Hi all,

I would great appreciate any and all honest feedback that I can get. The girl I am interested in lives nowhere close to me. So for this to work out it would have to be a successful long-distance relationshp. I am 25 and she is 22. We met in 2004 during a summer youth event and I very recently met her a month ago when she had invited me down to see her.

She had been a serious relationship with a potentially "great" guy and that ended in Nov. 2006. She opened up and told me about the break up and I felt bad because I had gone through something similar. I told her that I liked her that very day and she took it well and was flattered.

In the meantime I had quietly gained her liking as I sent her small gifts and talked to her a few times to let her know I'm thinking of her. The communication picked up majorly from her end in March and she invited me in April for the wknd of her birthday. We were flirting and talking mostly online and a little on the phone. When I went down, I did not beat around the bush about wanting to know where we stood on things. So she said she liked me as a friend and maybe a little more, as she did invite me down to see her, however due to her recent relationship and how guys have dumped her in the past, she stated she is not ready for a relationship at the moment and is open to meeting other guys, and she suggested that I also not wait around for her. That part hurt me a little bit, because I felt we were both into one another.

She is a very busy person in Pharmacy school and I am busy where I live, I felt a long-distance relationship would allow us to be ourselves and get our priorities taken care of and I could fly down and visit her once a couple months or so. She even let me sleep in her bed, we cuddled a little bit, held hands. We had good conversations, nice outings, went to the movies. Since I was only there for less than 48hrs, the night before I left, I got impulsive and emotional and said that I wish that when she is ready that she think about me first. She said she couldn't garauntee that, but she said she reciprocates the interest in me for the time being. Things snowballed and I ended up saying things that probably sounded very stupid to her but I wanted to convince her that I was a good guy for her and that I wouldn't treat her the way her ex's have. I wanted her to know I was all about commitment. She questioned a few things I said and said "how do I know that? how do i know you are different?" I went to bed that night with her and I felt like I majorly screwed up.

When I came back home, things were very different, she hasn't been as social with me, I sent her an email to clear the air that I was premature in my approach and she said "Don't worry about what you said, I did not take it the wrong way. I still want to be friends!" That made me feel better, but I feel that we have lost the flare we used to have when talking before. The excitement level is not there, and I feel I may have lost any and all chances to see her again or for her to invite me down again. Do I honestly have any chance? If so what should I do? Please help me as I really like this girl!

Sorry to say you are in the dreaded friend zone, sounds like she considers you more as a friend than a potential boyfriend. Sometimes you can go from close male friend to boyfriend but for most guys, it just doesn't happen.

Just my view however, some may think otherwise.

I somewhat agree with Lowtax4eva said but I would appreciate more feedback if anybody has anything different to say?

It sounds like she may want to be JUST friends right now... BUT don't give up-give it some time.. let her know you are busy too and that whenever she is ready.. you'll be there :) keep it honest with her.. let her know how you feel but sometimes you may need to bite your tongue-don't be to available- (surprisingly some women hate that) lol. Give her time, she's busy and so are YOU.. so LiVE! She'll come around... you sound like a sweetheart-she likes you, just doesn't have time right now... don't worry it will work out :)

Okay, this girl sounds just like me with this one guy right now! She is okay with cuddling and snuggling and stuff, but when it comes to her actually having to commit to a guy and to get emotionally involved and everything she may feel not ready. It may not be you at all. I'm actually sure that it isn't. She probably just likes the fun that you 2 have, and can see it as slightly more than friends (and slightly less than friends with benefits) but it's just not the right time for her. She seems to really care about you, I mean, to have invited you to stay with her for 2 days! That's pretty cool! Maybe back off for a few days and then start talking again... see if she missed you. That is what the guy keeps doing to me and I kind of realize that maybe I do really like him because I hate it when we aren't talking! Did this make sense? Ha, I tried to help a little, hope something I said was on

I appreciate all the responses I got! EllieBrown, thanks so much for your response as you are kind of living out the similar situation. You know what really bothers me is that I didn't read or invest time into "Being a G" as crJgirl said. I had built up slight expectations before going to visit and therefore I said crazy things, that perhaps scared her off. What I said is haunting me and I feel your responses are helping me to forget all that. She may not be making as big a deal out of it as I am. I think if I play my cards right, I could get this girl to understand that I was genuine with her. Thanks so much!

