I am a 31 year old male, who has been married for close to a year. My wife is extremely overweight. I loved her when we got married, and I love her now. I am just not attracted to her at all. She is a pretty girl, but she is Severely overweight. I am chuncky myself, but it is hard to get turned on. She says that she is going to diet, and then doesn't. She complains that we do not make love anymore, but to be honest, I just can't anymore. I am not attracted to her. One issue that she constantly pushes, is oral sex. She will give it to me, but I have never done it to her. To be honest, I am grossed out by the thought of it. I am thinking of looking elsewhere.. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? She has put on close to 100 pounds in the 5 years that I have known her. Is it wrong to feel this way?

Were you attracted to her sexually when u married her?

I was, kind of. I loved her for who she was. She is great in every aspect. I just don't find her sexually attractive now. I think I had my reservations about how she looked.. But I looked past that..

You said that you are chunky yourself [no offense], why don't you two attend the gym together and help her in losing the weight?

I want to go to the gym. She says that she is too heavy to work out.. she needs to diet first. But she won't diet. I have been losing weight, to try to set an example, but that is not working either. It is making me disgusted in her.

Then look past it now... you short changed yourself and now you are short changing her... and this is not fair... how dare you to contemplate having an affair. Get your rear end out and start exercising and eating healthy . She will probably follow your lead. Both of you go get phyiscals... maybe she has some type of health problem because that is a lot of weight to put on( 20 pounds a year). Talk to her don't crush her feelings... she may eat more if you do that. Good luck


I want to go to the gym. She says that she is too heavy to work out.. she needs to diet first. But she won't diet. I have been loosing weight, to try to set an example, but that is not working either. It is making me disgusted in her.
You somehow feel disgusted in her because your able to get motivated.. and she isn't... not good... you need to figure out why you married someone that you obivously deem not good enough for you

Nowadays you can diet with minimal effort. There are a number of food companies that can offer you lean juicy steak that helps you loose wait while enjoying your food, and there are a number of products out there available.

Try this ideas with her and see whether she will like it...

Hiya bush & lonelyguy. Lonelyguy, what about joining weightwatchers together? If she is against exercising right now, find a way to do something together that will help motivate her. A lot of the people who go are very overweight so she won't feel uncomfortable, as she might in a gym. Here is their website.http://www.weightwatchers.com/index.aspx
In the upper right hand corner there is a link to "find a meeting." Click on it and type in your zip code. All the locations where they meet in your area, will pop up.

You did marry her for better or for worse. Something is going on with her that has created this weight issue. If you love her and want to help her, before giving up and doing something that you will regret, start looking for creative solutions. You may want to call your doctor's office and get some names of nutritionists or counselors. Get proactive. What does she like to do besides eating? Think outside the box.

I have a friend that has lost 40 lbs in a year and a half on weight watchers. So it can work, Lonely I'm sorry if I was to tough on you but I hate to hear someone talking about cheating on their spouse or thinking about it esp. since you have only been married for 1 year and she was gaining weight all along. Please don't involve another woman into your problems... that will only make things worse. Good luck

Try to get her to skip all desserts and appetizers... just one plate of food and go for long romantic walks. But whatever you do make sure you do it too so she is not alone. You don't have to go to the gym to work out. Just walk around the neighborhood for twenty minutes... it's better then nothing.

You know... personally, it ticks me off when my husband wants me to do something because he's doing it. He wanted me to quit smoking because HE wanted to quit smoking. He's losing weight and exercising, and I know I need to do the same, but frankly--I hate that it's so easy for him, and so hard for me. So... I don't go. I hate how I look, too... I've gained about 65 lbs since he and I first met. But... I HATE going to a gym. I hate the perky blondes that bounce around with all that energy, when I'm feeling fat to begin with, and then I'm like--what's the point? I'll NEVER be that skinny again anyway!

As far as the dieting goes... are you willing to give up good food too? To only eat salads and have small portions and have no chocolate, no sweets, no ice cream, no cake, no Fruity Pebbles in the house? That's one thing my husband won't do. He says that he knows that he just has to exercise more if he has ice cream for dessert... but to me, having the ice cream in the house to begin with is a downfall I can't get past.

