I believe that I have married a Nun, Nun at night, Nun in the morning. We have been married for over 5 years now. When we dated, sex was great and now since the ring has been placed sex has shrunk to once or twice a month. Self relief is getting old. What should I do?

For starters you could start communicating about the way you feel.

If that does not help then maybe some marriage counseling is best.

Joe

Strange, I agree with Jesushelper.

For this to have occurred in your marriage, you both are in some way taking your marriage for granted. Sometimes, we have a tendency to get so caught up in our work and our daily lives, that we forget who is the priority in our lives. For me, when things started to get rather stale, I invoked "Date Night." This became a weekly ritual every Friday night. After working and running around all week, my husband and I would call each other mid-afternoon on Fridays and say, "What kind of food are you in the mood to eat tonight?" One or the other of us would choose what we wanted and where we wanted to go. Whoever chose, made reservations, if it was necessary. Then, we would meet up after work for our date. Most of the time, we had a nice romantic dinner, caught up with what the other was doing during the week, talked about the funny things that happened at work, talked about news topics that were of concern to us, talked about what we wanted to do for the weekend, or planned a romantic overnight trip. It always centered around us as a couple. We would make sure the restaurant had a romantic atmosphere and have a little wine with our dinner. We would joke around with each other. It was so much fun.

Some times we have to step back and take a look at what is really important in our lives. Spending time together, helping each other to alleviate any outside pressures, really does help. In doing the small things with each other, and for each other, that is what keeps a marriage solid. Remembering to say thank you. Remembering to say I love you. I used to sneak up behind my husband when he would be reading the newspaper or a book, hug him and kiss his ear or neck. He loved that. Most people love that. Do the unexpected little loving gestures that reminds both of you that you are in this together and you are the most important people in each other's world.

Communication or termination. Do you still love her? Does she still love you? If so then sit down and have a serious talk. She may not even be aware that there is a problem, especially if you are both busy with work.

It can't be said often enough - COMMUNICATE. I hate to tell you this, marriage is one partnership where it is possible to have an argument and no one is talking.

The "Date Night" is a very good idea for several reasons. Certainly it will give an opportunity for RELAXED communications but a restaurant should also be neutral ground (that means that any place where a friend works is OUT).

RubyPitbull is right on target about "the little things matter". If you never say "Please" and "Thank You" to another person; always remember to say it to the one you love. The same goes for "I love you". Remember, THEY CAN NOT BE OVER USED IF THEY ALWAYS COME FROM THE HEART WITH REAL MEANING.

I believe that I have married a Nun, Nun at night, Nun in the morning. We have been married for over 5 years now. When we dated, sex was great and now since the ring has been placed sex has shrunk to once or twice a month. Self relief is getting old. What should I do?

There is only one thing to do in a situation like this and it is to discuss it, it is lack of communication that causes many a break up so maybe if you asked her why it is so different now once you know the problem perhaps you can try to rectify it, if you don't know what is wrong then you don't stand a chance of putting it right. Take care, love and peace anne x

There is only one thing to do in a situation like this and it is to discuss it, it is lack of communication that causes many a break up so maybe if you asked her why it is so different now once you know the problem perhaps you can try to rectify it, if you don't know what is wrong then you don't stand a chance of putting it right. Take care, love and peace anne x
I have tried talking several times. That has not seemed worked in some time.

I have a feeling that there is something in a females sexual system that is affected by wedding cake, so many of the men I know say exactly what you said about before marriage, and some even say that their wife was a wild cat, but after the wedding, and she ate that cake she has gradually changed. I think that there are some women that are immune to what ever is in the wedding cake because I hear talk that a lot of them have affairs with the men that are married to the women that it does affect.
So to all of those future grooms out there watch out for the damn cake, don't let her eat any and for sure don't squash any into her face for fear some will get into her mouth.

strangeone - After reading your last response I have a feeling that you have nearly made a decision and you're really looking for affirmation of that decision.

Look in your heart and determine how you really feel. Then, if you are a religious person, I would suggest talking to your advisor and evaluate the situation all over again. The bottom line is - if you can't be together as married best friends, have the good sense to separate before you become enemies.

A few posts back I posted this...

Communication or termination. Do you still love her? Does she still love you? If so then sit down and have a serious talk. She may not even be aware that there is a problem, especially if you are both busy with work.

Your only reply to my post and others was...

"I have tried talking several times. That has not seemed worked in some time."

That says it all……… It's over.

But before I go...

You say you have tried talking several times...

Have you tried listening?

You have tried talking to her and it is not working. Then you need to prepare yourself for the next step. Seek counsel from an attorney and get out of the nunnery. It would be interesting though, to hear her side. But it does not really matter much, your heart is not in this marriage and you two sound like complete opposites.

