Okay, ill give you the background of the story to better understand my point. My boyfriend and I live together, I moved in with him like 2 months ago. Were talking about having a family & everything.. the usual for couples, so I was cleaning under his bed and in a shoebox that he has a piece of glass fell out and cut my hand, I opened the box to see what it was, and it turns out it's a broken picture of his ex girlfriend, then I came to find that there was a million more of her. They were engaged and together for 3 years but she left him for the guy next door believe it or not.. and now she's engaged and happy. Why can't he throw out the pictures, its pictures of when he gave her the ring, and just snuggle pictures like of them kissing and her and him at his house. He tells me he never really loved her like he feels for me, but do all guys say that and what do I do? I told him that a piece fell out of the box and he said.. U WERE SNOOPING THROUGH MY STUFF? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? He got all defensive. I didn't tell him I looked through it. Now its really bothering me and I don't know what I'm supposed to do? I can't stand that he has those pictures its drivingme up the wall.. and I know I'm supposed to understand that when he feels its time to throw the pictures away but they broke up a long time ago, like almost 2 years ago.. . can someone help me? Or at least tell me how to cope with it?:confused:

First of all that's bull , he shouldn't have those anymore especially since he is hiding them. I would just hide them, and when he asks you will know that he is wanting to see them and not over it, then you can move on as well p.s. he wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be

In my opinion he should not have to throw away them pictures. That was part of his life and she was obviously someone that was ver dear to him. They are memories of his life and what he has been through and in no way should he be forced to throw them out, and nor should he want to.

They aren't doing any harm. They are tucked away under his bed where no one can see them. Unless of course he has a snooping, jealous girlfriend. It isn't like he looks at them ever day and has them on show for everyone to see. They are out of th way in a smelly old shoe box.

Just because he has photos of his ex fiancé does not mean he is still in love with her. It just means that it was a part of his life. Just as you are. But the difference being you are a part of his present life. You go to bed with him each night in his arms. You talk about marriage and kids with him. He loves YOU now.

You need to understand that. That she is in his past and you are his present.

You know what as well, throwing them pictures away will not suddenly mean that she never existed. All it will mean is that he no longer has pictures of a period in his life. It won't make you feel any better either.

You just need to deal with and accept that he has a past, as I'm sure you do as well. And stop snooping through his private stuff too!

first of all thats bull , he shouldn't have those anymore especially since he is hiding them. I would just hide them, and when he asks you will know that he is wanting to see them and not over it, then you can move on as well p.s. he wouldn't be with you if he didnt want to be

I disagree with everything you say except for the P.S.

That is the only thing that stopped you getting a red one!! ;)

In time he will throw them out. I did the same thing, A relationship is like a part of you and pictures just helped me to remember, not saying that I wanted that person again but I would look at them and relize the good and bad time we had and things that I did that I would not do again to my current girlfreind, they were like a reminder. So talk to him in a civil manner and let him know that they bother you and put the ball in his court, go From there but like I said in time they should disapere.

But they should not bother her. It isn't like he is looking at them all the time. They are in a shoe box under his bed.

I have pictures of me and my ex from our travels all over the world. There is hardly a picture without her in it. Am I meant to throw them away and lose the visual representation of some of the best times in my life. I don't think so.

She has no right to be bothered by this. It is her who he goes to bed with each night. Not the girl in the show box under his bed. And frankly if I had a girlfriend of mine come to me in the future and tell me I had to throw out all the photos of me and my ex on our travels I would be sending my new girlfriend out the front door with a one way ticket!!

Okay, I can say it would bother me if I found pictures of my husband's ex girlfriend. Even though, if I look hard enough, I can find pictures of my ex. Double standard right?

It is no big deal. Just a part of history. He probably got on the defensive because he knew that he would have to defend himself and justify why he had those things.

I agree NowWhat that it wouldn't be a pleasant experience to find the photos but I think it is unfair to expect people to completely dispose of things from their past.

If you are comfortable enough in your relationship with your boyfriend or husband then photos of ex's etc should not pose a problem in my opinion.

But if you are talking about the women that your husband had an affair with then that is a completely different thing. No way would I agree with him having them. NO WAY! I would make him burn them in front of me. But an ex from before you guys met or were together shouldn't be a problem.

