Multiple threads merged

Ok... so this is my first post, but for the past week, I have been browsing (and searching like crazy) these websites for some comfort. At times, I think I have found some, but I always come back!

Here's the story... BF broke up with me after 10 months together. The relationship was very one-sided, he is incredibly spoiled (by his parents) and just down-right selfish. Oh... also diagnosed as bi-polar and doing nothing to treat for it. Throughout our relationship, there were constant ups and downs and he treated me pretty badly... We have taken time apart a few times, but most recently, he has said that he thinks he should look for a new girlfriend... one who he is happier with. He said if I need an answer right now, then it is over, but he would like for me to give him some time (2 weeks) and see what happens. I am devastated. I was an awesome GF to him... did EVERYTHING for him... and put up with an awful lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have (my friends all told me I was nuts for dealing with him) ONLY TO GET MY HEART BROKEN?? I am beside myself and need advice. Does he come back when he figures out I was the best thing that ever happened to him? Or is this really the end?

From the general tone of your voice, it doesn't sound as though you were very satisfied with the relationship. You said he is spoiled, bi-polar, and the relationship was very one-sided.

Based on that, does it seem unreasonable to you that you may be better off outside of the relationship? Of course it is going to hurt, as something dear to you was taken away. Look at it in light of the things you have said here... maybe it would be good for you to get some time to yourself and see where you stand, and what type of relationship you want right now - if any.

Thanks for your answer... You are right about my tone in my question. There are many reasons I was often unhappy in this relationship... But the fact that he is maybe finished is KILLING ME. I did everything for this guy... How is it that he thinks he's better off without me? He says he finds it hard to relax with me, that I'm not a relaxed, chill personality and that he wants to see if he can be happier with someone else. I am so sad!

I was an awesome GF to him....did EVERYTHING for him....and put up with an awful lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have


I think that the focus of this should not be is he coming back. Your post makes it obvious that you know you are too good for that behavior. I understand how you can be hurting, and how you can love someone even when the reprecussions of that love are tearing you down emotionally.
I understand the statement "Just forget about him and move on" Is a lot easier said than done...
But its necessary.
My suggestion would be to find something that takes up most of your time. Don't let yourself have any free time to focus on what's happened.
A really good option is working out. I do it, and it helps with the emotional state.
Physical activity releases saratonin (Gawd I spelled that wrong) into the bran, the 'happy chemical" which makes one feel better quite effectively... plus knowing you are doing something that is benefitting your health and is socially applauded, boosts our self esteem.
Also... the next time you get into a relationship... be friends with him for a while. Push off that urge to tell him "I feel something for you"
Watch him, how he interacts with his family and friends. His respectlevel.
If he isn't gracious and respectful to everyone else don't be so nieve to think he will be to you

God... it's so amazing how helpful complete strangers can be! Thank you so much for your answers. Why is it that I am soooo hoping that he comes to his senses and wants "us" back? Does he really find his happiness with someone else instead of me? He is a pretty unhappy person, himself... is it reasonable that he will find "happiness" with someone else after I treated him so well? Does he regret? Why can't I let him go?

Babe, your problem is that your focus was always on him... and it still is. Don't make this guy god.

Hi hurting a lot! If you read question about moving on after a break up, I know you'll learn a lot from there...
But I'm someone who is going through it right now.. moving on and the pain is just driving me crazy from time to time...
But that's why I'm already focused on moving on because I've already made up my mind that I will move on despite the pain I'm going through... so my problem now is just about how to move on... and it's being addressed and it's really not easy at all... easier to read it in the forum... but I know what you're going through

My advice is for you to decide first if you're ready to let him go and whatever you decide, you have to stand by it... we all have our options to make like spidey said in spiderman 3, and it's up for us to choose the right one... and your mind at this point knows the right decision , and your heart is denying it... so you have to just constantly tell yourself, it's got to be mind over heart this time... that's why our brain/mind is on top of our body and our heart is right there at the middle, because somehow, the one in control who is the mind, is usually the one who's seeing the whole picture... the heart can only see from your chest down, while the brain can see the whole body...

So just make that one time, big time decision of letting go... and we can move on together :) I'll be here... WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER... GIRL POWERRRRR!!

from--hurting less and less each day :)

Why is it that I am soooo hoping that he comes to his senses and wants "us" back? Does he really find his happiness with someone else instead of me? He is a pretty unhappy person, himself....is it reasonable that he will find "happiness" with someone else after I treated him so well? Does he regret? Why can't I let him go?


you know, I want to ask those questions too and I really did ask them but wherever you go, whatever you do, you wouldn't find that answer now... maybe years from now or maybe not at all...

the reason we can't let go of people is because we love them, we value them and we are attached to them. But somehow, we got to adjust and have the mindset that they died and there's not going to be any chance of them coming back... so we are left with the decision of just coping with the loss, grieving, accepting, etc... I want my ex back too sometimes at the back of my mind especially if I miss him, but I realize it's just because of attachment... I wish sometimes, I don't know how to love at all so I don't get hurt but then , we have to deal with the current reality that we love and we are hurt. But getting back with him will only prolong the agony... you know it, so don't justify it... AGAIN>>>LET'S JUST DO IT!

How can I miss him so much? The thought of him being with/talking with/laughing with/HAVING SEX with someone else absolutely turns my stomach... Does he ever regret letting me go?

Well, he might regret it but definitely, not yet not now... and there's also a possibility that he might not regret it at all if he'll be happier and more satisfied on his next relationship...
I know it hurts, but just think that if he ever was satisfied with you anyway, he wouldn't let you go...

I have been thinking (and crying) a lot about my situation. I understand that he may not ever regret what he did, but I am SLOWLY trying to come to the conclusion that he really didn't ever deserve all that I gave of myself, if he doesn't regret losing me. I truly gave all of me to this guy... I have no regrets about what I could have done differently, as in some of my other past relationships. If he really lets me go this time, IT IS SO HIS LOSS! I am hoping that the last of my tears for him will be coming, SOON... (I crept into my mom's bed this morning crying my eyes out at 5am... and mind you, I am not 12... but turning 31 this coming Monday... ) He didn't deserve all the great things I did for him while we were in our relationship... considering he really wasn't nice many times... and he certainly doesn't deserve all of my tears now. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be is meant to be, whatever that is. In time, everything comes together, it always somehow does. And, if he sees that he was a complete jerk for letting me go, MAYBE, by then it will be too late for him. I HOPE SO! I deserve something so much more complete in my life... not a bipolar jerk that has crazy hot and cold swings. Mind you, 48 hours before it was "over", so he says, he was at my job telling me he was so into me and begging to be with me... etc... etc... Is this even normal??

Well, I guess it would help if we really just stop analyzing what's going on with him, what's the matter with him, etc. I used to do that a lot too, wanting every reason and justification for his actions... but it wouldn't really help so much... like I always say, no matter how much we would have wanted things to stay or even if we give our all , if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be...

To love. To be loved. To love and be loved. To be sad. To be happy. To be despondent. To be hopeful. To hold on. To let go. To stop loving. Or to go on loving, no matter what. The options are out
there.
Sometimes, goals fall short, things go wrong and plans miscarry.
It's not the end of the world. For those who don't believe in
failure as an option, then it is the end for them. But for the rest
of us who believe that while we live, we have the power to change
the course of our lives, hope springs eternal.

We can choose to give up. Or we can choose to go on. We can choose to be scared. Or we can choose to be brave. We can choose death. But we can also choose life. We can go for our goals one more time. Or we can change our goals over time. We determine our destiny.

Why is it that my mood fluctuates SO drastically all the time? At one moment, I am feeling like this could be the best thing for me... (the breakup)... and others (now) I am questioning how I will go on if it's really over. When I wonder what he is doing, or where he is, or what he might be thinking, I go crazy. I miss him... does he miss me? I am in NC and plan to stay there, no matter what... (I swear I will not contact him first... ) but I am really hoping he misses me and calls me... am I crazy?

Why is it that my mood fluctuates SO drastically all the time? At one moment, I am feeling like this could be the best thing for me....(the breakup).....and others (now) I am questioning how I will go on if it's really over. When I wonder what he is doing, or where he is, or what he might be thinking, I go crazy. I miss him.....does he miss me? I am in NC and plan to stay there, no matter what....(I swear I will not contact him first.....) but I am really hoping he misses me and calls me....am I crazy?

My Ex/fiance broke up with me 3 months ago. I now we are not meant to be together. But I have all the same feeling still that you describe above. It does get better trust me.

It's really really normal and I felt that way too... but you know, always put this in mind, if he's not doing anything about it, maybe he really doesn't miss you or if he's not making a move, why would you?

It would hurt more to realize you have a wounded ego apart from the wounded heart.

I know that it shouldn't matter what he is thinking/what he is feeling/what he is doing... but the fact is... it often does. I am so fearful that he gets to be happy... without me. I think I will die if this happens before I am through this process, if it really is over.

Doubful... you are right. But it has only been a few days... we have not spoken for longer than this before... is it poss. That he just needs the time to miss me? Sometimes I just don't feel like I will be OK with him not coming back, regardless if the relationship was good or not. Is it truly possible for someone so Narcissistic to have made this decision before I did?

Sucks doesn't it? Know this though, everyone goes through what you're feeling. It'll drive you crazy wondering if the ex misses you the way you miss them. Then one day you wake up and say to yourself-- why did I spend so many hours thinking of that butthead?

Box up the gifts and pictures. Be with friends and family-- keep yourself busy. More importantly, love yourself.

Take heart girl, these are harsh realities of life... No one stays with you forever... if you start believing in it... it'll become easier for you to handle people and expectations attached with them... learn and live...

Separate your life from him. That way, if it does happen, you'll never know. Deep down you feel like you want to know. You want to know what he is up to, what he's doing, how he's feeling... but trust me... if you knew, it wouldn't help you at all - no matter what the answers were.

Well whatever happens, I suggest you don't make the first move EVER! And then don't even hope he will contact you... if he does, then I know you'll be happy , take it from there... but again, like I did, it was also painful to even let go of that little hope at the back of your mind that he might ask you back... but then , like I always say, let the pain knock me down one time , because it's only when we're knocked down that they stop beating...

This way, after we're knocked down, the next move is to slowly recover, heal and then move on and gather strength ready for a fight again :)

Now is the perfect time to be MIND OVER HEART.

Omg! OK so I am in a very similar situation!! But I got dumped twice and he came back to me both times. But what it sounds like is that he treats you this way because he knows you are a for sure thing. You know his attitude and issues and you allow it and accept it. When men act this way, they know that it won't be easy to find a good woman 1. and to a good woman that accepts all his flaws. Honestly, I know this is not what you really want to hear right now, but, he probably already had met someone when you guys were together, and knows that he can break it off with you so that he can date the other, check it out for a few months or so and if it doesn't work out, then he comes back to you. Seems pretty harsh I know. But this is what I think happened with me.
The result is if things were meant to be with the two of you, then it will eventualyl happen. And remember the saying... if you let something go and it comes back to you, it is yours, otherwise, it never was.
Also sometimes its good to let them get a break from you. They date others and realize how much you really do for them and learn to appreciate you! Let him simmer in his own grief for a bit. Don't take him back right away even though it kills you.

