I like this guy at work and I want to hang out with him outside of work (maybe even as a date), but I really don't want to wait around for him to ask me because he may never do it. Here's the thing though. I don't know if he is single or taken. How do I go about asking it without it looking like I'm trying to figure out if I can have him? And if he doesn't have a girlfriend, how do I ask him out? I am not used to the whole girl asking guy out thing, I usually wait for the guy to ask me, but I feel like I lose so many opportunities by waiting and want to just come right out and ask a guy out. I'm really shy so this isn't easy for me and I have no idea what to do.

You didn't say what sort of work environment you are in, but could you invite him to lunch, or to coffee? Maybe offer to get a bunch of people in the office coffee and see if he will help carry. Invite a group to lunch and include him, if possible. Or, if you notice him in the breakroom, take a break at the same time and strike up a conversation. It might take a few conversations to ask if he's seeing anyone, but you will get there. Or, once you start talking to him you might realize he's not so great! :)

Isn't there anyone at work you could ask about this guy? He must go to lunch or coffee with someone from time to time. Ask them if he's 'involved' with anyone. They might even pass the word on that you were asking about him. I remember one time that I thought I'd like to know a guy from work better (a loooong time ago!) and I asked if I could borrow his jacket because I found the air conditioning too cold one day. When I gave it back, I said, "Oh, no! I hope your wife won't think you are fooling around if she smells my perfume on your jacket!" I found out he was married without him even knowing I was interested so saved face! (If the place is perfume free you could substitute "finds any of my hair" for "smells my perfume".)

Otherwise, I'd say just take a chance and tell him you'd love to go for coffee sometime if he isn't seeing anyone, of course. He'll be flattered at the very least.

Good luck!

Didi

Arrange for a meeting together. Can be in a group and then talk to him when he's not in a conversation with anyone, or talk to him alone. Either way just take things slow at first, this guy that your interested in may turn out to be a real jerk.

I am a server at a restaurant and he is a host... the coffee ideas are great, but they don't really work for my job. We don't leave the restaurant until our shift is over.

STARGAZER. It looks like you and me are in the same boat. It's a guy for you and it's a girl for me.

Well, then, this is a little easier! Why don't you ask him if his wife minds the hours he puts in? If he says he isn't married then you can say, "Oh, sorry! How about your girlfriend? What kind of work does she do?" That will open the door. You can follow it up (or even start it) by saying something like "Glad I'm not married (or in a steady relationship). I don't know if a husband would be tolerant of these hours."

If you are uncomfortable with that, why not walk out around the same time as him and say, "I think I'll go unwind for a bit at xxxxxx. Want to come along?" If he comes, you can ask if he's involved with someone in the conversation.

Good luck!

Oh, and maybe you should find out where niss66 works. Maybe it's the same place! :)

Didi

Hi Grammadidi. Well, she said restaurant, but my profession is different. I go to the cafeteria at work and the girl works here... :) She is yet not my girlfriend, but would love to...

Hope this helps! I have already asked her out... she said "I don't know" maybe due to our companies policies. So, she was trying to be careful. But, I am going to ask her out again this week or next week and I just wanted to give her sometime. I have entered more details about my problem in another location in this forums. You could check it out. Here is the Subject?

Should I ask her out again?

Your ideas are great if we were an older crowd. I do not think he is married. He is 20 and I am 18. I'm thinking about trying to get a bunch of people to go bowling because I love to bowl and I haven't in awhile so maybe that will work. I HOPE HE LIKES TO BOWL! ;)

Should I ask her out again?

YES, you should!

Don't give up so easily on what you really want.

This is Carrot, right? He's the one who's 20. :p
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/cant-choose-99775.html
I initially suggested to go for Gospel, but it seems like you're too much into Carrot.

If you feel like he would never ask you out, you're probably right. In your place, I wouldn't do anything (unfortunately!) but this would be the WORST thing to do! So, do something...

What about casually talking to him one day and then ask him to go for a walk or something? I mean, a walk is not a big deal and after all, it's just a walk. But it would give you the chance to see him outside of work and talk to him on a different level.
If you can't ask him directly if he wants to go for a walk, then you have to come up with something else. For instance, you talk about what he did last week-end and bla, bla, bla and then he asks what did you do. Then, just say you went to a really cool place and make him interested as to find out more about that place, but don't tell him what that place is just yet. You sound funny, so you shouldn't have problems getting the message across, if you see what I mean. So, keep on being funny and playful and... smile. All of a sudden, he'll seem interested and then all of a sudden you have to go back to work, so just leave him wondering.. or ask him if he would want to go with you someday, maybe next Saturday at 5 PM cause you're free then. And tell him, "I'm sure you'd like it!" :p

Now, figure out what that "cool place" could be. Sorry, I have no idea right now... Don't make it a big deal though.

Let me know if this helps. Otherwise, we can figure out something else! More interesting... :p And if ever it turns out that he's taken, you can always be friends. After all, you still have Gospel... :) (just kidding!)

I'm sitting in my room right now, on the 2nd story of this house, and I look out the sliding door that leads to the balcony outside. On the balcony is a very small bird, and it's hopping around, trying to find food. Finding none, it dives off the balcony's handrail, freefalling towards the cement driveway below. A few feet before it appears the poor bird will be crushed by the fall, it spreads its wings and flaps, gliding safely to the driveway, continuing its quest.

Now, I got to tell you--if I'd been asked to dive off the balcony, even if there were a huge mattress below, I'd have been deathly afraid. But this bird was more than willing to take a nose-dive off a ledge that was easily 50 times its height, because it's something that it does regularly. I imagine a new-born bird wouldn't have been so daring, but this one, having mastered something that nature gave it, does it without any thought.

Think: something that is perfectly natural to a bird scares the living daylights out of me. Isn't that interesting?

No?

Well then how 'bout this: if you don't hit on Carrot today, some other girl will tomorrow. Why? Because for every shy person out there, there are like 10 others who have no problem doing what you're not willing to do because they practice it regularly.

So get over your shyness now and just ask him out. Guys have absolutely no problem with it.

Oh, and if you're not willing to ask him straight out, then at least insinuate that you're interested. Talk to him more often. Make physical contact (touch his shoulder, playfully slap his hand, etc.). Wear scandalously revealing outfits (bonus: gets you more tips from male and lesbian customers).

Girlfriend or no, if he's interested, he'll ask you out. And if he won't, just ask him. This is the 21st century for chrissakes, women should have ruled the earth long ago.

Girlfriend or no, if he's interested, he'll ask you out.

Not sure about this! Although I used to believe it was true... Not anymore.

If they're shy, the more they're interested, the more it's hard to ask.

Even worse, when they are 100% interested and 100% shy, they won't ask at all. :rolleyes:

Agree or disagree...

If they're shy, the more they're interested, the more it's hard to ask.

Even worse, when they are 100% interested and 100% shy, they won't ask at all. :rolleyes:

Agree... which is why I do suggest she ask him out at some point. You're right--shy guys take aim, but never pull the trigger, and if they do they fire spitballs instead of bullets.

Now, since stargazer10 flies into a seething rage when every post in her thread isn't advice for her (:)), I'll say this: as a (recovering) shy guy, I would love it if girls took the initiative. Which is why I suggest that you (stargazer) ask him out, or just be very obvious with your hints. Be extra-friendly with him. Laugh at all his jokes, no matter how terrible. And wiggle when you walk.

Ha ha!! I did not go into a seething rage. LOL! Sorry if it seemed that way. And I guess you are right, I need to take the plunge.

Did not get what you said about send some my way the SUBJECT. Well, if you could be more specific I could let you know.

Do you want me to ask you out? I could? :)

So, what happened with Stargazer and (1st choice) Carrot? :p

Nothing yet?

Something?

...

Did not get what you said about send some my way the SUBJECT. Well, if you could be more specific I could let you know.

Do you want me to ask you out? I could? :)

That comment was actually for me. :)

Well nothing yet. I haven't really seen him for awhile (meaning I haven't worked with him for about a week or so). I did see him for about a half hour two days ago, but we just talked (more than usual). So nothing has happened yet. But I'm hoping I get the courage to find out if he has a girlfriend soon. Ha ha! I'm too afraid to ask. But I guess I need to just get it over with.

