Just a little poll...
When and why would divorce be OK with you? Easy way out or work through it? How much work is enough? I keep reading about so many people wanting to divorce. My parents were, my friends parents were. Isn't it high time we change the mood and set better examples for our kids? Is it OK to get a divorce because you aren't happy anymore? Should you work through it if you caught "them" cheating? Lying? What do you think? And please give honest, truthful answers I am really fascinated with why people think it is OK to get divorces at this high of a rate!

In cases where there is physcial abuse I do believe in the couple separation for the safey of the abused person

I agree! Thanks Fr_Chuck!

For me personally. Infidality and abuse are the two reasons that for me are acceptable reasons for getting a divorce.

Other then those two examples, I think everything else should be worked through.

Joe

Satrtover:

Spouse and or child abuse.

Infidelity, but that depends on the couple.

Addictions [drugs, alcohol, medications, gambling for example] with no attempt to get help.




Grace and Peace

I would agree with Fr_Chuck because some men don't start the abuse until after the marriage and that calls for a divorce. Some times I don't think people try to hard to make a marriage work or do not value the marriage valz and they think a divorce is the only way out, without seeking counceling, etc. Some people really do try hard for the kids sake and work through the differences and sometimes it just doesn't work that way because they have grown so apart in the marriage and don't love each other anymore.


I have seen people who actually stay married for the sake of the children but will not share the same bedroom because they don't love each other at all. This also hurts the children because they know that something is not right here and they since there parents are apart, so in all honesty I am not sure what the best decision is. It may be better in the long run to leave but it depends on the situation! If you still love your spouce, although he or she made a mistake and cheated and you have children I do think that you should try and work through it but it may be too hard to do!


Or if there are disagreements in the marriage, financial difficulties, etc I think that these CAN or SHOULD be worked through if you really love your spouse but some people don't try hard enough. Every married couple goes through this and some do get divorced over petty things and money issues! The number one reason couples get divorced is money related, number two is cheating! I do think a lot of times these can be worked through though if you really love your spouce and value your marriage! If there is no love though, I don't know how the relationship can work. There has to be love and if you fall out of love with someone for whatever reason I don't know it can work, even if children are involved. Sometimes things out of our control happen but you shouldn't stay in an unhealthy relationship if you don't love someone, but I believe if you know God that you probably won't be in that situation in the first place!

When and why a divorce is okay with me - any kind of abuse, addictions that go untreated (as in refusal to get help), and infidelity (although at times that can be worked through). I do not know if there is any easy way out. Divorce is painful, even if it is needed. But to get a divorce because one is "not happy" anymore does seem trite. We all have days where we are not happy but we work through them. Maybe if it were harder to get married - look at all the loops one has to go through in order to be granted a divorce. While not all cases are the same, mine for instance, the Judge ordered the year separation before he would grant a divorce and in that year my husband and I had to attend family counseling and separate counseling, show the areas we gained ground on and also the areas that remained unresolveable. I could not date anyone during the separation and while he could not either, he still managed to have his two gf's over. At that point, I was not interested in making things work anymore. Enough was enough.

Thanks shygrneyzs, I never thought of making it harder to get married. I always see people getting out of marriage so fast and not try to work it out and it really gets to me. Especially when there are kids. Thanks for the insight! Sorry you had to go through that.

I agree with the majority of you, physical abuse and infedelity are unacceptable and justif a divorce in most cases.

As for drug abuse, if this was happening BEFORE the marriage, then I will not agree with it because the circumstances were known to begin with. BUT... if it starts to happen after the marriage I believe the other person in the marriage should try everything in their power to help their spouse overcome this. That is what you promised when you made your vows... for better for worse... and to leave before you even try and help shows weakness. This also goes for finanical problems... I dojn't believe divorce is for those who are weak and want the easy way out.