Your hurt, though painful, is natural to feel after a break up. You are a caring person, and have put way more into this relationship than he has, and honestly that is not healthy on your part. He may come back, and I can guarantee that things will not change, and you will be no happier than you were before. Sorry but he is a taker, and you will have misery, because he will never give you what you deserve so instead of crying over him, enjoy your freedom and accept he is out of your life, and you can find a real happiness ,not the fake stuff he offers you. Move on, and get a life you enjoy without him, and cut him from your life altogether. Hard as it is now, you will feel much better later, as you get those intense feelings under control and see things for what they are, and not be his slave any longer.

Hey Everyone...

Ok... so it's Friday and I made it (sometimes barely... ) through the week. But now the weekend is here and I would normally be with him. There has been NC (on either part) since 1:30 Sunday Morning (when he called me to ask if I was going to give him the 2 weeks to see if he "misses me")... I know the right thing is NC... it is helping... (a little.) I considered sending a text today just to say "I'm still missing you..." just to be sure he knows I am. Is this the right thing to do? I know any prospect of a reconciliation NEEDS to come from his side and he would have to chase me... (I'm not kidding... ) but I don't want him to think that maybe we both are better off without each other since he hasn't heard from me either. I miss him so much... what's the right thing to do here?

Even if he doesn't know if you miss him or not, it doesn't matter, if he misses you , he will contact you regardless of any reason... again, just hold on... and never sent that text, he will even take you for granted all the more... don't do the first move.

Your emotions are telling you to contact him, but the best course of action is to make plans for keeping yourself busy, and not contact him at all. If he contacts you, what makes you think he will treat you any better? He may say he will, but actions speak louder than words. If he contacts you, do not respond right away, but make sure your composed and cool when you do. I honestly hope you move on, and stop his settling for his degrading ways. You deserve someone who appreciates your attentions with love and gratitude. He does not.

So my birthday is on Monday... and my BF and I are currently on a "break.." For those who haven't read my story... in a nutshell... 10 month relationship... up and down, he's pretty (very) selfish... but I love him and continue to put up with it... Have taken breaks before, but this time he says he feels different. He wants to see if he can be happier with someone else... etc... etc... but wants me to give him 2 weeks to see if he "misses me"... (he said if I need an answer now, then it is over, but he would like for me to give him the time.. ) I am dying most of the time, but have managed to get through this week with NC whatsoever (on either part... ) Question... my birthday is Monday... considering it's within the "2 week" span, what should I be thinking? Part of me wants him to call... thinking maybe that's a sign that he doesn't want to let me go... part of me thinks if he doesn't, maybe he has found happiness away from me... This is awful. I miss him and truly want a healthy relationship with him... AND WANT HIM BACK... BUT I also understand that if it is ever to work, he's the one who needs to realize things and work for me to come back to him. It can't be from me... I certainly have tried everything else. I am just anxious about how this all turns out... and my heart is hurting. If he doesn't call on Monday, does that mean I should assume he's really gone, even though it hasn't been that long? What to do?!

Why does this NC thing feel so hard so much of the time? I know if it is meant to be, it will be. AND that if we are to get things back, it has to come from him... but it's so hard. I miss him so much... why does it seem like he doesn't miss me? It has only been 6 days... but I feel like I am slowly dying. Should he not have realized by now?

If he really loves you then he would not be asking you for 2 weeks away from you. I think he wants to give you 2 weeks to forget about him. I would definitely not wait for his call on Monday, the day of your birthday. In fact you should be making plans to go out and have fun on your birthday. He sounds very selfish, asking for 2 weeks when he knows your birthday is within the 2 weeks span. You should consider moving on with and find new friends because life is too short.

Happy Birthday.

I agree. If he asks you for two weeks then he obviously doesn't care about your feelings. You should make your own plans for your birthday and don't include him in any part of it. I know you love him, but you should be with someone who truly cares about you. That person is out there, but you will never find him if your stuck on this person!

Wait your turn until he is through with his new hunny bunny,:eek: Be patient.:rolleyes:

Your birthday is a special time for you and why spoil it over those who don't consider it special anymore... hard truth... let's say you've got a new life on the day... welcome it with open arms and forget about those who make you feel miserable... ur deserve better treatment than this... right? All the best...

but I feel like I am slowly dying. Should he not have realized by now?
Do you have a job?
Do you go to school?
As I told you in another post he is to busy to worry about you. You have admitted you put more in the relationship than he did so realise how dumb and one sided that was, and also see that if that's what you want back then there is a problem with your thinking to accept this degrading behaviour. Sorry to be cruel but you need a push to get off stupid and here it is. Now get busy doing something besides mooning for some loser. He won't be back until his new hunny bunny kicks him to the curb. WAKE UP.

Talaniman... first of all, thanks for your responses... I really do appreciate your (blunt) honesty. To answer your questions... yes, I do have a job... and a full life. A son and an amazing family and friends... I know what you are saying when you tell me that I don't deserve the way this guy behaves (even when we are together... ) and that I really need to move on. BUT... I really do miss him and am hoping for the best. I know in my heart of hearts that this relationship was negatively impacting me... but it's still hard to let go of someone who you thought could/would be different. As I have mentioned before, he is bipolar... (officially)... and not treating himself. Even though I'm aware of this fact, it is still difficult to comprehend how this all came about. I agree that he may have someone else in mind right now, but I am not sure how realistic it is of him to think he could be happier with someone else. I was really amazing to him. Two days before we broke up, he was telling me how much he wanted to be with me and then, bam... I guess I just don't get it... and my heart hurts.

This is a guy who would come up to my job just to see me for a few minutes... and call me like crazy when things were good. It's just hard to believe that it really might be over this time... like I mentioned, we have been on little "breaks" before... and not spoken for a week or so... but he says this time is "different"... I can't believe it. Could it really be? I don't understand how so much changes in the span of 24 hours.

I keep thinking that maybe his car will just be there one day as I am leaving work... so far, it hasn't... Am I really just kidding myself?

You want him back so he can continue to be selfish and treat you like a doormat ?
Ah... that makes sense.

You are celebrating your birth day...
A new period in your life...
Move on.

This does not sound like the most ideal person to be with.

But hey... if you like a selfish man then I think you have found the right one !


Happy Birthday !

Some times when we are in love with some one, we become blind to the point that the people we love take advantage of us and day after day we live not noticing what is wrong or right with our relationships. We must step out and look from the outside to realize what's really going on- on the inside.

I hope every body's message here helped you find the light and just in time for you to make those plans to enjoy a new beginning on a special day- Your Birthday. Go out with a positive attitude and with expectancy of a bright future.

Got this from some forwarded emails... :)

We call it love when we can't leave someone and see them crying as we
Try to let go. We are wrong, it's just pity. We call it love when
We're too attached and think that losing the one we love will somehow
Make us weak and unable to face to storms of life. We misunderstood,
Its just that we're too much dependent to them. We call it love when
We give our whole life to them, the wholeness of us and imagined that
If they leave no one would accept us and our past. We are mistaken,
Its just insecurity. But no matter what the definition is, the truth
Still remains that love isn't something you can bury nor beg. It is
Real and existing. You can't touch it but you can feel it in your
Heart. You can't find it, but it will knock before you when you least
Expect it to come. It can make you the happiest soul in heaven, but
Don't forget that it also can make you the most miserable person in
The whole universe.

:)

Your emotions are telling you to contact him, but the best course of action is to make plans for keeping your self busy, and not contact him at all. If he contacts you, what makes you think he will treat you any better? He may say he will, but actions speak louder than words. If he contacts you, do not respond right away, but make sure your composed and cool when you do. I honestly hope you move on, and stop his settling for his degrading ways. You deserve someone who appreciates your attentions with love and gratitude. He does not.


Talaniman... as most of the time you are right.

It baffles me to read how many women allow themselves to be treated in a way less than they deserve...

Where does this come from...
Women who love too much ?

Women are so incredibly picky when it comes to buying a pair of shoes or a handbag...
And when it comes to women I sometimes wonder...

Does this make any sense at all ?

I meant to write...


When it comes to MEN I sometimes wonder... why settle for less, why allow to be treated like a doormat...

Ai ai ai.

Sometimes I just don't feel like I will be ok with him not coming back, regardless if the relationship was good or not.
If you'd rather have a bad relationship than no relationship, you'll always have a bad relationship. When you can be happy alone, you'll find someone you can be happy with.

It baffles me to read how many women allow themselves to be treated in a way less than they deserve...

They are not happy with themselves, and do not love themselves, it goes for men as well as woman. Maybe they don't know how to love themselves. I don't know.

So it's officially my birthday... and here I am hoping that my ex will somehow show up at my job (like he often did... obviously before this last slpit.) To update... we were together for 10 months... currently on a "break/break-up" as he says he wants to see if he misses me and can find happiness elsewhere. CRAZY! So those who have read my other posts will say that this relationship was no good for me basically from the beginning... and at times, I see that. BUT I STILL LOVE & MISS HIM. He failed to acknowledge or acknowledged late many occasions (Holidays, Valentine's Day... etc.) PLENTY while we were together. How could I think that it might be different now that we're apart?? But somehow I am hoping that he'll show up and want me back... today, maybe? And here's the thing... since he was a putz and often didn't acknowledge holidays when he wanted to be with me... is it crazy to think that it would be different while we're "broken up??" If he doesn't make any contact for my birthday, am I to take it that it's really OVER?? We haven't spoken or anything for 1 week... So that, to me, means we're still in the 2-week period he asked me to "wait" for me... If nothing today, does that mean nothing ever?? It's hard to smile on my birthday with all these feelings... it's not fair to be enduring this heartbreak. It comes and goes... and sometimes I know I am better off without him... But then it comes again and I could drown in my own tears.

OMG! I know exactly how you feel. I waited for my ex as well to see if she would visit me at my job at least one day and surprise me but never happened. Just expect the best and you won't be disappointed. Yes the feelings come and go. It's a roller coaster. Keeping busy and dating is the only answer... Just make sure he doesn't know your dating because then you will never have a chance, but u can't stay waiting. Why put him on a high stool when your the woman and he's not putting you on the high stool. How old are you by the way?

Emo... I turned 31 today... although with all these heartbreak feelings, I feel like I am 12. Nightmare. When you say, make sure he doesn't know I'm dating, what do you mean? So many here say that it might make him want me back... Not that it is the only reason I'm considering it. I am just wondering if I don't hear from him during this "2 week" waiting period... is he really gone?

