OK...

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years - we have lived together in the past but about a year ago (we had been arguing) he said he didn't think it was a good idea for us to live together anymore as he didn't want us to argue anymore, we broke up for a couple of days and then agreed to give it 6 months living apart to se if it helped and then we would move back in together if it did. It has helped and we have got on brilliantly, I feel very much in love with him but the sticking issue in our relationship is that he seems very reluctant to try living together again.

I know it seems like I am placing a lot of importance on the living together thing but he has always been someone who doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't think about the future and this worries me.

I saw him last night and we argued because we spoke about living together and he said to me the words 'eventually' which is what he always says. I told him to leave and he went home at about midnight. I then sent him these e mails this morning.



"I need for you to make some decisions.

eventually is not a word i ever want to hear again, that and in a sec make my blood boil, because they mean nothing, eventually is a word that describes something a long way a way, the end of a journey or something.

Im already pretty much at the end of my journey - i told you before i am sick of waiting - you say to me that you dont know what the rush is but this IS the reason for the rush. I need a bit more security and for me that would be if we lived together again. I miss you loads when you arent there, its not been AWFUL obviously but i dont want this anymore, i dont want us going to our separate places - and if you do want that, then you need to question what you want from us, because if thats all you want then just let me go because it isnt enough for me.

It would break my heart completely to break up with you, i love you very much but on the other hand i think i deserve something more after all this time. I think i deserve for someone to know that they want to be with me, for someone to want to think about 'our' future and plan to move back in together again. It would also be nice for you to want to plan to move back in together again, deep down though fitz i know that you dont want this, this is the one sticking point in our relationship. I dont know what you are scared of, if this is a massive thing for you but we do need to get over this somehow. Im not the same person that i was when we first got together, I feel that if we did have a place that we could give one another space to go out and do our own thing - its no different now is it?

Please stop tellin gme what you think i want to hear and tell me how you honestly feel. If you still do not feel ready to give me a bit more after 3 years then we seriously need to think where this is going because im frightened to be honest.

also it would be good if you replied to this and actually gave me some proper answers, i need to know that you care about this as much as i do because at the moment it feels like me pushing and you keep trying to fobb me off - stop doing that, just be honest with me and be my friend. "


He replied with

" I am your friend. and i don't understand why or you're or what you're frightened of.

i don't really know what i want, and that is the truth. whether or not that's enough for you is your choice. i'm an indecisive, piece of sh1t. "


Ive told him that I don't think I can be with him anymore, I've waited a long time and we are really good together, I'm heartbroken because he seems to not realise how serious I am. This is my fault as I have always gone back to him and we've always worked things out. I told him id like to see him tomorrow night but he is going out with his work and will not change this.

Talk to him and see if you two are togther or not

He doesn't want to break up, he wants things to stay the same as they are. I need to see him really to talk about this all properly but for now I've said that I need him to make a decision, is it fair to keep me hanging on like this? To make no plans to build future together?

No its not fair...

It sounds as though it is time to tell him that it is time for him to make a decision. "Are we going anywhere with this relationship? Will we move forward or stay stagnant?"

After 3 years you deserve to know where this relationship is going and it is time to make some decisions.

If he is unable to make a decision then you are the one who has to make it. Tell him that you cannot continue to wait and that you have a life to live, with or without him.

I agree, I just feel sick. Really sick. I'm at work at the moment and I'm trying not to cry.

IM just devastated as we have a lot of fun when we are together, I trust him implicitly which is very important to me. I don't want to be without him but I know that I really shouldn't continue things if he cannot make a decision. Hes living rent free with him mum at the moment and though it has been good as we've been able to afford to do more things I need to have more security in our relationship. He doesn't understand this as he thinks that as long as we are together then I should feel this, but I am scared he will never make a decision

i agree, i just feel sick. Really sick. im at work at the moment and im trying not to cry.