Instead of for better, for worse, isn't it the truth that when you go through the WORSE it is for the BETTER? I notice that when my husband and I go through rough times, it is so rewarding to overcome them. We are both very proud of our relationship. I was 19 and he was 21, by the time I was 20 we had a baby and now I am 32 and we have four children. Not one of us have cheated, but we have been up and down, up and down. There is no one in this world I would rather be "down" with. We carry each other through whether it be his fault or mine! Thanks all of you.

Exactly startover, that is why you marry a person, because you trust him to be there for your bad times and you want to be there to help him through his bad times. Unfortunately, some people act selfishly and think getting a divorce is easier.

Personal abuse is a definite NO.
That would be a reason for me to approve of divorce.

All else is a matter of hard work.
Communication is key.

Marriage goes up and down.
It's life.

Rough times will make a relationship stronger when communication is good.

And a great sense of humour.
Please don't forget that having a good laugh together is equally as important.

I strongly believe that any two people can have a happy marriage if they both actively work at it.

Example: Bush and Pelosi could potentially have a fantastic marriage, despite their numerous differences, if they both actively work at the marriage and making life better for each other.
Divorce happens when on or more people gives up on working at it. An abusive husband has stopped working. He is relying on other methods to try and solve his problems. Someone that has cheated on their spouse has stopped working, and is relying on other ways to cope with life's problems. Now... many people start and stop working on their marriage at one point or another, but "giving up" is the key.

Yes, I think that people are giving up too easily in today's world. In today's high speed internet society, we are looking for solutions to our problems NOW, when ironically, a lot of problems can be solved through patience. Divorce may be the right answer for some marriages and the easy answer for others.

When I got married I always thought that I get through anything EXCEPT two things - cheating and beating.
I knew as sure as I am writing this now - that if he ever cheated I would leave. I truly believed the "once a cheater always a cheater"
Well, he cheated. I am still here and we are working it out. It hurt like hell, but I want to save my marriage. I have to be honest, it is still in the back of my mind that it could happen again. I almost didn't make it through emotionally and I think if it happened again - I would not survive.

I have sat across from an attorney and explained my life and where I wanted to go from that moment. It was tough - something I did not enter into lightly. As bad as I was hurt - I could not imagine my life with out my husband in it. I have loved him for so long - I don't know how not to.
So, when it came time to sign papers - I couldn't.

Now, the beating part - I don't think I could stay through that. I think I know I would leave. That is something that can't be worked out. My aunt was in an abusive marriage - that left her kids scared forever and she was permanetly deaf in one ear after one of many beatings. That is not a road I wish to travel in the name of "love".

Closing the book on one part of your life and writing a whole new story is a frightening thing. I am sure that anyone who goes through a divorce - always wonders if it is the right decision. I can't imagine though leaving because my life just wasn't "fun" anymore. If nothing else has been learned - I have learned that true happiness is a whole lot of work!

I think sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, and that leads to divorce. I once worked with a girl who got married two days after her 18th birthday to her 26 year old boyfriend so she could move out of her parents house. Guess what? It didn't last... My friend's mom once confessed that as she walked down the aisle, she knew she didn't really love the man she was about to marry. Of course, that begs the question why go through with it, but she did, and they later divorced. Someone else I know got married to her boyfriend so he could have health insurance. They didn't last either.

I think people get divorced because their needs aren't being met and it's easier than working things out, admitting your own faults, etc. In situations of abuse and infidelity, I think it is certainly called for, but when you have a partner who has totally given up and won't help you fix what is wrong, I think divorce is OK. For me, divorce is a last resort, I will work through anything that comes my way, and as long as my husband is willing to work with me, I'll give it a shot. But I don't see any reason two people should stay together when they are clearly miserable and unable to put the work into it. Some problems just aren't fixable (like one person wanting kids and the other doesn't). People seem to forget marriage is a lot of work, and sometimes it's not pretty. The media doesn't help this idea when you see articles about celebrities who have quickie weddings. I think it makes people think it's OK.

luvmymaltipoo, your comment about drug abuse made me think of something. What about when two young kids get married and are both doing drugs and one "grows out of it" but the other doesn't? Do you think they should stay married anyway?

