I have been with my boyfriend (will x now, still hard to get use to) for four years and he has always had an issue with commitment... not just with relationships but with anything involving permanence or planning. We have always worked through it and our relationship has always been very affectionate and caring. So here I was about a year ago, wanting to take our relationship to the next level and brought up the M word. He was extremely freaked out at first but slowly had warmed up to the idea (so I thought). We went to Hawaii a few weeks back and he proposed while we were over there. We came back and set a date and started planning... well he has always told me I have the "Monica Gene" because I am a planner... and it frustrates him. So I find out two days ago that ever since we have come back from Hawaii that he has been completely freaking out and all the stress feels like a tornado pushing him in a direction he doesn't want to go. I asked him if it was our relationship or the concept of marriage that bothered him and he said it was marriage, but that if he can't give me 100% of him than I deserve better. So needless to say he told me he just can't go through with it and called it off. I am going through a whirlwind of emotions right now... he said he is going to see a counselor, but I don't know if I should hold out hope that he can get over this fear of commitment issue he has or do I have no choice but to move on. My heart wants to stick it out in hopes that we can salvage our relationship... not only because I do love him but because we have so much in common, we get along and have the same goals and ambitions in life. But is my heart just holding on to something that there is no reconciliation?? I have been researching on my own commitment phobia - and boy does the description match him to a T and it says that with acknowledgement of their problem and seeking counseling that there is a chance they may get over it... but I just don't know what to do. Right now it has been two days since he broke it off and we have not spoken since... he has said he needs to be alone so that is what I am allowing him to do, even though it is killing me to be left in limbo with my emotions on my sleeve. Please HELP!!

P.S. It is taking every ounce of self control (that I tend to lack in these situations) to not call or write him.

Was this a break up or just a call off the wedding?

It sounds as if he loves you very much. The most important thing you should do right now is have tons of patience and let him be for awhile with is thoughts and emotions. If he said he's going to counseling, he's already on the road to trying to fix the lack of commitment. He would only be doing that for you, so that he can work it out within himself to be with YOU. So give him time (which is what kills) and be patient. It happens to a lot of guys, but he is better than most because he is willing to get help for it so he doesn't lose you. That's very good!

Well he ended the relationship, not just the engagement. That is a huge part of why I am so confused because I don't know if he broke up for clarity on his part or he is absolutely through with me.

I think he broke up for clarity. And since the relationship has been for 4 years, I highly doubt that he's throwing it all away. After 4 years it's never over that fast. People don't stop loving each other that fast. Again, it's all about time and patience.

He broke off the relationship - we are officially broken up. Which is a huge part of why I am so confused... I would think if he wanted to reconcile he would have sought counseling while remaining together... but he says he needs to be alone and he doesn't know why but it doesn't feel right. I am glad he is seeking counseling, but I just am so confused as to how he could jeopardize our relationship like this if he did actually want to reconcile later on. I don't know how I can trust him after this, and I don't know if he will even want to get back together... I don't think he knows at this point... and if he doesn't know, am I allowing myself to just get hurt more by holding on. I will try and be patient, but it is at the expense of my own vulernability and I am already so hurt, I just don't know what I'll do if we cannot work through this.

I have been married for 1 year, physically separated for 2 months. I am in the same situtation, but we are already married. It hurt soooo much in the beginning of the separation, and then a little time went on and I realized how much I love him and how much he loves me. So I've decided to be patient and wait so that my husband is not so confused. The best thing that I could do for him is give him time and space. Now, how much time, that depends on you. Some people can give a year, some people can give a week. You won't know until you feel it. So there is a trust issue, feeling like he bailed on you. And you don't know if he will want to get back together, but it is too soon to make the assumption. What I figured out with my husband, I feel so bad that he is confused about anything with our relationship. I am more than clear of what I want. But you have to see it from his perspective also, he is in a lot of pain too. As odd as it sounds, you guys need each other more than ever. Even as best friends. You just have to keep praying that he leans on you to get out of his confusion.

So in everyone's opinion... would it be a horrible mistake to contact him at all? I just am having a hard time not knowing what he is thinking or which way he is leaning right now. I would like to know, but not sure if contacting him is the best thing... how long is "normal," under these circumstances, for him to go without contacting me? I just hate feeling helpless and having no control as well as no knowledge of where he stands right now.

Unless he's made it very clear he doesn't want to have any contact with you, I would say it's fine to call him. Just understand that you may not get the answers or reassurance that you are looking for just yet. He's also searching for them. There is no normal though. Every relatinship is different, your timing in your relationship would not be my timing. To tell you the truth if it was anyone else, I would have said goodbye to my husband, tell him he's taking too long to figure things out. But you never know what you are capable of doing until you realize how much you love someone. Then the normal rules don't even apply. Call him, let him know that you are there for him. Just because he chose to break it off doesn't mean that you are not there for him and going through pain. He might need to really hear from you, and hear that you still love him even though he made this drastic decision. If he needs time to be alone, he'll tell you. Then you have to respect it.

Do not call under any circumstances. If he wants you back he will call. If he doesn't he won't call. Its been 4 years he will call at some stage that is for sure. AGive it two weeks. Let us know if he calls.

I agree with McKenzie: do not call nor contact him.
Not at all.

He broke off the relationship.
Because he knows that at some point the M word will come back again.
That's why he is seeking counseling which is a very wise thing to do so.
He is working on himself.

It's incredibly hard for you and I can only imagine how rough this must be at the moment. But you can always write here when things are getting too much... n

Just don't call him.
Don't write him.
Somebody with commitment issues will only pull away even faster.
He needs time and space.

I wish you all the patience that you will need in this case.

Good luck !

I am just really having a hard time with this - my stomach is in knots, I almost like I am in a constant state of a panic attack. I know that it is the majority saying don't contact himm, but why do I feel so compelled to tell him how I am feeling and want to know how he is feeling.

OF COURSE you are feeling like that...
It's not even a necessary question dear helpnow... you are sick to the stomach of this situation.

Having said that... you have to wait and be patient for a while.
This is going to take time.
And who knows if it will turn out well...
He may come back or he may not.
You just don't know.