When you talk to him, what do you talk about? You said that you talked to him two days ago, more than usual. Don't tell me that you only talked about the weather!! Talk about movies that you have seen or that you want to see. If there is one that both of you want to see, just say, "Hey, we should go this Wednesday night" (or whatever night you are off on the same day). Your bowling idea sounds like a good one as well.

Here are some other good ideas:

A trip to an amusement park (i.e. Six Flags)
Miniature golf
Go-Karting
Baseball game
Firework display (4th of July is coming up)

All of the above could be done as a group or eventually just the two of you if things go well.

My final thought? Just come out and ask him if he is seeing anyone!! If a guy takes the time to talk with you, then he is at least a little bit interested. Is there any way that you can ask some of the people you work with to see if they happen to know if he has someone? Does he ever have any friends that come in to the restaurant that don't work there? Are any of them girls? Simply put, you will never know anything unless you ask questions.

Mom, that is great advice.

Let's see what do we talk about. We talk about school and Virginia (and how much I hated it there and how much I love Florida better). He tells me about living in New Hampshire and how he likes Florida better too. Umm. He told me and another girl (we were all talking together) about how he likes to fix up cars. And I just realized that the only time we really talked was when that other girl was there. GREAT! He probably is interested in her, not me. :(

I need to have a conversation with just him. And I will definitely find out if he is taken or single. Next time we work together, I will do it. Wish me luck!

AND to Kristynn. I worked with Gospel today (the one you said I should go after, I believe)... And we talked about all kinds of stuff. Marriage came up (ha ha! He told me about how his friend just proposed and how he can't see himself getting married yet). He's 21. So I guess I can't really interpret that as a commitment problem (phew!). We talked about a couple past relationships. We talked about work (ugh!). I can't remember anything else off the top of my head, but it was a very good conversation.

AND to Kristynn. I worked with Gospel today (the one you said I should go after, I believe)... And we talked about all kinds of stuff. Marriage came up (ha ha! he told me about how his friend just proposed and how he can't see himself getting married yet). He's 21. So I guess I can't really interpret that as a commitment problem (phew!). We talked about a couple past relationships. We talked about work (ugh!). I can't remember anything else off the top of my head, but it was a very good conversation.

:D See, told ya' you should go for Gospel. I'm just kidding, obviously. :p

Maybe you don't ask Carrot enough questions when you two are having a conversation. Don't be afraid to start a conversation with him anytime you see him by himself. Just start the conversation and the rest will follow. And if you want to know something, ASK! I believe there's nothing wrong with asking. Joke and make fun of him in a nice way.. just about anything. Or you can even say something like "your girlfriend won't be proud of you! :p " if he does something 'bad' or screws up something... You might find out what you're looking for! (It would work for me, I guess). Or if you have the guts to and you two you're having a conversation during a break or something.. casually just ask him "so, where's your girlfriend?" and smile. He can't avoid to answer and he can't say "it's none of your business" either. I know it's pretty straight-forward but he ignores your intentions for now (doesn't he?)... so, you have nothing at all to lose!

Good luck!
(I don't know why but I think he's single)

I think he is single too. Just because he has never mentioned a girl at all. Just his "friends" which lumps them all together and I really don't think he's the kind to play down a girlfriend.

But guess what. We get to add another one to the mix. I'll call him Mr. Good Bar. It seems like I have attracted all the guys at my work except the one I want!! Ha ha... that's how it always is, isn't it?

I went out last night to a bar... shhh! Don't tell on me. ;) I went out with a bunch of friends from work. I don't know if it was the alcohol, but this Mr. Good Bar was by my side for most of the night, whispering randomosities in my ear, telling me I looked beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I was flattered, but I'm not too sure about this one. He's 25... 7 years difference. My only thought is, "what are his intentions? to score a cute 18 yr old... probably." Although maybe not. I don't think I can judge this one yet. He asked me to hang out Monday, I told him I would consider it and let him know (I didn't want to make any decisions while under the influence). What do you think? I mean going out with him can't hurt. Right?

O and Mr. Good Bar has a girlfriend. Although he says that he is stuck with her because they share an apartment and that he isn't happy being with her anymore. I'm thinking I need to stay out of it. But I'm dying for friends here because I just moved to Florida and don't know ANYONE!

Oh God... is this the 4th one? :rolleyes:

I have to say that, you'd better decide which one you want and you're most interested in and go for it cause if you're more or less after four guys at the same time, I'm afraid you won't get any one of them.

Don't even think about adding Mr Good Bar to that "list" of yours.

I'm going to have to disagree with kristynn here. I think you can (lightly) go for all four of them, to see which one makes a move. Once one of them has and you decide you want him, then you commit and quit doing anything to lead the others on.

Right now you're not marrying any of them, you're not even being exclusive with anyone. Just see where it goes and then decide.

Though I will say this: I don't think you want to get mixed up with the one with the GF. You don't want a part of the breakup he and his GF are going to have.


My only thought is, "what are his intentions? to score a cute 18 yr old... probably."

You know, you're right. That is a concern. Perhaps you should post a picture so we can judge if in fact he is just trying to score a cute 18 year old. Preferably one where you're wearing that scandalously revealing outfit you've been wearing to attract Carrot.

Be yourself, first of all. Be friendly and say hello. Make eye contact and work from there. Sometimes the simplest of gestures get someone's attention. If he says hi back and tries to maintain eye contact, ask him a question. NOthing personal, just something general. Like, how long have you worked here? Or say something like, I am so glad its Friday. Make yourself available for conversation and try to get to know him. Right now isn't the time to ask if he is taken. The idea to go out with a bunch of people is perfect. Remember, the best lovers begin as good friends. Good Luck!!

Older guys can be cool. The can also be creepy and controlling. Be careful and trust your judgement on that. Older guys have more experience (usually) so its up to you, just remember you are young and that is attractive in itself!! Enjoy your time being out with guys as friends, its much easier without any strings attached.

It's all great advice. I worked with Mr Good Bar tonight and lets just say it was so awkward. Yet I still think he's thinking about going after me (just a little). Gospel and I are so friendly now, he gives me back massages during work (tonight was horrible on my back). But, I'm not attracted to him in that way at all. Sad, I know because he is probably the best bet in this situation. Divinci is definitely out of the picture. Him and his girlfriend are fighting a lot (and technically he never really was an option). Carrot... I haven't seen in years. So that attraction is wearing off, but I bet next time I see him, I'll just be head over heels again. I'm actually drawn to Mr Good Bar for some reason. Maybe it's the "can't have" attraction.

What's hilarious is that this situation is so freaking new to me. I mean, I rarely have guys going after me. But for some reason, they are all about me now. What the hell?

Here are my thoughts on each one:

Carrot - I think you should continue to pursue him. Don't assume that he likes the other girl, as you don't know for a fact. It may be a coincidence that she is always present when you and he talk. Another idea: Clip something out of the newspaper that would interest him and give it to him. I don't think that the other girl would think about doing this and this would give you the advantage because you are showing that you are hearing him, not just listening to him. Clip something out of the newspaper about something going on that interests you and him and then invite him to go with you.

Gospel - The fact that you know that he is interested in you means that the challenge is gone. Think deep down about why you are not interested in him. Really soul search. Make a pro and con list of the qualities and then decide. If the attraction is just not there, then it is not there and you cannot force it. However, don't continue to lead him on. Be straight forward with him about your feelings. If you just want to be friends, then tell him that. Think of the way that you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.

Divinci - He has a girlfriend. Stay away from him. If he breaks up with her, then maybe. However, I think that you are conflicted on this one and that he never really was one of the ones you were truly interested in anyway. You may be just interested in adding him to your collection for attention seeking purposes only, to say that there are numerous guys out there who want you.