I understand how you feel but please ask yourself is this insecurity ? Just because he holds onto her picture doesn't mean he is still in love with her. Perhaps he just is moving slowly to get over her. In time, he will dispose of those picture. Its not a lot worth fussing over. He is with you now, allow him his personal space and you will see that in time, your pictures will be everywhere.

Sorry did I miss something? She is his EX girlfriend, he is with YOU now, so what's the big deal? I never understand when people want their partner to erase their past and forget everything that happened up until the point they met you.
My partner had a serious girlfriend before me, they were together about 3 years until she ripped his heart out, and yeah I would rather not have the thought of my partner was with someone else, but this is reality, he wasn't a virgin and neither was I, I knew he had people in his past, but he is with me now, I am the one he goes to sleep with every night.
What I am trying to say is this... he is with you, so why worry over something that happened in his past that is now over?. so he gets rid of the pictures... he will still have memories...

I burnt the pictures of my ex girlfriend in a ritual ceronmy (stunk out the room :(). The rest of them I deleted of my phone and put them in a file deep inside my PC. I deleted her phone number, all texts, put all the things which reminded me of my ex in a box including chucking away the presents she got me. I don't necessarily want to get rid of them. But in a few years time I will probably look back on the good times :P as I have done on other bad friendship breakups etc.

Nobody should have to get rid of anything.

[if he can't destroy the pictures than he's not over her even if it has been 2 years remember she broke up with him so he still has feelings for her no matter what he says because I guarante if she told him today she wanted him back hed go in a heart beat

[if he can't destroy the pictures than hes not over her even if it has been 2 years remember she broke up with him so he stil has feelings for her no matter what he says because i guarante if she told him today she wanted him back hed go in a heart beat
I so disagree with this opinion, and I think you are making too much of deal that is really none of your business. If he had a shrine built in the closet you may have a case but just momentos from his past are his and his alone. Try to get beyond the insecurity, and get over this. Not even worth a second thought.

Everything we go through is what makes us who we are. History is history. I would love to think that there was no woman before me - that I am the be all, end all. That is not the case. (Well maybe the END ALL) My husband wasn't the first person I fell in love with or had sex with. But, he is the only person I committed to spending my life with. Isn't that what matters?

I went through a similar situation with mt b/f. we got together and after 8 months moved in together. I was helping him pack when I found a box full of memories and photographs of him and his ex that he had been with for 7 years. I felt guilty for looking in the box but I needed to find out why he held onto them. He said it was just a large of his life and the pictures were just memories.He is with me now though and that's all that matters and if we ever break up there's going to be another girl finding our memory box.so don't expect him to forget her that's impossible and throwing pictures away is not going to help. If I makes you feel better start your own box

I remember when I was snooping around and found my husband's stash of pictures. When he came home from work, I told him that I found his pictures of him and his ex. I nicely asked him why he kept them and he said he never really thought about it. So I gathered up his pictures then pulled out mine and we sat down on the couch and went down memory lane together. No biggie. It's all in the past.

Of course... technically you wre snooping.
But come on... how many of us women have not done that?
So don't give her such a hard time!!

On the other hand... it is also understandable that he reacts like this.
No matter how hard it is for you: this is a part of his life... it's the past.. it is over.
I think that it's normal to hang on to photographs of a past unless that past simply unbearable.. in that case I can understand why somebody would not like to keep memories.

You will have to live with it.
You are the one who has to find a way to deal with this... ask him to put the box away and then try to forget that this box is in the house, because it will drive you nuts... it will.
And it is not necessary... you are the one who is with him and turning this into a bigger deal than it is... well, is it worth it ? Don't torture yourself with questions... "what if"... "does he"... It will not make you feel any less miserable.

We all have our past.
Some of us have better memories than other.
But it is what it is.
The past.
It is gone.
No longer.


All that counts is the present.

And you are in his present.

Accept it.

Don't sabotage your relationship with this issue.

And do all guys do this...
All guys I don't know... :)
But the ones I dated and lived with had photographs of their exes.
So do I.
Do I throw them out ?
No.
I keep them.
I never look at them, but I keep them.
If there's a fire in my house I will not take those as the most important stuff... but they are there...
And that's what it may be for your boyfriend.

Put lots of frames with photographs of the two of you on a table, create your own history together... these things take time.

But after all... we are only human.
And remember... he has become the person you fell in love with because of the people he met in his past.

Don't be afraid.
Just don't let it get you.

