I've been married for 14 years and have not been happy for a great deal of it. I have two children, which is what has kept me in the marriage. I've always told myself that I'd stay for the kids, and leave when they are grown. My husband & I don't fight much so I didn't think the kids saw a whole lot of negativity. I've just discovered that my oldest child has noticed that things just aren't quite right. I just blew it off and didn't discuss it with her, but there is no telling what she is thinking. I'm wondering if it's time to call it quits. I've heard that sometimes staying together for the kids is not always a good thing, but I don't know how it could be all that bad either.

I can only relate to my own experience. I thot & did the same as you. I did not realize my son had picked up on all the "quiet dissention" & how unhappy it made him, until I inadvertently overheard him telling a friend. His words were something to the affect "Mom & Dad would be so much better seperated, I love them both equally, but they are not good friends, anymore and that's just nasty." (He was 9 at the time.) I reevaluated my situation and realized I wasn't doing the family any favours. My husband and I divorced... but NEVER, not once was there disparaging words about his father. His father and I are now friends & my son is physically & mentally happy & healthy. I do encourage you to NOT speak ill of each other, the only loser will be you.

What is the cause of this unhapiness? Do you know?

I agree with the other answers/users.

But do you know what the cause of your unhappiness is coming from?
Is it something that can be fixed?

Quitting is the easy way out. Why not some counseling. Why not fight to get over rough patches. Marriage is a lifetime, marriage is a commitement that is supposed to be forever. So why not put all your effort into trying to make it work. Do things to try to make it improve get some marriage counseling in. See if it can be saved, especially after 14 years. I am sure it can be.

Quitting is the easy way out. Why not some counseling. Why not fight to get over rough patches. Marriage is a lifetime, marriage is a commitement that is supposed to be forever. So why not put all your effort into trying to make it work. Do things to try to make it improve get some marriage counseling in. See if it can be saved, especially after 14 years. I am sure it can be.


Yes, very good answer!

There are many reasons for the unhappiness. We did counseling about 8 years ago. It wasn't very effective. I'm not sure that I care enough to even try anymore, so I guess some soul searching is in order. Thanks for all your input.

Eight years ago is a long time. Maybe it did not work because one or both of you were not willing to actually work on it. It is your choice on what to do but to me it sounds like you want an easy out. It sounds to me that maybe there is another reason behind this decision. Is there something your leaving out in your posts?

Joe

There are many reasons for the unhappiness. We did counseling about 8 years ago. It wasn't very effective. I'm not sure that I care enough to even try anymore, so I guess some soul searching is in order. Thanks for all your input.
You sound bad and for some reason you haven't told us anything we can help you with so some info could help. Help us understand what the problem is. Do you need a doctor or what?

I really don't think a person should be chastised for opting out. Only she knows, what her heart knows. To thine own self be true! There comes a point when you know you are exhausted from trying everything. I tried every service available. We never stop growing emotionally, and sometimes we grow apart! Sometimes there is no fix, so it is better to fix yourself and your environment. And sometimes when you take a breather, and look from the outside in, you can see what needs to be fixed, you mend it, or both mend it and it's better than new. No-one whom has been married 14 years has been taking marriage lightly... so I believe you are giving it your best shot. Make well, thought out decisions! God Bless You!

There is nothing that I'm leaving out that would really help you answer the question. I just wanted to know the thoughts of others... not for you to solve my problems. I've been uhappy so long because of various ex-wife issues, step-children issues, lack of communication (but we're working on that), and many other things, in addition to the fact that he's let himself go. The saddness and stress for me has gotten to the point that it is physically unhealthy, but I've stayed for the children. They are close to both of us, and it would not be easy. I do understand that it is a problem of our own making, and will only be fixed by both of us. Thank you pergammano for seeing that I am not taking this lightly and am not looking for an easy fix. I'm not trying to move on to another man, and I only have 1 friend outside my marriage so it's not like I want him to go so I can party and mess around. In fact, I'm sure it would be quite lonely. The bottom line still remains that I don't want the "quiet dissention", as pergammano put it, to have the same negative affect on my children.