Slow and steady wins the race!

You messaged me asking for my input to this post, I will try my best..
I think you should give this girl a little bit of time, set a limit in your own head, say, three months, and if she is no clearer then start to distance yourself.
You said she split with her ex, maybe she wants to be free for a while, but doesn't want to hurt you.at least she has been honset with you instead of giving you some line and not being clear.
You have to decide if you want to wait around for something that MIGHT never happen, or give it time to grow and see where it goes.
Yes long distance can work, but in my opinion I could never do it again, after time it got too hard to let him go home, and vice versa, so if you are thinking of going long distance, make sure you have a goal at the end of it, say to move in together, or whatever.
You say you are both busy, maybe that is a factor in her decision too, maybe she feels she couldn't give 100 per cent to a relationship with you whilst she is so busy with other things in her life.
I'm sorry I can't give you any direct advice on what you should do, its tough to say, coming on too strong may push her away, leaving her alone may give the impression that you are not as interested.
Personally I would try to go see her in person,sit her down and tell her you need to talk, get everything out in the open, and take it from there, honesty is the best thing to give her in your situation, I wish you luck, and let me know how it goes..

Hey Fix, thanks so much for your response. Yeah, I definitely want to see her in person again but that can't happen over the summer unfortunately. It may actually be a good thing, because she'll get some space and time to let her life settle. I wanted to take her to a football game in Oct when she gets back to school, so what I'm thinking is I will wait until Sept. to call her and ask if she still wants to go to that. Bottom line is, even if I see her, I don't think it is a good idea to bring up anything sensitive or "relationship" related because she already knows how I feel about her. If I push things, or bring it up on my own, she may be weirded out. I want to let her bring it up if she wants. The idea is to build things up so that she is comfortable to invite me down again, if she does, I will def. want to show her that I am there with a chill fun attitude this time. What do you think?

You may have jumped the gun alittle, but I wouldn't worry about it..Stop concerning yourself about it too. Go back to doing and being who you were BEFORE this all went down. You may have to "win her over" again, but if you did it once you can do it again. Just let the question of where the relationship is going lie there and collect some dust... If things pick back up again, you can re-approach her at a future time. Good Luck and like the old song said: "Dont worry ! Be Happy!" ;)

Thanks for your responses. Lately I have noticed that she comes on AIM and if I have an away message up she will not IM me like she used to before. If she sees me as active/available, she will take a few minutes after signing on and send me a smiley face. We get into a conversation of sorts but nothing crazy or too in-depth on anything. However, when I have to go to bed or have to go, I don't hesitate to let her know I'll talk to her later. That way at least to her, she will see that I'm doing what I want, when I want and not sitting there desperate to talk. She has initiated conversation two nights in a row. I'm seriously not trying to read too much into it, as she could either be doing it not to seem like a "female dog" or just to see if she gets the same level of attention as before. Bottom line is we're on talking terms and things seem normal again. Any thoughts?? Am I on the right track?? Please give me some feedback.

Wow man... I'm pretty much in the same position you are I mean I met this girl in Idaho and well we're both 18 and well we've been talking and dating for about a month or so and we're both really busy I mean I do landscaping and baseball in Wyoming... and she's barely graduating from high school and she made the Idaho softball traveling team, and we'll I'm only about a hour's drive away but I really like and I pretty much came on strong too and well the best advice I got was from her sister... she was like well heather really isn't looking for a relationship and in the past it really hasn't worked out in the past but that I should wait a week or two and call her... I'm sorry I couldn't really help but that's the best advice I could throw you're way, good luck

Sounds like you're doing ok.. See told ya that if you backed off she'd come around. Just keep doing what you're doing. Be a good guy! Don't pressure her and you'll be fine..The best part of having a relationship is having a friend. Not a "boyfriend" or "Girlfriend" but a FRIEND. Someone you can talk with when you need to . Someone to keep you from being bored, on a friday or saturday night. To just go to the movies with, or hang out with, to be company with. That's what most people are looking for. All the talk that most younger guys and girls do is just that TALK. And it does nothing but gets eveyone into trouble. Stop all the talking and just BE! Glad to see it's working out alright.