I'm not wanting to sound harsh at all as I have not read your other posts,but going off this one, there is no way I would wait for any guy that told me he was going to look for happiness elsewhere, that to me is a no go.
That's like saying I want to keep my options open and I will come back to you if I don't find anyone else.sorry if I am way off,it was just my initial thought after reading this.

You would hurt a lot less if you weren't so selective about what you remember. Sure you had great times, but he also tramped all over your heart, in a cruel evil way. How come you never remember that when you get all bleary eyed. How come you don't get mad for being mistreated. Next time play the whole tape, and not just the good stuff. Now forget jerky boy and enjoy your birthday with people who really do love you. Happy Birthday

Trips down to memory lane often make it all look nicer than it was in reality.

The guy treated you without respect.

Wake up.
Healing takes time.
Take your time.
Invest it in yourself.

Move on.

Happy Birthday !

I have been NC with my ex for just over a week... Sometimes I feel better and sometimes I feel like if I don't call him or go to him, I'll die. I miss him... and want him back. How do I know if NC is working? Sometimes I feel like I'm healing... but deep down, I know that I am hoping that NC will make him miss me and come back to me. How long does it take??

HurtingALot]I have been NC with my ex for just over a week... Sometimes I feel better and sometimes I feel like if I don't call him or go to him, I'll die.
That happens to all of us after a break up.


I miss him... and want him back.
That happen after a break up too.


How do I know if NC is working? Sometimes I feel like I'm healing... but deep down, I know that I am hoping that NC will make him miss me and come back to me.
No contact will not bring him back. Sorry but it will let you heal, if you do it right and its easy, just cut all contact with the ex., and move to other, more important things in your life.

How long does it take?? Sometimes a day, sometimes the rest of your life, only you can know for sure.

One thing I have learned from this forum is NC is not to get your ex back. It's for you to heal and make a wise and healty decision if or ex come's back. It's been 7 weeks since I contacted my ex fiancé. I think because of no NC she is missing me and driving past my house more often again on this break up, but my situation is different then yours. But I have my ups and downs and because of NC I'm starting to see her for what she is, but my heart is not fully healed and their's a slight chance I may take her back and if you read my threads you would say why? But NC's for you, not him.

Does it work, does it not work? Who knows. Sometimes NC is not best in all circumstances, sometimes it is. The only thing you need to do is heal. NC will help with this so in a few months/years how ever long it takes you can make rationale decisions without the confusion of having contact with your ex.

If anything will happen in the future with your ex this is through some time apart to allow you both to have some independent living and learning. Treat this time in your life as a growing period, a lesson, time to work on what you want from life as this time will not always be around for you ;P Your only around once, so don't waste it.

First, let me apologize in advance for this rant. I am just so upset all the time and it doesn't seem to be lifting. I am a busy girl, with a full-life and plenty to keep me busy. I have many friends (all of whom think I am crazy for letting this breakup make me so crazy... ) When I think back to the 10 months that my ex and I were together, there were really good times... and really not-so-good times. The relationship, all in all, was not a good one, when I can see it for what it was. The problem is... now that he has said he thinks it's over, and wants time to find happiness elsewhere, I am devastated. This man is selfish and egotistical... cannot get along with my friends or family, because he thinks he is above everyone, made little-to-no effort with my son, and overall was a drain on me emotionally. NOT GOOD. Why then, now that we are on a "break" or whatever this is, am I such a freaking mess?? I am constantly wondering what he is thinking, doing etc, even though I am pretty sure it's not much of anything, since he's pretty much a loner and has only 1 friend on the planet. I am wondering if the someone who obviously caught his eye is spending time with him... or if he is thinking of me at all, while I suffer. These thoughts consume my days... and I find little happiness in anything. I am currently talking to someone else I recently met... and it's going well. Think he's a great guy... but my heart is still so completely with my ex it is impossible to think of being without him. I keep waiting for him to realize what he lost and come back... and from reading these posts everyday, I know this is not the right thing to do, but I can't help myself. I am wondering if I need to go and see someone about this... I feel stupid, that I can't just let it go... What is wrong with me? Do these thoughts and feelings EVER go away? I feel like I am losing my mind. I just want him to come back and hold me and tell me that we can make it better. HELP ME!! I swear, if it weren't for these boards, I think I would just cry all day and night... Which is just crazy since I have so many other wonderful things in my life. What is wrong with me??

Quite frankly: it may be way too soon for you to see some other guy... you are obviously not healed from the previous relationship.

Spend time with your son and get back on a stable track, feel good without a man in your life and take a deep breath...

Move on.

There is nothing wrong with you. These are all normal feelings. My ex fiancé broke up with me 3 months ago. Although it is getting better for me, I still miss and
Love her and her son. My ex was also selfish but soon as time goes buy you will start to see him for what he is. Not completely but start too. But if you don't let go you will never heal. About 3 weeks ago I let go of her and things started getting better. But your going to cry, feel lonely, hurt, feel anger toward him, hate, happy without him, pray he come's back, anyalize you/him in the relationship, miss and love him. I'm 3 months post break up, I still do have all those feeling still but they are not as bad as it was the first month. Once YOU decide to let go the real healing process begins. And trust me when I say this. She/I did no contact with each other for 6 weeks then I emailed her on her Birthday. That was the worst mistake I made, because I went rite back to square on. One suggestion is, that has helped me is read this forum and if you need to vent this is the rite place to be. So if you come home and cry all night that's normal. It's been a couple of weeks since I have but as tal would say and a lot of other people grieve when you have to. Don't hold back. But you will be fine.

I'm afraid that all the advice you have got so far on this is 100% correct. I came here 7 months ago with the same thought process. Most people do have false hope to begin with and No Contact feeds this thought process.

8 1/2 months post breakup and I have not heard from my ex. It was over the day we broke up. I spent 3 hard months in that false hope phase but eventually came out on the other side. It took around 6 months before I started feeling emotionally healthy again, less depressed and more positive but none of this would have been achievable if I refused to let go of that false hope which luckily I did not.

I can tell you that No Contact is for healing those wounds, for beginning a process of moving on. It is hard to accept but No Contact will not bring your ex back..

It all takes time and I always say this, Time really does heal, it just takes a while.

Thanks again to all who are answering... I know that the whole NC thing is for me, more than anything... although I am not sure that I am healing all that much quite yet. Question though... I have also read over and over that contacting my ex will only drive him away more and for longer... It is best to leave him alone, so that if he's going to, he can see what he's missing? Still correct?

First, let me apologize in advance for this rant. I am just so upset all the time and it doesn't seem to be lifting. I am a busy girl, with a full-life and plenty to keep me busy. I have many friends (all of whom think I am crazy for letting this breakup make me so crazy...) When I think back to the 10 months that my ex and I were together, there were really good times...and really not-so-good times. The relationship, all in all, was not a good one, when I can see it for what it was. The problem is....now that he has said he thinks it's over, and wants time to find happiness elsewhere, I am devastated. This man is selfish and egotistical....cannot get along with my friends or family, because he thinks he is above everyone, made little-to-no effort with my son, and overall was a drain on me emotionally. NOT GOOD. Why then, now that we are on a "break" or whatever this is, am I such a freaking mess???? I am constantly wondering what he is thinking, doing etc, even though I am pretty sure it's not much of anything, since he's pretty much a loner and has only 1 friend on the planet. I am wondering if the someone who obviously caught his eye is spending time with him....or if he is thinking of me at all, while I suffer. These thoughts consume my days....and I find little happiness in anything. I am currently talking to someone else I recently met...and it's going well. Think he's a great guy...but my heart is still so completely with my ex it is impossible to think of being without him. I keep waiting for him to realize what he lost and come back.....and from reading these posts everyday, I know this is not the right thing to do, but I can't help myself. I am wondering if I need to go and see someone about this....I feel stupid, that I can't just let it go.....What is wrong with me?? Do these thoughts and feelings EVER go away?? I feel like I am losing my mind. I just want him to come back and hold me and tell me that we can make it better. HELP ME!!! I swear, if it weren't for these boards, I think I would just cry all day and night.....Which is just crazy since I have so many other wonderful things in my life. What is wrong with me??????
I went through the same thing. Sometimes it's just the way your going to feel. Moving on is good. If you were happy with him, and keep worrying about him, I think you are still in love. Try to take it a little at a time. I think you should just move on and if he comes back to you, do what your heart says.

Question though... I have also read over and over that contacting my ex will only drive him away more and for longer... It is best to leave him alone, so that if he's going to, he can see what he's missing? Still correct?
While it is true that after a break-up begging and pleading usually turns people off, and they run for the hills, a dignified break up may make a partner think fond memories, and there are some who think they made a mistake, 90% of the time the dumper has made up there mind, and has already started to move on. I also think that dwelling on what an ex may, or may not think, is a waste of time, since the dumpee is in shock, and may not be thinking all that straight anyway.

While it is true that after a break-up begging and pleading usually turns people off, and they run for the hills, a dignified break up may make a partner think fond memories, and there are some who think they made a mistake, 90% of the time the dumper has made up there mind, and has already started to move on. I also think that dwelling on what an ex may, or may not think, is a waste of time, since the dumpee is in shock, and may not be thinking all that straight anyway.


And also Never Assume Anything as tal once wisely advised me...

Great work Geoff your doing well!!

What has happened here is thatb you are feeling what is called shock after abreak up. Pretty much you are feeling like you have no value at the moment and really nothing in life can make you happy but you feel like you would be able to live life much more and wish you could go back to when you were so happy if only he comes back you will be fine. And I'm sure you would.

I noticed you said you had a lot going on in your life before this which helps but at the moment since he has done this you need to think as straight as possible cause this relatio doesn't sound to health anyway. You will get better but he definitely put you in this agonising position but think of it like this if you can. HE Wasn't WORTH IT HE DID SOME STUPID STUFF.

Anyway dontb think what he is doing to many people do that and stuff thiss up he is probably at home wondering what your doing. That's what you need to think he isn't got many friends he will be missing you. PEOPLE DONTFOGET THERE EXS IN A HURRY GUARABTEED!!

Hi Hurting, Please remember that a week is not a very long time! It will take much longer than this to even get half over them!

Please stay strong! We're all here for you whenever you feel weak.

Try to keep your mind busy! It can only get easier!

Good Morning Everyone... I need help... again. It has been about a week and a half since NC started... We are supposedly in this 2-week period which he asked for, to see if he misses me or can find happiness without me. (Told me that if I needed an answer now, then it's over, but he'd like me to wait the 2 weeks... ) I am dying. I feel so hollow... and sad. The tears come and go... my thoughts of him always are racing. I wonder what he's doing, what he's thinking, if there's someone else in his head... I am making myself nuts. I have been really good about not contacting him to this point... but I miss him so much. The relationship was really not so good... but there were lots of things that I loved about it too. I am thinking of going to his apartment tonight to try to talk. I want to know if he is indeed, thinking of me or not. I want to know where he is in all of this and if he's missing me. I am afraid of what the answers might be... and if going there/contacting him will just make me suffer longer. I also know that if he wants to reconcile, it should come from him... even if I could get him back tonight, it wouldn't be because he initiated contact, but what if he never does. What if it's really over? I can't bear it. Please help. I want to see him so badly it physically hurts.

