Advice needed. June 06 2007
DIL refuses to acknowledge my husband and I as grandparents.
My husband and I live four hours away from my son and his family. My granddaughter is one years old.
My DIL's bad behavior started at a Christmas 06 family reunion hosted by my husband and me. DIL ignored our presence and sheltered our granddaughter so we could not hug or kiss or get near her the entire time(8hours). When the party was over DIL just walked out without saying a word, no thank you for the party, no thank you for the gifts she received, not a word. My son hugged me and thanked me for everything.
DIL continues to show a bad attitude whenever my husband and I come to visit which has only been twice since 06 Christmas. DIL never smiles and looks away when we try to have a conversation with her. DIL shelters and cuddles her daughter so we can not hug or kiss our granddaughter. The only time I get to hug my granddaughter is when my son is holding her and he lets me give her a kiss and hug her.
My husband and I continue to be loving and generous parents and grandparents to my son and his family. We give of our time and show a good attitude despite the reaction we get from DIL.
We are getting discouraged. We feel absolutely physically sick to our stomachs when we leave their home. We are both emotionally sick about this relationship with DIL.
Our son tells us that DIL will not change her attitude and we have to live with it. Her parents are the only grandparents in her eyes. We are not the grandparents and we will never be number two grandparents.
This situation is very heart wrenching for me as a person and a grandmother. I am a good person and a loving person. I don't deserve to be treated like this.
My husband and I continue to keep the communication channels open on a regular basis. We make short visits. We keep our gift giving for birthdays and special occasions at a minimum. We send greeting cards of friendship and thank you's.
We do not stay over night any more because DIL does not want us to. She will not prepare meals or have conversation with us when we are there.
We made a short visit recently. We brought a picnic lunch and few minimum gifts for our granddaughter. We stayed two hours. DIL never greeted us. She cradled our granddaughter so we could not get near and when we did our granddaughter started to cry out of control. When we sat down to eat, DIL kept her head down, ate her food and said nothing.
The only pleasant thing was seeing out granddaughter and our son. I managed to give my granddaughter a little kiss on the cheek when my son was holding her and that was all.
My son is friendly and appreciates what we do. He always says thank you and acknowledges us as grandparents.
My husband and I are getting very discouraged about keeping up our relationship with our son and his family. It is killing us emotionally to be around this unpleasant situation.
We have always been told to surround yourself with happy people and associate with people who love and appreciate you.
I don't know what to do. It is so emotionally draining when we are with my son and his family. We feel unloved, taken for granted, and upset physically most of the time during our visits. Please give us some good alternatives.

Somewhere.. sometime... someplace, something happened that you are not telling us about!Did you at sometime, maybe at the beginning,discourage your son from having a relation-ship or marrying this lady. Did you in the past create some controversy in this marriage? Find out what has caused this awful dissention! Everyone MUST "bury the hatchet," as the only one getting hurt here is the granddaughter!

I feel you. Don't stress over her attitude and don't let her stop you from having your son in your life, and through him your grands. Sometimes it takes years and years to establish a relationship, but be patient and tolerant. I ain't to keen on my daughter in law either. But I don't have to live with her either.

You son should be ashamed. You and your husband should stop all communication with your son and his wife. Your son need a DNA test. Do not visit, call or buy gifts. If your son come to visit act like he is not there. Do not - Do not discuss his wife or and the way
They have treated you. Keep your head up and spend that money and time on yourselves. Do not be a fool for your son and his wife. I guarantee if you consider the above things will change. Write and let me know what happened.

I never discouraged my son from marrying this girl. I encouraged this relationship. I thought she was a perfect match for him. She was very likable and personable in the past.
My son and his wife came to my husband and I about a year ago and asked if we were contented about being called Pop-eyed and Juju when we become grandparents. We told them we would think about the new names. In October we discussed the fact that we did not like the names they picked out for us and we preferred the traditional Grandma and Grandpa salutations. We told them especially since it was her idea that the names Pop-eyed and Juju were disrespectful and we were not comfortable being called them. All hell broke lose and our relationship with her has never been the same.
My son has told us that she is not going to change her ways and that her parents are the only ones that will be called grandma and grandpa. She will not bury the hatchet.
You are so right. The only person that is going to be hurt is the granddaughter in the long run. It is a very hurtful situation for us also. The granddaughter already looks at us as the enemy when we come to visit, thanks to the DIL influences.
We took photos at our recent visit a couple of days ago and in every photos the DIL is scowling and looking sullen and disapproving.
What are we to do?