But in the meantime... don't contact him.
Seek distraction, go to the gym, do anything that will force you to focus on something else... and it's hard, I totally understand it.

But please be strong...


All my best,

I am trying, but I don't know how long I can hold out... :S

Keep this in mind: by contacting him you will likely push him away.
The man has COMMITMENT FEAR...

So... if you want any chance to let him deal with his issue... give him time and space.

If you want him to run away even further and harder away from you... contact him.


Tell yourself that every time you are tempted to pick up the phone or write a letter or send an email...


I feel so sorry for you, but it's not going to be easy!


All the best and take good care,

This is his problem not yours so let him deal with it. If he hasn't contacted you in a week or two, then call. For now be patient.

Well he emailed me and this is what he said...

I am going to see a couselor near Alderwood mall that deals only with couples/relationships on Monday. I want to see if what I'm feeling is normal or a warning sign. Since they have seen every type of relationship out there I feel that going there will give me a much broader perspective than what I currently have now. I feel like was flying blind and was overwhelmed because of it, getting clarity on my feelings will help me make a better decision of what I want to do moving forward. Getting counseling for the both of us I think is good, even couples counseling might be an option, I think getting through some of the issues will be good for the both of us. As of now, I'd say I'm taking a break from the relationship only to get clarity and nothing else. I'm not taking a break to party and go crazy, just to gain perspective on the feelings that I'm going through right now. I haven't told anyone about this other than my immediate family and don't plan on telling anyone either. This is something that I feel I need to do before I make any decisions that will affect the rest of my life.

Sounds like he is trying to deal with his issues. I hope he is successful. The issue becomes, how you feel given these events.

I got a call from my x fiance's mom yesterday and it was nice to hear from her. She doesn't really know or completely understand what he is going through so couldn't really give me any clarity but just wanted to let me know she was there for me. I also went to see a therapist on Saturday and that I think will be good to have an unbiased outside opinion on the situation.

I am just having a lot of difficulty because one minute I am crying and desperately want him to call and the next I am so pissed off that I wonder why I even hold out hope. He hasn't given me any inclination as to where his emotions are now or which way he is leaning. All our communication up to this point has been short emails where both of us left emotion out of it. I am wondering if it is time for me to call him - if so what should I say?

Give him space to deal with his demons. And deal with your feelings, through your therapist.

He emailed you, which is great. Let him keep updating you. Don't beg or smother him. He needs to be alone. If he wants you, he knows you are waiting. Just hold on and be patient for him.

Yes let him work on his issues, for this he will need to be alone,
I think its fantastic he is getting help and trying to understand himself.

As hard as it is I would keep this to yourself as you do not want anyone gossiping about your business.Perhaps find one good friend you an confide and trust.

Now you need to focus on you . Keep strong and do not become a miserable wreck or that may reinforce in him his fear of marriage.

First up sorry to see your situation that is really tough.
I'll take another point of view on this though to perhaps consider.
OK he's broken it off with you... now what... well.. maybe this is a blessing in disguise, you get to be single and live the single life and not have any headaches/arguments/problems with a guy in your life, maybe go out and try to enjoy yourself, meet more guys, get to know them as friends nothing more for a few months, build up a new social circle and try to enjoy your life you only get one you know, why spend it pining over someone who has just completely betrayed you?

Anyway that's my raving looney perspective for you :P

He has not betrayed her, he is trying to work through his fear and is getting help.

Lets all be a little honest and stop trying to bring this poor woman's hope up. It's pretty much over and it should be dealt with that way so that it can be easier on her. Prepare for the worst! Low expectations bring happy endings!

He has not betrayed her, he is trying to work through his fear and is getting help.

I disagree, if he'd wanted to not betray her he'd have not broken up with her suddenly and with no rational reason, he'd have sought help FIRST rather than being selfish and potentially breaking her heart. I know that fear can cause irrational actions but jeez you've been with someone for four years, I think by then you'd surely have developed enough communication between you and your partner to clearly be able to talk first then act.. for all you know his REAL reason for splitting might be another woman Rol, who knows really hey?

Well I have asked him this question - why not get help before he even asked me to marry him or why not sit down with me and have an adult conversation about his fear and seek... he said that he felt OK with everything prior to coming back from our Hawaii trip and it was the instant planning that felt just rushed and so he didn't feel this intense anxiety about getting married until post engagement. His counselor suggested he start writing down his emotions - some for him to have to himself and others specifically for me to read and he said he was going to start on that today... he has his second appt with his counselor tomorrow and said he would call me and let me know how it went. Ultimately I do feel betrayed, but a part of me is grateful that he did it now rather than a week before the wedding or even worse, married and than not happy. So I hope regardless of if we stay together that counseling will help both of us... I just logically can't understand why he would want to break up after our history and the fact that we haven't had a bad relationship. I personally think that it is the "forever" factor and he thinks there will be this bait and switch and once married all the good parts of a relationship will slowly fade and be left with a monotonous unhappy life together... why he thinks this I have no idea. I personally think marriage is what you make it, and if he wants a happy marriage well he needs to fix himself before we can even consider that as an option. I am hoping after a few months of individual counseling we can do a couples counseling thing... but that will depend on his progress emotionally - I am not going to make myself vulnerable again unless I feel his getting back together is 100% committed and sincere.

Exactly... Just let him call you. When he does, don't bombard him with questions... Let him speak mostly and tell him you understand and just be supportive... After all, you do want to be his wife, right? Be strong. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

A hard part is hearing people's criticisms, like a good friend of mine at work, my family... they all think it isn't worth the effort and just move on. I find it very hard to emotionally stay invested when I am not getting any reassurance from his end that he wants to get back together and I have my family telling me move on I don't deserve this. Why am I the only one that thinks that what we have, four years invested, is of course worth waiting - yes he was and is acting like an and went about things wrong, and yes I don't deserve this... but at the end of the day I still love him and want to work things out... why is that so hard for people to understand. I feel like if we do decide to work things out and get back together that I have to justify my decision to my family, his decision to break off the engagement and the relationship not only ruined my trust with him but also the trust my parents had with him. It is a complicated mess now and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. :(

This guy is suffering from a flaw he is trying to correct and no matter what anyone says or feels you must acknowledge his efforts. Hurt as you are what would you do if you were married to him and he had issues to deal with? Think very hard before you abandon him, as then his fears would be realized, and you would have proven him correct. Maybe life is letting you both know that neither of you is ready for the kind of commitment it takes to sustain a marriage, and maybe you should get your issues dealt with first. If you can't support him now, I really doubt you will support him after the I DO's are said. So stop blaming him for messing something up that may not have been there on your part either. Your friends and family can go to hell as this is your decision, to practice what you've been preaching here and doing the right thing by you both.