Cheating and beating is unacceptable. Yet I think any obstacle life throws at us can be overcome with time and work, if they are both willing to try.

Jillianleab, I am going to comment on the drug this in my own opinion. If my spouse was still using and I was not, I would try everything to help him and give him an ultimatum. With reasonable terms, you know, time it has to happen, reasonable slip ups, giving up certain friends, I mean there are a lot of issues to conquer before you actually are sober, so I guess I would stay as long as he was willing to make it happen. If at a reasonable time ( a year maybe) a little sooner or a little longer maybe, I would take a long hard look at the situation and see if it grounds for a divorce. What do you think?

Thanks for your reply, startover. I think, as others have mentioned, that if a spouse has a drug problem and is unwilling to give it up, that's a reason for divorce. I agree with you that reasonable time has to be given, as well as love, encouragement and support. The reason I asked is because luvmymaltipoo seemed to indicate that if you know in advance the person is using drugs, then you should be stuck with it. I didn't know if this was her (his? I don't know!) intention, so I was curious. Perhaps though, she (he?) was implying that if you marry someone with a heroin addiction thinking you can "fix" them, divorcing them later because of their addiction isn't right. That's sort of a tricky situation to me, as drug abuse often leads to other problems (using finances for drugs instead of rent, for example), possibly abuse, unsafe living conditions, blah blah blah, but perhaps that's a little beyond the scope of this conversation! Certainly every situation is different, and we can introduce as many hypothetical situations as we want; it doesn't mean people will react the way we think they should in the real situation!

I would leave if he wouldn't get help. I don't think it would be right to stay in a situation like that!

On the other side, I don't think my misery should be put in front of my children. But that is only if it is not a dangerous situation. I think cheeting, abuse and drugs are definitely grounds for divorce. Many other people think their happiness matters most though. I have a hard time with that. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and we have to live with the consiquenses. Many people now a days do not like the idea of punishment or consequences and I think that is selfish! Sometimes I shut my mouth because I don't want the kids to hear what I have to say, it is just as easy to give your husband a smile in front of the kids even if you don't really want to. What do you guys think about that? I love giving smile to my husband but only because we are very firm on our family being together and if more people cared like that, I think there would be less divorce. And yes, I think it is normal to love your husband but still not like some things about him.

Oh, startover, there are days where I love my husband, but I just don't like him very much. Some days I want to shake him and tell him to get his head out of his a$$. But, I LOVE HIM. I have always loved him. I am sure there are times where he could and would say the same thing about me.
I do think sometimes we take out our frustrations more on the people that are closest to us. We say things to them that we would never say to the outside world. Why is that? Because they know our vulnerabilites? And that we know we have to put up a front for the outside?
I know when I am being a witch. I can feel it - I have to step back and say I am sorry.
Marriage is WORK! Not fairytale.
I truly believe the for better or WORSE part of my vows. My husband had a small drug and alcohol problem a few years back. He had the best home bar in town and was proud of it. He smoked pot and I learned he was doing other things. It came to a head one night after he had a bad trip while our daughter ran a 104.0 fever. So bad, I almost called an ambulance because I did not know what was going on. The next day, I threw out ever drop of alcohol and searched his "man space" and got rid of every bit of drugs in the place. I was so afraid while doing it - but it had to be done. That afternoon, my daughter was admitted into the hospital and stayed for 2 days. When that was done, we sat down and talked. I told him that there was no way I would put up with that kind of stuff. I told him that if I had called the squad that night and they found him like that - we could have lost our daughter because of his stupidity. He is now clean and much better for it. Doing something so drastic was the best thing I could do.

