Okay, here goes.
Im 15. About a year ago I was depressed, self harming etc. Then I met this amazing chick, curly hair... brown eyes... you get the idea.
As you may have realised by now, I sort of liked her.
Then she says " Come to Youth this friday"
So, just because she asked, I came along. At youth (sorta a young peoples church thing every friday) I learnt that it would be possible to have a relationship with god.
So I tried, and tried, and so on, always getting disapointed, feeling that I couldn't connect, even though I knew, and still know, that god is real, I've seen people I trust and look up to who would never lie to me say that he is real, and seen them believing and connecting with him, yet still I could never connect. Until recently, when I was able to smile again, suddenly in worship, god had enabled me to be happy again. Now the depression is coming back.
But that's not the issue I'm asking about here, that's just the story of what's happened so far, now onto the real issue.
The chick. I still like her, I adore her, heck, sometimes when thinking about her my breathing even changes, and I feel this strange feeling in my chest, and I can never get her out of my mind.
On top of these feelings, I am trying to maintain a healthy friendship with her, she doesn't seem to feel the same way about me, but she seems keen on keeping the friendship going, even though me and her have a lot of trouble keeping a good conversation going, and have had some rough times between us, mostly caused by a phase I went through when half the time I hated her, and half the time I adored her. Every mistake I have made, she has forgiven me, pretty much unconditionally. The big problem is... these feelings I have for her, they seem to dominate my thoughts and feelings pretty much 24 hours a day, and they sort of confuse me and scare me, I don't know, is this just a crush? I would die for her, every time she says something I can never resist her wishes or disagree with her. What do I do? How do I help this become a good healthy friendship? Should I tell her how I feel? She knows I like her, but not how much. How do I keep the conversations going? The short conversations followed by silence just leave me feeling inadequite, boring, and unworthy of her friendship.

cal823,

I'm not a religious person but this helped me in my struggle with depression - and life.

“We have faith until we believe and we believe until we know.”

As for your relationship with your friend. I sense an opening up. I think, if your depression is anything like mine was, you will have times when you feel pretty good and good stuff touches you. Then there will be the times when you don't feel so good and the not so good stuff gets through. Your job now is to work at letting more good stuff through. Be friends with your friend enjoy the good times for as long as they last and if she wants to help you when you are feeling down let her and try to be kind, grateful even. Great friendships and great relationships have come from people simply helping each other. Go with the flow. Allow the friendship to take it's own course.

Sorry if that wasn't very helpful. When I was very depressed nothing much anyone said got through.

Stay strong and stay above the battles.

I think you would be helped by going to your doctor, and that means talking to your parents. Your depression may be manageable, and you should be diagnosed to get the help you need. I think if you take care of that as your priority, then the rest will open up to you, and you will be in a healthier state of mind. It will be a lot easier talking to this young lady, and getting a relationship with God, if you take care of your health, and can have a positive attitude.

Thank you guys... its good advice, but I guess I should have read it all earlier.
Because I've gone and done something terrible.
The other day, I decided to give up on god, I know he's real, but its too hard.
I also pushed her away, pretty much closed down the friendship, I don't know why I did it.
Now because I am no longer going to church or youth, I will never see her again, and I think I may have hurt her feelings. The idea of hurting her in any way just makes me feel like dying
I guess it's a good thing, at least she doesn't have to worry about the communication troubles between me and her, or the pain she unwillingly causes me. I have been sinking lower and lower into depression since I've done this, and I don't know if I can ever make it out. I'm such a stupid fool, but its too late now, I can't go back.

If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that it is never to late.

First though you need to worry about you. Go to the Dr.'s and talk about your depression with him. He can help you manage your depression and get you on a more even platform mood wise. He can also refer you to a few good therapists that can help you work through your feelings.

Once you have done that you will have a clearer picture of your life. Then would be the time to go back to your friend, explain a little about what was going on, and ask for her forgiveness. If you are ready, you can also then revisit your relationship with God.

But first please deal with you!

I have had poor results from professionals like doctors or councillors, and with parents, I tend to work better trying to fix my problems on my own, or with trusted friends my own age who understand me, or with caring people who don't have a huge bias, authority figurey adult people never seem to understand.