Good luck

Sypher - She should, and I would. Actually... Id wait until you were @ work... then burn them/ Rip them up... throw the remains all over your bed. Then "Take off".
You're looking for a puppy, not a girlfriend

This guy had this under his bed. That's a place you look for things to read or do when you can't sleep. Then you fall asleep thinking of that. I wouldn't put up with it, oh no no no.

I wouldn't trust you with a puppy let alone as relationship material. I predict a short romance and him running for the hills, since you have no respect.

I wouldn't trust you with a puppy let alone as relationship material. I predict a short romance and him running for the hills, since you have no respect.

Here's an overview


We respect each others wishes... He doesn't want me to go to bars... talk to those who do drugs... hang out with guys alone... or talk to any of my ex's
I don't. Because I do respect him.
And he respects me.
I found an old pic of his ex. He laughed and said he forgot he had it. We each held a side and ripped it in half... then again.
We have been dating for over 2 years... and will be married and less than 4 months.
Rule out the notion that he is with me for the sex... There isn't any until marriage.
See... Im that girl with him, that I mentioned earlier... That girl that he just picked.

So... your assumptions are incorrect...

Sypher - She should, and I would. Actually... Id wait until you were @ work... then burn them/ Rip them up... throw the remains all over your bed. Then "Take off".
Youre looking fo a puppy, not a girlfriend

How could this be misconstrued as mature? Why would you ever think that is acceptable in a relationship?

It seems to me quite the opposite. Your happy in your current relationship because he will do what you ask... If he had objected to throwing away that picture, your telling me you would have walked away from a 2 year relationship?

Im with tal.

There is something Im trying to say that yorue not getting. If you love someone, you want them to be happy and at peace at all times. If your girlfriends emotions are less important than some old pictures... you need to consider your priorities.

SnaveLeber: Your finace was willing to tear them up. Xglamousx's boyfriend may not be. I wouldn't want my pictures torn. Pictures are irrelevant in a real relationship. So are you going to erase the pictures in his mind too? You can't erase someone's memories and history just because you're in the present. Those are the very things that make a person.

I think you have to remember that your husband or boyfriend had a life before he met you.
If phone calls or visits came along with the photos - get mad or worried. But a picture is a picture. It can't talk to you or hold you or any of those things.
My MIL still has pictures of my husbands ex-gf in the photo albums. Not because she likes her even a little - but other family members were in the pictures and they are memories. Do I expect her to go in with an exact-o knife and cut her face out? No. It makes me laugh and ask my husband "what were you thinking?" and my favorite "you should thank God you met me - I am way cutier than her!"
It is not a big deal. It is not a big deal. IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL.

SnaveLeber (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/snaveleber.html) : There is something Im trying to say that yorue not getting. If you love someone, you want them to be happy and at peace at all times. If your girlfriends emotions are less important than some old pictures... you need to consider your priorities.
(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/snaveleber.html)
Respect is giving someone the space to do what they want, and be who they are, and accepting and loving them because of it. The respect you have described here today is manipulation and control, and as you grow you will see the difference. Making mountains from molehills causes undo conflict from which you can never be comfortable, or happy and in learning communicating with a mate you will find that acting on insecurity and fear, is no way to have happiness with your mate. You will find that your idea of respect is note only smothering, but restrictive to growth within the relationship, and you guarantee a slow hard death to any feelings of love and co-operation, so necessary for long term healthy relations with your mate. You may be happy with burning old pictures, but what about the feelings of loss from you b/f, and also if he does not agree, what will you do when he refuses to do as you say? Will you compromise or demand? Good luck with making demands and ultimatums, as your relationship, devoid of respect will not last past the first disagreement.

Respect is giving someone the space to do what they want, and be who they are, and accepting and loving them because of it. The respect you have described here today is manipulation and control, and as you grow you will see the difference. Making mountains from molehills causes undo conflict from which you can never be comfortable, or happy and in learning communicating with a mate you will find that acting on insecurity and fear, is no way to have happiness with your mate. You will find that your idea of respect is note only smothering, but restrictive to growth within the relationship, and you guarantee a slow hard death to any feelings of love and co-operation, so necessary for long term healthy relations with your mate. You may be happy with burning old pictures, but what about the feelings of loss from you b/f, and also if he does not agree, what will you do when he refuses to do as you say? Will you compromise or demand? Good luck with making demands and ultimatums, as your relationship, devoid of respect will not last past the first disagreement.