Okay, I've thought about this some more, and realized that I wasn't real clear on the issues. Ex-wife issues: we don't really have them now since we've been married so long, but we started with ex-wife problems and it caused tremendous stress on our relationship for about the first 6 years of our marriage. Step-children: still have problems, but I won't go into them: essentially, she isn't welcome in my home and around my children and that is obviously a problem for my husband. Lack of communication: we are working on that, but the only thing we can find to discuss is who is picking up which child and taking the other to wherever they need to be. We have been more friends than lovers for quite some time. I really can't pinpoint every problem in our marriage. I think things have just built up over the years, and I feel like life is too short to live this way.

Hi Citygirl, If I may ask how many children you have and everyone's age including you and your husbands?


The fact that he's let himself go. The saddness and stress for me has gotten to the point that it is physically unhealthy, but I've stayed for the children. They are close to both of us, and it would not be easy. I do understand that it is a problem

I don't quite understand what you mean by let himself go.

Hi Citygirl, If I may ask how many children you have and everyones age including you and your husbands??

I don't quite understand what you mean by let himself go.

I'm 36, he's 46. Children 13 & 10.

He let himself go in appearance. Shallow as it is, he's about 40 lbs overweight and it's extremely unattractive.

Wow, so your more friends then anything. Well when you start a relationship that is the way it should start first. I have not really heard any issues except the letting himself go, which I would not be surprised if he said the same about you.

Do you work? Ft/pt If you do, do you like it? Do you do anything outside the home together that you enjoy? A lot of questions I know and if I'm overstepping, or getting to personal, nip me in the bud. Just trying to get facts. I feel as though your very reserved, correct me if I'm wrong.

Wow, so your more friends then anything. Well when you start a relationship that is the way it should start first. I have not really heard any issues except the letting himself go, which I would not be surprised if he said the same about you.

It started as friends and we are more friends now than anything, yes. On the issues, I don't know what you want me to say. There are not any specific issues. It's been several things over the past 14 years. In a sense, we've grown apart some. And, no he couldn't say the same thing about me. I take care of myself. I weigh 2 lbs more than I did before children, I make sure my hair looks nice, and my makeup is done.

Do you work? ft/pt If you do, do you like it?? Do you do anything outside the home together that you enjoy? A lot of questions I know and if I'm overstepping, or getting to personal, nip me in the bud. Just trying to get facts. I feel as though your very reserved, correct me if I'm wrong.

I work full time. Not my dream job, but it's tolerable. Stressful though. With the kid's activities, we don't have time to do anything by ourselves (which I know is part of the problem). I don't really think I'm being reserved, I just don't really know what I can say. I have been trying to talk to him more, but it's like we have separate lives. He does his thing, I do mine, and then we meet up with children someone in the middle. If I want to know something, I have to ask him a specific question. When I ask a question or make a comment, he reads way more into it than needed... thinking maybe I'm mad or don't like the answer... I'm not really sure. I pretty much tell him everything and it drives me crazy that I have to drag stuff out of him. What affects him, affects me, and I don't think it's too much to ask to keep me informed.

Sorry to burst your bubble but it sounds like a normal relationship.

I take it that means no family vacations. What do you guys do fot fun? I mean all work and no play..? No hobbies..?

I take it that means no family vacations. What do you guys do fot fun? I mean all work and no play...............???? No hobbies..................???

I'm sorry, I thought you meant on a regular basis. We do take vacations... try to take a week away from home every year. We are taking one next month for 5 days, so I'm hoping that will help. We take weekend trips every now and again... maybe 3 times a year... shopping, ballgames, whatever. It's the whole family, though, not just me and the husband.