I just answered this but my post has gone?!

I am making myself nuts.
You sure are, and any contact now would make it worse. You are in shock and denial of your situation, and unless you get a hold of yourself, you really will be sick. It is so unhealthy to have your whole life wrapped up in one guy this way, especially since you admit the relationship wasn't that good, even though you had your moments. Stop fooling yourself, and accept he is looking for something else, and move on with your life. Don't you know how futile it is to make someone be with you? That's not love, and your acting like a dope fiend who needs a fix.

Tal... you are right... (again... )... (Blunt, but you are usually right on!) I just wonder how long it will take before these moments of complete despair will end. Why can't I just move past this and see it for what it really was? He was not good to me most times, he was not good to my son... isolated me from my friends and family and has severe depression/manic issues... Why does it still hurt so much? I deserve better than this. Why do I care so much about what he's doing & thinking? What if he's not thinking of me at all? :confused:

Thank you talaniman..
I posted in some of your other threads about this... but now I have to change my mind a little.
If this guy has asked you for two weeks, please try and respect that, you have to realize that he needs time alone without contact, he's trying to figure this out in his own head,and if he has asked for time, at least give him that.
If you show up at his place tonight you will blow it, it will show him that you are too impatiant to respect his whishes.
Nobody can say if he is thinking about you, I'm sure he is as this is the point he needs time to think without you there.
If all you are going to do is show up when he has asked you not to it is only going to be a bad thing in the end.
Give him the space he needs, I know, it hurts like hell, I've been there,let it run its course.

Fix-What-You-Broke... Thank you. I am in a calmer head (for the moment) and am convinced that going there tonight is a bad idea and I won't do it. Question for you... since he said "If you need an answer now, then it's over, but I would like you to wait the two weeks", do you think he really IS thinking? I don't want to kid myself if that was just his way of letting me down gently... What does it mean?

I will try and put it in perspective for you, its not the same situation as yours granted, but its about space and time.
Like every couple my man and I had our ups and downs, one time I managed to hurt him quite badly, and because of that fact he wanted to be alone for a while, because we live together, and the nearest town is 11 miles away, the only place he could go to be alone was upstairs to our room. Hours passed, those hours turned into days.
I respected his wishes and left him alone, I slept in the spare room, by the third night I was so much wanting to go upstairs and put my arms round him and tell him we could get through anything together, but even though it hurt me not to do that, I still left him alone.
By the fourth night he appeared, we sat and talked, and he thanked me for giving him time alone as it helped to clear his mind.
I believe if a person asks for time alone to think you should give it to them. In my partners case he told me he used that time to think of our time together, and to think back on our relationship, and we both believe it was a good thing.

If he is saying if you need an answer now its over, to me that means he has made himself clear, and if you disrespect that he will walk away.

I think he might really be gone... I am thinking that even though he asked for 2 weeks, he hasn't made any effort to contact me. Is this because he is still pursuing "happiness" without me? Has he found it? Is he seeing someone else? Am I to assume that he really doesn't miss me at all? The hope is killing me... I keep hearing that I need to stop hoping for him to realize and come back. I am just miserable.

After what I said in my post above I have nothing else to say as I think I said all I could to make you realize about giving him space and how it could work out for the better, maybe somebody else can help you... good luck to you.

I have posted in other threads... but am hoping for as much help and advice as I can get. I feel like I am not going to make it through this... (my head knows I will... my heart is completely unsure.) It has been a week and a half since our "break/breakup" began... NC... and it is excruciating. Most nights I have been unable to go to him... (probably lucky... ) but tonight I would normally be with him. I want to go so badly... and wish he would just say that everything is going to be OK. The hope of him coming back to me is driving me (and everyone else) insane. My gut is telling me that since he has made no effort to contact me... that is truly is over. The thought of him being with someone else literally makes me gag. (I can't eat or sleep... ) Is the story in my head better than what is actually happening? Why can't I stop waiting for him to come to me? I am going crazy. How can I allow someone to have this much control over my emotions? It is all I think about.

It would help if you got off that pity pot and do something with yourself besides moon for some loser. I'm starting to think your full of crap now, and seeking attention, because all you talk about is your hurt, and even after acknowledging your toxic relationship, here and other people's posts, you still persist with this degrading line of posting and totally ignore the good advice given, to repeat the same tired crap. If your not going to help yourself what do you expect us to do? Now buck up, and get a life or go back, and be miserable. Your choice now make it.

I had to add that any one as needy as you are really should be working on your issues instead of worrying about a guy you are pushing away with your unhealthy needs. Talk to some one preferably a professional to guide you through the process of making yourself happy instead of depending on others to do it for you.

Whoa... Tal I was not expecting those responses. You have been blunt in the past... and I know that I am probably driving you (along with my close friends) crazy with all this drama, but I assure you that I am not simply attention-seeking. I wish there was a way to make it all go away. I truly do value all the opinions and advice I have gotten through these boards, it is certainly not my intent to make anyone angry with me. I am just really suffering... and not sure as to why so much. I am not a stupid person... I'm just not sure why this is affecting me as much as it is. I am so sorry for frustrating you. If you can imagine how frustrating/hurtful it is to me, (maybe you can), maybe you could be less angry.

I don't think tal is frustrated with you, I think he just wants you to open your eyes and see what is in front of you

You have no idea how much I wish for the same... NO IDEA. It is no joke feeling this craziness... When will I be able to see it for good?? The clarity comes... and then it GOES... far far away.

You have got through over a week, I'm sure you can get to two weeks... then you will get the answers you are looking for

I think when you or anybody came to this web site you were looking for people to tell you yes he's coming back including me. I wanted people too tell me yes she will be back. At first that is not what I wanted to here. I would sit here rite down every little bit of info about her so people would say yes she's coming back. The reality of it, he's GONE. You need to come out of your shell and listen to what people are telling you or you are going to be miserasble for a long long time. Trust me I know what you are going through and everyone else here listen to them. Because if I didn't listen and Tal giving me a kick in the butt, I would be at square one rite now.

I need to say thank you, again, to everyone who has answered my posts. I know that I can be a lot to handle... and for this I am sorry. I am just trying to get through this, anyway I can. Like I said earlier, there are such moments of clarity that make me think I am so much better off... almost like he did me a favor... But then, out of no where, the other side comes back in and it seems to be so much stronger and last so much longer. I am beginning to think that I'm just as crazy as he is. Time... time... time... Breathe is all I can do. I know this will get better... Everything happens for a reason... Everything works out the way it's supposed to, it always does, No Matter What.

No need to be sorry for how you feel. Those are your feelings and no one can change them except YOU. Like I said it's been 3 months and I still have those feelings, but their not as intence and my heart doesn't hurt as much. But if you don't start the healing process YOU will be just like you are 3 months from now. And I'm still hurting over her breaking up with me but once you let go of him it gets easier.

Stay calm... Go take a nice cold shower and tell me if you feel the same when you get out... Remember, if he broke up, it's up to him to contact you. As for you, you should find something to do like watch a television show and then go to bed or go out with a friend. It's going to drive you crazy for a while. If he broke it off, then you should think twice about being with him. If he was able to do this now, he will do it again later on... Believe me. You don't want him to know that you are dying for him, so stay busy and try for all the hope in the world to forget about him. ANother advice would be to go on youtube.com and search for "relationship clips" They show nice relationships and you tell yourself that your next one will be like that and that you don't have to worry. Believe me there is always ALWAYS better out there. Perhaps not the same, but different and better. Good luck, tell me how you're doing. I'm going through the same thing and just telling you how I'm getting by.

If it helps you I am currently in exactly the same situation too. I think about him all the time and I love him so so much. I can't bear that it might be over - I can't even really believe how its possible that he is my one and only and he doesn't feel the same. I guess now we have to try and be strong and sensible. Someone else on this site reminded me to focus on what else I want in life and work towards it. We will be happy again.

I know you are all right about all of this. For now, I know that I need to focus on getting my head and my heart in the same place. I need to focus on me getting to a better place so that I don't make myself really crazy. We never know what the future holds for us... but until then, I need to make my own way.

I have posted in other threads....but am hoping for as much help and advice as I can get.
You can post all the threads you want and YOU are going to get the same answers from everyone.


I feel like I am not going to make it through this.....(my head knows I will....my heart is completely unsure.)
If you don't start listening to what people are saying your NOT going to make it through this.


It has been a week and a half since our "break/breakup" began.....NC....and it is excruciating.
Yes, Your still in shock and you are in the early stages of breakup


Most nights I have been unable to go to him....(probably lucky...) but tonight I would normally be with him.
Don't think about it


I want to go so badly....and wish he would just say that everything is going to be ok.
Why he treated you like crap


The hope of him coming back to me is driving me (and everyone else) insane.
If you don't start to heal it's going to continue and you may start to looseing friends like I did when my ex broke up with me for the first time.


My gut is telling me that since he has made no effort to contact me....that is truely is over.
Then move on.


The thought of him being with someone else literally makes me gag.
I still feel the same way?


(I can't eat or sleep...)
Your still in the early stages and Yes, I still have trouble.


Is the story in my head better than what is actually happening?
In the early stage I thought of us getting back just to mak emyself feel better but I don't do it all the time because it's unhealty.


Why can't I stop waiting for him to come to me?
Again your still in early stages and once you let go it's not as bad


I am going crazy.
If you don't let go you will.


How can I allow someone to have this much control over my emotions??
Because you are letting him. Let go!


It is all I think about.
So did I in the beginning, but as time goes on it gets better.

Get used to the occasional shove when we see you get stuck,:eek: and we are here for the long haul,;) you just have to grin and bear it.:D

I'm sure I just answered this... (scratches head)... go to the other posts you have made and read the answers,just because it's a different thread it doesn't mean you are going to get any clearer answers

Hurtingalot: Sometimes I feel like crying while reading your posts... It's really sad to know you are going through this. You must pray a lot. Im sure you still think of the good moments, but the moments will come back with someone else... Look at 60 year old people. Do you know how much heart break they have gone through? They are still alive and some are still smiling. Don't let this one man in a world of billions make you a sad old woman. Have fun and let go and in the end you will be the happiest person in the world. It's not about money or looks or anything. Show me your happiness and I'll show you what you're worth!! You can do it and I know you can. In fact if he ever calls you, ignore him this time! I'm sure he won't and if he does it won't be to get together so do yourself a favor. Pray and let go little by little! You are a woman and you have a strength that us men don't have, so use it to your advantage. There is a guy out there somewhere tonight feeling the way you do and hoping to someday find you. The two of you just don't know it yet!