Well... I spoke to my fiancé about this...
His reply?

"Well... maybe the guy kept the photos because the old gf wasn't so bad. I don't think this girl actually put all the information to the table. What I think happened is this girl was looking at a box of photos of this guys past... and the pics of his ex were in that array.
About the guy getting defensive about snooping... he had all right. All though I personally don't care what you look at, in my room my car or my computer.... Some people do care, thus that should be respected, just like you don't like me to read your journals, i don't.
What you need to understand is that they need to rename that forum you've been going to, to "Ask secular society" because thats what it is. They don't know anything about our relationship, or you.
Yes... you can be insecure sometimes but thats something that Ive learned to put up with because we have respect for each other, and there's so much stupid crap you put up with about me. Society doesn't understand what a real relationship is, Ash. They look at their selfish desires, not the other persons emotions..."
So... He is in agreeance with everyone... except the chick that wrote the post.

Respect is giving someone the space to do what they want, and be who they are, and accepting and loving them because of it. The respect you have described here today is manipulation and control, and as you grow you will see the difference. Making mountains from molehills causes undo conflict from which you can never be comfortable, or happy and in learning communicating with a mate you will find that acting on insecurity and fear, is no way to have happiness with your mate. You will find that your idea of respect is note only smothering, but restrictive to growth within the relationship, and you guarantee a slow hard death to any feelings of love and co-operation, so necessary for long term healthy relations with your mate. You may be happy with burning old pictures, but what about the feelings of loss from you b/f, and also if he does not agree, what will you do when he refuses to do as you say? Will you compromise or demand? Good luck with making demands and ultimatums, as your relationship, devoid of respect will not last past the first disagreement.


Absolutely right.

First of all.... your guy shouldnt have gotten defensive. Relationships should be completely open and if my fiance' was that secretive I would think that he had something to hide... which in this case, your bf does.
I would tell him Yes, you looked through it. He needs to move on, toss them out. Because If he is emotionally in love with her... he is emotionally cheating on you. You deserve a mans all.
The sad fact is that guys seem to pick a girl. When they fall in love thats their girl, and no matter how much they seem to have moved on... thats their girl.
Maybe you need to move on to a guy that really does love you, and let him realize that this chick is GONE FROM HIS LIFE. Shes engaged,
And let him know that youre not going to fill his desire to not be lonely while he wants someone else.
This situation ticks me off...
Man... just say "You can have me or chase someone who doesnt want you - your choice"

Good luck

How does having photos of an ex make him a cheater? How does it mean he is still in love with him?

I traveled the world with my ex girlfriend. The Eiffel Tower, Venice, London, Rome, met the Queen and had photos taken with me and my ex in them. Am I meant to burn them all in some satanic ritual to make you happy?

They are my memories and my past. Get over it. Im with you now.

BUt in reality I am so glad I am not with you Snave. You have some massive issues.

Frankly if a girl made an issue of me having photos of my history, she would become part of the past pretty damn quickly. And I probably wouldn't bother keeping photos of her either because it would have been a huge mistake being with her in the first place!

Well... of course your reaction to your grls opinion would all depend on how SHE reacted. If she was all TOSS THEM NOW then you'd leave her, but if she was hurt by it yet left it alone, you might toss them just to please her. Its all about reaction.

I Wouldn't Worry About The Pictures You Are The One He Is With,you Just Keep Treating Him Good And Someday Those Pictures Won't Be Their Anymore!

.okay guys, thanks for all the advice, as well as the hostility. It turns out I asked him about the pictures, and he told me.. I forgot I had them, they've been under the bed for a long time.. he said.. if you want to.. you can throw them out.. he didn't even get mad, he was frustrated that night because he was at work and they were having a long night. I told him if he wants to he could throw them out when he's ready unless he wants to keep them, and he said.. we'll throw them out together. And now they are gone. Definitley brought us closer.. although it didn't make me feel better but I guess I was just being a jealous territorial girlfriend.

There you go. Just as we said. It changed nothing to throw them out. No matter whether he has them our not you still know he has a past that involved someone else. So get over it and stop being jealous or soon enough you'll have no one to be jealous over..

Personally I think he was weak to bow to your requests to throw them out. But it is his choice and one I hope he doesn't live to regret.

Good luck with everything.