I agree with zebra, bluerose, & shygrney but I have to intercede with a big BUT. If you are not prepared to throw in the towel, if you want to make an attempt to salvage your marriage, I would suggest marriage counseling. You have a HUGE communication problem that needs to be addressed if you and your wife are willing to make an attempt to solve the problem. We sometimes forget how difficult relationships can be. Marriage isn't about flowers and candy and fairy tale fantasies. Real life creeps in. We have to find the proper balance for work, spouse, children, friends, extended families, in our lives. It is hard going. Most of us don't know where to begin to correct problems. Marriage counseling is a wonderful tool if we are willing to salvage our marriages. If you both are not willing to make that attempt, then the only answer is to seek out a divorce attorney and get on with your lives. If you are willing, I don't know where you live but this web site should help you get started:
The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory (http://family-marriage-counseling.com/)

If it was me she'd get over whatever bug she has up her behind or I would have served her walking papers years ago. If I ever voluntarily cut off the wife I'd expect the same. Marriage entitles you to that as well as a lot of other stuff. If you don't get all of it then she's not keeping up her end of the contract.

Now everyone is entitled to have days they don't feel up to it. I'm not talking about that.

By all means try sending her to therapy... find out what her problem is first.

smoothy, I am not suggesting strangeone just send his wife to therapy. I am suggesting they both go for counseling if he is at all interested in saving his marriage. If he isn't, then he is better off consulting a divorce attorney.

Just keep in mind that adage, there are three sides to every story. His, hers, and the truth. There is a reason why she doesn't want to have sex with him. They have hit some sort of gridlock in their relationship. They aren't able to communicate for some reason. Just talking about the fact that he wants more sex isn't going to get them anywhere. Strangeone doesn't seem to know why she doesn't want to have sex, or has chosen not to fill us in. His wife knows the reason, and either isn't willing to discuss it, or she has told him, and he is not understanding whatever problem she is having. As I am sure you know, there is a lot more to communication than just stating, "how come we don't have sex the way we used to? I want more sex." Since strangeone hasn't elaborated on the discussion with his wife, it is hard to tell just what is going on. He is just complaining that he gets "nun". People don't just get married and suddenly lose an interest in sex for no apparent reason when they really had such an appetite for it prior to marriage. It isn't logical. Either there is an underlying medical condition, or something has happened that has turned her off. If he is willing to put in the time and hasn't made a conscious decision that he wants out of the marriage, then they need to figure out what is going on and fix it together. Who knows what is really going on? Strangeone -- are you selfish in bed? Do you make sure she is satisfied fully? Do you pick at her, or chronically complain about anything? Do you remind her that you love her? Do you harass her about keeping your home clean and tidy? Do you complain about her weight and make her feel unattractive? Maybe if you shared a bit more about what is going on, and how you have handled the situation, we can help. If you don't want to, that is okay too. Find a divorce lawyer or a marriage counselor, but you need to actively do something because whatever you have been doing doesn't seem to be working.

Well for someone to go from good sex to no sex after only 5 years of marriage because she doesn't feel like it means something is up. Medical or even psychological. While its always true there's something else at play here we don't know about its not normal behavior for that to happen after marriage, and certainly not that soon. They had great sex before so its been established its not a normal behavior for her. I've known women that were by nature frigid, and quickly got away from them.

I've known guys in this specific situation... women couldn't get enough, then bam, marriage and the legs slam shut.

We do need to know more about what happened, and why it happened. And like you said, once its been established why her libido disappeared almost overnight and for so long then there might be grounds for couples counseling as well. Because heaven knows that's no way to remain married.

I couldn't agree with you more Smoothy. Frigidity is a whole other ballgame than what we have going on here.

I hear married men, many over 10 years state their wives are horrible housekeepers, cooks, nags, and lazy but the thought of divorce/separation is not for consideration. On the other hand, close the doors to sex and divorce and/or affairs begin. Women use sex to attract the men but then do not use it to keep a man just does not make sense. What am I missing?

Honey, when you speak with your wife about the lack of sex, is it when you are trying to get some, or is it outside of the bedroom when you can have a rational discussion about it?
Is everything else in the marriage fine? Does she seem happy to you? Does she hug and kiss you? Is there any tension at all between you?

Sorry for the long delay, I lost the post. As far as the marriage goes everything is fine. I have talked to her about the topic (not when attempt to have sex) and she states she just does not have the desire and it may be medical. OK, if it is then see a doctor and not just say you will. There may be alternatives. I also understand that it is embarrassing but what is more important, being embarrassed or being married.

You are absolutely right strangeone. And, this is nothing to be embarrassed about. That is so strange. Usually it is the guy that is embarrassed. Women have a tendency to run to the doctor for every little thing. LOL. Okay, sexist statement that I will retract. This is just a guess but is she using birth control? Certain medications affect the libido very intensely.

No she is not. I just do not get it either.

