Hi my girlfriend of 4 years recently broke up with me after saying she was unhappy for months as we never talked about our problems and in the end she just had enough and wanted out. I am devastated and have asked her for another chance but she told me that she thinks it will go back to how it was before and she is happy the way things are! This went on for three weeks and I had been suspicious from day one why she suddenly split with me with no warning. Two days ago I had enough of being a paranoid freak so I read her text messages on her phone to find messages from a bloke she used to work with! It was pretty shocking as they were like "I want to be with you for the rest of my life" and " Im happy to tell everyone that we are together." She told me it was all him but she wouldn't show me her sent messages so I don't believe her. She says she is not with him and they have done nothing together but I have no reason to believe that either. She still tells me she is not sure what she wants from the future and that she feels like she needs more time but we have a baby girl together of 18 months and it seems to me she really doesn't realise what she is doing to our family. She seems so confused, one minute she tells me she doesn't want me and the next she is not sure. I keep telling her if she doesn't give it another go she will never know if we could be happy together cause she didn't try! Im at the point of giving up and I need some advice quick because I'm going insane! PLEASE HELP ME. James

James, I'm really sorry for what has happened in you and your girlfriends' relationship. But, if I were in your shoes, I would completely leave her alone. The only contact I would have with her is if it has to do w/ur daughter. Maybe she needs space. Maybe she felt smothered but was to afraid to say anything in fear to hurt your feelings. I know it would be hard to take this kind of advice cause apparently you love her a lot, but maybe if you back off and give her some space, she'll realize how much she really does love you and want to be a family again. But trust me, the more you come around (only if it doesn't have to do with your daughter) the more she'll become more distance she'll become. Good luck James!

Thanks for your answer but I need more! I don't want to see her because it really upsets me but I'm scared if I don't see her she will get over me and forget about me! The last few months were a bit crap but she never told me how she was feeling and she tells me she only thinks about the bad things and she has a lot of anger for me for some reason. A mutual friend is going to talk to her about it and see if she can make her see sense but I'm worried about this as well because she says she is sick of talking about it to people because its none of their business. I know she is confused and it seems she is going through a bit of a strange phase because she was never like this before. She says she is just liking the attention from the other bloke but it seems like more from what the text message said! She also says she is happier now than she has been for a long time which makes me very confused! How can I make her realise that we need to be a family and try and work through this instead it seems like she is just running away from the problems we had. She says it would be easier to get back with me than not but she is not sure what she wants for the future! I feel now she has told me all that she wanted to we could make a fresh start and really try again but she just leaves me hanging!

In my oppinion she is cheating on you, from the texts you found it sounds like it has been going on for some time. she isnt really acting like a responsible new mother.
I would give her what she wants, space, and if i were you i would get myself some new interests/friends/hobbies whatever you want, to get you out of the house, you time.
no matter what, be there for your baby.

Im totally agree with purple-hearts advice. She not worth your time and good feelings. Give her all the time in the world, but all!! If you can prove that she behave unfaithful, she's negligent as a wife, well at least legally.
If she came with this out of the blue, and then bing, bang and crash, I'm not happy, I'm leaving you, she has something cocked before. Just wave her goodbye and start thinking if she might be a good example to your baby girl.
Better it happened now that later.
Relationships must be an open communication and commitment system at both ends.

Be strong man for your baby

The last time we spoke she told me she wasn't sure what she wants for the future and if we tried again it would go back to how it used to be. The thing is we split up just after the new year for two months and she says in that time she got over me and she only got back with me because she felt lonely! Our mutual friend saw her yesterday and she told her that she can't make herself love me and that I would get over her! She also told her that she isn't with this bloke (which I think is a lie) and she wants to be on her own! Its like she is telling everyone else one thing and me the other and I can't understand why! Is she telling me lies or them? Does she really know what she wants for the future and it is not me? I have not spoken to her for three days now and feel better for it but I'm going to have to soon to see my daughter and I am dreading it because I feel I will be straight back to square one! I love her so much :(

She swears that she is not with this bloke and all she likes is the attention but I'm not sure! I saw her lastnight and we are getting on really well, I didn't mention anything about the break up or him because I really want her back and don't want to get on her case. I figure if we are going to get back together it is meant to be if she gets with this bloke or not. I might just have to wait a while! Do you think it is best to stay friends with her or not see her? I thought staying friends and being there for her will be better because we will never lose friendship and friendship could lead back to a relationship. What do you think?

I'd say follow your heart! But be careful!