I honestly think its wrong to use fear or insecurity to manipulate someone into a position to make you feel better. Once you start that then everything that makes her feel insecure will be subject to change. Personally you would have to talk it out before making me change or succumb to something that you really need to work on. Realistically what's the incentive to work on your insecurity? What's next that he has to change that makes you feel bad?

.okay guys, thanks for all the advice, as well as the hostility. it turns out i asked him about the pictures, and he told me.. i forgot i had them, theyve been under the bed for a long time.. he said.. if u want to..you can throw them out.. he didnt even get mad, he was frustrated that night because he was at work and they were having a long night. i told him if he wants to he could throw them out when hes ready unless he wants to keep them, and he said.. we;ll throw them out together. and now they are gone. definitley brought us closer.. although it didnt make me feel better but i guess i was just being a jealous territorial girlfriend.

I think you took a positive step in your relationship. Good for you!:p

-- ** before more people start to disagree, read my next post **

I think you took a positive step in your relationship. Good for you!:p

I actually disagree. I see this as a negative step. I think she has issues that rather than coming to a head here and being dealt with by the boyfriend have only been fueled. What happens next time when she finds out he is still wearing a pair of socks that his ex bought him for his birthday a few years back? Is he to throw them out too. Then that nice suit that she picked up for him at christmas. Burn it?

No, she has to understand that this was part of his life and nothing can change that. Not throwing out pictures or tearing them up together.

I think she has already learnt that. She already admitted that throwing the photos out didn't make her feel better. The only way to make herself feel better is to deal with her insecurities.

I actually disagree. I see this as a negative step. I think she has issues that rather than coming to a head here and being dealt with by the boyfriend have only been fueled. What happens next time when she finds out he is still wearing a pair of socks that his ex bought him for his birthday a few years back? Is he to throw them out too. Then that nice suit that she picked up for him at christmas. Burn it??

No, she has to understand that this was part of his life and nothing can change that. Not throwing out pictures or tearing them up together.

I think she has already learnt that. She already admitted that throwing the photos out didnt make her feel better. The only way to make herself feel better is to deal with her insecurities.

You're right Skell; I went back to re read what she wrote. I didn't catch that she said she didn't feel better.

Agreed. Now that she's discovered that it didn't make her feel better --she needs to work on why.

The pictures were not the real issues, her feelings about them were. That's what they both should hve dealt with, and rather than appease, honest communications could have opened a door to really solve her problem. As it stands, jealousy and insecurity will be back

I actually disagree. I see this as a negative step. I think she has issues that rather than coming to a head here and being dealt with by the boyfriend have only been fueled. What happens next time when she finds out he is still wearing a pair of socks that his ex bought him for his birthday a few years back? Is he to throw them out too. Then that nice suit that she picked up for him at christmas. Burn it??

No, she has to understand that this was part of his life and nothing can change that. Not throwing out pictures or tearing them up together.

I think she has already learnt that. She already admitted that throwing the photos out didnt make her feel better. The only way to make herself feel better is to deal with her insecurities.

He has shirts that his ex girlfriend bought for him, and I think they look great on him. His family always talks about her and themore I hear it, I'm starting to understand it is a part of his past, and I know he's with me now. I would never throw out the shirts. Ill be the first to admit I'm jealous, I hate it and I don't know how to fix it. I just want an honest, happy, & healthy relationship.

This time it is about the photographs... what is next ?

Jealousy can ruin a lot...
Don't let that happen to you.
It's a first step to admit that you are jealous.
Jealousy is insecurity...
We can all be a little insecure at times... whenever it starts to bother you and affects your relationship it can become damaging.

Work on yourself... otherwise an honest, happy and healthy relationship might become hard to achieve...

I have lived with somebody who was incredibly jealous...

I think we all have jealousy in us. I think it is natural. What you do with that emotion is up to you. You don't want it to wreck your life. A lot of people are also territorial. Again, it is what you do with the emotion. Just always keep the lines of communication open when it comes to things like this.

Absolutely agree.

Ha. I posted this when we first got together.. yeah, that was one of my immature moments in this relationship. I was wrong.. but it actually ended quite well.. he explained to me that when he decided he wanted me to move in he just put all the pictures in a box so that I wouldn't see them when I got there.. thats how the one that cut my hand got broken. He shoved them under his bed and forgot to throw them away. He gave me the box, told me here have a blast and me and my friend burnt them.. and that was like almost 8 months ago. Were expecting our son in may.. :) happy ending

I love happy endings. Congrats on the baby.