I am so sorry. It really just doesn't make sense. I think it may be time to tell her, if you haven't already, that if she doesn't try to seek help, than you just can't live like this. Have you told her that you want a divorce?

It seems there are three possibilities, tolerate the lack of sex and become real friendly with my hand, have an affair or say goodbye.

No honey. There is only one option. You need to be straight with her and tell her that if she doesn't see a doctor that you can't live like this and you want a divorce. If she loves you, she will sit up and take notice. If she wants to stay married to you, she will go to the doctor. If she doesn't she won't and you will now know what you have to do.

Self-gratification is no way for a married man or woman to live. Having an affair will just make your life A LOT more complicated. Then, you have to worry about getting your lies straight. That isn't any way to live either. Who needs that kind of grief? If she isn't willing to find help, you need to be free to find someone else who will love you.

Maybe so, requires thought.

Yes, think about it, digest it. This isn't something that you need to make a snap decision on.

Frankly, I gathered from your posts that you had resigned yourself to having an affair. You can only get away with that for so long before you are caught out. Then, if you tell her that it is because she doesn't give you "any", she will have every right to be upset and hurt, because you didn't lay it on the line when you should have. Why go through that kind of emotional torture when, if you are honest and lay it on the line now, you haven't done anything but be truthful? You should be telling her that you are hurt because it makes you feel like she doesn't want you physically. How can someone be expected to live like that? It isn't fair, and she knows it. Believe me she does. If, after you think about it, and you need help, constructive advice, or just people to complain to, we are here for you.

Strangeone, I find it very interesting that you chose to give me a disagree on my first post to you last night after our exchange. I am baffled. What do you think is funny about what is in that response? I can understand now, after our last exchanges why you didn't find it helpful, but I really am curious why you found it funny.

Sorry about that. I must have clicked on the wrong qoute and did not catch it until to late. Please read further down furhter to another post.

I agree with you. That one was pretty funny. How are you doing?

I had a low sex drive after I got married. I don't know what happened but there was a time that I felt like if I never had sex again - I'd be o.k. Not healthy - right. Feeling sorry for my husband - right? Looking back - I feel the same way.
But, I felt so ashamed because I knew it was wrong. I felt defective. I couldn't talk to my husband about it because I didn't understand it. Eventually, I did go to the dr. And it was embarrassing - but I lived through it. I was put on anti-depressants. I also started an herbal therapy that was to enhance sex drive. I have to tell you - the herbal therapy worked. I would recommend it to anyone. If she is apprehensive about talking to someone out of shame - this you just order and start taking it. It is all natural. You could check it out and possibly give it a try.

What is the Herbal therapy.

They have all natural supplements that help in one area or another. Almost like vitamins. What I took is called avlimil. It is a purple pill the size of a vitamin. You order them online. It is all natural. I took it for about a year and I tell you they work!

Hi Strangeone,
I'm so sorry to read about this problem. I believe in the adage "sex is the glue that holds a marriage together." I agree with RubyPitbull and others: I think the idea of seeing a marriage counsellor is a good one, just to have a 'mediator' in the room with both of you. Like having the Speaker in a parliamentary system, sometimes it's easier to talk about painful/hurtful things via an intermediary. Having an 'eyewitness' also ensures that no one gets carried away with recriminations.

I have so many male friends who have complained of the same thing. Pre-marriage, great sex. Post-marriage, their wife lost interest. I am guessing one of three things may be the problem:

a) some women don't really like sex - they'll do it to 'get' a man, but once they have him, they gladly forego it. Many women aren't even aware that they fall into this category, so please don't interpret this as some kind of evil scheme on their part. Your wife might be one of these women.

b) She may indeed be suffering from depression or some physical/psychological impediment that she finds hard to talk about. Stress at work might be a huge factor too.

c) This is the most painful option, so I hesitate to voice it here. I'm a woman with a healthy libido, but I can recall one particular relationship where the sex side of things just shut down completely after a few months. I was crazily attracted to that boyfriend initially, but something changed in our relationship. The balance of power shifted, and I found myself making too many decisions in our daily lives, being in control too much of the time. This was a real turnoff, and I lost all physical attraction to him. Couldn't make the sex work. I felt awful about this, and our relationship didn't last. Anyway, something in your relationship might have changed after you got married. Maybe she's lost that 'lovin' feeling' and can't articulate what the problem is. In this case, more than ever, I would suggest you both do couples therapy. If she married you, she must love you dearly. She'd probably rather eat her own arm than admit that she's not attracted to you anymore. (If that is indeed the case, maybe it's not). Maybe you could try doing some of the things you did before you got married, when you were still dating, and see if that stirs up the old romance.

Good luck. I agree with everyone else, though: this situation can't go on. You won't be satisfied with a Platonic relationship. Something's got to give, as the old song goes.

Good luck, Strangeone!
Lorelei

Thank you for the heartful response.