You will be fine.

It just take time.

Stop the drama.

You are driving yourself nuts.


Take a deep breath and one day at the time...


Good luck

It will get better doesn't seem like it now. The best thing to do is try and do something to take your mind off it or lay down and try and have early nights in bed. Go swimming have a massarge have a spa

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1347759
Even though I merged 3 of your post to cut the confusion, you still have 9 in the last 6 days. When is enough, enough. The only thing left to do is or me to warn others, and start deleteing all your duplicate questions. So last advice is go see a doctor, and beg him to help you.

Yep... hurtingalot is driving herself nuts.

Why are you so surprised that he has not contacted you during these two weeks when he clearly asked you for this time to think? You shouldn't even be expecting to hear from him yet. If after the two weeks are up and still nothing, then you can start to wonder about it.

We don't know if he is thinking about you. We don't know if it is over. We don't have a crystal ball. But yes, based on what you have posted, this relationship may truly be over. It hurts and it sucks, but you have to prepare yourself for that possibility without falling apart like this. If you have been this dependent on him all the time and in such a frame of mind as you can't live without him, he may well be overwhelmed and indeed want out of the relationship for good. We have all been through breakups and yes it's hard. We know and we understand.

Surely you must have been through breakups before? Think back how you got over them. If you show him this needy side of yourself by contacting him and crying and begging and wanting to talk before he is ready, you will ruin any slim chance of a reconciliation (if one exists anyway). Even if you do get back together with him, is the relationship really THAT great or are you just panicking at the thoughts of not being in a relationship? I suspect the latter. I think that you need to work on your neediness and dependence issues if any relationship you are in is ever going to work anyway. Neediness is one of the biggest turnoffs in any relationship. Anyone will tell you that. So even if you do reconcile, you really need to work on that if you don't want this same thing to happen again.

I don't know your life story or your history, but you sound like you don't have much personal strength, patience, or sense of independence (or much pride really). You really need to work on developing them. If I am wrong, I apologize. But I am just going by what you post. You might want to see a counselor and work on these things so you can handle life's ups and downs better. You may even need to be treated for anxiety and panic attacks so you don't drive yourself nuts over this. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

You keep saying over and over again that the relationship wasn't that good, so why drive yourself crazy with this?
My last relationship was a bad one,when it was over I felt relieved.. so I don't understand.
Give him the two weeks like he asked, then contact him and talk about it.that is all you can do. I feel like I have answered this question multipul times just in different threads, and if you are starting different threads it means you are not getting the answers that you hoped for.posting different threads on the same topic isn't going to get more answers its going to pee people off...
My partners ex left him one day and never came back, he got no explanation,other than a little note she left saying she was going to be with his friend. He was with her three years and she didn't even tell him to his face.she then moved abroad with my partners mate. My man had no choice but to move on. I know its not the same I'm just trying to tell you that sometimes relationships don't work out the way you planned... im sure he wanted to contact her a few times,but he couldn't becuaes one he didn't know where she was and two he didn't have her new phone number... everyone has been where you are,its hard but its not the end of the world...
Please try and get a grip here and listen to what people here have been telling you.

Ok... so here's an update. I have been thinking a lot about what everyone here has said... (not surprisingly... It's pretty much what all my friends and fam have said... but I guess, sometimes it needs to be heard from people who are really on the outside) and my current situation... I think that I have come to some sort of a turning point. I realize that I am a good person, that I did nothing but try to do good in my relationship and was constantly putting my own needs aside to make someone else happy, and that I didn't deserve the treatment I got nor the tears or sadness that I am experiencing now. I wasn't very happy in my relationship... but maybe this relationship was brought to me so that I could learn more about myself. I have made an appointment with a counselor so that I can try to figure out what is in myself that I would accept such poor treatment in a relationship, AND miss such a bad thing so much! I know that I deserve much better than this... and I am hoping that a little time and self-reflection will make the difference. Thank you again to all who listened and gave their advice, even when I made everyone crazy... I truly think (and hope) and believe that I may be on the right path to recovery! I am not going to say that my tears will be gone forever on this... and that there aren't going to be rough times ahead... I can't say that I'm through this... but I'm going to get there!!

I have posted in other threads....but am hoping for as much help and advice as I can get. I feel like I am not going to make it through this.....(my head knows I will....my heart is completely unsure.) It has been a week and a half since our "break/breakup" began.....NC....and it is excruciating. Most nights I have been unable to go to him....(probably lucky...) but tonight I would normally be with him. I want to go so badly....and wish he would just say that everything is going to be ok. The hope of him coming back to me is driving me (and everyone else) insane. My gut is telling me that since he has made no effort to contact me....that is truely is over. The thought of him being with someone else literally makes me gag. (I can't eat or sleep...) Is the story in my head better than what is actually happening? Why can't I stop waiting for him to come to me? I am going crazy. How can I allow someone to have this much control over my emotions?? It is all I think about.
May I ask exactly WHY the break up happened?? It is completely normal for you to feel like this after a break up! All you need is time... lots of time-eventually you will just get over him completely! How old are you? Spend time with your friends.. meet new guys(that always helps get over the last one, haha) Spend time with family.. you will officially be over it in NO time... good luck :)

To catch up,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1349351

Something else I think I have learned... You are only responsible and able to control your own self. Not anyone else. If you always strive to do right... that is all you can do. I guess I need to be a little more guarded next time and only really give of myself when it is truly being recipocated. Spyher answered one of my posts a while ago... He said something along the lines that if someone doesn't show respect to others, don't be so naïve to think that he will respect you. This guy doesn't respect anyone. He is all about himself... a product of his bipolar... Maybe... but either way, I deserve more.

Good for you GF!

And you know what else? (God this roll feels good!! Hope it lasts... ) My mom has said for years... "People don't change...circumstances may change, but people don't." So... to me this means... that he was a jerk to me while in our relationship, he was probably a jerk to the ones before me... and he'll be a jerk to whoever happens to be next... He's 32 years old... this is who he is and he's not going to change... (at least without meds for his bipolar anyway... ) Well... GOOD LUCK... Let him be someone else's NIGHTMARE! I deserve better!! I certainly tried.

Hey I know its bad... and I have split up with my boyfriend a few months ago and I still want him back and can't stand the idea of him being with someone else... I have been dating guys and at the moment I'm going out with some really nice guy, but in my heart I know that I still in love with my ex... which does not help me to move on. I know exactly how you feel about it and I know that hard is to get through first weeks of break up... its terrible and you feel like you want to die...

It will get better:) you will feel much better soon, just stay strong and think that everything is only for the best. If its faith he will be back sooner or later, but you can't hope on it, you have to move on. Its hard but everyone has been in such situation and it is not the easiest time... but we all will be happy at the end:) just let him go...

So I am struggling again... (it's always worst in the mornings... ) The weekend is here, and I would normally be spending it with him. This weekend will make the 2-week mark that he said he wanted to "see if he misses me." Am I supposed to call him to find out what's going on? Or should any first contact come from him? I am thinking that maybe his pride would make him not call and I should contact him... My heart hurts, but my head says that if this is ever to work, he needs to realize some things and come to me. Help?! My heart is telling me to go to him... I've given him the 2 weeks he asked for...

I would wait for him to contact you Trust me if he still cares for you HE will call you. If he doesn't come back you will stuggle for months and months.

I am sad that the weekend is here and we won't be together... It hurts to think that if I don't initiate contact, that I may never hear from him again. My head tells me that if that's the case, then I am truly better off. BUT IT STILL HURTS SO MUCH.

I also know that in order for any of this to even come close to coming back to where it needs to be, He needs to be missing me as much as I am missing him. Tal would say, You're a fool, girl, he is not. In my head I think this may be true... but my heart keeps yearning for it to be otherwise. I imagine time will tell and I just need to be strong. It is so hard.

I am already talking to two other girls. One I banged to see if I could get over my ex more quick, but I was honest and told her that I can't do that to her anymore. But she likes me. The other we are just talking and I think I could make her my new girlfriend if things keep going well. I'm not sure... but I'm going out tonight and looking forward to that. I can't keep miserable. Last night I listened to a christian station while I went to sleep and I had the greatest sleep in a long time! God is good all the time. Keep God first and this will be easier. Go to church! Push yourself. Don't let your ex enjoy that you are hurting. Let him know he made a mistake. If you just wait for him, he won't care at all. Move on and that's the only way he will realize his mistake. If you find someone else and you are happy then too bad for your ex, you are better off anyway. No girl deserves to be treated like this. Good luck hun!

I think its true and we have to learn to be on our own. We have to learn do things on our own and try to be happy again... but sometimes it could be really hard. I know you can loose loads of your friends because of you going about it all the time. So you have to stop yourself if you feel its too much, but you need to talk about it too, because you just can't keep it inside!! No way!! You will go mad and its not healthy.

I see my ex every day now and its hard to deal with it sometimes, but today I have said hello and we had a friendly chat... it was nice and we both had smiles on our faces... I still love him, but he doesn't know that, I would not want him to know it now. He is going to France this summer and then he has his new life after uni ahead of him. I think I should let him go and think about my life. I don't think there is any chance of us getting back together ever again... so I think its better to forget. I have to be honest and say if he say he wanted me now back in his life, I would say yes... but would it be the same again I don't know. Its true if he didn't want me from the beginning, why would he want me now? I have to be honest with myself and I think we all have to be honest. Its all only for the best:) Good luck with getting over with your ex's and always think of future, not the past!! Its gone... move on;) And always remember you are not alone in this big world and we all coming through such stages in our life;) be strong!!

HurtingaLot... Did he ever curse you out? Hit you? What was wrong in the reltionship exactly?

I honestly don't think I loved my ex the way I should. But I know it's because the way she was. I'm noticing this after 2 months. I loved her sure. But not the way true love should be. I am crazy about her body and her personality, but she was really mean to me. I remember during the relationship I wanted to do so much more for her, but I wouldn't because I knew she would be bad with me again. I gave too many chances. I told her to swear and not curse me out, she would the next day. Even in front of my brother. I loved the sex we would have but I'm sure it would be good with the next one too. I was a freak. I liked her feet on my face while doing her, I liked her choking me a little and I miss massaging her. The taste of her liquids. It was really passionate love but it was not at all healthy. I miss playing basketball with her, and the pics together and times together in my car and grabbing her butt every time she walked out and her telling me to call her. It was great but she left me which gets me mad because I should've been the one to left her. Just hope you get my message, that as special as you think something is and as much as you want something, it doesn't want you back so why continue. Honestly I loved her way too much. She could've cheated on me and I would've taken her back. I did anything for her. At any time. I helped her study till late and wed go out to eat. It was great having a girlfriend, but I was sad a lot and she disrespected me way too much and soon enough I was doing it back and I hated it. We messed up the both of us. She made scenes anywhere. I couldn't stand it but I dealt with it for a year and 6 months because I loved her and I didn't care how she treated me because when she would kiss me and give me an eskimo kiss and make whining dog sounds, she won be back all the time. I know it wasn't healthy and I'm sure I will find someone who loves me completely and respects me!

