Hello all my name is tara I'm the mother of 2 kids my son goes to kindergarten while my daughter is about to be in middle school. Last time I found a condom in my daughters desk while cleaning her room. When she got back home I talked to her about it I asked if she is having sex with a boy but she denies everything she says she was carrying it for a friend of hers. By the way she is almost 13 her birthday is 8/17/94. I'm really worried about her last time a boy was knocking on my door he looks about 15-17 years old and he was asking where can he found my daughter I told him she was at a friend house.last time she sneaked out of the house and my hubby was mad. When she returned she was dressing as a (slut) she took my heels and used my makeup. I don't believe in hitting children I don't want to hit my daughter nor my son but as punishment I ground them. She is very rebellious towards me and my hubby and my little son. I need help I don't want to see my daughter killed and her body thrown in the middle of the street. Also is she having sex?

Chances are, she is. You are on dangerous ground. The best route to take is open the lines of communication with your daughter. Let her know she can discuss anything with you without fear of punishment. I say that because I don't feel our children should be able to run loose without any consequence but because we need to establish a basis for our children's obedience. And that basis is respect. We want our children to obey out of respect not fear. When children have a true respect they accept our consequences to their unacceptable behaviors a whole lot better. Right now it is better for you to be informed of what is going on with her than to punish her for the actions you think she is too young for you. Which she is but I know from experience that if she wants to do something, sadly, you won't stop her. Unless you lock her in her room 24 hours a day. Which we all know is simply not possible. Note: respect is a 2 way street, you must treat her with it before you will get it in return. That means listening to her, let her have her voice. No matter what comes out her mouth, negative and angry feelings must be allowed to be expressed as long as she says it in a respectful manner. Respecting her privacy, at least that privacy to which she has not violated and caused a reason for an honest mistrust in. Don't ever degrade her. Lift her up emotionally.

If you feel in your heart of hearts that she is telling you the truth, because only you know her best, then your only options are to control the things you can. Such as, what she wears when she walks out the door, check her bags for hidden clothing, if she spends the night at a friends call and verify that she is actually there (do not call a cell phone, call the land line to the house, speak with the parents), monitor the text messages if any on her cell and take it away if she isn't using it properly. I am sure you probably know all these things anyway but you can only control what happens in your house. We as parents can only teach our children what they need to know. It's up to them to use the knowledge they have.

It is possible she has just hit that "I am the boss of my own life age" or that she has some underlying reasons or anger causing the rebellious attitude. Counseling may help. In times like these, well particularly in times like these, girls especially need dad's involvement. Gentle, loving guidance, not harsh "you live under my roof and will obey my rules" kind of guidance. If he hasn't been real involved up to now he needs to start. Most girls go in search of affection from boys because they feel a sense of emptiness in their relationships with their fathers. It is dad's job to show our girls how they should expect to be treated. We moms can say it over and over but it's the dad's that need to show it by how he treats mom and how he treats daughter. Actions speak louder than words.

She may reject him right now because of her rebellion, but just a "hey kiddo, we haven't talked much but I want you to know that I love you and am always here for you to talk" is a good start. And not just once then back to normal. Dad needs to kick it into high gear. Without and judgmental attitudes to ask how her day was, who her friends are, what she likes and dislikes. Show a true interest in HER life and who she is inside. He may have to keep plugging away at it. But it will sink in eventually and maybe she will turn to him or you instead of a boy when she needs to feel comforted because she has had a bad day, or gets into a fight with her friend at school.

Anyway, I've ranted long enough. I hope anything I have said can be of some help.

yes at 13 you feel like taking a 2X4 on them at times, I know I have been there but of course we can't, and the time for spanking is far past.
* although for the younger ones it is a wonderful tool*
Is she, maybe, or at 13 she may have wanted to see what it was. But a lot of 12 and 13 year olds are having sex, and the number or 14 year olds with their own babies are rising higher and higher every year.