Okay... I grew up with EIGHT sets of grandparents. Each of my parent's parents, and THEIR parents. (I knew all but 2 of my great-grandparents, and I knew 2 of my great-great grandparents).

The only ones that were called grandma and grandpa were my dad's parents. Everyone else was called something else, to limit confusion. My mother's parents were Gumma and Poppa.

It may be that you truly hurt your daughter in law when you told her that the names that she chose were not good enough for you, and that you wanted the names she wanted HER parents to be called. I don't know what's going on in her mind, honestly. However, you need to find out why EXACTLY her attitude changed.

Wouldn't it be worth seeing your granddaughter at the price of a name? And a name that the child herself might change into something interesting? (my mother is Lalu to her grandchildren, and my Gumma is now called Popper to those same kids... and I don't think either would have CHOSEN those names, but the love with which the grandchildren say those names is worth it).

I understand what you are saying about what is in a name when it comes to the love between a grandparent and a grandchild. A loving relationship is way more important than to get hung up on a name. We just did not like the names DIL picked out for us.
A name is just a name. It is the person behind the name that really counts and what they represent; their character, their behavior, their integrity. That is what it is all about. My husband and I explained this to her but she did not accept our thoughts.
I know when my granddaughter starts to talk she will come up with whatever name she is comfortable with. That will be OK in our book, no problem. We will love anything she says but right now we are nobodies to her. We are two strangers that she is not comfortable with. DIL is making sure of that.

She is only one. I doubt she knows anything right now. Exactly how does your son feel? Have you talked with him? He sounds reasonable from what you wrote, and I'm sure as the child grows, you will be able to see her as time and distance permit. Do you know her parents? How do you get along with them?

in my eyes you deserve to be called grampa and grandma, you are the biological grandparents of this child and nothing will change it no matter what problem her mother has with you.
she is being immature and all this will hurt the child in the future.
what is the child going to be told when she is older? "they are your grandparents but when you were small i wouldnt let you call them grandma and grandpa, so i tried to force them to let you call them something else, when they refused because they wanted to be known as your grandparents i made their life hell and used you as a go between"????

talaniman,
My husband and I have talked to our son and he agrees with us but he also told us that his wife has definite ideas and beliefs and will not change them. We have met her parents at the wedding and when the baby was born. Her parents live in another state. My husband and I support traditional values and the establishment and they do not. DIL is very much like them.

pergammano,
I want to put this all in a better perspective for all concerned. The bottom line is that my husband and I do not exist in my DIL's life because we represent many things she doesn't believe in. Let me back up a bit. DIL has deep prejudices that influence her antisocial behavior. The conflicts and problems we are having with her are conflicts and problems she has with the world. DIL has stated that she does not support people who work hard for a living, wealthy people who live in big houses, big business, people who work for profit, financial successful people etc. DIL refused to let the maternal and paternal great grandparents view the wedding video which was very disappointing to them. DIL would have preferred us to work in a soup kitchen at Christmas then host a big family reunion at our house. My husband and I are healthy well adjusted people and we are retired and enjoy our life together. I know that DIL will not change her views. I just wish we could all get along socially for the sake of our granddaughter. How do we maintain a good relationship with our son and granddaughter when DIL makes serious attempts to sabotage our relationship with our son and granddaughter?

This is a very sad and unfortunate situation that you and your husband are in.
In the bible it says that God will give you riches if you work hard for them, then, why is it so wrong for hard working people to have nice things in life. All that should matter is that the person should remain the same, kind, noble, and humble. DIL does not see this and perhaps will need to grow up a bit and/or perhaps pick up the book of life sometime. You and your husband are the grandparents of that child. I find it a bit silly to be calling grandparents by different little nicknames that don't even make sense! Everyone should be called by what they are unless the child herself decided to call you granny because grandmother was just simply too long for her to pronounce at such age!

Your DIL is not only affecting your life and your husbands, but she doesn't realize that she's affecting her life and her immediate familys life as well. She's going to turn you son into a monster. She's miserable,and she's making everyone miserable as well. Don't fall for her trap. As to the baby, its going to be tough, but she will grow up and realize,, one day justice will be made. Your DIL will have a taste of her own medicine, mark my words. Its just so unfortunate that the DIL will learn through her daughter. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through but if it were my DIL, I would keep visiting but I would completely ignore her just as she ignores me. Don't keep worrying so much because that's only feeding her even more. She's loving the fact that she sees you in pain. SOme people are just miserable like that. Don't fall for it<<for the sake of your granddaughter<think about that.