IM just devestated as we have a lot of fun when we are together, i trust him implicitly which is very important to me. I dont want to be without him but i know that I really shouldnt continue things if he cannot make a decision. Hes living rent free with him mum at the moment and though it has been good as we've been able to afford to do more things I need to have more security in our relationship. he doesnt understand this as he thinks that as long as we are together then i should feel this, but i am scared he will never make a decision


Don't start crying it will just bring you down more... (I'm only 17 and I'm saying all these things)

He is living with his Mum? Hmmmmm, first red flag, unless he is a teen.

A couple needs to make decisions together, if he cannot make a decision it is time for you to move forward.

You see, what you get now is what you will always have if you get married. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

Not at all. And I know that. I've asked myself that question too. I am 25 and he is 24. I'm just not very good at breaking up with people, especially when I love him so much.

My Xboyfriend is 23 almost 24 he will be 24 on Oct the 11th and he is still living with his mom and dad and he's not paying rent... I know how it is to love some with all you hreat

You love him? Or you love the idea of him?

You need to tell him that although you love him, his indecision is pushing you to make a decision that is necessary. That you love him, but you cannot sit back and wait for him.

While you are both still very young, you feel that he is holding you back from experiences in life that you need to explore.

It is him I love, we have fun together, he's a lovely guy, I enjoy our relationship (apart from this) - I know we are young, but we have a pretty solid relationship and were best friends before we got together so he means a lot to me. We've got a lot of mutual friends, we've built a lot together, we look after a band and run a clubnight together and enjoy going on breaks together. Its just this one point... I feel like we agreed six months apart, he's pushed it on till now and still he's not prepared to give me any more though I have been patient. I think he believes that I will not break this off and that things will continue as they have done.



"im sorry but if you were about to break up with me, i would move heaven and earth to talk to you and spend time with you - you would rather let me down than let down your workmates that you see every day. I dont know if i am going to go on saturday - i think i need to make you see that i am serious this time. Though i love you as i just said, I think i deserve to know that the person ive just spent nearly 3 years with actually wants to make some plans - like i said, im not talking about marriage, im just ready to move back in together again and enjoy having our own place again.

You make me happy for the most part, its just this, and if i could close my eyes and just pretend that im ko with your indicisiveness then i would but i have done that for months now and it has come to a point where it is neccessary for me to make some decisions. I cannot respect you if you do not make a decision, my resentment will grow and it will be impossible to have a relationship. On the other hand, we could get a place, see how that goes - id feel a lot happier about things and I think we can be happy together. I have relaxed into our relationship, you have your freedom and i have mine and i would not expect that to change.

I want you to decide, but it is over if you cannot."

I saw him on Thursday evening, we talked. He thinks we would argue if we lived together but personally I think this is a screen because he feels that if we move in together that would be settling down. Our relationship is pretty good in every other way. Las t night I went out with my friends, he went out with his workmates - we discussed that he might come stay back at mine. Anyway, I tried to call him at about 11 and got no answer, I think he was in a club - he text me at 2am to say that he was going back to his mums as he has no clothes at mine. Thing is, I don't understand why on earth it is so hard for him to contact me before I go to sleep to let me know what's going on. I walked home las tnight alone and crying because I feel like I don't have a relationship. After this amount of time I feel less secure now than ever before. When he calls me this morning I am not going to answer. I have never been one for playing games but I feel that he has every thing he wants and I need to shock him somehow. I am not strong enough to break off with him, I am going to basically see the summer through and then decide how I feel. In the meantime I am not going to be there when he wants me, I'm feeling quite angry at the moment and I'm determined to make him work for me, and not the other way round as it has been for quite some time.

Have you been living apart for 6 months already?

Yes. And I know I may be stupid for hanging around. He says that he loves me and sees a future for us and he's not sure why I put so much importance on living together, but for mei just feel like I should have more commitment from him at this stage.