You have a child together and whether you two get the love going or not you will have to deal with your child together. I think you should cut the contact with the mother and start focusing on being on the same page to raise the child. For your own good start getting your life together without her in it as much.

I see what you are saying but we both agreed that we need to still do things as a family to make it as normal for Sophie as possible. I really want her back and I just hope she comes round to my way of thinking. What thing do you lot think I could do to get the love back? I need some help here!

I think before you can get this relationship back you have to get yourself back, asI believe you've spent so much time thinking of ways to kiss her butt you've lost yourself, and don't know it. Don't want to be harsh here, but you need time to think on your terms, and reflect about how you want things to go. Putting everything under her control and whim is not healthy. Some where dude you have to draw a line as to what's acceptable and what's not. And you must communicate with her to solve your problems, an impartial trained 3rd party can do wonders in this area and I think you both should try it together.

Does anyone have any ideas of how I could win back her heart?

I went out with her today with Sophie and everything went OK. I still want her really bad and it sucked a bit but I'm doing the family thing for my daughter so I know I must be strong. She said she enjoyed it and wants to do it again soon which is better than a kick in the teeth I suppose. Still need some ideas how I can win back her love though...

I think you just need to give her some time to think things over, quit bringing up the break up and the other guy. You don't know for sure what has or hasn't happened with him, so don't just assume something did. Just be there. When she decides what she wants she will let you know. In the mean time, get on with your life. Go out have a good time, do somethig with the guys, just don't do anything dumb that would jeopardize your chances with getting back with her. Just do something to get your mind off her and the situation.

I have been doing stuff. I went out at the weekend and got very drunk and the next day felt twice as bad as normal so I won't be doing that again. This girl keeps txtin me but I'm not interested because I don't want to ruin things.

Does anyone have any ideas of how I could win back her heart?

I was married for 21 years and yes I loved him but no one and I mean no one will cheat ion me and get away with it. Do not let anyone make you lose yourself esteem . You deseve better. Make a life for you baby and move on . She say she knows you will not get over her PROVE HER WRONG. You said the only reason she took you back was because she was lonely. Baby, get a grip, YOU ARE WORTH MORE than that. Love yourself first.

Is anyone else is the same situation cause it would be good to talk to someone that is?

I'm in the same situation... We broke up 2 months and a half ago... we hung out last week and had an amzing time together. She hugged and cried on me and stuff but she said she still isn't sure if she wants to get back... I just kept things up-beat and that's it. I being a lot stronger on the outside than I ever was, but still dealing with the pain in the inside without showing it... Little by little I'm getting thee... I do not contact her. I let her if she wants to, but I made sure I left things in good terms... Well if she wants me she knows she is accepted and doesn't have to have any thoughts in her head. In the meantime, I'm trying to move on, not necessarily with other women but with my life in general... Just keeping her out of my mind as hard as it is. My plan is to just sit back and relax and I feel good because I showed her the great guy she remembers and wells if she still wants out and just be friends, I know I tried and left things in place where they could've been picked up and well, eventually she is the one who lost out. Plus I'm glad we are not in bad terms regardless. I'm giving her a week even though she doesn't know. IIf after a week she doesn't make an attempt then I will have the closure in my mind that thing are definitell over. I mean if she wants me and we had a great time and she cried, what's stopping her now? Well, I'm basing everything on this week now. Every second counts and I can't believe I'm taking it so well. Stay strong my friend. If it may help, you can read my post... Break-up affects! Take care and good luck!

It sound like your doing all right mate! Better than me anyway. My ex seems happier than she has been for ages and even though she says she is not with this bloke there are to many things that point to the fact she is. Soon after we split up she moved Sophies cot out of our room into her own room,there was a picture on the bedside table of us kissing and a few days later it had gone. Then there are the text messages and her saying that she is somewhere when she is not! For me it is looking bleak! I'm starting to give up hope and even though I have told her exactly how I feel she still hasn't shown any emotion! Its as if she has just rubbed me out of her life and moved on straight away! I'm not sure her knowing she can have me back anytime is such a good thing. We went out as a family the other day and she seemed to like it and said we should do it again but playing happy families and pretending everything is all right was no good for me. Also its as if she has the best of both worlds, being single and being a family when she feels like it for a few hours. I'm not sure whether to stick around and be there for her in the hope that she will see sense or cut all contact and get my mum to pick up Sophie so I don't ever have to see her! The fact she doesn't think I think she is with him is quite a major thing to her. When I found the messages I told her that was it there is no chance for us but stupidly told her I still wanted her a few days later on the phone. She said I don't want you to hate me but told my mum she hates me! What the ****! If anyone can figure out anything let me know. Thanks, James.