You have got to be kidding me... I feel that I have been MORE than supportive considering the hell he has put me through this past week. The fact that I am even willing to wait around and be patient while he works on himself, while not even giving me any reassurance he even wants to get back together, is proof in and of itself. His actions have broken a trust and that doesn't mean I am contemplating me not wanting to work it out, because I do want to work it out and that has never changed. My point was that after going through this kind of turmoil to even think about getting back together it requires a little give and take and I am feeling like I am not getting any reassurance from him. You are working under the assumption he is going to go to counseling and see the error of his ways... my worst fear is that I am sitting over here holding out hope and he comes to me and tells me it really is over. I think I have reason to have my reservations on whether to trust him right now. I haven't said or even mentioned abandoning him... HE ABANDONED ME!! And yet here I am STILL... HOPING AND WAITING HE WILL GET HELP AND COME TO HIS SENSES. I can only give so much before I need some emotional something in return that tells me he wants to work through this to get back together... of course not getting that instills anger and distrust from me.

Sorry about your situation. My answer is a bit different that most though. Here are my honest thoughts. It sounds like your guy is scared of commitment, and possibly got in over his head. Down time could go one of 2 ways: 1. He realizes that he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him, aka, you, and he will call and get on with things or 2. He really does not want to get married and maybe that pushed him over the edge. After the balls were rolling, he felt like he could not go back to dating because of the wedding planning. In this case, he will move on.
Ask yourself though, if he is this shady about things now, it will probably only get worse if you did marry the guy. What if you got pregnant? Its hard to undo a pregnancy and the birth of a child. Seriously, I think if you guys were talking about marriage a few weeks ago and he has already bailed, he probably will not be a life long partner that you can depend on to not run away. I know this is blunt, but it is truly the way that I feel about this.
Too many people view marriage as like a temporary condition, or as trivial as where to go out to eat. Girls marry these losers with the expectation that they are real men. Men can be boys, but boys cannot be men! Good Luck!

Well he has said that ideally he wants counseling to go well and down the line get couples couneling to possibly get back together...

That was really perfectly said Tal.

After being in a similar situation last year I can only say how unready I was for marriage also.

For now let him go work on his issues , you go and work on yours also.

I would suggest you agree on a break of 6 months to see if you are both really ready for this type of commitment, that way he is not going to feel stressed to come to a decision before he is really ready.

Again, please keep family and friends out of it, its your private life. They will give him more stress that he does not need right now.

Ive read up on your posts an I know how you feel I waS in similar situation for 3 1/2 years and my ex was unsure after all that time.

Well you have to give space but like me you ill be feeling betrayeD HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO YOU. You are probably thinking he has ruined a great relationship just like me !m Well he has and the reaon he has is because his selfish and only thinking about himself... Honestly if he had your feelings at heart he would not be doing this!


Now here it is! ITS SIMPLE IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU THAT MUCH HE WOULD NOT BE DOING WHAT HE IS DOING NOW. I Don't CARE IF HE SAYS I NEED Counseling, IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU THAT MUCH HE WOULD NOT BE TAKING THE RISK WHICH HE IS TAKING NOW!! TELLING YOU HE NEEDS A BREAK TO SEE WHAT HE WANTS IN LIFE IS NOT GOOD BECAUSE IT MEANS HE IS THINKING MAYBE ITS NOT YOU WHEN HE SHOULD BE THINKING I NEED HER AND IF HE DID THINK THAT HE Wouldn't BE DOING THIS HED BE TO SCARED OF LOSING YOU.

I KNOPW YOU WANT THIS GUY AND WHY Wouldn't YOU HE IS Probably A GREAT GUYT AND 4 YEARS OF PLEASURE AND FUN TOGETHER.

BUt his stuffed it yourve got to stand up for yourself here, what you are doing is sAying what most people would say well he does need counseling and I hope he feels better and then we can be together.

WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

Its time for you to stand up and say hell if you don't know what you want after 4 years and need a counselor your losing me!! That's what needs to be said here, if he completley loves you and realises he is going to lose you he won't need no bloody counselor!!

He needs to be shown that you don't and won't stand for this anyone who need to see someone to know if they Want someone else does not really want that person.

IF YOU WANT HIM YOU MUST WAKE HIM UP HE Doesn't NEED A Counselor WHAT HE DOES NEED IS ONE HELL OF A FRIGHT AND THAT WILL ONLY HAPPEN IF YOU TELL HIM YOURVE HAD ENOUGH AND YOUR DOING YOUR OWN THING NOW!! HE WILL KICK STRAIGHT INTO LINE HE Doesn't WANT TO LOSE YOU AND IF HE DOESHE DOESNTLOVE YOU.. dO THIS RIGHT NOW HAVE SOME PRIDE AND Don't LET HIM WALK ON YOU CAUSE I GUARANTEE IF YOU Don't DO THIS HE WILL BE GONE EVEN AFTER YOU GET MARRIED!!