Ya emo, I still love my ex but she yelled at me a lot and didn't do anything for me and toward the end I didn't do as much for her because of that. Maybe I should have told her how I felt. And what you describe above kind of sounds like me except the choking part?
We were together for alomost 5 years but the past 3.5 she was some what mean to me. I think she held back so I wouldn't dump her A**. But she would yell all the time at her mom and son.

Hey whether she dumped you or you dumped her, they are ex for a reason. Leave them exed out. We had them, enjoyed them. Someone else can have our sloppy seconds. We did the best we could.

He was def. verbally abusive. There were so many times where I woud walk out of his apartment at night and ask myself... "What the hell am I doing, that's it! I can't do this anymore...." But I would always go back, 'cause there were good times too. I miss his hands, his deep blue eyes which I thought I could see straight to his heart through... I miss the sex (it was good... ) He is smart and funny, I miss his laugh. I don't miss how h thought it was OK to talk to me like I was an idiot... or how he isolated me from my friends and family... I don't miss the fighting... but I miss the making up. I guess I am afraid that he will become a good boyfriend to someone else... He is not social... in any way, but has told me how he will put on an act until he "snares" someone else... (his words... ) Do these people ever change? It would kill me to see that he has actually become a good person with someone else/for someone else. I wonder if he'll find what he's looking for, if it even exists. But most of all, I wonder if he'll ever realize how much I cared for him... with all of his faults... (not that I don't have my own... ) and that I truly thought we could have been happy together. I miss so much, but don't miss other things. He certainly gave me plenty to not miss... I don't think his take on our relationship would be the same since I was nothing but good to him. Does he ever see it and realize what a mistake he's made?

Just need some reinforcements... I def. should NOT contact him, right? We are nearing the 2-week mark of "time" that he said he wanted to see if he misses me. My heart is wanting to go to him and see what he's thinking. My head is saying that if anything, he NEEDS to come to me. Suggestions on making the right choice here? I am afraid that he might be really gone this time...

But these questions are not letting you move on. You know what I do all day? I go on YouTube while I'm bored here at work so that I don't hang myself... lol I watch videos of romance and different movies to let myself know there is so much more out there. I make plans for tongith. I get myself haircuts and please myself since she can't do it anymore. I don't look at her pics and I don't even check her myspace, because I know I will get jealous and I don't want to bring any feelings back. I'm doing good on this process and I'm with you here just like you are with me and Thank you for that. I want to help you the most I can. In every relationship there is good and the bad. Of course you miss him so your seeing the good. You think of the bad but you just really see the good. I know at times it comes and goes like a roller coaster, but just remember that you are suppose to feel this way. You are going through the process and you should be happy. We are both young and I'm sure we may fall in love again and it might happen all over again and be hurt. But knowing we got through this one, will help the next one. And maybe God is putting us through this to get ourselves together to stop depending and then truly finding the perfect ones for us. I think the miserable people are the ones who kept what should've been disposed. So let's be strong so that we can let the right one in and stop wasting our time on losers who don't deserve us. Please stay strong and know that this is def. for the best. I can see you writing here 5 months from now really happy with your life!

I think everyone def misses the sex but remember he was verbally abusive and no one dserves that. With my ex I never cheated, hardly went out to bars with friends (maybe 10 times in 3 years) aways working on her house, bought nice things for her, nice dinners, was good to her and her son, Hardly ever yelled at her,did everything she asked me to do. I wasn't good enough for her again. Know she's sniffing around again because she new she had it good with me. But only thought of herself and I don't believe people change unless they really want to. Like me I was willing to change me for her a**. You can lead a jacka** to water and expect him to drink it. But trust me he's not going to change and years down the road you'll see him miseable with someone else.

What is bothering you is that in your mind you hope and wish that there is hope for reconcilliation... right? You desperately want to get back together. Is he dead or in a coma... Has he indicated that he just needs time to think or has he actually cut the strings and ended it? If you don't know than you need to find out because the stages of grieving process can't begin until you know it is actually over FOR GOOD.

Hey... take it easy... by getting reaffirmations from people over and over again, not going to get you anywhere I guess... it hasn't so far... I guess you need to make a separate diary and write all this down... because this forum is not a diary and people can't keep writing the same stuff for you again and again... you're definitely upset and not thinking rationally as what you should do... naturally none of the advices have done the trick(quite unfortunate though)... so I suggest... vent all this frustration in a separate diary and then think about it with your own mind... one day you will sail through. Amen!

Hey I think you should defiantly go and speak to him... you should know where you stand!! It will make worse if you are going to sit around and wait for him to come and tell you what he wants. You can't just do it and its unfair on you:( Listen I have been there myself just a few month ago and I had loads of questions on my mind and it didn't give me to sleep at night... I was absolutely sad... and you know what I did?

I went to see him and said everything what I felt and ask him to answer on all my questions. It helped me so much and I could move on. It was hard to do, but I did it. And though he knows now that I love him... I don't care... I have done everything possible to get him back, he didn't respond... well now I have to move on, I can see he isn't interested and never probably was. I know how hard it could be, but you have to be strong for your own good. Do it and you will feel so much better, talk to him and you will see how much things will get clear. You have to be ready for everything though and it doesn't mean you may get back together, but its better for you to know there you stand. You have to know! Best of luck to you and all my best.

I am afraid that he might be really gone this time...
And this is at the bottom of all your fears. You need to recognise that after all the bad stuff he puts you through, you still cling to him like junkie on dope. You willingness to wait to see if he can be happy with another is degrading, disgusting, and unhealthy. The fact you wait for an outcome is... beyond stupid. If you don't have the esteem to look out for yourself then you need more help than you can get here and hope you do. Close this chapter in your life and move on. There can be nothing good in even considering taking him back. Dumb idea.

It is a shame that we must suffer such sadness after a breakup. They say time heals... It is really difficult sometimes. Some days are better than others... but the bad days can definitely be BAD! 2 weeks, NC contact. It has been really tough at times, and I have fought myself from going to him. A bad relationship that needed to end, I guess. But it still hurts. Can't wait till I am finally over it!

OK you summed it up near the end
A bad relationship that needed to end. Truly I'm sorry to hear that is where you've just come from it really sucks when things hurt but the real secret here is to somehow distance yourself from your pain and realise that this situation where you are right now was inevitable

Look to the future, imagine what it holds for you
Almost anything you want is possible in this life this universe
Start thinking about what you want in a future relationship and see how that feels by comparison to how you feel now...

By the way this is guy logic here so I might be out of order with what I'm saying, I just hope to be somehow helpful!

It is a shame that we must suffer such sadness after a breakup. They say time heals....It is really difficult sometimes. Some days are better than others...but the bad days can definitely be BAD! 2 weeks, NC contact. It has been really tough at times, and I have fought myself from going to him. A bad relationship that needed to end, I guess. But it still hurts. Can't wait till I am finally over it!!
Just because the relationship was bad doesn't make it any less difficult when it's over. I feel for you. Before I met my dream man (who still isn't perfect by any stretch but worth the effort) I had a lot of bad relationships. It was hard. I remember one particular time I was driving away from my boyfriends house after he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was he thought I wasn't all that I had made myself out to be. (?? ) I still don't get that statement. But anyway, he told me he had been cheating on me and I wasn't even worth him taking the time to tell me he didn't want to be with me. He was harsh and there was no reason for it. I'm a decent person and did nothing but adore him. Anyway, as I'm driving away, tears pouring from eyes, I see a bridge abuttment and all I can think is speeding head-on right into it. Obviously I decided against it and I am so glad I did. That heartache was totally worth it when I see now what I got out of it. I'll never know what really happened in his mind to end our relationship and be so cruel about it. But I learned a lot, gained some perspective and matured a little more. Everything that we go through in life shapes us into the person that we will one day be. Sometimes it's all roses and fireworks and sometimes it SUCKS! If you didn't have your heart broken would you appreciate the next love in the same way? Would you appreciate happiness and good times? When you've cried for a long time doesn't it feel better than ever to smile?

Good luck! I'm sure you'll be just fine, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and silver lining around every dark cloud.

Just because the relationship was bad doesn't make it any less difficult when it's over. I feel for you. Before I met my dream man (who still isn't perfect by any stretch but worth the effort) I had a lot of bad relationships. It was hard. I remember one particular time I was driving away from my boyfriends house after he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was he thought I wasn't all that I had made myself out to be. (???) I still don't get that statement. But anyway, he told me he had been cheating on me and I wasn't even worth him taking the time to tell me he didn't want to be with me. He was harsh and there was no reason for it. I'm a decent person and did nothing but adore him. Anyway, as I'm driving away, tears pouring from eyes, I see a bridge abuttment and all I can think is speeding head-on right into it. Obviously I decided against it and I am so glad I did. That heartache was totally worth it when I see now what I got out of it. I'll never know what really happened in his mind to end our relationship and be so cruel about it. But I learned alot, gained some perspective and matured a little more. Everything that we go through in life shapes us into the person that we will one day be. Sometimes it's all roses and fireworks and sometimes it SUCKS! If you didn't have your heart broken would you appreciate the next love in the same way? Would you appreciate happiness and good times? When you've cried for a long time doesn't it feel better than ever to smile?

Good luck! I'm sure you'll be just fine, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and silver lining around every dark cloud.


Cely if he was cheating on you whatever his reason to break up was just a crappy excuse to get out of the relationship anyway, glad to hear you met your dream man!!

Sometimes it feels like the misery will last forever. The good times come... and I pray that they stay... but the sadness returns. I can't wait to feel "normal" again.

You know what the best thing to do is right now for you? Keep yourself busy
Double book with friends if you have to get busy busy busy
Socialise, go out meet new people don't get too close give yourself a few months solo to explore how you feel.. try not to let the negative outweigh the positive because whatever you focus most on in life tends to manifest itself into your reality, which is quite an exciting thought when you consider it it means basically anything you want in the entire universe you can have, make sure you spend some time with family too, if these things don't work try some things in life you never maybe considered before I don't know learn to knit, or play a computer game or xbox or go for a drive to some area (hopefully a safe area! ) that you haven't checked out before, explore grow and develop your senses, indulge them try all the new foods in the world you can bet you never tasted every flavour of icecream ever made, just some examples for you... see if trying some of that doesn't change things, let me know how you went.. and by the way sorry for jumping on your post earlier without any info for you personally that was kind of rude eh? I was in a bit of a hurry... hopefully something useful came of this this time around!!

