trujew
May 7, 2007, 07:08 AM
Hi everyone. For some of you, you already know my dillemma with my ex boyfriend. I've been writing a couple of times already about how I was dating a married man who was poly, but then we broke up. Where I am at today (now about three weeks since the breakup) is trying to maintain a friendship with him. I know, I know... many of you have said I should break all ties off with him (and I think you are all right). Problem being is that it's easier said than done. I know that if I keep a friendship thing going, its still a way of being attached to him but I feel its killing me inside to let go. I just don't want to let go!
Ugggghhh... I feel so weak and almost ashamed of my behavior but I feel so connected to this guy I don't want to lose him all together in my life. Meanwhile everything inside me says I know I need to break it off because I can't find true love (which I claim I want so much) with him still in the picture. I mean, I am trying to convince myself that maybe I could have a friendship with him. Anything in life is possible... right? I still have a friendship with my ex husband? The only difference between my ex husband and this guy is that I am still very much in love with my ex boyfriend. My ex husband I don't feel the love I used to feel with him.
I just don't get my behavior. Some days I am strong as an ox while other days I swear I act like a teen in love. I don't want to sit here and put myself down and or justify my actions because that doesn't provide for anything. I know counseling is a thought I am possibly going to pursue for this. I mean I sit here and write to you all and share myself and I do take peoples advice but not fully. I think perhaps I am just too scared to face being alone. I think that's it. I know that I deserve more than sharing my man with someone. But I feel so strongly connected to this guy I want to scream sometimes. I have met several guys over the last few months and don't feel what I feel with my ex boyfriend.
All right, well I am going to tell on myself right now... I ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend the other night. We had a talk the next morning about how we can't do this (or I should say I told him this). I know I shouldn't have slept with him but I feel so lost and empty inside.
I also feel like I am being selfish and perhaps taking advantage of the situation. One of the things we keep doing is talking to each other like we are sort of still together. We still say I love you to each other. In fact, this May 18th we would have been together a year and my ex said last night to me on the phone, that I better not make plans for that day because we are going out. I was kind of caught off guard and a bit weirded by that. He acts more of being in denial than I do. I think he really can't believe we are over. Even though we've had discussions about just being friends many times already.
Sometimes I think that just to keep him, maybe I should join a poly group myself. What the heck is going on with me?? Am I that really in love with this guy that I can't see that someone else out there could be just as good or better than this guy? Why do women like me do DUMB things like this?
Give me the reality check I need to hear people... but have some compassion too! Is there a chance for a friendship? I can see by ending all ties it would clear my head up and I can move forward. But I think I am just afraid and part of me is still holding onto expectations that he will try and get me back.
Peace to all.:(
Ugggghhh... I feel so weak and almost ashamed of my behavior but I feel so connected to this guy I don't want to lose him all together in my life. Meanwhile everything inside me says I know I need to break it off because I can't find true love (which I claim I want so much) with him still in the picture. I mean, I am trying to convince myself that maybe I could have a friendship with him. Anything in life is possible... right? I still have a friendship with my ex husband? The only difference between my ex husband and this guy is that I am still very much in love with my ex boyfriend. My ex husband I don't feel the love I used to feel with him.
I just don't get my behavior. Some days I am strong as an ox while other days I swear I act like a teen in love. I don't want to sit here and put myself down and or justify my actions because that doesn't provide for anything. I know counseling is a thought I am possibly going to pursue for this. I mean I sit here and write to you all and share myself and I do take peoples advice but not fully. I think perhaps I am just too scared to face being alone. I think that's it. I know that I deserve more than sharing my man with someone. But I feel so strongly connected to this guy I want to scream sometimes. I have met several guys over the last few months and don't feel what I feel with my ex boyfriend.
All right, well I am going to tell on myself right now... I ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend the other night. We had a talk the next morning about how we can't do this (or I should say I told him this). I know I shouldn't have slept with him but I feel so lost and empty inside.
I also feel like I am being selfish and perhaps taking advantage of the situation. One of the things we keep doing is talking to each other like we are sort of still together. We still say I love you to each other. In fact, this May 18th we would have been together a year and my ex said last night to me on the phone, that I better not make plans for that day because we are going out. I was kind of caught off guard and a bit weirded by that. He acts more of being in denial than I do. I think he really can't believe we are over. Even though we've had discussions about just being friends many times already.
Sometimes I think that just to keep him, maybe I should join a poly group myself. What the heck is going on with me?? Am I that really in love with this guy that I can't see that someone else out there could be just as good or better than this guy? Why do women like me do DUMB things like this?
Give me the reality check I need to hear people... but have some compassion too! Is there a chance for a friendship? I can see by ending all ties it would clear my head up and I can move forward. But I think I am just afraid and part of me is still holding onto expectations that he will try and get me back.
Peace to all.:(