DO IT NOW WAKE THIS JERK UP GIVE HIM A DOSE OF WHAT HE DESERVES!! HE Doesn't KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSEYOU YET BECAUSE HES BELIEVING You're THERE AND YOU ARE TELL HIM YOUR VE HAD ENOUGH Don't BE SCARED DO IT NOW RING HIM UP. Don't GET UPSET IF YOU THINK HE WILL JUST SAY OK That's FINE THINK ABOUT IT IF HE Doesn't COMETO YOU THEN HE Doesn't WANT YOU. TELL HIM YOUR THROUGH DO IT NOW THEN Don't FOLD Don't Don't SPEAK FOR A WEEK YOUR BETTERTHN ALL THIS CRAP HE WILL KICK INTO GEAR WHEN HE REAISES YOUR OFF... DO IT NOW

Don't JUST TELL HIM WELLIM GUNA LEAVETHAT WONTWORK HE HAS TO BELIEVE HISLOST YOU.HE WILL Probably SAY WELL IM GETTING Counseling AND TRYING, WELL Don't FALL FOR THAT JUST SAY OH That's FINE YOU STICK WITH THE COUNCELLIG I THINK THAT WILL HELP YOU AND MAYBE IF IM STILL AVAILABLE WHEN YOUR READY WE CA SEE WHAT HAPPENS, THEN TELL IM FORNOW YOUR GOING TO GO OUT AND ENJOY THE BREAK AND SEE WHAT LIFE HOLDS FOR YOU... That's IT SIMPLE SAY IT NOW... HE WILL FIRE UP THEMAKESURE YOU HANG UP AND THEN Don't ANSWER AND IF YOU HAVE TO JUST TELL HIM WHEN HE RINGSLISTEN YOU Haven't HAD ENOUGH OF A BREAK AND TELL HIM HE NEEDS MORE TIME AND THEN SAY IVE Got to GO AND HANG UP. HE HASTO LEARN You're the PRIZE... M

THIS IS NOT AGAME IF ANYONE SAYS THAT ITS CRAP ITS JUST HAVING SOME RESPECT AND STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF SHOW HIM YOU ARE WORTH GETTING HE WILL BE DYING O-ING YOUR GONE ANDALL HE WILL THINK About ISWHATA GREAT CATCH SOMEONE WILL SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET IM LOSING MY CHANCE IVE Got to GET HER BACK!!

Sorry but I totally disagree with all the above

"DO IT NOW WAKE THIS JERK UP GIVE HIM A DOSE OF WHAT HE DESERVES!!! HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSEYOU YET BECAUSE HES BELIEVING YOURE THERE AND YOU ARE TELL "

If she does this and he comes back before he is ready the underlying issue will still be there and history will repeat itself.
She needs to give him the space he needs to deal with his issues and they both need to decide if they are really ready for marriage commitment.

Soory rol I disagree he doesntneed a counselor. If he really loved her he would not do this. He is a guy cmon I don't think you understand you are not thinking right you are speaking from the perspective of a woman. Give him space let him breath. Guys don't need space to miss you that's a girls thing. Guys need to be shown that there girl is going to be getting bent over by another bloke that brings real love to a guy feeling that his girl is going to be taken by another gut. Don't say that's childishstuff its not!!

Guys love girls when they are losing them girls love guys when missingthem!!
!!

OK SO LETS TRY UR SCENARIO:She gives him a wake up call , what happens then? He comes back tomorrow and in 1 month he will decide again he is still afraid of marriage!
Do you think she should keep trying this strategy you are talking about all through her married life??

Lets get real here.

She can show him she is strong and tell him that they need to separate for 6 months so they can decide if they are both really ready for marriage. During that time they both will feel a real absence and know if they are ready or not for marriage commitment.

Yes I was not talking about taking him back straight away maybe give him a couple of weeks and then let him back

I like the point you make Rol, as this glitch will define there relationship. How they work through this problem will either make them stronger, or show them where the work needs to be done, and see who's willing to work together. He must have time and space to get through his issues, and she must work on her feelings, so they can slowly build that communication between them. It's the same thing for you Mac as as much as you duck your own issues, it has left you stuck and bitter, because you have to deal with the root issue of the problem, to even see what it is to be worked on. Even after the wedding debacle, I think they both are seeing the need to know what they want, and do what it takes to get it, and I think it was a good thing that these facts are out in the open where actions can be taken. For sure they will talk together, and define what they both want and work for it, or go there separate ways, and that's the whole point. Its so easy to go with the flow, until that flow gets interupted by a rock in the stream, and the course has to be changed, that's life, and talking about the next step or what the course of action will be, is important in building a life together. Neither can make a real decision until his counseling is over, and her emotions have settled, as if their was honest communications in the first place this relationship would not be floundering. If he had addressed his fears, she would not have moved forward in the first place, so now here we are, trying to work through a big emotional limbo.

I have been with my boyfriend (will x now, still hard to get use to) for four years and he has always had an issue with commitment... not just with relationships but with anything involving permanence or planning. We have always worked through it and our relationship has always been very affectionate and caring.
As we see this is not a new problem, or something that just popped up, its been there all along, but hasn't been dealt with, so it never has been resolved. Now that it has caused so much emotional stress, You know what needs to be done and do it. If your both willing.

<<
If he had addressed his fears, she would not have moved forward in the first place, so now here we are, trying to work through a big emotional limbo.>>

Yeah been there and done that and it is not a pretty place to be.

Helpnow : I seriously think you need to take time apart for 6 months . Right now if you stay in this emotional mess things will not improve. I was like you last year (I got a similar speech 4 months before the wedding)and we tried to see each other for the 5 months that followed , this led to intimacy and even more confusion until he decided to be alone. Thankfully at that point I found this website or I would still be in the emotional limboland.

Go and rebuild both your lives independently for 4-6 months. Get an independent life you enjoy without him, and you will be prepared for the situation in which he may decide he does not want marriage or in which case you might decide you may not want it.

My ex and me are still in contact. Time has been good, time really heals, we have not seen each other since October but we will meet soon, He has brought this up twice but he seems to still not be ready and I was not ready either. I feel something is still there, I have very good intuition about things.
Now I'm a lot stronger and happier, a year on and I've built a great life and having good success at work so regardless of what happens I am fine and if my future is not with him there will be someone else.

Well I have asked him this question - why not get help before he even asked me to marry him or why not sit down with me and have an adult conversation about his fear and seek... he said that he felt OK with everything prior to coming back from our Hawaii trip and it was the instant planning that felt just rushed and so he didn't feel this intense anxiety about getting married until post engagement.
When he proposed was the time to talk, but you both got carried away in the excitement, and away you go. You knew his problems with commitment and never questioned his willingness to get married, so you both let each other down and instead of blaming one or the other, see that it took two mistakes not just his. Sorry not trying to be harsh, but we do have to be fair. Communicating before taking action is important to be on the same page.