He has text me this morning and said that he was in a bar underground but that he should have text me before and that he is sorry he didn't. I haven't responded. Im going to try to not be angry when I do finally see him - later on today we have a clubnight on that we run together so I will see him then. He pursued me for 7 months before we got together, we were best friends and he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, he treated me like a princess. He still doesn't treat me badly really apart from this, he will go out and not tell me his plans, I think from now on for the time being I am going to act like I did before we got together, I'm not going to hassle him, I'm going to get on with my life, not jump every time he calls and I'm going to make him work for it again.

not at all. and i know that. ive asked myself that question too. I am 25 and he is 24. im just not very good at breaking up with people, especially when i love him so much.



Well... nobody is :)

Listen... don't wait for other people for things to happen.
This person does not know what he wants...
What are you going to do ?
Sit around and wait till he is ready ?

Good luck

He still doesn't treat me badly really apart from this,
He is perfect, but he can't commit after all this time.

I think from now on for the time being I am going to act like I did before we got together, I'm not going to hassle him, I'm going to get on with my life, not jump every time he calls and I'm going to make him work for it again.

This sounds like a plan of someone who loves themselves and deserves better than they are getting. Love it!!

<<

Think from now on for the time being I am going to act like I did before we got together, I'm not going to hassle him, I'm going to get on with my life, not jump every time he calls and I'm going to make him work for it again.>>


Exactly do that. Keep a firm step behind and find your own happiness.
He probably needs to find his own hapiness and work on his own issues for now, while living apart,

Forget the questions for now and just get on with your own life, 6 months more will see where things are going.

Meet new people, get new activities, don't depend on him for your hapiness as it seems like you have been doing. Live your life and don't be available every time he picks up the phone. Let him do all the contact, and let him pursue you.

We see one another obn arranged days - like ill see him usually fridays, sat and half of sun, then he comes to mine on tues and thurs - so should I stick to this do you think?

We are going away this weekend too, it was meant to be with friends but now its just us two, going to stay in a wig wam for the weekend! I think maybe it's a blessing its just us two now, we are going to go fishing, go quad biking and stuff like that. No TV no nothing and a very long drive to get there. Im going to try not to mention anything as I spent a lot of this weekend talking to him and trying to figure out what the problem is.

It only took you a few days to waiver. Let him go alone. Why should he have his cake and eat it too?? Why are you allowing him to have fun at your expense? If your going to go along with the program quite bittching.

So the only day you don't see him is Monday??
I personally think you are seeing him too much and always available. I think you should get busier meeting other people and doing activities.

For now just relax and enjoy your time with him.
Be the fun girl he fell in love with not the needy one who is desperate to move back in with him.
You are having too much fun with your own life remember (or at least this should be the case! )
From today stop the questions, rebuild your own life and never depend on a man for your hapiness, he should be part of your life not all of it.

It only took you a few days to waiver. Let him go alone. Why should he have his cake and eat it too?

Exactly!

Maybe I am crap, but what I mean is that I will usually contact him during the day by phone, if he's late ill call him to find out if he's OK, if we are out without one another ill usually text him to let him know what's going on, but I'm withdrawing all that.

I've got loads of friends and a good social life, even when I'm with him we see our friends a lot and I have my own friends too that I make time to see - most fridays we go out separately but meet at the end of the night. On Saturday we ran a club night and he got there at 4.30, I didn't turn up until 7 and ignored his calls where he was trying to find out where I was, I had a good night in the end. This little trip was already booked though and I don't think it's a bad thing to go and enjoy spending a bit of time alone and then making less time to see him after. Its all booked and paid for.

I am a fun and charismatic person and I'm still being that way with him, he says he knows what we have and he's not going to take it for granted, that he loves me etc. but actions speak louder than words. And I know I need to take that on board myself as well.

Naa you are not crap at all, don't think like that.
Don't worry I realise how hard this is for you!

For now try to keep a firm step behind him,
Don't contact him during the day, start to step back on your contact. Let him pursue and wonder about possibly losing you.

If he is having his cake and eating it too he does not have to worry about losing you.