Mr. Good Bar - Again, this one has a girlfriend. I don't care if things are not going well with her. He is still living with her. Why? If it is so bad, then why won't he leave? He is not married so don't let him tell you that it is a difficult situation. He wants his cake and eat it too. As long as he is still living with her, you will never be the number one. I think that he is a player, plain and simple. Be very careful with this one and go with your gut instinct. If it does not feel right, then it probably is not right. So many girls/women make the mistake of not listening to their guts and this gets them in trouble. Remember, if he can do it once, he will do it again. What happens if things do move forward, you move in together and things get kind of difficult. Don't kid yourself that things would be different. He most likely would do the same things to you. Finally, drunken advances are never a good thing. He knows that you do not have a lot of experience, that you are vulnerable and he is feeding on this.

Ulitimately, you are the one to make the decision. Good luck to you. Bottom line, you need to find out why you are in the situations that you are in and then you will be able to make better decisions.

Hope this helps!!

MOM... your advice was so clear and actually helped me lots. I have thought about things and have definitely decided that I want to pursue Carrot. He seems the most genuine out of the four. He's sweet, respectful, and is probably the only person at my work willing to help other people do their jobs. He actually asks ME if I need help. Usually I have to beg people to help me out. So basically, he is cute and has an awesome personality. That pretty much makes him amazing to me. The only problem is my self-confidence is down the tubes when I'm around a guy with all them qualities. Almost as if I don't deserve him.

The only problem is my self-confidence is down the tubes when I'm around a guy with all them qualities. Almost as if I don't deserve him.

Well, speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that this can be a very debilitating problem. I personally suffered from low-self esteem for many, many years (actually, I'm not completely over it, but it's getting better). It's hard to "be yourself" when you think "yourself" isn't good enough.

Low self-esteem can arise as a result of many factors, though one that I was personally affected by the most was paying too much attention to other people, particularly people who were critical, obnoxious and just straight up bad.

What I learned is that I tended to pay attention to a select few individuals instead of looking at the "bigger picture." I always thought that, because one or two people didn't like my ways and were constantly on me about how I'm not funny or I'm not personable or whatever, I shouldn't be myself in public--I always thought I should just keep my mouth shut and never say anything. Well, I started realizing that a few people don't make up a majority and I started paying attention to the big picture.

Now that I am more objective about things, I am a much more mellow person. And I'm comfortable making racy jokes about how you should be wearing scandalously revealing outfits. :)

What I'm trying to tell you is that you probably have no reason to have low self-esteem. You're very personable and you should be yourself, confident that people will like you for who you are.

You absolutely have what it takes to get yourself a tasty nutritious Carrot. Go for it!

Thank you huno :)

Well I found out today... Carrot has a girlfriend according to Divinci. What's sad though is that Divinci said to me that I could probably take him away from her and I was like "really? how long have they been dating"... and then I realized that the whole concept was a BAD IDEA and I told Divinci that I wasn't going to meddle with that. So no Carrot, no Divinci, and no Mr Good Bar. All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works. :(

Dear Stargazer,

Yes, it's funny how life works sometimes. Unfortunately. But if Gospel is not for you, don't worry. There are other better Carrots out there.

But still, you should find out by yourself directly from Carrot whether he has a girlfriend or not so that you can have this whole story clear once and for all.

Whatever he's going to say, you'd still have him as a friend, won't you?

Of course I would still have him as a friend. He's a very nice guy, funny, smart, and ambitious. I just wish he was single. But, since he's not. Maybe in the future he will be. But, by then I'll probably have moved on.

It's always good to have friends. If only for dating purposes, they can introduce you to other people and pretty soon you'll have a whole variety of Carrots, Cucumbers, Tomatoes, and other such varieties of vegetables to choose from.

I agree with Kristynn. You should ask Carrot. That way you will know for sure. If he DOES have a girlfriend, DON'T pursue him any further, as cheating or going after someone who has a significant other is NEVER the right thing to do. I would still talk to him as a friend even if he does have a girlfriend; there is nothing wrong with that.

I have a question, what is the rush to have a boyfriend? The fact that you said that "All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works" kind of makes me feel that you would rather be with someone than be alone. There are so many people in this world and you are existing in only a small fraction of it. If you don't like what you see, PLEASE keep in mind that you have a lot more living to live, a lot more places to see and a lot more people to meet. There is nothing wrong with being alone, being selective and not settling. Always try to identify what it is you want in a relationship and make sure that it is realistic. In other words, wanting someone who has the bank account the likes of Donald Trump and thinking that there will only be good times is being unrealistic. However, wanting someone who communicates with you, treats you the way that you want to be treated and knowing that there will be good times AND bad times, even in the best of relationships, is being realistic.

You may want to look up what codependency means because people who suffer from low self-esteem often fall into this category. I know that I did!! Your only true happiness will come from yourself and not from someone else. Finally, keep in mind that even the most secure people suffer from low self-esteem at times. After all, that is what makes us human; it is called feelings.

Keep your head high and keep your focus on the things that are important to you. Stop worrying about what people think about you because then you are not being yourself. Be true to yourself and most likely people will be true to you.

Again, sorry for the long post. I just saw a lot of the same things that I was feeling when I was your age. I just wish that I knew then what I know now!!

I agree with Kristynn. You should ask Carrot. That way you will know for sure. If he DOES have a girlfriend, DON'T pursue him any further, as cheating or going after someone who has a significant other is NEVER the right thing to do. I would still talk to him as a friend even if he does have a girlfriend; there is nothing wrong with that.

I have a question, what is the rush to have a boyfriend? The fact that you said that "All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works" kind of makes me feel that you would rather be with someone than be alone. There are so many people in this world and you are existing in only a small fraction of it. If you don't like what you see, PLEASE keep in mind that you have a lot more living to live, a lot more places to see and a lot more people to meet. There is nothing wrong with being alone, being selective and not settling. Always try to identify what it is you want in a relationship and make sure that it is realistic. In other words, wanting someone who has the bank account the likes of Donald Trump and thinking that there will only be good times is being unrealistic. However, wanting someone who communicates with you, treats you the way that you want to be treated and knowing that there will be good times AND bad times, even in the best of relationships, is being realistic.

You may want to look up what codependency means because people who suffer from low self-esteem often fall into this category. I know that I did!!! Your only true happiness will come from yourself and not from someone else. Finally, keep in mind that even the most secure people suffer from low self-esteem at times. After all, that is what makes us human; it is called feelings.

Keep your head high and keep your focus on the things that are important to you. Stop worrying about what people think about you because then you are not being yourself. Be true to yourself and most likely people will be true to you.

Again, sorry for the long post. I just saw a lot of the same things that I was feeling when I was your age. I just wish that I knew then what I know now!!!
Mom,

I am definitely NOT settling. I was more reacting to the fact that I had had so many choices of guys, but the one guy I wanted to have a relationship with was already taken. I am NOT going to go out with Gospel for this reason. I am NOT thinking about dating Gospel at all. I am definitely okay with being single. I am NOT okay with being alone however. So I will continue to talk to these guys as friends and I will definitely spend time with them. And maybe down the road I will be attracted to Gospel in that way, but right now, No. The original intent of this thread was how to break away from my shyness and ask Carrot out. But along the way a few things happened which kind of confused me. I am a girl who likes to please. Saying no to Mr Good Bar when he asked me out was hard because I know it kind of took a chunk out of his confidence. I don't like being rejected and, in turn, I don't like rejecting people. That was the main issue here. I didn't know if maybe I should give Gospel and Mr Good Bar a shot. But your advice helped in that I finally accepted what I already knew which is that I have to stick to my morals. I shouldn't go after someone who has a girlfriend and I shouldn't let them come after me. I also shouldn't lead someone on.

A relationship is something that I am ready to experience and that I WANT to experience. However, it doesn't define me. I do not NEED a boyfriend. Maybe a few friendships would be better. No pressure and most likely no hurt.

~Star Gazer

Hey Star Gazer,
Nice to hear all that.
By the way, I was only kidding about Gospel. I know how it's like when you're not attracted to a guy who's interested in you. And you sound just like me, "a girl who likes to please". It definitely is always hard to reject people. I haven't found, myself, a way to do this nicely... if there is a nice way...
I also know how it's like when you find out the guy you're interested in is not "available".
But, I guess you agree that it's not the end of the world.