Well he told me in an email he would call today and I think that I need to take this opportunity to cut the strings for now. I have been going through emotional hell and just can't take it anymore. I need to sustain my own sanity away from him because if this all doesn't end up working out, which I have a feeling it won't... I need to be strong enough to move forward on my own. His most recent email said that he feels marriage is static and feels like it is holding him back... to me that statement reads no hope. Then he ended the email with how he really thinks we should do couples counseling to figure out how to move forward... after his comments I don't even see the point in couples counseling. I am going to tell him this today, that we should both continue individual counseling just to be healthier people but that at this moment in time I need to move on. Whatever happens in the future will happen and only time will tell. But I can't just sit around pining for someone that isn't pining for me.

His most recent email said that he feels marriage is static and feels like it is holding him back... to me that statement reads no hope

That's true. It could also be the stress he is feeling right now to make a decision.

Be strong and tell him , you understand how he feels and think for now that's its best to take 3 months apart to reaccess the whole relationship.

The answer lays within you already I think helpnow, I mean as far as your last post reads to me what you have said there helpnow is that you know you deserve more than to be in a relationship with someone that isn't willing to progress into building a life with you, or deserve more than to simply wait around in case things change, which I think is pretty clear from what you've said, I'm truly sorry to hear things panned out the way they did for you this far, but I feel if you continue to know that you deserve something different it will enter your life and you will find some peace of mind in a future relationship..

The only thing I would ask you to do is, say six months or a year from now down the track if he does come crawling back asking you out again, remember the pain you now feel and say no

he feels marriage is static and feels like it is holding him back
Wonder what in his life past or present, could lead him to that conclusion? How old are you guys anyway?

26

I think after 4 years the communication should have been much further along, and you both would be on the same page, and not just caught up in the emotional moment. I still think there is too much left unsaid and undone, and a break might give you more perspective, and let the dust settle on the feelings. You both need time.

helpnow your doing the right thing tell him your moving on either way this is best for you. Like i said he needs to realise your no longer waiting and really why should you be waiting on someone else < putting your life and your future in his hand< its your future you make ythe decisioms and telling him your gone that will leave him on his own and he won't like that> at the moment he knows he still has you that's why he brings up couples counseling.

Hell you know what you want so why the hell do you need counseling. You don not need it!! So tell him. I believe you are trying to say maybe you both need counseling so it looks like you are both working towards something. You need tyo step back and notice you don't need it why do you need it you know exactly what you want. Let him know your moving on he can stick to his counseling and lose you.! simple

So today I luckily had prepared to end the agony of waiting and cut the strings, and good thing because he called and if I hadn't mentally prepared myself I would probably be falling apart right now because he kind of beat me to the punch and wants to completely break it off. He is going to continue with counseling to work on himself and I am going my own way. Only time will tell I suppose. Still have hope in my heart that some day we will work through it, but now is most definetely not that time.

I think he has someone else sorry about the bad news. Don't worry he may not but what you MUST do now is if you have any of his stuff or whatever give everything back pack away anything you have of his give it to him. DO IT NOW> Don't hold onto anything in hope show him you are going yes GONE> If he doesn't want you and said this he does not get any contact with you at all NONE. He does not get to be part of your life NOW... GONE
THIS IS THE ONLY ONLY YES ONLY WAY FOR YOU!!

Its very hard though very very hard to do this. But either way if you hang around someone who said they don't want you the Won't WILL NOT CHANGE THERE MIND

Aye it really does sound like he's already hooking up with someone else bigtime
In all seriousness spend some time alone learn to love living YOUR OWN life for about six months then maybe rejoin the single and looking category..
OK so now it seems like hell probably but... in a year or two from now you will be actually GLAD you got this guy out of your life.. now the trick is to keep him out of your life..

Good luck!!

I would not agree that there is someone else. My ex told me almost the same lines and there was no one else. He also thought that marriage is static and could hold him back as he is very proactive.

That's good you were mentally prepared helpnow and it is probably the best for you now.

Take care.

How the hell can marriage be called static? Jeez.. what's up with guys these days..
And you know what, screw being sad about it, seriously ladies (Rol and Helpnow (or guys whatever the case may be don't be offended.. I literally have no way of knowing this is the net! )) without further digression... congratulations on your freedom and being able to live a life without being controlled domineered or otherwise negatively influenced.

<<jeez.. what's up with guys these days.. >>

One thing I have learned, these days a guy really needs to have thought a lot and carefully
About what he is proposing when he proposes.

There is too much freedom about these days and it is hard for a guy to think of "forever"

Im not sure if this was always the case or if it just applies to guys who are proactive and career minded.

I have been talking to some other male friends of mine who recently got married/engaged, they also told me that they did not really think of what marriage meant until they proposed and then it made them quite anxious.

<<congratulations on your freedom and being able to live a life without being controlled domineered or otherwise negatively influenced.>

Thanks, but I for one have never been controlled , domineered or negatively influenced..

I had been through a same situtation .I would say it is always good for you that happens on its own.if he left you n went away it is good rather best ,if he doesnot care for u , y should u.u will someday find a better one to marry.just wait and watch.I had been in this relation for 6 years and he left me this way.

My advice would be a change of scenery... If you can take the time off, do so... Go somewhere you have not been before, or to a friends hopefully in a different country... It will be very helpful. Do not prepare yourself to anything... Just be... You will feel awful, stressed, unhappy at times, and go through an emotional roller coaster... And that's OK...
This is the time to do something brand new in your life... Start with a new brand of sporting activity... Sweat it all off...

And please do not start thinking all the why's he broke it off... I believe that a commitment phobia is serious and he needs to sort that out on his own time... Nothing is certain. You don't know if there is someone else or not... I believe there is not, there are cases where men break it off and immediately start seeing someone else, just so they won't think about your relationship... I have been in your situation 6 months ago... He started seeing someone else after 4 weeks!! And that lasted for 3 months...

There is always hope, but in order to be and sound rational, you need to focus on you... And I would not advise you to go, and create dramatic scenes... You will have all sorts of feelings :denial, anger... So if you want him back, don't act so soon on stuff.. Just take like a month without contact... Let him wonder what is up with you and contact you...