Is your son an only child and is this your only grandchild?

My son is our only child and we have only one granddaughter.

The conversation is between your son and you, as it may take years to have even a polite relationship with your daughter in law. Be patient you will have many chances in the future.

Advice needed. June 06 2007
DIL refuses to acknowledge my husband and I as grandparents.
My husband and I live four hours away from my son and his family. My granddaughter is one years old.
My DIL's bad behavior started at a Christmas 06 family reunion hosted by my husband and me. DIL ignored our presence and sheltered our granddaughter so we could not hug or kiss or get near her the entire time(8hours). When the party was over DIL just walked out without saying a word, no thank you for the party, no thank you for the gifts she received, not a word. My son hugged me and thanked me for everything.
DIL continues to show a bad attitude whenever my husband and I come to visit which has only been twice since 06 Christmas. DIL never smiles and looks away when we try to have a conversation with her. DIL shelters and cuddles her daughter so we can not hug or kiss our granddaughter. The only time I get to hug my granddaughter is when my son is holding her and he lets me give her a kiss and hug her.
My husband and I continue to be loving and generous parents and grandparents to my son and his family. We give of our time and show a good attitude despite the reaction we get from DIL.
We are getting discouraged. We feel absolutely physically sick to our stomachs when we leave their home. We are both emotionally sick about this relationship with DIL.
Our son tells us that DIL will not change her attitude and we have to live with it. Her parents are the only grandparents in her eyes. We are not the grandparents and we will never be number two grandparents.
This situation is very heart wrenching for me as a person and a grandmother. I am a good person and a loving person. I don't deserve to be treated like this.
My husband and I continue to keep the communication channels open on a regular basis. We make short visits. We keep our gift giving for birthdays and special occasions at a minimum. We send greeting cards of friendship and thank you's.
We do not stay over night any more because DIL does not want us to. She will not prepare meals or have conversation with us when we are there.
We made a short visit recently. We brought a picnic lunch and few minimum gifts for our granddaughter. We stayed two hours. DIL never greeted us. She cradled our granddaughter so we could not get near and when we did our granddaughter started to cry out of control. When we sat down to eat, DIL kept her head down, ate her food and said nothing.
The only pleasant thing was seeing out granddaughter and our son. I managed to give my granddaughter a little kiss on the cheek when my son was holding her and that was all.
My son is friendly and appreciates what we do. He always says thank you and acknowledges us as grandparents.
My husband and I are getting very discouraged about keeping up our relationship with our son and his family. It is killing us emotionally to be around this unpleasant situation.
We have always been told to surround yourself with happy people and associate with people who love and appreciate you.
I don't know what to do. It is so emotionally draining when we are with my son and his family. We feel unloved, taken for granted, and upset physically most of the time during our visits. Please give us some good alternatives.
My relationship has never been great with my DIL. I feel for you and know I face the same future if and when they have children. She is just not a nice person and forces herself to be nice. I have had no contact with my son and his wife since 12/12/07. I raised my voice at her on the phone and yes, I admit that I had had a couple of glasses of wine but I feel that the punishment does not fit the crime. I am told that we as parents have to answer to a higher authority. I have sent card's and letter's and still nothing. I feel that it is your son's place to speak up to his wife. Otherwise, go adopt a new grandchild and give your love to them. People that use children as pawns do not deserve respect. She should be teaching her daughter forgivness, not hatred. God bless you and your husband.

You son should be ashamed. You and your husband should stop all communication with your son and his wife. Your son need a DNA test. Do not visit, call or buy gifts. If your son come to visit act like he is not there. Do not - Do not discuss his wife or and the way
they have treated you. Keep your head up and spend that money and time on yourselves. Do not be a fool for your son and his wife. I guarantee if you consider the above things will change. Write and let me know what happened.



That's mature! A DNA test? This is not the Springer show.

Every story has 2 sides. To be frank, no person is all wonderful and guiltfree in problem relationships. It sounds to me, in the instance you described "interfering" with your son's marriage was unwarranted. Perhaps your DIL sent her child to stay with relatives for 10 days BECAUSE of her convalescence. Perhaps she didn't want them worrying or seeing her in such a state or having her knowingly absent from the home. To accuse her and your son of "abandoning" their child is absurd at best and highly insulting. I used to spend 2 weeks with my grandparents every summer and NEVER felt abandoned.