Thanks for your responses, the only unfortunate thing here is that we are unable to meet frequently as we live far apart and it isn't a 4-5 hr drive even. I have to fly down to see her.(we are both within the US, I am NE and she is SE) Which I personally don't mind doing, and can't expect her to as she is a student and doesn't earn money. Somehow, I feel that true feelings should conquer all distances and all barriers, but if a person gets caught up in the distance and how much of a deterrent it is, what to do? I'm not saying she said that but most girls don't want long-distance deals. I will try to visit her as frequently as possible, once she is more comfortable with me of course, then maybe she will be OK with that. Any thoughts?

Hey MIAPP just curious on how things went the other night?

Fix-
Well I talked to her last night again after a gap of a day, by IM. I initiated this time since she did 2 nights in a row prior to that. She is slow in responding, not sure why. But I have been patient. Talked for about 20 minutes about how her summer is going and stuff. She keeps saying she means to call me but she usually doesn't even look at her phone when shez home (away from school). Now I'm not sure if she means she is so occupied with family/friends that she always forgets to call or what? She has said this a few times now that she is sorry she hasn't called me in a while. I'm kind of perplexed on this because if someone wants to call you, they will. I don't get it. I just said 'call me when you can'. I didn't want to propose to call her, I mean I could've said that and I'm sure she would've taken it lightly, but who knows? Funny thing is I never asked her to call me either, she herself says it. Any ideas?

I think up to now you are doing all the right things from what you have said.
I also think she does seem to sound busy, but on the other hand I agree that if you want to do it you make time, unfortunately,we cannot always make time.sometimes other things in life get in the way,family,friends,prior plans,school,work etc.

Fix-
Somehow her behavior and the way she talks somedays and doesn't talk other days, is seeming more like she is guilty of something beyond just not being able to call me. Maybe she thinks she has hurt me in someway. I have been acting normal with her, but the last thing anybody needs is someone to feel sorry for them. I really hope this is not PITY! Last night she came online for a bit but neither of us made the efforts to start a conversation. However, if I confront her on this situation, it can open up a really unpleasant can of worms so I think I will leave the situation as is, and see where it leads.

I got advice from a user on this forum that I should contact the girl and tell her that I'm aplogetic that things got crazy so fast and that I want to "start over". I'm in a very confused state of mind as I have not had a word with this girl in almost a whole week. We have seen each other online, but no communication. I'm not sure if she's waiting for me to do it.

Now, it has been a month and half since we met, and since then our communication hasn't been the best(if you need background please read the root post). Unfortunately the long distance doesn't help much here either. How would "let's start over" come off to her? Is that logically the right move for me to make right now? I need some help guys, PLEASE share your opinions.

Here's a secret, this took me a long time to learn.. and yes there are always exceptions to what I have to say, so if anyone reads this before you freak out, I'm not trying to tar all and sundry with the same brush, merely explain something I've come to understand about the nature of male + female in order to try and enlighten MIAPP here and maybe give him some insight from my own personal experiences, regardless as always when I respond take from it what you can, leave from it what you wish...

Ahem here goes.. Girls have different needs to guys generally speaking, at least to go past friendship, for a guy generally we just need a girl to be a little affectionate show some interest and its like a bullet between the eyes we're dead in the water head over heels chasing her because we feel that that's the way it should go. Which is where we should stop and question our motives and moral conclusions and whether this is simply because we're lonely and someone has shown up on our doorstep as it were or if its because we've met someone finally that absolutely ROCKS our world... I think in all seriousness you should only EVER spend your energy emotionally on someone that literally takes your world by the ears and shakes it around.. Anything less while it can be fun, isn't worthwhile and has no real future in my eyes..