It would be hard to move on just because people tell you to move on...
It would be ideal... but it's not happening, it is feelings we are all talking about... No point in telling people how they should feel...
But one thing you can do is to add a plus in your personal life... Learn something new... and feel whatever it is you are going to feel... No advice, no words can change how you are going to feel...
Should you guys contact after a while you will have to tell him and show him how freedom he has given you turned into something positive for you :))))

Let him be helpnow... whether there is someone else or not, let him be... Do not call or write to him... Keep him out - he will be in your thoughts and keep him there... but keeping it to yourself WILL make him wonder... (by keeping it to yourself I mean you keep your thought and feeling away from him, otherwise don't keep them bottled up)

Counselling is always a great help... Go to a counsellor...

When you asked for help, did you mean help you in the sense that you want him back and looking for advise to get him back, or ask for help in order to move on quickly? I believe you want him back, so at the moment keep calm and don't do anything dramatic...

Thanks for the guidance, I am still completely devistated by all this and still hope it will work out which is the crazy thing... fear of the uknown

Any Calls From Him??

Its normal you are feeling devastated helpnow, I can only think back to when I was in your shoes 1 year ago.

Try and eat and relax right now, you will have no energy to do anything for some weeks.

Yes he called last night and it is officially over. I told him he should continue with counseling though to work through his issues. I still hope that maybe some day we can work it out, but yeah he is definetely not anywhere near being ready

How are you? How are you feeeling? Any updates?

No updates - haven't heard from him. Hoping to hear from him sometime in the next month but probably wishful thinking. I am trying sooo hard to just keep my mind off it and tell myself that I shouldn't even bother holding out hope because he obviously isn't pining over me - Is it a bad thing to continue to have hope that maybe one day he will get his sh*t together? I even told him this on our last conversation - that we obviously can't be together now because we are at different stages and he doesn't know what he wants, but I also told him I hold out hope that in the future we can work things out because I do have so much in common with him and enjoy being around him. He said that he didn't want to build false hope but felt the same way...

helpnow, for now try and work on your issues and get back to a good emotional state before being in contact with him again.
Right now is not a good time for either of you to be in contact, it will confuse you even more. Right now believe it or not he is really doing the best thing possible for you both.
Take a good 3 months of no contact and things will become clearer with time.

Come here and vent it sure helps!

<,tell myself that I shouldn't even bother holding out hope because he obviously isn't pining over me >>

Men deal with things differently.
They shut down their emotions and focus on other things,
Right now he's distracting himself with other things.

Do you think you can take sometime off from your usual surroundings? Go to a different country, with a friend or relative where you can have an access to a shouldeer to cry on too? If yes, take that chance and leave - leave all behind. It will make you feel better and stronger... That's what you need : to be strong! Confident! And positive. I am not going to tell you to move on - I know it is hard - been there. Ever since my guy left for same reasons... Guess what? Things will get better in time. No he is still not back, but no one can tell me to stop hoping, in fact no one can tell me how to feel. A heart wants what a heart wants. BUT it is important that you keep yourself healthy. I don't know how your appetite is, but please try and eat if you can't. My grandma told me just last night that "I did not eat well, therefore no bloodflow to my brain, and thats why I acted stupid" I loved the comment :) So always always take good care of yourself. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. We'll see it in good time. Nothing wrong with hoping. You are only hoping for something or someone that makes you feel good.So I say keep hoping... Hope for the best for you :) If you feel restless and have panic attacks too, that's OK too... It is very very normal. And please do not talk to him anymore... I went away for 10 days afetr 1 month of breaking up, and nthing could have made me feel better. I did not have a "great" time obviously but when I got back, I was stronger. And you need to be strong too...

Well unfortunately for me I used up all my vacation and sick time in Hawaii - yes sick too, had a kidney infection while over there and ended up in ER... so I don't have any time to go away for a little bit nor any extra money. I am living with my parents now and they are always there to talk, however I almost regret ever talking to them about it because I feel like I just get hostile negative comments about how much of an he is - or if not a comment that a look of disgust. At moments when I am feeling really mad at him then it is OK but then there are those other moments where I feel like I am in the wrong for still wanting it to work out and they just don't understand that. My only unbiased outlet is talking to this counselor, I have my second appt with her today actually.

Helpnow,
OK then, can you drive? Maybe daily tours at the weekends? Do you think you can start doing something you have never done before? Like horseriding, motorcycle course, painting - whatever to kep you busy...
My advice is do not to your parents, you know they will always be there for you but their opinions will always be hostile for him as you are hurt by him.
When they are ready and still have feelings for one another, they come back. It is not always the case, but it happens... You are young, you might forget about the whole thing sonner than you think. Or you might still be thinking about him, none of us know that. But until some things are certain, keep your distance, do not rush off to tell him things, do not start panicking and keep your distance from your parents when it comes to this subject... I used to talk to my mom, she was a great support but she always had hostile comments about him. I stopped 4 months ago. No more comments about him. What if you guys get back together sooner than you or we all think? Your mom will hate him for all the right reasons too -but you don't want that... Not now, not ever... I would also like to advice you to keep your distance from his friends too... They always talk too much and mostly rubbish :) trust me :)

Yeah I agree with Singy, do new stuff, keep busy busy,
Do not talk to your friends about this ,as I am sure you have some mutual friends.

The first few weeks are tough, so keep very busy.

I am so glad I found this thread.
I'm going through a very similar situation. Was with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, living with him for the past year. He proposed, then got cold feet and said he wasn't ready. It's now 3 months since that announcement. He's been staying at a relative's apartment. I've been trying to give him space to work through his thoughts but I'm feeling drained.
There's not another woman, I thought maybe, but now I'm sure there isn't. Just a lot of confusion.
I told him today I can't take this ambivalence anymore. I'm constantly wondering what he's up to, what he's thinking, etc. We've been talking, trying to work through this. We sought out therapy, but nothing seems to be helping him.
In my gut, I know I need to walk away, but it's so hard! I just want him to come back and make this work. Everything was going great until the whole marriage issue came up. It's so hard to meet someone that you really connect with? I wish he would see that.

For those that have been/are going through this, please tell me this gets easier.