While the odds are good that your DIL has been unhelpful to the situation, I would bet that you have been as well. You may not even realize what you may be doing that is so offensive. Likewise, you DIL may not grasp her mishandling of the situation either. Also, it could be that she doesn't have the maturity that you should have by now to objectively handle things. Therefore...

I think you should talk with her, one on one. You say you are intimidated by speaking with both your son and daughter in law, so this may be a better alternative. If you truly want to reconcile this, you must be the bigger person and make the first move. You should not accuse her, even though you may be justified. You should explain your feelings and your honest intentions to her. This isn't a "confrontation" so much as an attempt to "connect". There is little logic in the pathway of relationships and connecting. In your attempt to connect, you should listen to her. I mean REALLY listen. Ask her to voice her feelings and really try to understand from her point of view (remember she is younger and not in your shoes and doesn't have your life experience. You cannot expect her to. She will be there one day and hopefully you will have set a good example) absent of "right and wrong". If she feels heard and understood, she will be much much more receptive to cooperating with you.

However, remember, despite in effort made by you, there is always a chance of rejection. She may not have any desire to form anything other than a perfunctory relationship. If I am honest, that is all I personally desire from my MIL myself. I would NEVER keep her from her grandchildren because I realize the precious relationship between a grandparent and grandchild. I would never let my child see any dislike I may hold towards my MIL (which I don't). The truth is I honestly do not view my husband's family as my own. And I don't think that makes me an awful person. I just odn't "connect". However, I am always respectful, polite, and do my duty. Just don't expect us to be "buddies".

I feel for you because I have a similar difficulty with my DIL and we are awaiting our first grandchild and expect that we will not be part of his life. I grew up in a very large family and had many grandparents and the simple truth is that grandparents should be called by their respectful names. DIL's should respect their elders wishes not to be called names that are disrespectful. Grandparents have a right to be called names they feel represent who they are as individuals. As for getting confused, we always called our grandparent by the Grandpa and their surname or Grandpa and the first initial of their surname. What's wrong with that? It takes two parents to make a child and they come with 2 parents if you are lucky they are still alive. This shift in relationships where our children cannot respect the wishes of their parents for something as simple as how they want to be called is just disrespectful. What goes around will come around.

I feel for you because I have a similar difficulty with my DIL and we are awaiting our first grandchild and expect that we will not be part of his life. I grew up in a very large family and had many grandparents and the simple truth is that grandparents should be called by their respectful names. DIL's should respect their elders wishes not to be called names that are disrespectful. Grandparents have a right to be called names they feel represent who they are as individuals. As for getting confused, we always called our grandparent by the Grandpa and their surname or Grandpa and the first initial of their surname. What's wrong with that? It takes two parents to make a child and they come with 2 parents if you are lucky they are still alive. This shift in relationships where our children cannot respect the wishes of their parents for something as simple as how they want to be called is just disrespectful. What goes around will come around.


First of all, the OP hasn't been on this thread in a year and a half---so, while good intentioned, your reply probably won't be seen by the person you directed it to.


Secondly--YOU raised one of the parents of your grandchild. If you can't have any sway with your child, whose fault is that? Did you raise YOUR child to be respectful of their grandparents? Did you even THINK about how the grandparents felt about seeing your children until you were a grandparent yourself?

Regardless, the PARENT of a child still has more say in that child's upbringing than a grandparent does.

To synnnen... in answer to your response. This isn't a question of who has the last say in raising children. I know the facts. I was allowed to raised my son and make my own decisions. They will be allowed to raise their child without interference by us. My son was raised with the values for equal love and attention to all grandparents--even step grandparents! However, there are far too many parents of the groom/husband who are being shunned from their sons lives. So, if it is a problem for my son it is also a problem for MANY sons. It's like we have had to completely let go of any relationship we ever had with our child... it's like death. Do you think that the son's parents have any less feelings for their sons than the parents of the daughter? So, why is it that DILs just can snubbed their husband's parents but the wife's parents are honored and loved and brought into the marital fold? Yes, the sons should stand up but they want to keep peace in the family and go along with their new family because of how they were raised to respect others. After all, if the DIL gets upset then her mother takes it out on the son and then sisters step in and make life miserable. It's like a castration process by the women of her family. I've been at the receiving end of her unreasonableness. DILs who only want their family just get their way without any consideration for the husbands family. And, society promotes this mental sickness by calling the MIL toxic and suggesting from the start to place BIG limits on the husband's parents relationships. This is a mentally sick thought process that is becoming prevalent in our society. Parents sitting on the sidelines waiting to be called in and treated no better than the neighbor across the street. If I had a daughter and she were treating her MIL this way, I would be having a conversation with her about the importance of these people in their children's lives. But, I don't have a daughter.. I have just my son.