Yet, I still think YOU should find out from Carrot concerning his girlfriend. Sometimes, for some reasons, some people say things... but those things might not always be true. So, are you still shy to ask Carrot yourself?

Well yes I am too shy to ask Carrot myself... it's the way I am... I hate that part about me. I know I should ask him, but it's just so hard to come right out and say it. <SIGH> I hate being shy. :(

Being shy sucks. Ranks right up there with having lupus.

Well, so you've mentioned you're shy, and you have low self-esteem around him. What goes through your mind when you see Carrot? Do you forget what you want to say? Do you envision yourself saying something and him snapping angrily at you, humiliating you in front of your co-workers? Do you think that he's a better person than you and so you believe you'd be bothering him or wasting his time with your company?

Also, think about this: you're very personable online and people here like you--I am positive you're the same way in person and anyone who meets you will enjoy having you around. You're a good conversationalist and I'm sure Carrot would be happy to talk to you, no matter what the subject.

You could pick better nicknames for your boy toys, though... :p

Ha ha! "Boy toys"... well Carrot has red hair... Gospel and Divinci are plays on their names... and Mr Good Bar... I actually have no idea why I chose that... I was under the influence... lol!

How to make a guy cry?

Ha ha! "Boy toys".... well Carrot has red hair... Gospel and Divinci are plays on their names... and Mr Good Bar... I actually have no idea why I chose that... I was under the influence... lol!

Under the influence? Of what, gummi bears? Jolly ranchers?

You seem like entirely too sweet and innocent a girl to have been on the bottle or on the wacky tobacky...

Anyway, just keep that happy, cheery attitude when you talk to Carrot. Maybe he's not so into his girlfriend and wants a replacement... you never know...


How to make a guy cry?

Kick him in the balls. Next?

LOL! Well a lot has happened since the last post. Tonight I kissed Divinci. He broke up with his girlfriend two days ago. What I haven't really told you guys is that while I've been hung up on the whole Carrot thing... I have been attracted to Divinci, but I never really took it anywhere because of his girlfriend. I know it seems bad that we are already kissing two days after the break up, but (something for perspective) they had let the relationship linger for about two months before now. Meaning they knew the end was coming, but neither of them actually had the nerve to end it.

What sucks though is that where I work, everyone talks. So there isn't any way they are going to find out. Divinci and I both agree that they would say so much stuff that wasn't true and cause too much drama. So I'm confused. Do I want to see him privately/secretly or not. It is weird because I never really said anything before, but we both have great trust in each other. We talk about EVERYTHING. It's ridiculous. And what's weird is that we are complete opposites.

There are some things to think about.

First, there are reasons that some people choose not to date anyone they work with, and you already stated one of them; people talk. I think that you are wise to consider making your relationship as discrete as possible for this very reason.

Second, a lot of managers/owners at various work situations (not just restaurants, but especially in restaurants) have a policy that workers cannot date each other. This is because people sometimes have difficulty separating their personal lives from their work lives. Now, add the fact that the person you have a relationship with and personal issues with also works with you. I worked with a couple who I thought had a pretty good relationship, but whenever they had personal issues with each other, it created a silent tension among them, which had effect on business. Because of customer complaints of inadequate service, management eventually told the couple that either they had to become more mature and deal with their personal situations better and not let them effect their work, or one or both could no longer work for the establishment.

Third, this guy JUST broke up with his girlfriend, so take into consideration the idea of a possible rebound relationship for him. Even though the break up seemed to be in the works for a while, this guy may be in the needy phase, even if he was the one who did the breaking up. Just be careful.

Finally, isn't Divinci the one who you said your family may have a problem with? Think about ALL of the reasons that you are attracted to Divinci. Sometimes people are attracted to someone or something because of the challenge. Once the challenge has been conquered, then the intrigue is gone and the attraction is no longer there.

You have a lot to think about.

I like this guy at work and I want to hang out with him outside of work (maybe even as a date), but I really don't want to wait around for him to ask me because he may never do it. Here's the thing though. I don't know if he is single or taken. How do I go about asking it without it looking like I'm trying to figure out if I can have him? And if he doesn't have a gf, how do I ask him out? I am not used to the whole girl asking guy out thing, I usually wait for the guy to ask me, but I feel like I lose so many opportunities by waiting and want to just come right out and ask a guy out. I'm really shy so this isn't easy for me and I have no idea what to do.
You could do what a lot of women do... spread it around to the other office workers. It'll get to him eventually.

Oh girl! I was in this exact situation once. I was 99% sure he was flirting with me and God knows I was flirting with him. His office was way over on the other side of the building so we never spoke more than a few words at a time in passing each other. He got a promotion that was going to put him even further away and I was moving to another area myself. I knew I would never get to see him then! I've told guys at bars to dance with me but it's easy to find the confidence to tell someone to dance with you specially when you're tipsy , it's a whole other thing to ask a guy on a date when you're sober and at work. I thought to myself 'He's just shy, maybe afraid I'll hit him with a sexual harassment suit.” So one day I got my nerve up and hunted him down. I walked up to him and with confidence said, “You don't have a girl friend do you?” Why wait for a answer, of course he didn't ! At the same time I was holding out a piece of paper with my Email and phone number. I just froze in my place when he said,”I'm engaged.” And sure enough about a month later they were having a little party for him and his to be wife at work! Until then I had never in my life asked a guy out or offered my number. I would have never thought he was engaged 'cause I was sure he was flirting with me! Now I know how hard it is for a guy to ask a girl out and I know the feeling of that rejection when they say no. I think I would ask another guy out again if I really liked him but next time, I will make sure there is no girlfriend!
Girl just do it! If he says yes then just think of the self confidence you will gain. If he says no... well you'll get over it. I did and I don't really regret it.

Tonight I kissed Divinci.

Well, I take back the whole "sweet and innocent" comment... :D

I think Mom's post was great (can I call you Mom, Mom?). There are indeed a lot of points to discuss. Here is my POV (as if you asked for it... ):

1) In almost EVERY workplace, people are going to talk, especially if you're all in your teens/twenties. You're just going to have to get used to that, even if you try and keep it discreet; unless you are completely nonchalant about it (which is hard to do if you really care about each other), word will spread. Try and be very discreet about it.

2) If it's just a small place, I doubt your work has a "worker dating" policy, though that shouldn't stop you from wondering how you're going to handle the time when your relationship doesn't work out. If this job is a long-term thing, you may seriously want to avoid dating any guy there; but if it's just something to get you through school then don't worry so much--there are other jobs out there.

3) The biggest thing, though, is the nature of his ex and their breakup. If it really was the sort of thing where the relationship was cooling off, then there's probably not a lot to worry about, since he knew it was going to end; he was probably just waiting for a replacement (maybe his ex was waiting for another guy to roll around, too). But if there are still feelings between he and the ex, you are going to have one royal mess on your hands... you may have to deal with his ex trying to win him back (which may still happen--jealousy works wonders for igniting attraction), or he may really see you as just a "rebound girl" and may wind up with someone else. He's 25, so hopefully he's mature enough to keep his head on straight, though these days mature people are hard to come by.

You're going to want to tread carefully. Don't let yourself get too involved right away until you can see what DaVinci's really thinking. If it's a relationship you want, then wait to see if he's really into you before you commit yourself.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

Huno,

Divinci has told me that he waited to break up with his ex because she was planning on leaving to go to school. So he didn't want there to be a rough period before that happened. Unfortunately, the break up couldn't wait any longer. I have been working there a month and a half and ever since the first day I saw them two (when I wasn't even a thought in Divinci's mind and neither him in mine) they were fighting, fighting, fighting.

He has told me all about what had happened between them and why she couldn't trust him (the reason for the fights).