First if you have not had that Parent/daughter talk about getting pregnant and esp about AIDS and about the other 100 STD it is time for some plain talk so she understands what the actions can cause.
Perhaps time to make her babysit for a full day a infant if you have a friend, knowing that all being with friends end with a baby.

In the end all you can do is tellthem the truth and tell them the facts. Now she is listening to a lot of other people who have a lot of other facts, so you have to trust and hope you have been telling her the rights things for the last few years.

Yes my older boys now in their late 20s and eary 30;s and I had a very open communication, it is hard, because they wanted to discuss things that made we feel hard to talk about, but a lot of it was just interest, not something they wanted to do, so hearing the truth about things, would often save some stupid mistakes.

But do beware there are a lot of boys who have no better desire than to have sex with your daughter, they do it on bets, on dares, or just to find how many girls they can be the first with. And others do it out of a desire to show love for the other.

All I can say is Ouch. Its been awhile since I was 13 but I knew very little about sex at that time. But I agree chances are she is. I don't agree that "open lines of communication" will work at this point, you have to set some boundaries and stick with them, she is 13 not 17. Actually it sounds like she is still 12! Anyway it is time for some serious discipline. Check her room/bag everday, call the school and make sure she is there, and above all get some family counseling. I know it seems harsh and she will whine about privacy, but she is still a child, and if she gave you a reason to trust her then you would not have to do this. That being said, yes you need to communicate with her but don't tell her you won't punish her because I am sorry that is BS. Children need to be punished, period.

Work at getting closer to your daughter. You want to get it across that if she feels that grown up then she must behave like a grown up. Let her know that you are there for her no matter what. But that you will not tolerate disrespect or rude behaviour. Get across the dangers of getting pregnant so young and find out if she is on the pill or if she wants to be. Be prepared to sort that out for her.

Let's face it, the kids are growing up faster than we did and I think it's a lot to do with all the information that is available today on TV and on the net.

And, unless we want to alienate them and spend years trying to win them back, we need to be in their corner. But not at the cost of our own self-respect or theirs. They need to be shown and encouraged to negotiate and compromise. Everyone must give a little to get a little.

Yes, Michele I agree children do need to be punished. I did say above if you will read that there need to be consequences (punishment). So tell me, you want the punishment to fit the crime right? That is appropriate parenting. Yes you remove privileges, you can ground, you take the phone away, search through their belongings all of which things I also recommended above. However, what is the appropriate punishment for having sex at too early an age? Especially when you as a parent have no real proof only suspicion? Do you lock in them in their room forever? Get them surgically altered... come on, we can't "punish" for having sex even if we know they did for a fact. And you can't stop them if they are having sex. Kids can and will always find a way. Go to school, ditch a class to go meet with a boy... I am sorry but it happens. Sometimes it is more important for our children to learn from a situation with understanding and communication and trust than a "punishment". Sometimes the punishment is simply the loss of trust and disappointment they have inflicted. They know it, they feel, they see it in our eyes. But you can educated your kids, you can help them see a better way, you can help them develop some respect for themselves, you can let them know that you can be their support. Rebellious teens may very well not listen but we must try!

I dont agree that "open lines of communication" will work at this point,

p.s. It is NEVER too late to try to open lines of communication! If you only require of your children to obey without reason or explanation because they are under your roof, you do not give them the sound reasoning they will need to make their own decisions once they are out from under your roof.

Haha OK what I meant is we are past the point of telling her nicely. She is a child, you need to talk to her yes, but you are THE ADULT YOU ARE THE MOTHER. Yes take away all of her privelages, allowances, phone, any extracalicular activity, (except maybe a sports program) cell phone (if by chance she has one) even make up. A 13 year old child should not even know what a damn condom is let alone be using one. Tell her you love her, and you always will, and yes I was a kid once I know they find ways to get around things but the more trouble I found the harsher my parents were. And think about this do you want to be a grandparent when your eldest child is 13??

I sure wouldn't want to be one. And thank God I am not. Mine are 18, 16, 13 & 12 (well my oldest ones are anyway)... *sighs* And no they shouldn't know what one is but unfortunately I am afraid they need too.