Just want you to know that my mother HAD the toxic mother in law. My grandmother was CRUEL to my mother--and my dad didn't stand up for her, because he didn't want to lose his mother.

We spent more time with my mother's mother than my father's mother, definitely. But that was because WE, the children, did not like our paternal grandmother saying bad things about our mother. My mother always gave us the choice about who to spend time with, and my paternal grandmother was always too bitter about my father being "trapped" into marriage to remember that my mother was still the mother of her grandchildren.

I think there is fault on BOTH sides. Have you welcomed your daughter in law as you would a daughter? Have you stood up for her to other people. Have you seen her side of things and not just your son's side? Have you gone OUT OF YOUR WAY to invite her to things and to make her feel welcome, or to include her in your traditions? Have you adjusted to HER traditions gracefully, or have you been snotty about it? When you see something she might do easier a different way---HOW do you point it out? Are you really making it sound like it might be easier for her to do it "your" way, or are you making HER way sound silly or stupid?

I have the world's best mother in law. I'd do anything for her, because I know she'd do the same for me. My FATHER in law is a different story altogether. He makes the same snide comments that I hear other women complaining about their mother-in-laws making. He refuses to follow rules set up for the kids, and breaks them at every opportunity. He also refuses to deal with the kids when they get cranky, or his way of dealing with them is to give in to them, so that there has to be re-training of how "nice" people behave or of what the REAL rules are when they get home.

He'd say, though, that he was a model father in law and a terrific grandfather.

I suggest the women (and men!) that think they're the innocent party and are being shunned and left out of their grandchildrens' lives take a good hard look at how they treat their grandchildrens' parents.

Oh, thanks for responding again and I do appreciate your straightforward questions. I am truly not a snotty person and my husband is a very loving man who does not interfere or inject his opinions. I was looking forward to having a beautiful DIL and enjoyed shopping and giving special gifts for holidays. Gifts were given with the idea that she could return them if she didn't like them and I shopped at her favorite stores so they would be the type of clothing she wanted. On the other hand, she has come off with my family as judgmental and demanding and just inhospitable toward them. They had travelled some distance to the wedding. These are adult children. They built their own home and really have no need for parents to help them. On moving day, we asked if we could help move them as it was a special day. We bought everyone breakfast and proceeded to help move them. Since it was their home, I helped where I could. Her mother set up her beds and kitchen up and I just took my direction where needed. We have been invited twice in over 2 years to their home to be entertained with their parents but never invited with just the 4 of us. Each week her parents stop in for Sunday coffee. I have mentioned to my son several times that it would be nice to be able to stop in for a few hours too. We live 35 minutes away and have called when we were in the area and have been told that they were too busy. Giving advice? We haven't been asked nor have we given advice. With my family all out of town and my husband's family who do not get together very often, it is hard to compete with the DILs family who are young and have lots of informal get togethers. She is just not interested in our family. She will only do the "duty" things and for a very short span of time... she is very controllling and my son goes along with it. It's very hurtful.

I understand the hurt and frustration that you are experiencing. I am the mother of three adult sons and have had a similar situation with my oldest sons wife. She is very much a "grudge" holder and seems to look for any and every way possible to "control". It seems that maybe being the "sons" mother rather than the "girls" mother has a lot to do with problems. We settled on being "Grammy" and "Papa". The DIL calls the shots on visitation (they are 3 1/2 hours away) and often times leaves when we are coming for a visit. In our day, this was known as "rude". She seizes the opportunity to go to visit an Aunt in a neighboring town. After 10 years, our son and DIL have given us three delightful grandchildren. It is hard to bond with the kids as much as we would like because our son and DIL have peculiar rules pertaining to the kids. For example, no cartoon characters on toys or clothing, no toy guns (until about a year ago), only certain toys with safety features can be given as gifts and all gifts must have prior approval. Contributions to college funds are always permissible :-) My husband is a retired teacher of 35 years and I raised three sons so we aren't exactly clueless when it comes to appropriateness. Anyway, good luck and at least your son hasn't started to be more like the DIL !

The original post was from TWO YEARS AGO.

I doubt she's going to come back and read your experience at this point.