And honestly, I have no idea what I want now. Divinci has always been "untouchable" in my mind since he did have a girlfriend at the time and now all that has changed. And what sucks is that he is of a different race than me and my parents are ultra-conservative and I can't bring him home to them. But, not all relationships have to exist with the intention of introducing him to my parents, right? I mean we talked for about two hours last night about things and I told him I couldn't bring him home to my parents and he completely understood. I mean, technically I can, but I would probably not be thought of the same by my parents (which is sad to say).

I have been working there a month and a half and ever since the first day I saw them two (when I wasn't even a thought in Divinci's mind and neither him in mine) they were fighting, fighting, fighting.

Ah, yeah, definitely if the relationship was in that stage then it was as good as over, anyway. So there's probably no worry about that... but...


And what sucks is that he is of a different race than me and my parents are ultra-conservative and I can't bring him home to them. But, not all relationships have to exist with the intention of introducing him to my parents, right? I mean we talked for about two hours last night about things and I told him I couldn't bring him home to my parents and he completely understood. I mean, technically I can, but I would probably not be thought of the same by my parents (which is sad to say).

I'm a little curious--you don't have to answer if you don't want, but it really is genuine curiosity--after knowing him for such a short time, the two of you were comfortable talking about introducing him to your parents? I remember one former GF of mine freaked out when I even mentioned the idea of her meeting my parents after dating her for a month. Now I make it a point not to even mention it... how'd Divinci take it?

Anyway, well, you are right: not all relationships need to include the parents. So long as you're not in a situation that requires that he meet them, I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe if you've dated for many months you can introduce him and perhaps they'll be more accepting of him, if your parents are as conservative as you say they are, but as the relationship's just getting going there's no need for them to meet, or even for your parents to know about him.

Actually, that kind of begs the following: do you live with your parents? Are they overbearing? Are they the type to know about every detail of your life?

I do live with my parents...

And the situation had more to do with the fact that we are totally different people and I said to him "usually you are not my type, but im drawn to you for some reason. and as sad as it is to say this, you aren't somebody i can bring home to my parents."

And he said "i figured that." and was absolutely okay with the whole discussion. I am not racist and it doesn't bother me except for the fact that I know my parents wouldn't like it

Hey Star Gazer,

Unexpected, isn't it? Most of the time, we don't know what our "type" is (although we think we do know) and then we fall for some "type" we never thought we could fall for but we can't help it. Yet, it's amazing and sometimes it MIGHT BE even better than when you fall for the same "type" again and again.

Concerning your parents and that "race" problem, I sincerely believe you shouldn't bother. You don't have to think about bringing him home yet, just not yet. It's too soon... maybe you too aren't even serious. I don't know, I'm just saying.

I know how it's like to have ultra-conservative parents, but trust me you shouldn't worry about it for now. It's not like you're going to get married and they'll have no choice but accept your dear Divinci in the family. If ever that's going to happen, then you'd have a reason to worry... but this is not the case for now, so BE HAPPY and have fun! :)

Why let your parents decide who you should be in a relationship with?

I remember one former GF of mine freaked out when I even mentioned the idea of her meeting my parents after dating her for a month.

huno,

I think she freaked out because she thought you were too serious, too soon. Perhaps, she wasn't that serious...
Is it?

I would definitely freak out, too :p

huno,

I think she freaked out because she thought you were too serious, too soon. Perhaps, she wasn't that serious...
Is it?

I would definitely freak out, too :p

I mentioned it casually... I wasn't grabbing her arm and thrusting her into the car to drive up and meet them, I simply talked about one day going. She probably took it more seriously than I did. In retrospect, probably wasn't a good idea to mention it at all. :)

and the situation had more to do with the fact that we are totally different people and I said to him "usually you are not my type, but im drawn to you for some reason. and as sad as it is to say this, you aren't somebody i can bring home to my parents."

And he said "i figured that." and was absolutely okay with the whole discussion. I am not racist and it doesn't bother me except for the fact that I know my parents wouldn't like it

Oh, I see, I see... well then I guess he's not working on his handshake with Mr. stargazer, is he? :D

You said before that you don't know what you want now... and you also say he isn't normally your type. I have to ask: what about him isn't your type?


Most of the time, we don't know what our "type" is (although we think we do know) and then we fall for some "type" we never thought we could fall for but we can't help it.

Agreed...


Yet, it's amazing and even better than when you fall for the same "type" again and again.

... not agreed. :mad:

I know my type: quiet, mature, giggly but not to the point of being saccharine, of good morals and humble upbringing, and Spanish-speaking (I can't seduce in English). But what I can't stand is when I fall for some loud-mouthed, teenybopping girl who probably makes her dad worry she might come up in Girls Gone Wild. That to me just sucks. Logically, I know someone like me is best... but there's something about overly flirty girls that gets me every time. :(

I'd totally give you a "disagree" thingy but you give stellar advice and I don't want to ruin your rep. :p

Finding places to meet and talk is correct. Most men and women , if given enough time, will willingly let it out that they are involved or not. Perhaps he doesn't know about you either. In a subtle way let him know your situation and check his response. It's really not bad to ask if he's seeing someone. If he is he will be flattered you noticed him, if not an opening has been created. See if he crawls through. If not, go for it.

...not agreed. :mad:

I know my type: quiet, mature, giggly but not to the point of being saccharine, of good morals and humble upbringing, and Spanish-speaking (I can't seduce in English). But what I can't stand is when I fall for some loud-mouthed, teenybopping girl who probably makes her dad worry she might come up in Girls Gone Wild. That to me just sucks. Logically, I know someone like me is best... but there's something about overly flirty girls that gets me every time. :(

I'd totally give you a "disagree" thingy but you give stellar advice and I don't want to ruin your rep. :p

huno,

I totally agree with you on what you disagree. I edited my post and added "MIGHT BE" which was what I initially meant! *;) Couldn't rate your answer though...

Actually, what I mostly had in mind is... when some people (not me) guys or gals who think they're into the blond hair / blue eyes but then.. oops! They totally fall for the opposite "type" dark hair / brown eyes, if you see what I mean. But this is just looks and as much as we say it shouldn't matter that much, it still does.

By the way, I looooooooooooooove Spanish :p

I mentioned it casually... I wasn't grabbing her arm and thrusting her into the car to drive up and meet them, I simply talked about one day going. She probably took it more seriously than I did. In retrospect, probably wasn't a good idea to mention it at all. :)

Yup, I think that just mentioning that was enough to freak her out if she wasn't that serious about the whole thing.

On the other side, it could very well be a good sign. :)

huno,

I totally agree with you on what you disagree. I edited my post and added "MIGHT BE" which was what I initially meant! *;) Couldn't rate your answer though...

Oh, I get it. Make huno look stupid so you get all the credit for helping poor lil' stargazer.

Need I remind everyone that you were the one giving advice to other people on HER thread? And that she hates that and has sworn unholy revenge on your soul today and in the afterlife? :cool:



By the way, I looooooooooooooove Spanish :p

De veras? Good information to have, señorita. :)

Ha! Wow you guys have really taken this far. Just Kidding.

Anyway, I don't mind the conversation, it actually does pertain to my problem anyway.

I normally go for preppy guys from middle class families who listen to pop and rock and all that jazz... and they are usually white.

Divinci is a black guy, struggling financially a little bit, listens to rap (I hate rap)... is overly talkative (I like shy guys), dresses way different than most (that I didn't see until later though because I usually saw him in his work uniform)... BUT I ABSOLUTELY AM CRUSHING ON HIM!

Divinci is a black guy, struggling financially a little bit, listens to rap (i hate rap)... is overly talkative (i like shy guys), dresses way different than most (that i didn't see until later though because I usually saw him in his work uniform)... BUT I ABSOLUTELY AM CRUSHING ON HIM!

Either way, WHAT makes you "crush" on him THAT much?? (Question to ask yourself)

Hmm... so what is it you like about him? Is it those things you mentioned?

I've always wondered about the "opposites attract" theory... I personally don't believe too much in it. Sometimes I do fall in that trap, though...

I've always wondered about the "opposites attract" theory... I personally don't believe too much in it. Sometimes I do fall in that trap, though...

Trap? Why call it a "trap"?

I believe opposites attract sometimes, but I think they rarely stick together.