Besides being caught up in the work/raising kids thing you sound just like what we used to do years ago. Except the wife and I had fun with other couples, who had kids the same age as us. You and your husband would be better friends, I think, with better communication skills, and honestly you sound so typical, to that I can't pinpoint why you would leave a 14 year relationship, so let me ask you this what are the top 5 changes you would make, to make YOU happy?

Besides being caught up in the work/raising kids thing you sound just like what we used to do years ago. Except the wife and I had fun with other couples, who had kids the same age as us. You and your husband would be better friends, I think, with better communication skills, and honestly you sound so typical, to that I can't pinpoint why you would leave a 14 year relationship, so let me ask you this what are the top 5 changes you would make, to make YOU happy?

What I would like to see happen is that 1)he'd lose weight, which would make him more attractive, thus making him more desirable 2)we need to start talking again 3)I want to actually like him again... I don't really like him most of the time. 4) I want to actually be able to tell him I love him and mean it. I haven't said it in years... and neither does he. 5) I'd like to be IN love again, but I think other things need to happen. 6)his child from previous marriage needs to move away to college somewhere and pay her own way 7) he needs to quit being so secretive 8)I want to have friends other than him... he's not stopping me by the way... our busy lifestyle seems to. I don't think he'd like it if I said I was going out with a girl friend, but it'd be nice to have one. 9)We need to spend more time together... maybe we should make time for a date night or something 10)We need to have common goals... because we don't talk much, I'm not sure that we do.

I guess I've been wanting to leave because I've just grown tired of dealing with it. Sometimes, the tension is so thick in our house, you could cut it with a knife. It's just a very sickening feeling to live with the stress for so long.

I am married for 48 years. We have had good and bad times togrether, That's life.There are times I would do anything my wife asks of me and when I was younger there were times I looked forward togetting away on business meetings. We have three married children and nine grandchildren. They are our dividends for being together for 48 years.
You become one person after all that time. We can have convbersation just by looking at each other. We don't consider ourseves an old, just mature seniors.

I guess I've been wanting to leave because I've just grown tired of dealing with it. Sometimes, the tension is so thick in our house, you could cut it with a knife. It's just a very sickening feeling to live with the stress for so long.
Tired is something that I understand. They only cure for that is rest and relax. I know your busy, but looking at your list I said wow I ask for 5 things and got 10. The first priority would be get some rest anyway you can and attack the list, and #1 prioritise it by importance to you, #2- recognise the items you can effect change in by yourself. Give this one some thought as you must be realistic in this appraisal. This is your list so remove those items from the others. #3- List those items from the remaining ones, those that you think your husband should do by himself. Again you MUST be realistic and honest as you know this man, so be fair. Remove #6 about the daughter for now. You should have 3 lists, yours that you can do, his that he can do, and the rest should be what you must do together. Take your time organising these lists, again I can't stress enough the need to be honest and realistic and fair. If you honestly don't think that you can do something on your list, then it goes in the list you both should do. You can see why being calm, and relaxed is the way to go in putting these list together so take your time, and give each item some thought. Back to the questions if you don't mind , about the relationship between you and your daughter and why you feel the way you do. And how old is she? I know seems as if your back in school taking a test doesn't it, so let me explain something, I've been in your place, maybe not exactly but tired and fedup, and looking for a way out. We feel that way when we have a lot going on and nothing is going our way. I do know tough times believe me. But through a lot of communications and hard work, my wife and I were willing to do, we survived and raised our kids and retired to play with the grand kids and enjoy life. We have 33 years and countng, It can be done, and we are happy now looking back, we didn't quite on each other, because the times were tough and the work we had to put in was hard. That's the key, willing to work, doing what it takes, and don't quite on each other. For now get your rest, and work on that list, as you will find it revealing to say the least, and please if you can let me know about your step daughter. I have a daughter and have raised a couple of neices too because of circumstances beyond their control, and can tell you stories and show you gray hairs to prove it. You can do this and be successful, so relax and hope to see your posts soon.

N/G