Maybe the 2 of you can do activities together that Aren't at a gym--go for a bike ride, a walk, shopping at the mall, anything to get up off the couch and DO something. Does your wife like to shop? Make that into exercise and motivation! Give her a goal, and rewards once she reaches that goal--a new dress, a night at a fancy dinner show or the opera or something that SHE wants but can't get you to go to to save her life.

More than anything else, make sure she knows that you love her, and that you are doing this for HER, for her health and for her self-esteem.

My husband and I have always had to battle our weight. Walking is the easiest way to burn extra calories and you don't need a gym membership. I hate gyms - don't like people looking at me and all those mirrors! Although I do enjoy the water aerobics that our local rec center has - those are good if you are really overweight because it is easier on the joints and you are in the water which gives a little privacy.

Find something you like to do together like the water aerobics or bicycling or walking or dancing. I can never lose weight by diet alone - I have to get moving. A trip to the doctor really sounds necessary - she could have thyroid issues or depression which tends to send a person into a self-defeat mode.

Don't give up and don't go looking somewhere else. Remember you promised for better or worse - time to work on the worse and make it better.

well said above^^^^

also what about the Subway diet? Subway is nice tasting and yet the right ones are also weight watcher-types.

first try a romantic walk once every night -it's excersise and you may start to discuss some other matters (like oral sex-in the future). The walk should start your excersice routine without even knowing it? What do you think?

cheers

You need to evaluate your marriage, is the love still there?
Is it worth complying with weight loss together?
Or is she just the unattractive one in your marriage?
She probably adores you for you, therefore she can except your body physically/sexually.

You don't seem very intrigued with who she is. :(

Your wife sounds a little depressed. Maybe if she goes to a therapist it will help her with her weight issues as well.

I am a 31 year old male, who has been married for close to a year. My wife is extremely overweight. I loved her when we got married, and I love her now. I am just not attracted to her at all. She is a pretty girl, but she is SEVERLY overweight. I am chuncky myself, but it is hard to get turned on. She says that she is going to diet, and then doesn't. She complains that we do not make love anymore, but to be honest, I just can't anymore. I am not attracted to her. One issue that she constantly pushes, is oral sex. She will give it to me, but I have never done it to her. To be honest, I am grossed out by the thought of it. I am thinking of looking elsewhere.. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? She has put on close to 100 pounds in the 5 years that I have known her. Is it wrong to feel this way?
It's not wrong at all to think that. Just explain to your wife that she needs to go on a diet. Suggest calling Jenny Craig. She can help. Don't forget to talk to your wife about how you feel.

I have the same problem. When I married my wife she was a fine 100lb babe, now she close to 200lb! I'm sorry, but I married a 100lb lady, yes weight gain is expected, but 100lbs! I love the visual part of sex, but not when I have to look between the folds. I know I sound horrible, but that's the way I feel. I love her to death, but can't get over the pounds. And no, she won't do anything to change it, "if you love me, you won't ask me to change", OK, I won't ask her to change, but don't expect me to change. She knew how important it was for me to have a slim wife, I'm not into a heavy women, I won't be able to get it up!!

The key to weight loss is taking it slow. You can't go from BK to salads-only in a day- your body will be severely affected-try buying whole-grain bread, light mayo, stuff like that. And walk or something. I know that work and all make it hard to find the time, but really try hard to just get home half an hour earlier and walk around town. You can mae it romantic- walk around town holding hands, go into stores and look at stuff, but move!

Instead of: Get your of the couch and lose weight
Say: Hey, honey, let's go take a walk together.

My best opinion, is to wake up one day and say "Honey, we are not going on a diet...Oh no, we are going to have a life style change." (And this may sound crazy, but I really think it would have an impact) You just go to the fridge take the food out, COMPLETELY. Give it to nieghbors, friends and families... don't dump it, people are starving out there! But go to the local whole wheatery, Trader Joes, Whole foods, and purchase good healthy food, try to stay away from breads, pastas and rices, and if you must select only the WHOLE wheat products. Purchase jucies, no sodas---unless they are diet, cut out eating out entirely, and just tell her it's a life style change, not a diet--because you need it for your health. Also, my best lifestyle change is go Vegeterian, when I became vegeterian I dropped so much weight, and I was not even over weight... but the weight just came off. I know, becoming vegeterian is a bit sever for most people... but its just a thought.