Hurting a lot... I feel just the same! I see people and try talking to them but nothing is like the ex, despite how they treated me, which is why I always ended up going back. I can't believe she left me and I remember ALL the times together and it's so hard to believe we couldn't work things out. Remembering the discussions face to face and all the effort and seeing her face, it's killing me!! Always trying for her and surprising her to keep her happy but it was too late I guess... It's so hard to believe this will happen again with someone else. I don't believe it. I'm just letting you know that I'm here with you still. Last week I thought I was fine, but today it came back strong. I want to stop thinking about her, since she isn't coming back. But we should be okay... ::Cries::

Lifes too short to worry. Go drive in your car with your best friend, with the windows down, hair in the wind, listening to loud MUSIC AND SINGING :p Sing your heart out and enjoy the Summer!! :P WOOP WOOP

Let's look at it this way... Your karma with that person was over... u know all of us are travelling in a train and that train is Life. A person hops in at one station, sits beside us, we talk and have a great time or the bad time and then his/her station comes, he hops out of train... so till that period, we enjoyed with the person, and the train moves on... if you look at it this way, self realization will soon come and you'll be glad you've been enriched with a certain experience to make you a better person. Do not hold on to people or things, they are tangible, will go away... so be strong,love, smile and move on... that's my theory which gives me strength... hope it gives you strength too.

So it's been a while since I've posted... thought I was making some progress... (Maybe I actually have... ) But spoke with the ex this weekend. (I called but didn't leave a message... he called back... twice... ) He confirmed that he isn't dating anyone... and that he doesn't know if he's happy or not. I asked for him to "fix us"... and he said it wouldn't be the same... I said, No... it can't be the same, it needs to be different... it wasn't all that great! He agreed. We left it that he might call me again... he was going out with his friend and didn't know when he'd be home... I know I should just move past this guy... But I can't help but wonder why he called... (once to return my call... ok... but the second time?) Does he think he made a mistake? Is he missing me? What do I do now? Do I go to him to try to talk again? He knows I want to make this work...

Can you see what calling him did to you? It's set you back months and in doing that it's made you hurt and sad all over again. If he was really missing you he'd have called before now. I dare say he rang back out of curiosity, but I can guarantee you one thing, bet he's feeling pretty good now!
Don't keep boosting his ego, look forward, walk slowly and happiness could be just around the corner with someone who deserves you! X

Don't keep boosting his ego, look forward, walk slowly and happiness could be just around the corner with someone who deserves you! x

This is an extremely important point made here. Sadly, this is something I did in the first couple of weeks after the breakup, ran after something that was gone and inflating her ego even more. What did it do for me?

Caused me more pain and heartache and confusion.

9 Months on and I can tell you hand on heart, time does heal albeit it is more of a matter of months rather than weeks I'm afraid. You never forget though, you heal but your heart carries a memory.

How can your heart heal if a memory remains?

Let's look at it this way...Your karma with that person was over...u know all of us are travelling in a train and that train is Life. A person hops in at one station, sits beside us, we talk and have a great time or the bad time and then his/her station comes, he hops outta train....so till that period, we enjoyed with the person, and the train moves on...if you look at it this way, self realization will soon come and you'll be glad you've been enriched with a certain experience to make you a better person. Do not hold on to people or things, they are tangible, will go away...so be strong,love, smile and move on.....that's my theory which gives me strength.....hope it gives u strength too.

I really agree with your perspective on life and relationships. I think maybe it was the analogy of us hopping on a different station in this place called life. It is so true, the time spent stays with you and it does make you better, if you let it. It is so tough to let go of people, more than things, because of the intimacy of just looking at someone in their eyes or feeling their energy being next to them. It is so hard to lose that, yet your theory gives me strength to smile, and continue to be open to love. Hard as it may be...

In response to your sadness, the train will keep going and you will have many more travelers come your way. They will be just as meaningful for even if they are with you for a brief time. Take from each one a sense of evolving and growing to the being the greatest person you can visualize. They were and are your teachers, whether you lose them by breaking up, or in death. We have to learn from the ones we lose, that is how we give it meaning and purpose and we have the strength to go on.

What if ex doesn't let you move on. I feel like I'm taking leaps backward now then from 4 months ago.

This is where the detachment comes in. Move on to fulfill your life with friends and family who do want to be part of your life. Sometimes unfulfilling relationships are just a matter of timing and heavy responsibilities. Sometimes the past obscures the possibilities for the present. Move on. Don't harden your heart if feelings are not mutual, but do free yourself from trying to earn the caring that should be a gift... Spread love and care to people who need you... and not to those who do not need you... right?

After a break up it is rough, but being selfish and serious about doing things you love, and being busy is the best way to move on. Time heals us, and being happy and forgetting the ex, is what stops confusion, and helps to move on. Not contacting them, or letting them contact you, may be selfish and rude, but its about you getting healthy, and getting your life back, not getting back with them. The sooner you can move on, the better you feel and the sooner you can enjoy your life. Look out for, and love yourself. DON"T BE STUCK ON STUPID!!!!

How can your heart heal if a memory remains?

I guess it was just a figure of speech but you know, you can heal but I think there is always a scar there. Hard to explain, you don't forget but at the same time, you feel more healthy, more free. You don't need to forget, although it depends on the memory but bad experiences can be used as a learning tool.

How can your heart heal if a memory remains?

Memory is a part of thought process and we are constantly thinking, so idealistically you will never forget just the way you would have fallen down in your childhood and got hurt... the scar remains not the wound, right! So as you grow, heart and wounds will heal... it's a process and will follow on its own... only if you take care of yourself... and let nature take its own course... close your eyes... and say" please forgive those who have hurt me and help me others forgive me..." say this aloud 3 times daily for a week... see what happens... it works.

Update?

See, what I believe is "what happens in life happens for some reasons" .If that relationship is broken down then it means you deserve someone better than him.
Forget it and engage yourself with some other activities.
Enjoy the life.
The person who has gone you cannot call him back, let him go away .
Life is a test innings and not a one day cricket match .
Life is a long journey.

I can honestly say I haven't had as many experiences in my life since my ex broke up with me. Seriously she's missing out and I am not that bothered. Go on holiday, go new places, book some festivals, seriously because Ive had so many experiences with other people and I've traveled about and kept myself busy I am finally starting to get over it. She no longer consumes my thoughts every minute of the day. More like brief glances back when I am alone or not doing anything.

So the key is to keep busy and experiencing FUN fun things.

Ok... so here's the update. After 2 1/2 weeks of NC, I called him... No response. Thought it was definitely over... and I was suffering, but I guess I "began" healing... Even went out on a casual date (awful... my heart was definitely not in the right place... ) About a week and a half ago, I called one more time... didn't get him, and I didn't leave a message. But lo and behold... he called back... Twice. We spoke briefly... and even met the following week, briefly. No real resolution to our situation... and I was still suffering. After a phone conversation last Monday night, I decided that it was truly time to let this go. Thought he just wasn't into me anymore... and that I had seriously began wasting my time. SO... On Tuesday morning... I had decided that it was over FOR ME. (And I actually felt OK with this... ) Then the phone calls start coming... He calls about 10 times on Tuesday... I spoke with him BRIEFLY... and told him Goodbye and Good Luck to You. Tuesday night, he calls another 4 times... and when he doesn't reach me... he shows up at my house to talk. This story is long enough and I won't bore you with the details... but he says he doesn't want to let me go... He had a lot going on and needed some time to sort things out... blah... blah... Has gone out a few times with friends... no dates... not interested in anyone but me. We decide to try a lighter side of dating... Nobody dates anyone else... but not a crazy BF/GF commitment like before... just see what happens. So that's where we're at. But here's the thing... I'm not even certain that I want this so much anymore. He is still as selfish as ever... although he doesn't speak to me abusively anymore (or yet... anyway... ) I am just thinking that maybe he's just not that great after all! After all that drama!! Tal said in a post once, something to the effect of "we sometimes chase so much after what we want....that in the end we're not even sure what it is that we are getting...." This is so true! I got him back... he came back to me when he thought I was really done with him. Great... now what?! Maybe it was supposed to happen this way so that I could finally be finished with him without all the heartbreak... I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here... or how the story ends... but that's where I'm at right now. Tal... I'd love for you to let me know your thoughts... but please be nice! I'm still sensitive!!

No thoughts on my update? I would love some input! So many people have helped so much on this board... I really respect and value your opinions...

I totally know what you mean. Sometimes when you get what you wanted, it's like you don't want it so much anymore. I guess the whole, keep a woman guessing is true... lol Now he wants back and you know it so it's not the same anymore. Or it could just be you realize it's not all too grand anymore. I have hoping to feel this way also someday. Where if she comes back, I wouldn't want her... I'm pretty sure it would be that way too. I feel happy today... I have no idea why. I guess because I cried and thought so much of it yesterday and the good wise words from the people in this have helped. Good luck. And remember to not just jump in... It seems like you have the upper hand now. Keep pulling a little. Don't be quick to respond to his every need. Once again Good Luck and stay strong!

Thanks Emo! It is so good to have found people that we can share our "stuff" with... the good, bad and the ugly! It is so helpful! As far as my relationship goes... I'm definitely not so sure about having the upper hand at this point... (although it would be nice! ) I guess I'm going to try to just ride the wave and see what happens... while trying to not get in too deep and get hurt all over again. Maybe I'll meet someone else and get the heck out of this drama once and for all! We shall see!

One way to look at it is now that he wants you back you are in control now. I would go out with other guys and keep him on the back burner. If you can't handle it or find someone better you can always go back to him. But I think you'll find someone better. I know this sound selfish to do this but he didn't care about you when he broke up with you. But what ever you do follow your heart and think about your future with him. It may happen again and again, like my ex does with me?

Sooner or later you'll have enough of the misery and pain, and decide for yourself that you would rather be happy. That goes for you both. (emo, hurt)

So Tal... /.in not so many words, you think I'm nuts for getting back with him? I am really not sure what to do here.

The fact that your not sure means, you need time for yourself and your own life and needs, before you need a relationship. Have you ever thought of making yourself happy??

I guess I need to figure out how to do that... I got very used to putting someone else's needs before mine. Tal... again you are right... a little BLUNT for my taste... but still right! I have some personal work to do... Maybe things will become a little more clear for me with some time and work for myself!

a little BLUNT for my taste...
Meaning what exactly??

I know what you mean. They do say time heals... but you never forget. Sure the pain goes away, but the memory is forever engraved. I am going through a similar situation. Come to find out that the guy I was with for 1 year was leading a double life. He had been sleeping with his ex wife the whole time and lying to both of us throughout. The funny thing... I never even knew he was married before. We had talked about marriage even to the point that he flew with me to meet my parents who live in another state. So if time heals all... how do you forget such a betrayel?