I have also had to do an intervention with a family member. Not a fun thing to do. But, he was so messed up with beer that he was letting everything go. Thank God his wife stood by him because now - 3 years later, he is a productive, loving father and husband.

When it comes to drugs and such - just telling someone to stop isn't always effective - sometimes you have to take action. Like hiring a mediator and planning where your loved one is going to spend time in rehab and planning an intervention at 6am with your entire family present and ready to talk this out. It's ugly - but it is doing what is necessary to HELP the people we care about.

I agree completely nowwhat, I really do. Some people though are just either too selfish or just not that strong. I find it harder one day and then easier the next. I just want all of the PEOPLE OF THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT THESE FEELINGS ARE NORMAL AND TRUE!! But no grounds for divorce! Do you think they heard me? I hope so. I vowed to love my husband and he did mee too! I plan to keep being that type of person! Thanks for the long spread, I have loved everyone's take on it.

I know, I got on a soap box for a minute! :)

Marriage vows should be something like this

Do you, wife, promise to love your husband when he farts and snores all night? And do you, husband, promise to love your wife even when she has hormonal shifts each month and seems irrational for no good reason?
Do you both promise to honor each other even when you both have gained 60 pounds and seemed to let yourself go?
Do you husband, promise to take out the garbage?
Do you wife, promise to have sex even when you aren't in the mood?


My list could go on and on and on.

Perfect, I am actually going to write this down on a piece of paper to show my husband that me being on the computer can be a good thing!! I said yes to all of those without even knowing it. That should definitely be stated at the beginning, it might stop a lot of people who aren't very serious about their vows! Thanks Nowwhat that is too funny but more important, it is TRUE!

I think it should be harder to get married.

I got married when I was 22. My husband and I had been together for about a year, and lived together with my parents for about six months. We had got together as a fling but I very unexpectedly fell pregnant so we decided to make a proper go of a relationship, but sadly our daughter was stillborn a few months before we tied the knot. We decided to try again but found it difficult to conceive, so my dr suggested doing something to take my mind off conceiving, so we decided to get married. I was sure I loved him, and our plan worked as 4 days after the wedding I found out we were pregnant. We bought a home together, both worked hard, but soon after our second daughter was born (very premature and poorly) my husband started an affair. I found out and confronted him and he attacked me. I moved into a women's aid shelter with our daughter, who was by this time 6 months old, and I was 3 months pregnant with our son. He begged me to come back, his girlfriend had dumped him, and I wanted our marriage to work so we got back together, and though he was still hitting me, I was so desperate not to be a single mother I stayed. Our son was born, and things were OK for a few weeks, but before long I was diagnosed with severe pnd and he was off with yet another girlfriend, and then another. Each time I would beg him back because I honestly loved him, I said I could forgive him as I meant our vows and though he was just reacting to the pressures of life we were under. When our son was a year old and our daughter was 2, he beat me so bad I had to call an end to it. He begged me back but I stood my ground and said no. That was 3 and a half years ago now, and I have been with a new partner for 2 and a half years and we are still blissfully happy, never even had a row. I am divorcing my husband (absoloute due in a fortnight!) and we couldn't be happier. My ex husband is now a friend of mine, as is his new partner, and our kids have a good relationship with their father. It wasn't an easy thing to do, we had a very long period of no contact, followed by lots of fighting, before we put our past behind us. This divorce isn't painful, it wasn't hard, what we lived through before was the painful and hard part. This is the easy part now.

When does divorce become OK? For me when a couple simply can't live together without one cheating, beating or lying or fighting to the extent that it causes harm to the children. When being together is worse than being apart. Some things can be worked through, but many simply cant. I think make marriage a harder thing to do, it took me just 3 weeks and less than £100 for the wedding to take place legally, and yet to divorce has taken me a year and a load more cash! Too many couples think marriage is the easy option, think it will make their relationship stronger, I think we should educate our kids to realise that marriage may be easy to do, but it isn't so easy to maintain. It is hard work. It doesn't always work but if you don't rush into it, it may just have a better chance!