Hello Preferanon
I will share my expereriences with you... It will take him months maybe to be back. So all you need is to focus on yourself... Like I said I will try and tell you all of my experiences tomorrow... I understand how you feel exactly. Many of us here do...
How old are you? How old is he? If you could share a bit more, would be great...
One thing I can tell you is that of course it will get easier, but never easy... I was like a ghost the couple of months, I thought I was losing my mind, I could not swallow, I could not sleep... All of that gets better in time... Of course it will...
Anyway I will write more in detail all of my experiences tomorrow... And this thread will make you feel better - don't worry :) It always help to know that there are others and you can share with those who truly understand you...

Thanks singy. It does help to talk about it.
I'm 35, he's 30. I never thought the age difference would be a problem. In some ways he's more mature than I am. Usually better at I am at communicating and working through things. But this is his first "real" relationship. I'm the first person he's lived with and the longest he's stayed with someone.
We talked about marriage before we moved in together. I didn't want to go through the co-habitation thing again unless my partner was truly serious. My last relationship went 8 years with no commitment. I didn't want to go through that again.
He says he felt pressured to propose and that I pushed him into it.
It doesn't help that his parents are divorced, his mom twice divorced. He wants to be sure he's doing the right thing. He wants to make sure this will last for life.
But, there are no guarantees, right? My parents are happily married and I know that there are times when they fight, but they get through it. That's part of being with someone.

Like I said, I've tried to be understanding. But we get together to talk, we get along, and I just want him to come back. Or I leave him alone and the uncertainty is killing me.
I suggested setting some guidelines to the separation, like setting certain days to meet up and giving a deadline for a resolution. He said no to the deadline.
How much longer can I be expected to hold on like this? It's making me resent him.

And the resentment will only build - even if you two do end up working things out, that grudge for the pain that this is causing you as well as planting that seed of uncertainty within the relationship will not just go away. I nor anyone can give you accurate advice on what to do because it all depends on him. From your words he just doesn't sound ready and if he isn't and he feels "trapped" which was my exact situation when I started this post well if you two did end up getting married he might end up resenting you for pushing him into something he maybe wasn't ready for... and for you that is not a healthy situation to get into. You need to have very clear and open lines of communication with him and if it sounds like he is making more comments on the reasons he doesn't want to get married right now than it is probably time to move on... than again if he sounds like he genuinly admits it is an issue he needs to work on but wants to work on it to spend the rest of his life with you than that is another story. You said that in your gut you felt you need to walk away and if you really do feel that don't ignore it just because you are holding out hope... a woman's intuition is often right. All I can say is the longer you are put on pause in the relationship not knowing where you are the more the resentment will surely build and the only way for it not to is to gain control over your life and don't be sitting around waiting for him to decide.

<<Everything was going great until the whole marriage issue came up.>>

Yeah really wonder how guys can get so freaked out by marriage these days.. my story is almost identical to yours.

Hi preferanon,
It does get easier with time, the first 3 months are the hardest.
Leave him alone for now and get on with your own life, that's probably the best you can do.

It is still to eary for both preferanon and helpnow to see things clearly, emotions, feelings will be altered.. You guys will both be in a roller coaster... All in time... All will be better... You will have awful days, you will also have fantastic days... I go through that still - and been 7 months. Actually, 3 months after the separation we decided to have dinner, it was like we almost got back together, nothing happened not even one kiss, but the feelings were there, he just did not want to commit and he was all away again - I shut him out and got on with my life, he is sort back again in a friendly sense, only we both know it is not friendly... There is still time before he has to deal with his issues. They are his issues, not mine and I don't have to deal with them. I am still in love with him and want him back, but what s the point of having him back if he is not ready to fully commit himself?? So, I am doing stuff, having fun, thinking positive and if he comes back, and if I'm there then great!! It is best that if he is back, he will be back to a positive me, and I won't be there reminding him his issues, he just needs to sort them out on his own...

Also just to say, I can relate to your man preferanon, as your past has nothing to do with him and it was wrong to tell him you can't deal with another non commintment relationship - he is right here, your past belongs to you and not to him... But we learn our lesson...
Don't give him any ultimatoms, don't talk to him, if he contacts always always be positive, for your sake :) rather than him

Well it has been almost a month since the break up and believe it or not I got asked out on a date - he is a really nice guy that I have known for over a year now but just hung out with in group settings. He knows my situation... what do I do?

Have fun, go out and laugh, and be enchanting and charming ,and forget your problems for a while. Its just a date, not a life commiment, so enjoy it.

I totally agree with talaniman... You go out and have fun... He knows your situation, so that's not so bad... Try not to talk about your situation as you should try and keep your mind off things...
I think it is wonderful - enjoy it :)))))

I'm going through the same thing she is. I've been engaged for a year and a half. He's ending not only the engagement but the relationship. I keep hoping he'll change his mind, but I don't see it happening. I'm sick to my stomach all the time over this, cried a well of tears, absolutely devastated, as he was my best friend and a love that grew over 5 years. He was my creative partner, my life partner. I really don't know how to go on, but somehow I will. I guess that's what Denial and Distraction are for.

Sorry to hear that JCdance... but you will go on.. and you will be fine.

Oh gosh so many stories like this out there,
Another friend of mine got engaged 4 months ago after 8 years together and the guy totally changed in 4 months so she had to break it off...

Seriously I wonder was engagement always like this...

Change, or what people perceive as change, scares the hell out of some people.

OK thanks Tal..

Weird really since the only change in a lot of cases is a ring on the finger lol

And making a promise before God and everyone else. I really don't believe that this fear of commitment attitude comes up all of a sudden. I think it was always there, but never dealt with until a big event such as the wedding, comes up.

Yeah my ex was fine until we began the lovely marriage course and the "forever " was mentioned and the priest was complaining at us,
Rather funny now when I think about it.

Yeah perhaps the fear is just deeprooted in them and as Val(whereever she is!) would say
The people who chose these guys also have their own commitment fears that need to be worked on(as we chose these type of guys).

I think what you say makes so much sense Rol... This must be another type of "law of attraction" -

Ha ha yeah exactly Singy ;-)

The commitment phobe law of attraction...

Well its nice to feel in a good place again as I know you are also.

Good for us!