No you aren't crap at all and I think you have a right to question his intentions and make them known and for whatever reason he should at least be talking about this. He isn't, and I think it's a shame that he expects you to have a good time with him under these circumstances this weekend. He gets what he wants, do you?? I just don't believe in smiling, when I'm pissed at some one. I would love it if you dumped his azz the night before, but I'm evil and I know it.

He is living with his Mum? Hmmmmm, first red flag, unless he is a teen.

A couple needs to make decisions together, if he cannot make a decision it is time for you to move forward.

You see, what you get now is what you will always have if you get married. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

Yes, if he is this flaky now, it will not change if you should get married one day. People do not change because they say some vows, that just gives them the "right" in their minds, to get even worse. If he just needs some time, try not calling him and see if he comes around. In the meantime, it is OK to cry. Your feelings have to go somewhere. Remember that you were you before you met your friend/boyfriend. Hope that helps!

UPDATE.

Things have been going well. In the end our friends could come up with us on the holiday so it turned into more of a fun catch up holiday. My friend had a word with my boyfriend (that I interrupted unfortunately) and I've been making him realise that he's not being fair to me. He still is worried that we will live together and argue but I honestly think I learnt a lot from the time before when we lived together, I have changed for the better, I'm calmer. We have talked through problems that we might face and talked about how we can deal with them. Also have agreed a date of 11th August to move in together again, which will be just after our 3rd anniversary. So fingers crossed. Im feeling positive. I think that we could keep on going like this but if he has no faith that we can live together then what is the point of carrying things on? Sometimes risks have to be taken and I'm hopeful that this will work out. Since we decided on the date I feel like I can be happy with him again, content.

Im still worried he's going to back out again but he has promised that he isn't. We shook hands on it :)

Oh very good! Keep us updated:))

Aaaand, we broke up.

Properly. About a week and a half ago.

We got back from a festival, my nan died the day after, he came over the day after that and we were talking, I could tell he still wasn't that up for living together so suggested a break for a while. It was my birthday the following week so that was rubbish, he went on holiday, came back and we talked, he believes he just isn't ready and that we are too different, that iwanted him to be different sometimes. So that's that.

Its his birthay today and all our friends are going out but I'm not going obviously. Ive been OK, think I've been through enough stress with him really. Just hurts hearing people talking about tonights party. Im worried I've been too OK. I was in robot mode for a few days, then one night I saw that he was planning this party and it annoyed me, because he used to hate having all his different sets of friends together, had a go at me last year when I tried to do a surprise for him - butthis year its fine seemingly - he's invited his entire Facebook and that made me really angry. That night I sobbed myself to sleep and I've been up and down.

Is this normal though? I don't understand my feelings. I miss him a lot, but I'm trying to look forward, I've planned a holiday with friends and I'm just trying to keep busy. I don't want to see him, but I know there will be a point where I do have to... it hurts thinking about him moving on, and being the lovely guy that he is when he wants something... he's a decent guy - but he didn't want to make plans and wasn't ready for anything.

Yes, these are normal feeling. You are probably going to hurt for a long time. My ex fiancé broke up 6 months ago, I still have really bad days still but their not as bad. I don't think of her all the time now. Instead of thinking of her 24/7 it's more 12/7 now. But do not contact him it will interfer with your healing process.

I don't want this hurt. I'm tired of it. I've put up with so much rubbish over the past year and I feel dumb in a way... I text him last night (I was hammered) and said 'i hate you for making me feel like the most special person in the world to now nothing.' he won't reply, I don't expect him too. Its just that I feel I did everything right and it still went wrong. I know sometimes these things just happen, but I was fun, I gave him space, we had a good sex life, I'm a genuine person and he's just chucked that away. His loss. I deserve better than what he was giving me, he made me feel an insecure mess in the end.

The bad thing about real life is no matter what you do or how hard you work, things can still screw up. We just have to stay with it. Sorry for your loss, but I really think some one better will come along, when your ready.