Oh Squiffy, thanks for posting on this thread. It makes a big difference to me to see the "bigger" picture. Thanks and happy endings!

This may sound strange but even after all the good times and fun we've had, it's the hard times that keep us so close. Well I told you it would sound strange.

Not strange at all. Hard times make us stronger and it is easy to link yourself to someone when you go through those rough times together. It makes you proud of one another and happy to be able to help each other.

I live in a "no fault " state - you don't have to have a legitamite reason to divorce.

When my wife and I separated for what I did, we went to the same lawyer for the separation agreement. He had nothing to gain by us staying together and a lot to gain handling one side of a divorce, but he told us both to calm down, think about it longer, which is what we needed to make the huge effort on both our parts to stay together.

I commend everyone here who has stuck it out through good and bad times, that is real love and courage.



Grace and Peace

Okay I like this question. I am 20 years old. I have been married for 2. People told me when I announced my engagement that all I was going to do was raise the divorce percentage. Just for that I almost did not get married. My husband and I have had a very tough first 2 years. For 1 we lived with his brother for the 2nd we lived with my parents. Not a fun thing to do. 6 months into the marriage I found out I was pregnant. A blessing. It was very hard. We did not have insurance therefore I did not get into the doctor until I was 5 months along. It was very hard. We fought like crazy. But I love him to death and I know that he would never harm me or our son. Some people after having our first 2 years would have given up already. But if you read the bible. It says the only reason for divorce is adultry.
But then there is the case of abuse. Physical mental and emotional. My sister was married to a man who seemed perfect when they were dating. 3 weeks after they were married they got in an argument and through her so violently into the wall and threatened to break her nose. Then after their son was born he beat her up so badly that she finally divorced him. In cases like this I do not think that God would want people to stay in that kind of relationship. It is not safe.

So answer to your question... Abuse and adultry... those are about it for me.

I guess I am one of the selfish ones, because I think if there is no love or respect left in a marriage, it should be put out of it's misery. Sometimes people just grow apart, especially after years of marriage. Not because of adultery, or abuse, or drug use... just because the love is gone. Don't you think the kids pick-up on the misery... the fake smiles... resentment... lack of communication? Is that the idea of marriage we want to set for them? I agree it is not a decision that should be made without much consideration and soul-searching, but the fact is you get one life to live... be happy!

I personally feel that people divorce because they become less in love with their partner. A way to stop an affair before it happens or a way to ''get away'' from their partner. I feel these people are the one's who weren't blessed with TRUE, REAL and HONEST love. If they were it would have lasted. I feel these people ''thought'' that it was good, but didn't look deep enough to know there were issues. Ppl don't feel like fixing their differences and making a personal change if needed. It's easier to walk away and to give up. Frankly, those people NEVER loved their partner. How could they? In the good times and bad... and that fact that they gave up sums up my point.

Now some people are physically abused. This is a really BAD situation and I truly believe in this situation and ONLY this one should a divorce be needed. If you have tried to ''fix'' the issues, but it just doesn't work and all you got to show for it is a new knot on your head.. get out out that will you! Marry a person with respect and who will treat you right.

My point, I disagree with divorce. I'm engagded and been so for 3 years. I get mad at him, I get tired of him and sure sometimes I want to go away... but I know what I have is special. I make mistakes BUT I learn from them (most times lol) and we BOTH move on. Arguments happen, disagreements sure, but you always get through it and become stronger TOGETHER because of it. To the point that those things that USED to bug you don't anymore.

I think too many people ''think'' they have a love worth marrying for. Those end up badly. How do you know that what you have is REAL? I guess you get lucky, can just tell and know it is. But this is a question not so easily answered and actually the most intersting one to ask! Good luck to everyone and their relationships. Life IS NOT worth living without a special person to live it with. :-)