It can be hard to "get over" a person, because hey, its an entire person!
But, if a relationship is hurting you, and you feel that that person is hurting you, it needs to end, or be fixed.
Every time you get rejected, or dumped, or break up, that's one relationship closer to the final one, the one in which you will fall in love completely, so look at it this way, you've narrowed it down, you've thrown back one of the fish in the sea, and it isn't going to bite you again, unless you want it to, maybe, the next fish will be better, but even if its not, that good fish is out there, waiting for your bait.

Hello everyone... I am back after a while. (I have been reading... just not posting. Things were going OK and thought I could give you all a break from my drama! ) Anyway... I am back. THE UPDATE... For those who don't know my story, here it is in a nutshell. Had a relationship with a guy who was pretty much a jerk most of the way through. (9 months.. ) Don't get me wrong, there were good times too... (guess there always are at some level) but the bad far outweighed the good. Of course when he says he wants a break/break-up, I am devastated... and fall to pieces. That's where this board came in and without the daily input from Tal, Geoff, Emo and a list of others, I don't know how I would have made it... (as it was, I think I just barely did.) SO... after about a month, he contacts and says he wants to try again, but differently. (Of course... stupid me) agrees and we get back together. The getting back together bliss was pretty short-lived for me. I was happy to not feel heartbroken anymore, but the relationship (and his behavior) was/is pretty much the way it was before. (SURPRISE... ) Anyway... after a few more fights, I decide this is crazy and start seeing other people. (unbeknownst to him, or at least so I thought.) I know that this was of course wrong of me to do and I should have just ended it with him, but I still am into him (for whatever ridiculous reason) and don't want to let him go just yet. So, this goes on for a couple of weeks and I think that all is going OK. We haven't been seeing too much of each other but this is OK with me since it affords me the opportunity to go out with others without lying to him etc etc. SO... last night, he calls and says he wants to talk about us. Long story short, I find out that he recently met someone else as well and supposedly met up for the first time this past week. He says they had dinner, a peck goodbye and nothing else happened. I think I believe him. He doesn't know if he is going to see her again and assures me that he's not trying to replace me, as I am still his girlfriend (for whatever that's worth... ) We later talked about how I have been seeing other people, and he says he has known, he's not particularly happy about that and therefore, feels justified in seeing this girl himself last week.

He says he doesn't want to totally "end" us... he thinks that we can work something out... But I told him I'm not OK with being with other people if we're really together.

Sorry about the LONG story... I'll get to the point. If I am seeing 2 other people who treat me so much better and there is actual future potential with, why does it kill me to think that he also had a date with someone else? I know deep down that there is no future with this guy. He is a manipulator and can be really mean and verbally abusive... yet after a year, I stay. I also know that I am not being totally fair to the other guys (the good ones) because I am still "stuck on stupid??!!" Why can't I just let this one go? I know he is bad for me, yet I can't seem to say goodbye...

HELP?! Please?! :confused:

You were together for a year... there are feelings still there and you have not taken time off to get over it yet. Its better to break it off with him now as you both aren't really serious and you are only going to drag out this breakup over a longer period. Clean break.

I would end it ASAP. The longer you drag this drama on the longer it's going to take to get over him. You are just wasting time and NOW your emotional heart ache you are going to go through again. I would say your goodbyes then end it.

To be brutally honest (and I hope you won't hate me for this) you don't really want to let go. There's something you're still hanging on to, some hope or desire for a future with him. Your feelings come from an amazing amount of conflict inside yourself. If I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that you don't want to be alone, and in order to be with the new guy you have to let go of the old and that scares you because what if the new guy leaves and then you're alone?

Unfortunately, you can't stay where you are. Relationships require a lot of faith and hard work and trust. You know the old guy isn't what you want, so you have to start taking responsibility for yourself and your desires.

I hope you understand I don't say this to be mean. You have to look inside yourself and think about what it is with the original guy that you want. And whatever it is, is it worth all the other stuff you have to deal with to have it. If not, let him go. Say to yourself, I don't want this, I want something better, something happier, something that satisfies MY NEEDS. Maybe the new guy can give you that, he certainly sounds like he's doing a better job of it already.

Letting go is the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn (and even now I struggle with it.) I see the same issues inside you. Don't let the fear run your life. Choose something better for yourself, even if it's to say to the original guy "Let's make this work, but we need to be better to do so." Take a stand for yourself and what you want. :)

Hello everyone...I am back after a while. (I have been reading....just not posting. Things were going ok and thought I could give you all a break from my drama!!) Anyway...I am back. THE UPDATE.... For those who don't know my story, here it is in a nutshell. Had a relationship with a guy who was pretty much a jerk most of the way through. (9 months..) Don't get me wrong, there were good times too...(guess there always are at some level) but the bad far outweighed the good. Of course when he says he wants a break/break-up, I am devastated...and fall to pieces. That's where this board came in and without the daily input from Tal, Geoff, Emo and a list of others, I don't know how I would have made it....(as it was, I think I just barely did.) SO....after about a month, he contacts and says he wants to try again, but differently. (Of course...stupid me) agrees and we get back together. The getting back together bliss was pretty short-lived for me. I was happy to not feel heartbroken anymore, but the relationship (and his behavior) was/is pretty much the way it was before. (SURPRISE...) Anyway...after a few more fights, I decide this is crazy and start seeing other people. (unbeknownst to him, or at least so I thought.) I know that this was of course wrong of me to do and I should have just ended it with him, but I still am into him (for whatever ridiculous reason) and don't want to let him go just yet. So, this goes on for a couple of weeks and I think that all is going ok. We haven't been seeing too much of eachother but this is ok with me since it affords me the opportunity to go out with others without lying to him etc etc. SO....last night, he calls and says he wants to talk about us. Long story short, I find out that he recently met someone else as well and supposedly met up for the first time this past week. He says they had dinner, a peck goodbye and nothing else happened. I think I believe him. He doesn't know if he is going to see her again and assures me that he's not trying to replace me, as I am still his girlfriend (for whatever that's worth...) We later talked about how I have been seeing other people, and he says he has known, he's not particularly happy about that and therefore, feels justified in seeing this girl himself last week.

He says he doesn't want to totally "end" us.....he thinks that we can work something out....But I told him I'm not ok with being with other people if we're really together.

Sorry about the LONG story....I'll get to the point. If I am seeing 2 other people who treat me so much better and there is actual future potential with, why does it kill me to think that he also had a date with someone else?? I know deep down that there is no future with this guy. He is a manipulator and can be really mean and verbally abusive....yet after a year, I stay. I also know that I am not being totally fair to the other guys (the good ones) because I am still "stuck on stupid??!!" Why can't I just let this one go?? I know he is bad for me, yet I can't seem to say goodbye.....

HELP????!!! Please??!!:confused:
I know exactly how you feel. I was in the same predicament for the last year and two small children were involved in my mess. I loved this guy like there was no tomorrow I've asked here you can read my questions as well and found out after the fact that he had been sleeping with at least 5 different women including his ex wife. I tried to kill myself for what reason I have no clue. If my friend hadn't been there to stop me I probably wouldn't be here right now. I just felt so stupid for not realizing the signs and for putting so much effort into our relationship. He still calls me all the time and we've seen each other every weekend for the last month or so. I can't seem to shake him. I think about him constantly and it doesn't get any better. And every time I see him I melt again. I just try to take things one day at a time. Hopefully it'll get better one day.

Thank you thank you for your thoughts. I know that I really need to let this one go, but it is still hard. SDJosh, you are right, it's been a year... So even if we're not "really serious" (though I think I definitely was more serious throughout until recently... ) it's still a year of both of our lives?

SAB... You were there for me then and now that I am back... so thanks in advance. I know that I should let him go... but I love/lust him? Not so sure anymore... When I am out with either of the other two (great) guys, I sometimes find myself missing stuff about him, when I should be giving 100% of a chance to something different.

Haplo... Dead on about fear of being alone. I know I was holding onto him before because I didn't want to be alone... but now that there are better options for a real relationship/future, why can't I just cut my losses with him? It is crazy to want something that continues to hurt you over and over again and diminish your self-esteem and expect that somehow it will be different the next go at it... (The actual definition of insanity, I think! )

I just don't want to hurt anymore... period. Heartbreak is NO JOKE!

i know exactly how you feel. i was in the same predicament for the last year and two small children were involved in my mess. i loved this guy like there was no tomorrow i've asked here you can read my questions as well and found out after the fact that he had been sleeping with at least 5 different women including his ex wife. i tried to kill myself for what reason i have no clue. if my friend hadn't been there to stop me i probably wouldn't be here right now. i just felt so stupid for not realizing the signs and for putting so much effort into our relationship. he still calls me all the time and we've seen each other every weekend for the last month or so. i can't seem to shake him. i think about him constantly and it doesn't get any better. and everytime i see him i melt again. i just try to take things one day at a time. hopefully it'll get better one day.


Kaj... I agree. Every time I see him, I melt too. It makes it almost impossible to let him go. And he always wants to "see me" to talk about things. I can never just end it over the phone, because he knows I am so weak when we are together. I know I need a clean break... but I wonder if the fact that I melt when we are together means we're supposed to be? Or am I just a crazy little school girl?!

Hurting it's been over 5 months since my ex fiancé broke up with me again. Their is not a day I still don't think of her. On the other 3 major break ups she did with me I was worried I wouldn't find anyone that's why I never let go of her. And when she came back on every break up I took her back because she was what I wanted. I didn't want her with nobody. But on this break up deep down she wasn't for me and I just wanted the hurt to go away. And when I let go a month ago I see improvements every week. But you have got to do this. Just imagine staying and getting married... Then divorced. And the only way to stop hurting is to completely let go. I have, and hopefully in 3-4 months I won't think of her and hurt as much. But have faith in yourself, I do.

The thought of him spending time with another girl literally makes me sick to my stomach. But I have been out dating other people... Hypocrite! I know what's good for one has to be good for the other... but it hurts. I almost wish I had never met him. It's been so much drama the whole way through. I should leave him to create such drama with someone else and be relieved to be rid of it?? But I am so selfish as to not want to share him... even though I know I shouldn't really want him?! He has brought very little to my life in the past year... I have given so much and mostly he has just taken. But, there's just something about him... gotta find a way to let it go for good.

Question... Is the fact that I have gone out with other people reason enough to believe that I don't really love him after all? If I really wanted it to be him... I wouldn't entertain the thought of being with someone else, right? And the same for him? Even though he calls me his girlfriend and him my boyfriend? Are we just kidding ourselves? Or is there really something more here, since we are talking to others, but keep each other around...

Hurting he sounds just like my ex, and all those other break ups I was just like you. It does hurt I know. And I wish I never had met her but in away I am I She did change me. Some for the better. I learned a lot from her about life, so maybe God wanted us to meet our ex's th find out who we are. And you are not selfish in not wanting to share him. It's called jealousy, And your jealous because you love him. Nothing wrong with that. But sometimes you have to let the love die down even if it's for the best.