Trap? Why call it a "trap"?

I believe opposites attract sometimes, but I think they rarely stick together.

Well that's kind of what I mean. Because there's usually a time when I look at some girl and say, "Why the hell did THAT turn me on?" Some traits start to grate on my nerves, I realize that, logistically, it just isn't going anywhere because a lot of things just get to me.

Take flirty girls, for example. It's the flirtiness that gets me going... until I see her flirty with lots of other guys. Therein, kristynn, lies the trap. :)

Now I'm not saying stargazer's doomed to experience disillusionment with her newfound man pet, but if he really is the opposite of what she's normally attracted to, it's kind of a trap.

I like this guy at work and I want to hang out with him outside of work (maybe even as a date), but I really don't want to wait around for him to ask me because he may never do it. Here's the thing though. I don't know if he is single or taken. How do I go about asking it without it looking like I'm trying to figure out if I can have him? And if he doesn't have a gf, how do I ask him out? I am not used to the whole girl asking guy out thing, I usually wait for the guy to ask me, but I feel like I lose so many opportunities by waiting and want to just come right out and ask a guy out. I'm really shy so this isn't easy for me and I have no idea what to do.
You Should just try to become friends with him and ask him to tell you about his girlfriend so if he doesn't have one your free to ask him out don't be embarrassed.

Either way, WHAT makes you "crush" on him THAT much??? (Question to ask yourself)

Well... I thought about it and I do have reasons which are good reasons so I'm guessing that means that it's okay to be crushing on him.

well... i thought about it and i do have reasons which are good reasons so I'm guessing that means that it's okay to be crushing on him.

Such as? :)

Hmm... well I'd like to keep them to myself because by listing them I feel like I'm trying to defend myself and that doesn't need to be done...

But since you asked I will say that he is just an amazing guy: nice, makes me laugh, has a sense of humour, is not afraid to apologize when he goes a little overboard with the risqué jokes, and is very understanding of pretty much everything.

PRETTY MUCH his personality is EXACTLY what I was looking for. The OUTWARD appearance is the only thing that isn't my type... but then again the guys that fit the outward appearance of "my type" never fit the personality aspect... so...

And of course the personality is the most important

I like this guy at work and I want to hang out with him outside of work (maybe even as a date), but I really don't want to wait around for him to ask me because he may never do it. Here's the thing though. I don't know if he is single or taken. How do I go about asking it without it looking like I'm trying to figure out if I can have him? And if he doesn't have a gf, how do I ask him out? I am not used to the whole girl asking guy out thing, I usually wait for the guy to ask me, but I feel like I lose so many opportunities by waiting and want to just come right out and ask a guy out. I'm really shy so this isn't easy for me and I have no idea what to do.
Just ask him if he has a girl friend, what do you have to loose? Nothing

hmm... well i'd like to keep them to myself because by listing them i feel like i'm trying to defend myself and that doesn't need to be done...

but since you asked i will say that he is just an amazing guy: nice, makes me laugh, has a sense of humour, is not afraid to apologize when he goes a little overboard with the risque jokes, and is very understanding of pretty much everything.

PRETTY MUCH his personality is EXACTLY what I was looking for. The OUTWARD appearance is the only thing that isn't my type.... but then again the guys that fit the outward appearance of "my type" never fit the personality aspect.... so ....

Oh, well I totally didn't mean it like that. I know I said the "opposites attract" thing doesn't work, but I should qualify that by saying I believe it doesn't work. That doesn't make it fact (kind of like how mankind once thought the sun revolved around the Earth). :)

Anyway, it does make sense that a guy who makes you laugh is attractive. A lot of girls say that. That's why I try to crack a joke whenever I get a shot. Sometimes it flies, sometimes it crashes and burns. But I find it hits more than it misses.

Anyway, if he makes you happy and so long as he treats you right, there's nothing wrong with anything. Good luck!

Thanks huno!

How is it going, stargazer?

Hope everything's good. :)

Everything is going great, but it's really hard keeping the whole thing a secret. We told a select few about it (actually those few people figured it out). But, anyway, it is so difficult to see each other... it's ridiculous. We both are always at work (and usually not at the same time). And then there's the whole problem with my parents. I can't just tell them that I am going out with a 25 year old guy. They would freak out.

Everything is going great, but it's really hard keeping the whole thing a secret. We told a select few about it (actually those few people figured it out). But, anyway, it is so difficult to see each other... it's ridiculous. We both are always at work (and usually not at the same time). And then there's the whole problem with my parents. I can't just tell them that I am going out with a 25 year old guy. They would freak out.

Yup, I guess they WILL freak out, but they'll also realize that their little girl is getting older now and they should at least try to understand. I'm not saying it's going to be easy for them to understand and accept it, but they will have to.
You'll find a way to make them understand...
Take care!

Ah, I see... stargazer finds a new slice of man heaven to romp in and she forgets all about us?



To hell with her, I'm not helping.

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What? I said I'm not helping her.

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Don't look at me like that, I'm not the one being mean--she is!

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Oh, crap, I can't stay mad at her. It's like trying to stay mad at your dog... you just know he's going to pout and then your heart melts and all is forgiven. I can already hear stargazer pouting... :D


I can't just tell them that I am going out with a 25 year old guy. They would freak out.

This might be really against people's principles or whatever, but if this guy is really great and you like him so much, why even tell them? Can you just say you're going out with your friends or something?

If you don't feel comfortable outright lying to them, then don't.

Incidentally, does he ever go to see you at work when it's not his shift?

I am kind of confused as to the last post. What is with all of the drama, huno? I don't think that she was ignoring us.

I have to agree with you on one point. If this guy is really as great as you say he is, why hide him? I understand the work thing, as bosses can get very uptight if they think that any relationship issues will effect their business. I can also see your point with your parents. Even though you are an adult, there are still things that you have to do in order to avoid unnecessary drama. If you are trying to keep the peace, make sure that you are not shortchanging your own feelings (as long as they are your true feelings)

You made a statement earlier that this is the kind of guy that you normally would not select before. Why are you selecting it now? Are you going through a rebellious phase? Or do you REALLY like this guy? A lot to think about.

Ask him out for coffee on a Saturday or Sunday. It need not necessarily be during a weekday.

Mom,
I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY!. he's a sweetheart.

Huno,
He purposely picks up shifts when I work to spend more time with me. And I mean horrible shifts that nobody would want because you don't make much money during those shifts. Why do you ask?

Oh, just curious as to what kind of guy he is. :) Looks like everything is going well for you--glad to hear it!

And do pop in every so often. You can't spend all your time with this guy... :p

Oh, just curious as to what kind of guy he is. :) Looks like everything is going well for you--glad to hear it!

And do pop in every so often. You can't spend all your time with this guy... :p

Yes, what type of guy he is? A sweetheart should not be the ONLY reason u like him. And if he really worth of it, U ASK HIM OUT! :)

Nicespringgirl,

The original topic of this thread has kind of become irrelevant. This is a different guy and we are already seeing each other. It's a long story... sort of. Ha!


Huno,
I will remember to check in with you guys. My dilemma right now is whether I should sleep with him. He wants to, I know, but he never asks me to and never pushes the issue. I think awhile ago he mentioned it jokingly at work and I said I didn't want to and explained why which is because I am leaving at the end of the summer to go back to school and I am NOT the type to sleep with someone just because. I don't really want to for the reason that I know our "relationship" won't really last that long. But then I do... so bad. <SIGH>

He's going to stay there with or without sex... so he says and I believe it just by the way he acts.

People at work are starting to figure things out. I guess we've been caught giving quick pecks to each other by a couple people. The cooks have figured it out. One of them confronted me saying "we all know you're f***ing "Divinci"" (lol i almost put his real name in there)..... which im not sleeping with him, but i guess that pretty much says that they know. Tonight that same guy said "you need to train your wife"... to Divinci and meaning me by "wife".... Gospel heard Divinci say to him later when the same cook (who is a real jerk btw) asked what was going on between us that "nothing... and even if something was going on, it wasn't any of his business." So.......... other than that, most of the feedback has been positive. My friend (ill call her Mark Twain) said "I'm glad that he is going after someone like you who will treat him right... unlike his last girlfriend"... this is getting very specific so I'm going to end on that note.