Girls on the other hand are generally much more complicated, they need to feel comfortable and safe with someone to cross the threshold of friendship into romance, it usually takes a bit longer for her to feel comfortable than what it would take a guy because she needs to understand how he thinks and be able to communicate and feel like he's not just there to try and get her into bed for some fun and then leave, if you really want to break down the walls of the friendzone be the perfect friend, understand where she is coming from, listen no I mean LISTEN to what she has to say even if you have to fight the urge to talk, slowly get close, don't rush it, it comes across as desperate which is a huuuuge turnoff to a girl, she was right to ask 'how do I KNOW that you are going to be different' its not something you can prove by talking, talk is something that comes and goes and can change, prove it in your actions, exercise patience over your impulses, hold back when you feel like telling her the depths of your soul and only tell her the first time when it is absolutely necessary and there is no other way around it.

In my experience almost every girl I've ever become friends with on a long term basis eventually she has shown some curiosity towards taking the friendship to the next level and on occasion that has changed the nature of the friendship somewhat.

Another thing to hold in mind is live but don't look at any girl as a potential girlfriend, i.e. hold no expectations, and vanquish any hopes or desires you might have, hold them on a tight leash, just see girls as only potential friends, if things are meant to change into something more, they do regardless of what happens because chemistry is almost impossible to ignore, and if your both single why should you? :)

You know I think where we all really run into problems is that today's society has basically designed a way that makes us think that love is simple, its as if they want to press fast forward, which you truly can't do when it comes to the natural bonding between two humans, love in itself is unconditional this sounds like a cliché but ultimately when you love someone truly you're willing to put their needs above your own, their happiness before yours, where this runs into problems is if it's a situation where it is unrequited, or when someone hasn't let go of the past.

Anyway hopefully you get something useful out of my usual rambling/ranting...
Good luck with this situation!

Just a thought, you could end all this uncertanty now.
Pick up the phone, call her, and ask her right out if you scared her away with your feelings.
Maybe she thinks its too soon to be confessing your love for her, maybe she doesn't want a boyfriend right now and doesn't know how to tell you.
With the IM thing, the next time you are both online send her an email, tell her you are sorry for what you said, but tell her you just wanted to be honest with her and you didn't want to scare her or push her away, its just you really like her and didn't want to blow it.
Ask her to be honest with you too, ask her what she wants out of life, if she sees you in her future at all.
It can't hurt, and then at least you will know once and for all.

Ok, so I made the move. I saw her on IM and talked to her very casually at first. Then I asked her if we could talk on the phone somtime. I told her I had to talk to her about something and it would not take long. Until this point she was responding to me, after I started this she totally started ignoring me. I said, 'ok I have to go read for my class, if you think it is OK to talk, let me know, if not, no big deal. Have a goodnight!' I noticed after 15-20 minutes of no response she signed off. I think I got my answer and I have no clue but I felt good that I at least proposed to talk. I wanted to get this over with and at least I put forth the effort. She is too flakey, I think I am done with this girl. She may respond today and want to talk, in which case I still would, but for all intents and purposes at this present time, I think itz over. I feel somewhat free and liberated, there is still some hurt but not as much. I have no idea why??

From what I've read, looks like she's simply not interested. Maybe she thinks you came on too strong that time you spent together, or made yourself too available, maybe she realized she didn't really like you all that much, maybe she thinks you are OK as a distant friend but nothing more, or maybe she's simply forgetting you, seeing as to how your is a long-distance 'relationship', and finding new friends. (which is the best thing YOU could do, too).

And she can't be bothered to have this CONVERSATION with you because its always awkward to have people profess their feeling for you - to which you do not correspond.

That's just my opinion, but I can just see myself in that girl... sometimes spending some time together and/or hooking up makes you realise that you don't like the person, rather than strengthen the link. And if the guy keeps insisting and talking over the messenger about HAVING A TALK etc etc... it becomes annoying and awkward.