Can't you appreciate her for WHO she is instead of what she looks like. If you wanted sexual satisfaction badly enough you would be able to make love, surely?

I'm sorry Jualsy, that not the point here. Like myself, I'm sure he appricate everything about her, but you have to understand that love making or sex, whatever you want to call it is a visual thing for most guys. I know we age and things do go south, but his wife isn't 80 years old. From what I understood, she was heavy, but got even larger as time went on. I sure he went into the marrige hoping she will lose weight, not gain it.

If you really love someone you'll be attracted. If not then I doubt your love is real. Sex isn't visual at all, sept for the people who are shallow and care about outer then inner self. I bet mosre time's then not, you can't see anything when your having sex anyway. It's not like your watching yourslef doing it. Lol.

I'm sorry, I rather see a pair of firm breast and tight butt than a set that's down to the stomach and a butt that the size of my yugo! Not visual? are you kidding me? I'm not shallow, I just don't want the person I'm making love to remind me of a linebacker or sumo wrester. Listen, I don't need the person to be perfect, but I expect you to take care of yourself and don't let yourself go like that.

Well I'm rather confussed. See this kind of makes me think. I'm not skinny. Fact is I got a tummy and an ars. I wish I was skinny. But my fiancé says he likes me fine because I still have a figure what ever the hellz that means. But it comes close to home when people are making fun of and or talking about fat people. Because I think I am.

There's a big difference between a "thick" women with curves and a fat women where you don't know where the curves start. I'm not against "big" girls, I'm against girls who refuse to take care of they bodies. I sure your husband thinks your great and love your curvy body. Good for you!

You married this girl . I thought vows consisted of in sickness and in health. You think your wife likes picking up you belly to get to your private region. I think not, but she would do it because she loved you. Stop being a jerk and think about the woman you fell in love with.

I married my husband 7 years ago I was about 115 lbs and not very healthy. Three year latter and one child I ballooned up to 186 lbs. my husband never criticized me and that helped me lose over a 1/3 my weight . I am 133 lbs. health and have a nicer shape than ever.

Support her and she will be there for you.

Whatever you desire for her, start to desire for yourself. You should want to feel good and look good for you. (As should she) Let her know that you think that she is important to you and you want her to be proud of you. Don't attack, criticize or tell her to lose weight. This will only make her feel worse. She will probably use food as a comfort and use it to feel protected from you. Maybe if you focus on the things you love about her and try to engage in more activities together, maybe you can fall in love again with the girl you married. She is still the same person and you need to help build her up. This isn't about what you want, but you should want to help her be more healthy and confident. Walking together and working out together could also bring you closer and turn you back on. Don't give up on her, this is a very fixable thing. Physical beauty is so temporary and it is only skin deep. You could meet the most beautiful woman, but her personality and demeanor could totally turn you off and she isn't so attractive. If you see past the things that bother you and focus on what you love, maybe you will find a way to be positive, helpful and a source of strength for her to help herself.

I'm sorry Jualsy, that not the point here. Like myself, I'm sure he appricate everything about her, but you have to understand that love making or sex, whatever you want to call it is a visual thing for most guys. I know we age and things do go south, but his wife isn't 80 years old. From what I understood, she was heavy, but got even larger as time went on. I sure he went into the marrige hoping she will lose weight, not gain it.


So the problem is with most of your kind of Men, is you're go into the marriage thinking that your other half is there to serve you, to please you, to watch what she eats whilst you sit on you big bum and eat what ever you like and have a cry when she's going down south...



I'm sorry, I rather see a pair of firm breast and tight butt than a set that's down to the stomach and a butt that the size of my yugo! Not visual? are you kidding me? I'm not shallow, I just don't want the person I'm making love to remind me of a linebacker or sumo wrester. Listen, I don't need the person to be perfect, but I expect you to take care of yourself and don't let yourself go like that.

Sorry but that's not love, that's "me me me I I I, give me this give me that".

You should broaden your horizons mentally, obviously you're visioning it!
Except, appreciate, consider her situation and how you can help her.
You should be worried about her health not how tight her BUM is or how hot she is in bed.

You know I have not read all of the tread, but will jump in with an opinion, which I of course have plenty of.