When you found what messages?

I talked about them in my original post up there ^

I have an update! I talked to her mum last night properly for the first time in the four years that we have been together. She said to give her time and space and she might see what she had. She also said she will talk to her when they are away for the week because she can see that I have realised the mistakes I made in the relationship and that I really do love her and want it to work. She said had never seen this side of me before. She told me she wants us to be a family so much because her children only saw their dad once a year as he lives in Scotland and is not well enough to travel. I really hope she can talk some sense into her! I do know one thing and that is I still want her just as much today as I did the day we split up but its not as painful anymore because I have realised that she probably won't be coming back to me and I am ready for this but if she does I will be the happiest person in the world at that time! She also told me she isn't with this bloke and she is just liking the attention which has put my mind at ease a bit.

Hi james
I'm sorry this happened tp you... I know its difficult but I think you have to let go... do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you... im sure you probably think yes yes... but really things will never change now... be strong and let go... it will hurt but in the long run you will have your pride and self respect... you can do xxxx susie

I don't know your stuation but after a few years especially when a child is involved, females get cranky when a man doesn't commit (Marriage) to them, and they can be very hard to understand. Have you ever had this conversation about marriage, before or do you think you can sail through like everything is OK??

The thing I notice about all your posts is it's all about your ex and getting her back and almost nothing about your daughter and getting her back. You may or may not have a lifelong relationship with your ex, but you do absolutely owe it to your daughter to have a lifelong relationship with her regardless of what happens between you and her mother.

My advice is to focus entirely and exclusively on cultivating a relationship with your daughter. If your ex is a genuinely good mother that should help inprove your relationship with her as well, but don't do it for that reason. Do it because you love your daughter and want her in your life no matter what happens with your ex.

The thing I notice about all your posts is it's all about your ex and getting her back and almost nothing about your daughter and getting her back. You may or may not have a lifelong relationship with your ex, but you do absolutely owe it to your daughter to have a lifelong relationship with her regardless of what happens between you and her mother.

My advice is to focus entirely and exclusively on cultivating a relationship with your daughter. If your ex is a genuinely good mother that should help inprove your relationship with her as well, but don't do it for that reason. Do it because you love your daughter and want her in your life no matter what happens with your ex.
Since we have split up I have had my daughter loads! I had her this week from Tuesday right through until Friday morning which I loved so much. My ex is really good about me seeing her and I can have her whenever I want. I agree with what you say and I have been doing this right from day one.


I don't know your stuation but after a few years especially when a child is involved, females get cranky when a man doesn't commit (Marriage) to them, and they can be very hard to understand. Have you ever had this conversation about marriage, before or do you think you can sail thru like everything is ok????????????
I haven't talked to her about this and I am not sure how she feels about it. What do you mean by sail through like everything is all right? :confused:

Just shooting in the dark, but many females who feel that after a while the man doesn't see a future, they tend to think they should find someone who thinks that way. She my say nothing, because she wants it to come from you, but females tend to look to the future, and it my be you offer none. Many long relationship end for that very reason, future security as in family, marriage. Not to put things in your head at all, but the what a lot of woman want, men also. She has never asked you where this relationship is going?? Its like moving to the next level of the relationship.

So what do you suggest I do? I mean I can't just prepose to her as we are not together and she says she don't love me even though I think she still does! Also with this bloke txtin her her mind is elsewhere! I see where you are coming from though. I know many people post on here move on get,over her but I did loads of stupid little things to make this happen and I'm not just going to give up on our family and our relationship that easily. I admit blaming myself isn't going to get me anywhere and she did thing that got to me also but those things have already happened so I can't do anything about them.

Just food for thought as to why things may have gone the way they did. For now, as I have said, and Ordinary Guy has also mentioned, the relationship with your daughter is a priority, because what we adults forget, is the confusion a child goes through when we change things on them, all of a sudden. What your ex does next is any body's guess.

Yeah I know and not knowing is the worst thing. A part of me is saying forget about it its over and another part is saying don't give up yet and just give her time. The thing is how much time do you give someone and how much do you put up with before you say to yourself enough is enough? I know asking you lot that is pointless and only I know how long I'm willing to wait but writing it on here vents my thoughts and its good for me to get it off my chest! I want to thank everyone who has posted replies because you have all helped me out no end.