My dilemma right now is whether or not I should sleep with him. He wants to, I know, but he never asks me to and never pushes the issue. I think awhile ago he mentioned it jokingly at work and i said i didn't want to and explained why which is because i am leaving at the end of the summer to go back to school and I am NOT the type to sleep with someone just because.

Then, don't.

I think awhile ago he mentioned it jokingly at work and i said i didn't want to and explained why which is because i am leaving at the end of the summer to go back to school and I am NOT the type to sleep with someone just because. I don't really want to for the reason that I know our "relationship" won't really last that long. But then I do.... so bad. <SIGH>

Ah, yes, I understand. In fact I'm sort of in the same situation. I'm moving in a week to start a new job and the girl I'm (sorta) with is avoiding me now because she says she doesn't want to miss me when I leave. I told her I wanted to try and make it work but she's saying the long distance thing won't work out. Which I know in my heart it won't... I hate long distance things...

But my girl (let's call her... um... uh... crap I can't think of anything... I'll choose the first thing I see--XBox360) says that she gets hurt easily and doesn't want to go through the pain of a breakup, so she's starting to call me less and she won't see me as often. I tell her, "XBox360, don't play me like that--I'm supposed to be playing you!" (Okay, I didn't say that last part... that was just for the bad pun :D).

Yeah... I guess girls really avoid getting hurt. My last GF told me the same thing, that she didn't want to get hurt. I don't understand the fear... we're all going to get hurt when a relationship ends but that doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing...

Well, do what you think is best. I personally think you shouldn't, if you're the type to stick by your beliefs you could end up regretting it. And then what the cooks say will be true. :D


My friend (ill call her Mark Twain) said "im glad that he is going after someone like you who will treat him right... unlike his last girlfriend".... this is getting very specific so im going to end on that note.

Mark Twain? Just where the hell do you get all these names? :p

Well, you knew people were going to talk. My advice is to tune it out. But I'm sure you already knew that.

I'll bet a few of those guys are jealous. :cool:

Ha ha. These names are getting a bit ridiculous... Divinci, Carrot, Gospel, Mr. Good Bar, and finally Mark Twain (for a girl... lol)... don't ask... they are all plays on names and characteristics they have... Maybe one day I will tell you...

Well I am going to see Divinci today... ill let you know what I decide on the sleeping with him dilemma... I probably won't

Hey guys,

So I haven't posted in awhile and you said you wanted feedback so I figured now (at two in the morning because I can't sleep) was a great time.

Currently, I am bashing my head against a freaking wall feeling like a freaking idiot. Why? Because I got myself into a stupid situation. I shouldv'e taken kristynn's advice and went with Gospel. But, no, I chose the difficult relationship (or whatever the heck it is) and went with Divinci. Big mistake on my part. The whole hiding it from my parents thing... horrible.

I keep saying that I "can't" tell my parents, but when I think about it (if I could tell them without them being angry or upset) I wouldn't even "want" to. That says a lot right there. So now I'm facing a dilemma because I find myself wishing I hadn't pushed Gospel aside. In fact, the whole time I'm pretty sure I only said no because it was too easy for me. I like to put myself in difficult situations I guess. Rebellion? I don't know.

So now I want Gospel, but I don't want to hurt Divinci's feelings. Although we aren't really in a relationship because it absolutely is not a relationship. And I'm not even sure Gospel will give me a second chance. Basically, I'm a girl who doesn't know what she wants. Well... maybe "girl who changes her mind a lot" is a better description.

Help. Please.

Whoa, hold up there, girl--what's wrong? Did the relationship go sour? It sounds like he or you did something stupid... is this just about the parents, or are you disappointed with Davinci?

Explanation, please.

What I would do is just ask him and if he says no take it as hey I found out if he likes me or not and that is all that matters. But if he says yes ask him if he likes coffee and take him out a your treat.

Yes, you do sound a little confused, but isn't that supposed to happen at some point in your life? In time, you will figure it out.

I always thought that if you have to "hide" anything from your parents (or anyone important in your life for that matter) it is not worth it. Yes, you don't have to introduce EVERYONE to your parents, but eventually the more serious relationships you will have to. Even though your original intention was not to get serious with this person and that eventually you would be ending it, you also ran the risk of developing more intense feelings for this person than you originally anticipated, which would definitely put yourself in quite a predicament. IF that would have happened (which I understand did not happen) you would most likely have felt that you had to CHOOSE your parents over your "boyfriend" (or the other way around). No one has the right to give you an ultamatim. I was in a similar situation myself and it is not a good position to be in. I was at a rebellious point in my life and chose unwisely because I felt pressured by my then boyfriend. I know that I am going way over the top here because I know that you do not have serious feelings for Divinci (or anyone else at this specific time), but I feel that I still have to say this. My situation you ask? When I was 19, I met someone at college, fell in love and then introduced him to my family. My family initially did not like him, saying that he was rude, controlling, etc. I quickly made excuses for him, saying that he only did those things because he cared for me. After a while, because my family only wanted me to be happy, they bit their tongue and did not intervene in my choice. This boyfriend eventually became my husband and we had two beautiful children. What went wrong you ask? My then husband emotionally and verbally abused me. He also tried to keep me away from my family and friends because he knew that they saw through him (not giving me messages when my family called, intercepting and throwing out invitations that came in the mail for things that he did not want me to go to, etc). This ended in a bitter divorce, which has taken a toll on my two children.

I know, you are NO WHERE near any of that at this point. However, you never know who you will meet in the next coming months or a year. In what I have read in your posts, you remind me so much of myself that it is scary. I also did not want to hurt anyone's feelings, etc. It is almost like I want to "warn" you about things that could happen. But then again, no one can predict the future. I just don't want anyone to have to suffer in the same ways that I suffered. Sorry for the long post.

In my long post, I forgot to state what I thought about the Gospel situation. Ask him out to a movie, etc. You are not in a committed relationship with Divinci. If you feel bad about doing this, then there is something deep down inside that you are not acknowledging. Maybe you have stronger feelings for Divinci than you realize. Or, you could be so concerned about what other people will think about you that you find it difficult to make any decisions on your own (look up the term codependency). Find strength within yourself.

Mom,
No need to apologize for the long post. It is much appreciated. I finally came to the same conclusion: the if you have to hide it from your family then it isn't worth it.

Huno,
What happened? Well I went on a two week vacation. Being apart from Divinci was not difficult for me. I actually missed Gospel more. And I haven't seen Gospel yet since returning from vacation. I made me think a bit. I feel like I really only liked Divinci because he was different then what I "knew" and because it was almost a rebellion. I hate feeling controlled by my parents. Nothing went sour. He still thinks everything is okay, mainly because when I'm with him I don't second guess myself, but when I am alone I do (a lot). My best friend had that problem. If you don't want to be with someone at all times, does that mean you might not really want to be with him? And since I can't really have a relationship with him and I am slightly uncomfortable out in public with Divinci, maybe I should end that relationship.

Mom,
I posted as you posted your shorter post. I already do go out with Gospel to movies and lunch and dinner, etc. I feel like Gospel and I seem to be "dating"... whereas Divinci and I just meet in secret. I like that Gospel and I can just go out and I can tell my mom that I am going out with him. With Divinci, I don't feel like I can talk to my mom about him.

EDIT: Divinci knows about the fact that Gospel and I go out. I don't hide that from him. But, also, the "dates" aren't technically "dates". But, I find myself wishing they were. I guess I just need that aspect of a relationship and I can't have that with Divinci. That also brings up the "settling" issue. I don't feel that Gospel would be settling. I think that I might have actually strayed away from him because he was exactly what I wanted. Maybe that scared me because it was too easy. Relationships have never been easy for me.

Good for you. And good luck to you, too.