Aw cal ]: since you were such good friends, maybe if you called her and explained to her why you did what you did and sincerely apoligized, she'd forgive you. It'd take a while to get the friendship back to where it was, but if you told her how you felt about her also, she might understand the situation a little better and since ti's off your chest you might have a better friendship than before. Wow and you're only 4 days old than me so I don't think I'm an authority figurey adult person :D, so you can I'm me if you have aim whenever you want. My sn is "stop jaywalking" [:

Im not sure if shell forgive me, or if ill be able to regain her trust... I just talked with a friend, and apparently this girl thinks I manipulated her or something... I don't understand how she can think that, I feel like a horrible person, what if I hurt her feelings? Should I bother becoming friends again? Ill just cause more stuff for her to worry about.

How about forgiving yourself for a change and worry about you. The best thing you can do for everyone, especially you, is get healthy, then you can deal with every thing else.

First of course God is real, but also your relationship and how it shows may not be the same as when someone else "connects" not sure the type of YOUTH program
Some you will see tears and yelling when they connect, and they for some silly reason expcet everyone to have that same reaction, but many will have a very simple happy connection, without the whistles and bells.
This is it, your connection will not always show up like everyone else's, it is the connection, since you found that feeling, you made the connection. And if they did not warn you, if you really start getting connected often the other side ( Satan) is not going to be real happy about that connection and he will remind you of past depressions, past sins, trying to disconnect you. Being saved and accepting Christ does not mean a easy road, often it means a harder road, but it just can see easier if we let Christ lead the way.

As for the girl, as a guy I can tell you one thing for sure, there is no way to ever tell what they are thinking, if you think you do, you can be sure you are wrong. Why not tell her exactly what you have posted here, Sometimes of course we burn too many bridges, but in the end, honestly is the only real answer.

By the way God has not given up on you, right now you are figting that connection, it already has happened and you don't want to admit it, that is why the added depression.

Thanks guys... ill try to use your advice... but its sort of hard, its like I don't have the will to try reconciling with god or with her, though friends of mine are making bets till how long I can't last without giving in and going back to church.
One friend wants me to reconcile with the chick, one says I should just forget them all, one says I should stay friends and just not go to church.

I say go to your parents, to see a doctor about what you are going thru. Get help and be better prepared to make a decision about your life.

This is what I think. God is real. I'm a believer and everything. I love him, and he has completely changed my life when I had problems he helps me every step of the way. He will forgive you if you ask to receive him again and confess your sins and if you do then just pray continually about your depression he never wants to see you sad, but the only reason why you are is because he lets it happen. The devil brings it to you. I know it sounds kind of weird/bad that he lets it happen but he does it because he loves you. You'll learn something from it or you will be extremely blessed later in your life because that happened. Trust me god works in mysterious ways but I will always love him with all my heart.

And with the girl I would try talking to her I don't think she's going to hate you but just talk to her and tell her how you feel about her and your life. She'll lead you to the lord again and maybe the whole purpose of her being in your life is so that you can learn to love god. I don't know but think about it. Since I'm a girl whenever someone blows me off I'm wondering why and I wish they would talk to me because I want to know what they feel/ are thing.

Hope I helped, sorry if you disagree with me in a certain area.

Call her and apologize, if she is that important to you don't give up.

Try sending one of these to her... Love Poems, Romantic Poetry and Friendship Poems (http://www.yuni.com/library/poems.htm)



State of Mind

If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don't!
If you'd like to win, but you think you can't,
It's almost certain you won't. If you think you'll lose, you're lost;
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow's will;
It's all in the state of mind!
If you think you're outclassed, you are;
You've got to think high to rise.
You've got to be sure of yourself
Before you 'll ever win the prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man;
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the person who thinks he can!
Author Unknown

thanks guys...your suport has been amazing. a friend convinced me to go to church yesterday, and i think this friendship is on its way to healing, she even sat with me for a while, and we talked. shes an amazing person and i made a huge mistake, but she is forgiving, and now i actually believe that she wants my friendship.
My depression will be harder to fight, but i think i can do it. i think returning to church yesterday is the start of a big turnaround for me.

I'm glad we helped that's great news!