Go up to her & ask to just sit down & talk about what you guys want to do. Like ask her if you could do anything to help your relationship & anyhting she could help in th relationship too. Just try talking about things & ask her about the txt messages...ask her who the guy is. & who she truelly wants in her life

We have talked about it when we first split. At first she said she was unhappy and wanted to be on her own and I said I will do this and that to make things better but she just didn't want to know! That's what got me paranoid! Her giving up so easily made me wonder why won't she give it another try, why is she acting like we have already tried everything we could to save us because we hadn't! When I found the messages she said she didn't want to tell me because it might of never come to anything and she didn't want me to get the wrong idea. She told me his name and she thought he was a nice guy and most other men she knew wernt. Rather nieve I think because he has fancied her for ages and he will obviously tell her everything she wants to hear to get with her! After this day we spoke on the phone and she said she still doesn't know what she wants for the future and that she feels like she hasn't had enough time but that just leaves me hanging! I don't want to push her in to anything she doesn't want or push her away even more by keep talking about it with her so I guess I will just have to wait and see if her being away for a week changes anything or if she decides she wants this other tit!

It sounds like if she doesnt want to tlak about it she maybe with him & not telling you. maybe just hang loose around her dont call her EVERY MIN. just relax wait till she calls you. if you think she is waiting for you to call her then call her & just bring up a subj. if she feels liek she ahs to bring up the subj. then just listen. maybe she want to tell you the truth.

Wow... She is talking to another guy and still you stay around? Think about it... The love of your life left you and is talking to another guy. She asks for more time to see how things go with the other guy and if nothing then she will return... Leave her in the curb! You are much better than this. No contact at all now! Get get your life together and see her the least possible since you have a baby and now show her that you are doing okay. Living well is the best type of revenge!

This is going to be my last post. I'd like to thank everyone for there advice and help they have given me over the past month, I appreciate it. I feel like there is nothing left for me to say or do. I have no job, nothing to look forward to in my life and no hope. I feel like I have just hit rock bottom and things are getting worse, not better. I have lost everything. I still cry myself to sleep and hate waking up in the morning. In fact sometimes I wish that I didn't wake up at all.

Get yourself out and about and stay busy. Things can only get worse if you let them! You may have to start from scratch but it doesn't mean you won't be at your tops very soon. Join the gym for a start.

Well I'm back! I spoke to her mum and she told me that she is with this bloke! I am OK now! I hate her for what she has done which makes it a lot easier because she has been so deceitful about it all. Me and my mate went round her flat and caught him coming out and getting in his car! What makes it better is he has got nothing on me (dont mean to sound big headed) he looks like a right skid! We had him cowering in his car with the doors locked shouting "I will press charges" Lol absolute ! He will get what's coming to him! He s.h.i.t his pants! She says she is happy and I'm glad! Glad to be rid of her that is! I have seen Sophie and I'm having her Tuesday,Wednesday and Thursday which is good! I am sooooooo angry! I can't wait for it to all come crashing down on her so she sees what she has done and by that time it will be way too late! I am already a member of a gym and have been going overtime lately. I have got a lot of work on laboring at £9 an hour so I should be getting some decent cash soon too. I haven't spoken to her since I found out only text messages and I have told her exactly what I think which she didn't like but I just don't care anymore. There is only so much someone can take before they are tipped over the edge and I have taken a lot! I am back on track and when I stop being so angry and stressed which could be quite a long time I will eventually see her and show her what she could have had but she isn't getting any of it! Its funny how things change, one minute I loved her so much and thought I could take her back no matter what and the next I really do hate her for the way she has approached the whole situation. Peace :D

Now you know where you stand and can plan without looking behind you. Just be a great Dad, and never let your kid know what a witch her mom is. It gets better, just not today.

Trust me I'm going to give Sophie more than she could ever want. She is the only girl that matters to me, I have unconditional love for her and she is mine forever no matter what. I will just make sure she doesn't grow up like her mother!

Sounds to me like what you are doing is not working. My advice is you give her some space, and for all it's worth I hope you have your conversations when your child is not around. Sometimes women leave because they feel like their needs are not being met, either physically, emotionally, or just in general. Woman at times can be needy and if she didn't say anything to you my guess is because she already checked out. First things first women hate buggers they don't like a man to beg them to be with them. It's not attractive by all means. Sure woman like to be chased but don't make yourself look desperate either. Concentrate on your daughter and take baby steps... offer her coffee when she comes to see the child or bring coffee when you go to her place to pick up the child, sometimes taking baby steps will get you more of what your looking for faster. Hope it works out for you, but if it doesn't you'll still be fine, even though you may not see it yet!