I had some horrible guys abuse me sexually. More than once. First was guy who for 10 years more or less lived out his sick fantasies on me. Then a string of guys I thought were my friends one by one--with one as a particular ring leader--did unspeakable things to me. Yes, I was naïve and adept at getting myself into compromising situations, but I look back and see more situations that could have ended disastrously but didn't because the guy involved was NOT a monster but was a gentleman. I trusted and they were trustworthy. Simple as that.

But in other places I trusted and I was severely abused. No violence per se, but soul-damaging stuff and totally 100% unacceptable stuff. Sick toys and sick actions and I think, too, maybe 'set ups' orchestrated by one guy.

My problem though is I cannot figure out why through out it all my mouth was clamped so closed.

I do know that as a kid and early teen my brother had a violent temper--beat my Mom and me and by age 14 or 15 I started whaling the crap out of him as best I could--I remember kicking his cast he had on his broken arm--aiming to break it again. My brother was huge. I was very slight. It was a losing battle. Still, I'd always thought that I came out of that abuse OK. I've never had violent tendencies and none of these guys ever TRULY gave me a fear of violence.

I did have a lot to lose if they 'left' me, though. The 10-yr guy was more or less my escape from that home w/ my brother (and crazy Mom I won't get into). He isolated me and he was all I had--is that why I kept quiet?

Once I broke free of him, I did start telling people what he'd put me through and I made sure he could never get close to me again.

But then the guy I'd trusted to tell the things to ended up being the ringleader of the next string of guys who used and abused me in ways that make me shudder. Again, no violence, just really really inappropriate monsters/pigs. But again I silently went through it all. I even perpetuated their friendships. The only reason I come up with is I wanted to preserve a sense of normalcy so that I could continue to pursue firefighting--as they were all brethren firefighters (nice, huh? Serve and protect evidently didn't apply to me as as their friend.) If I acted like nothing had happened, I could keep going to the firehouse to enjoy what I really wanted to do.

Now even with my husband, I find that he might do something--inadvertent--that is not physically comfortable for me during sex--like once he pressed the air out of my diaphragm by accident when his belly wasn't as flat and I silently gasped for air and never said a word. Or I have visions of one of the moments with that bunch of abusive guys that interrupts my thoughts when I am having sex with my husband and rather than stop until I am OK, I proceed and just go numb until it's over. (NOT what I want to feel with my husband--numb!) I have triggers that make me erupt in deep crying and if one of those comes when I am with him I try to cry completely silently into my pillow. (I am just now telling him this and opening up to him and identifying all my triggers for both him and myself. If I can avoid the triggers with his help I was thinking I'd be ok)

Can any of you tell me where I may still be fooling myself in how I think I am interpreting this?

HMMMM, I think, you are on the right road to be open and honest with your husband about this. You guys need to get through this together. I am very sure he would not want you to feel numb while loving him. Your past is no good, your future is. You have a husband and now, you are trying to get yourself together emotionally. GOOD FOR YOU! I am proud of you, keep it going. Don't forget about it when it gets hard, and going through this will make you a much better person for sure. Take care of yourself emotionally it is very important. Then you can be all you want to be. Good luck!

You state that you had abuse in your childhood. Was any of it sexual abuse? Either way, you were conditioned to accept abuse and keep quiet. Nothing happened to protect you as a child so there was no reason for you to believe something would happen to protect you as an adult. Ultimately, it's a learned behavior. Sounds like getting some help with counseling could really help you learn how to deal with your past, how to make better choices, learning better coping skills to negative behaviors of others. Now that your talking, don't stop... write, talk to friends/church members/counselors/husband. Allowing yourself to be abused doesn't mean you asked for it. They took advantage of you and your inability to say no. Now your getting stronger and learning you have rights. Good for you! Cathy