Stargazer -

Keep in mind that relationships are not easy for anyone. They are always hard work. Like you, I gave up a boyfriend in high school because it was too easy and he liked me "too much". Now, I wish that I would have stayed with him and maybe things would have been different. Oh, the shouldas, couldas, wouldas!! Why is that we women like challenges in relationships?

Hm... so are you saying then that you think you're falling for Gospel, and you think there's not much of a chance because everyone thinks you're going out with Divinci?

Well, I would have two comments about that:

1) I think you can still go out with Gospel, but if I were you I'd be a little slick about it. I think you should gradually start flirting with Gospel more and hanging out with Divinci less. The goal would be to take it slow. This will make things look more natural, and also deals with my 2nd comment:

2) I get the feeling you're the type of girl who wants what she can't have. In other words, you wanted Divinci, and now you have him: now you can't have Gospel and suddenly you want him. Am I right? I correlate this to my first comment in the sense that, if during this "transition" you find yourself wanting to go back to Divinci, you give yourself some breathing room (as opposed to throwing yourself at Gospel 100%, in which case it would look weird if you suddenly fell for Divinci and wanted to go back to him again).

And YES, I lament that women always go for the wrong guys... because I'm always the right guy that gets dropped for the losers. Someday, that'll change...

Someday.

I think your confidence needs a boost, you need to feel good about being you...

Overcoming Shyness (http://www.marybuxton.com/Family_Matters/Overcoming_Shyness/overcoming_shyness.html)

This sight looks like some good stuff, please let me know what you think?

Nice talking to you. Bye."

Huno,

Gospel moves in three weeks... there isn't time for "gradual" change... I introduced him to my brother and his girlfriend... they both love Gospel... and I really am excited about that because family is important to me and I feel like they should like who I date... Divinci is NOT the right guy for me... I don't know why I didn't go with Gospel the first time, but now I realize my mistake... relationships are always tricky for me... I think I was scared because I am always the one who gets dumped and it hurts to be dumped, but I guess I need to put that aside and take a chance... so GOSPEL is who I am going to go after because he is someone I CAN introduce to my family and I like him A LOT A LOT A LOT!. he's adorable and such a sweetheart...

I hear that from girls a lot: they are afraid to be dumped and so they don't take chances... well, if guys thought that way too no one would ever date!

How far away is Gospel moving? Long-distance relationships aren't impossible if the two people like each other... you should go for it. Since you don't have much time, move quickly. Maybe take him to the movies and plant one on him, just out of the blue. You'd be surprised how well that can actually work on guys.

Lol... well I ended things with Divinci and I went to the movies today with Gospel... so things are going great...

Awesome:)

Lol.... well I ended things with Divinci and I went to the movies today with Gospel.... so things are going great....

Well, that's good, but you didn't mention kissing him out of the blue, LIKE I TOLD YOU TO DO. :mad:

Now you're going to have to move even faster. Next time, let him round 2nd base. And by 2nd base I mean 3rd. And by 3rd I mean call the Super 8 in advance and bring condoms.

HUNO!! Wow! Umm... I'm speechless... I am NOT going to take your advice... thanks though!

You all are going to kill me... I went back to Divinci... I give up on things right now... I'm so confused... and toying with these guys' emotions is not fun or normally what I do... I'm tired of this so I think I'm going to just stop it all... Maybe I shouldn't choose either.

You all are going to kill me.... I went back to Divinci.... I give up on things right now... I'm so confused.... and toying with these guys' emotions is not fun or normally what I do... I'm tired of this so I think I'm going to just stop it all.... Maybe I shouldnt choose either.

You know, you should forget about these two guys. I don't think this type of thing (should I call it "game"?) is what you want or what they want. In fact, you don't seem to know what you want anymore. I might have lost track of how things were going for you, but I believe you don't know what you want anymore.

Get yourself out of this game! For better or for worse? It won't lead you anywhere.

You all are going to kill me.... I went back to Divinci.... I give up on things right now... I'm so confused.... and toying with these guys' emotions is not fun or normally what I do... I'm tired of this so I think I'm going to just stop it all.... Maybe I shouldnt choose either.

I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to grab your shoulders and shake the sh!t out of you! :mad: :p

So... I guess kristynn's advice is the most logical, but I'm going to give you the most practical: you should just do whatever you want. It's really the only way you'll learn.

Learn what? Well, it depends. If you and Divinci actually make a relationship out of it, then you'll learn how to reconcile your differences with your parents to do what you think is best.

But if you just end up bouncing between a bunch of guys, you'll learn whether that's a way of life that you enjoy. Some girls have no problem dating around and if that's your thing, more power to you. If, however, you actually want a relationship of some kind you're going to find out quickly that jumping between two, three+ different guys is very unfulfilling.

Whatever you do, I hope it makes you happy. Good luck!


--huno

P.S.: okay, so are you going to tell us the logic behind your code names or what? I think I deserve something for putting up with--I mean, advising you in your hour of need. :D

Okay...

The Names:

Carrot: He has red hair. No need to tell you his real name because it has nothing to do with the nickname.

Mr Good Bar: I have no idea. I was drunk at the time and that is what I thought of.

Gospel: His name is one of the Gospel writers in the bible. Hence, the "Gospel according to ........".

Divinci: His name is the first name of a certain painter...




AND... I am pleased to anounce that things are going great with Divinci. I haven't had the desire to go back to Gospel. I think the little two day break from him was sort of a eye-opener. It almost needed to happen because it made me realize how much I felt for Divinci. I missed him... a lot... when I broke things off.

O I forgot about "Mark Twain"... for a one of the other girl servers... I used that awhile ago...

Samuel Clemens... Samantha (and she's a lesbian so I picked a guys name... I don't know)... Ah... I feel awkward and strange because of my weirdness

I like this guy at work and I want to hang out with him outside of work (maybe even as a date), but I really don't want to wait around for him to ask me because he may never do it. Here's the thing though. I don't know if he is single or taken. How do I go about asking it without it looking like I'm trying to figure out if I can have him? And if he doesn't have a gf, how do I ask him out? I am not used to the whole girl asking guy out thing, I usually wait for the guy to ask me, but I feel like I lose so many opportunities by waiting and want to just come right out and ask a guy out. I'm really shy so this isn't easy for me and I have no idea what to do.
Hi you can ask him if he has someone or not in indirect way, for example after or before weekend you can open general topic with him since he is your colleague and ask him how he spend his weekend as if you are asking for advise... or for his opinion... by this you will be able to figure it out from the conversation if he has someone in his life or not. If it did not work, try to get closer to him or to his close friend at work.

Good luck

AND... I am pleased to anounce that things are going great with Divinci. I haven't had the desire to go back to Gospel. I think the little two day break from him was sort of a eye-opener. It almost needed to happen because it made me realize how much I felt for Divinci. I missed him.... a lot.... when I broke things off.

Well, at least you're happy. :) I think that's the important thing. Hopefully things continue to go well.

Just curious: where do you see this going at this point? Do you want a long-term relationship with him? What do your parents think?

What is the true definition of happy? I don't know if she can truly be happy if she is soooo worried about what other people (most specifically her parents) may think about the person she is dating. Stargazer, be careful. I know that you should be strong and independent and choose the person that you want to be with without major influence from other people. However, really think about WHY you are attracted to him. Is it because of rebellion, that you are tired of being the good girl and this guy is giving you some kind of wild side thing? I went through that phase, thinking no one is going to tell me what to do, etc. I thought I was happy, but I was kidding myself. I ended up getting really hurt because I grew very attached to this person, even after I discovered that he was not the best for me. Then it was doubly hard to break up with him. I only wish that I would have done it a lot sooner because then the break up would not have been so hard. If you like this guy for all of the right reasons, then good for you. I know that you are young and probably are not thinking about the long term, but maybe you should start thinking about what is best for your future. Getting really attached to someone who might create a lot of problems for you in the future isn't really adviseable. Think about it. Only you can make the decision.

Mom,

I move in a week. The relationship was never meant to be long term. A summer fling is a better way of putting it. So when I move, it will be difficult to continue dating and therefore we aren't going to continue dating.

Stargazer -

Good luck to you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

Mom