This poor women deserves a lot better husband than this bum. Period, it has only been a year, so first she could not have gained that much weight.
And to add if you really love someone, really looks is not where it is at. Since get a life and understand you and her will grow old, maybe lose your teeth, maybe loose a leg or a arm, or a foot, You may end up not being able to even have sex because of a medical issue, You may end up on O2, or stuck in a wheel chair where she will have to clean you.

Both of you may have hair turn grey, or fall out, you may like what happened to me, be thrown through a car windshield and have your face disfigured, maybe have 1000 stiches just in your forehead.

If you base any relastionship on looks, then all will fair, which is why of course the divorce rate is 50 percent or more.

So basically you either love them for being them, or you need to fix what is wrong with you, not her.

Amen... that sums up the facts

Okay, I think it is time for a physical. Is it possible that your wife may have a thyroid problem? Many times a thyroid problem will only manifest itself with weight gain (hypothyroidism) or weight loss (hyperthyroidism). Has she had her thyroid tested lately?

This is one thing that should be ruled out before beginning any diet or exercise program.

And AMEN to Chuck. My mother gained weight during my parent's marriage, my father stayed with her and loved her, now she is caring for him in his last days, keeping his tongue moist because his mouth stays open, changing his diapers because he is bed ridden.

That is love, not looks.

Amen j9

I'm sorry, but I love the hell out of my wife! She's a great wife and a devoted parent. I would give my life to save hers in a heartbeat. That's not the point here, I don't find her physically attractive, therefore I'm not getting turned on. Sorry

Well... personally myself being quite fat its not as easy as everybody thinks... yeah you need will power but you also need support... instead of just castin her aside think about her... she must be feeling very low not to make any effort... try talking to her about it instead of discussing it on the internet...

I hope she gets her problem solved, and gets a real man. Whether she attracts you or not, you should still show love, and get to the heart of the problem, with communication, and a professional (doctor) and get a direction to go in, for her mental and physical health. You're the man, so get busy and do whatever it takes. Who said marriage was easy, You've only been married a year, and at the first problem your ready to go else where?? Not good. Where's the love, and dedication.......................or the effort???

I consider myself to be an educated person (except when it comes to my spelling) I have an extensive science background and just so you know sex stems from the brain. If you love your wife The "FEELING" should still be there. From what you stated earlier you are a bit overweight yourself. Maybe you have a hormonal imbalance yourself. They make little blue pill to help you get it up. Why not get a prescription for them. This would also help your wife to feel better.

I, like you, have a wife who is very overweight. I'd say about 60 pounds. She is sensitive about it, and says she doesn't like it, but that's about where it ends. She does not seem willing to actually DO anything about it. She complains about our lack of sex, and I try to be sweet. However, her appearance is an incredible turn off for me, sexually. She was overweight when we met, then after an initial couple of dates I didn't ask her out again until after I could tell that she had lost some weight, about 8 months later. As soon as we got engaged she went in for a back surgery and since then her weight has all come back, then some. I do love her or I couldn't have stayed with her for 18 years now. But, there's just so much a guy can handle. Overweight wife is beginning to not be one of those things. I'll never leave her because she is a Godly woman with a tender caring heart, and she loves me, and I made a commitment to her. I am going to keep praying for her and about her for this issue. I have to say though, especially after reading Jualsy's response, that it seems like some women just don't seem to understand that for a guy, having sex is not just something that he decides to do and the body responds. Especially after you are in your fifties. When your wife is... well, ugly... there's not going to be any sex. It's gross and disgusting, even if you love her. And that makes the situation even less acceptable for the guy because he CANNOT speak his mind about the real issue for fear of hurting the one he loves. So Jualsy, I'm sure that he can and does appreciate his wife for WHO she is. You totally missed the point.

Perhaps you can get into some sort of support group or weight loss plan as a couple. Diets are a lot easier and more successful if you have some help and support. The first step is always the toughest.

There are a LOT of medical problems caused or aggravated by being severely overweight, perhaps that can be a source of motivation for both of you. Like was mentioned do this under a doctors supervision. If she has a thyroid condition it can be helped with medication. And there isn't a doctor out there that won't NOT preach the benefits of losing excess weight.

Whatever you do, do it as a couple.