Here's more on this subject. Ive been studying it for the last year now and there are some good books on the subject.

I think everyone who gets involved with a Commitment phobic guy has their own little Commitment issues. They may not be major and they may not be relationship killers, but I believe having read up on Commintment phobic issues, that if you are dating a CP, then you have some of those tendencies yourself.

To place the blame on another is simply to deny that you have work to do for yourself. I understand it is easy to rationalise away in our own minds that as an individual we are perfectly healthy when we fall for a Commitment phobic partner. Experts in the field seem to believe otherwise and I tend to agree with them.

So for the girls in this thread I think it's a good idea to work on those issues instead of rushing into dating.
Otherwise you will attract the same type of guy again.

Sometimes we are so intent on what we want, we don't stop to see what it is we are getting.

Well I went on that date I got asked out on and it went surprisingly well... I had mentioned we had known each other for over a year now and funny thing is he said he always felt a bit of a connection even when I was with my ex but obviously was never going to act on it. Funny how things work out huh.

Hey,

I'm just curious how things are going for you? I am in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend and am curious if you still see things working out between you and your ex?

M

Hello all, I have been in the same situation.. Yesterday after 7 months of being broken off, I called his mom to wish her a happy birthday and she told me how sorry she was to hear about our situation. Anyway she also told me how happy she was to hear from me... As I am always in some sort of contact with my ex, he asked me to join him and his mom for dinner last night. I went there. It was as if we had never been separeted. All was really good. At the end he thanked me and we kissed goodbye - on the cheeks and I came home.. There is some sort of flirting going on I guess but I am still waiting for him to ask me out just the 2 of us... I guess I will wait and not mention anything until he does... Positive thinking helps... I believe at some level he will come back. It's just a feeling I have. But time will tell...

Can you tell us some info about your situation Maryland.

One thing I am sure of is don't stay in a grey situation for too long.

You can search for the first post under my name, I've added all my updates there for my situation.

I agree with Hockey1014, give time and space, if he loves you, he will contact you, be patient, and yes, do not call him, it would only pressure him and give him stress again.

Good luck!

My boyfriend of three years broke up with me about a month ago. We had been living together for two years and friends for about 8. We had what I thought was a wonderful relationship. We had talked about a future together but new neither one of us were quite ready for marriage. About a month before our breakup he said he was really worried about long term commitment. He was worried about hurting me but just felt like he wasn't ready to make a decision. We went to a few sessions of counseling and then he said that we should breakup because it wasn't fair for him to be undecided. We were both very sad. I have tried to keep my distance. No calling or emailing. He is hurt that I don't want to remain his friend.

I know all evidence is pointing for me to assume all is lost. I am sincerely trying to follow that course. I have kept myself busy, reached out to friends and family, gone to therapy... The problem is that of course I'm still wondering if he just needs a little time to sort out his issues. I think I already know that it doesn't really matter, I have to move on, but I can't seem to let go of a little hope.

Do these things ever work out?

I'm 30 and he's 31 so it's not that we're too young to be making a commitment.

Well update on my situation - I am moving on and not looking back. He has emailed me once since the last conversation on the phone almost three weeks ago now and I have made a conscious decision to not emotionally wait for him. There are always more guys out there and I don't need one that is scared of being with me in the long term - it is a blessing in disguise.

First time ever on this site. I love it!! I read all the replies for helpnow's question. Reading this is like reading a romance book. By the way helpnow, you could write a book on this subject. It will keep you occupied and maybe make you rich. You could also help the readers of the book with their own similar situations.

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I am 36 he is 42. He is a wonderful person and he is set in his ways. We have yet to set a date for marriage. He let me know when we first started dating that he wasn't into the marriage thing. Our relationship isn't really based on getting married, but we do talk about spending the rest of our lives together. We have 3 homes between us. He has a 2 bedroom house he lives in, I live in a single wide trailer with my 14 year old son, and then we rent out a 3 bedroom house.

We are in the process of starting our dream home in April of 2008. Yippee. I can't wait . We sat down last week and drew out our house plans on a piece of filler paper. (redneck blueprints) LOL... He is a very hard working country boy ( MAN) that treats me to back rubs and comes in from a hard days work with wild flowers behind his back.

I admit we have had our ups and downs. We have argued, fussed and broken up for short periods. But, we always seem to work it out. If I ever lost him, I would be lost. Our problem is: he goes to church every time the doors are open. That is a good thing. Myself, I don't attend church with him, very seldom do I go for preaching. Reason is, I feel like the members of the church look down on us for not being married. Everyone is always suggesting that we get married so that we don't live in sin. I get so mad for their remarks they make and I don't go back for months at a time. It is our choice to remain Bf and Gf . If we ever decide to get married, we will do it and make the best of it. Right now everything is fine and we are happy with our relationship. We make our own decisions about our future and all is well. By the way, over the last ten years, this redneck country boy has bought me boo-koos of diamond rings, gold necklaces, diamond earrings, new vehicles, tanning bed and has been my best friend. I guess you could say he spoils me. That's OK though, It proves to me that he loves me and wants to make me happy. Sorry I bragged, but after the sad stories I read here, I wanted to post a good story. I hope that helpnow's story ends like a fairytale. She seems as though she has went through the first part of the Cinderella story. I believe there is a happy ending to that story. Right!! She finds her prince and they live happily ever after...

Hello there, I'm very glad you're moving on helpnow, I'm doing the same, because I finally got, he's not coming back, or visit me anymore, besides I have a lot of doubts about his behaviour, and why he has so many debts, the fact is I know he doesn't need me in his life, so I decided to move on, the good thing about this, is that I let him know all, and we broke up in good terms, I was calm, and he is, so everything's back to normality, besides I have a guy who wants to go out with me, hehehe though I don't know! We'll see what happens.

Back to the subject, Cheers for you!! We will find other men who can be matture enough to not be afraid of the commitment they asked for once! ;)

<It will keep you occupied and maybe make you rich. You could also help the readers of the book with their own similar situations.
>

Ha yeah not a bad idea , at least we would get something from this emotional waste of time rollercoaster!

I am glad you are moving on helpnow. There are too many fish in the sea to wait for one that does not want to commit.