it's not a rude question to ask me or something. Like a 21 year old wouldn't be as offensive of the question than if a 39 year old is asked.

I just want to add; people will like you a lot better when you don't ask those personal questions, instead wait till they tell you without asking. If you're a good listener, you'll get the question answered without asking. I've tried it and it works! I would never ask the questions I've been ask just because I know it's rude.

starbuck8 · Feb 25, 2009, 12:59 AM

Well Crista, you could also say... 'I thought someone YOUR age would've known better, since you are so obviously much older that me' Haha!

139033 · Feb 25, 2009, 03:21 AM

Not necessary that every women has to give birth to child, specially when she has no wish to go for this.But outlook as 21 and 29 is different. Not necessary that EVERY female lost her beauty after giving birth to baby.
Not necessary that every child will look after their parent at old age. I believe that we bring a child in this world for other but not for taking care for you. CHILD is a big responsibility, one who can not take the responsibility has no right to bring then in the world.