I have been married for 5 years and have two children with my husband. I am a professional and have a great career. I make 80% of the income. I have been paying the mortgage, utilities, nanny, groceries etc.. And he doesn't really contribute. We have discussed this over and over and he just doesn't deposit any money in the bank.

He has two children from a previous marriage, they drive me insane and I resent the fact that they exist at this point. He has always put his children first, before me and before our own two children. It is to the point where I just don't want them in the house. There are too many stories to mention.

We have been separated for 7 months, I live ave a house and he has one he has owned prior to our getting married. He is a recovering alcoholic (as of last year) and we have been to 3 different marriage couselors. One night he was drunk and physically abused me so I called the police and had him arrested. He was charged with attempted murder and then since went to rehab and has been sober ever since. I have never had a history of any type of abuse so this was a shocker! He is trying to make this work as am I but there have been so many set backs that I just keep asking myself if it is worth it. Since we have separated I have had primary custody of our two children. He lives 4 streets away and he comes and goes and has no set schedule (which I have asked for several times). It has been hard, however, I have always paid for just about everything so I don't feel a hit financially. I don't really know if I feel love for him anymore after all that has transpired between us and I just am not sure if counseling (the 3rd round) is worth the effort. We go to counseling and we just end up yelling and screaming and leave in a huff. There is very little affection between us anymore and he still isn't putting our marriage first.

And lastly, there have been some questionable relationships with women on his part. An employee of his mentioned it to me and I discussed it with my priest. My priest suggested that I confront one of his "women" friends and get a straight answer from her. She was very evasive as to the "depth" of their working relationship and I never felt she was credible (she has been married 3 times). Just a month ago my husband asked me if this "woman" in question had called me that day. When I asked him "Why would she be calling me"? He said he "didn't know". She never called but ever since I cannot help but wonder why she would be calling me. On another occastion while 6 months pregnant and away on business he phoned me in the middle of the day. He told me a bizarre story regarding one of his female employees and said she had quit. He told me that this woman was going to be calling me and accusing him of being a philadered and that she was out of her mind. She never called. Am I out of my mind or should I just be running for hills?

It sounds like you already know that this relationship is over, you just want to hear someone else confirm it for you.

Your incompatibility, the physical abuse, and his other actions leave little to be desired.

I don't think he's worth it. It's over.

Honey, I think you are on the right path. You have answered your own question. There isn't really love there anymore, lots of resentment and distrust.
I would just make it legal now. You are strong - you can do this

I appreciate the comments. I know that I would be long gone by now if we did not have two children together. My biggest hesitation in pulling the trigger is that I am so fearful that a judge would aware joint custody of my children and I cannot bear that. He is terribly forgetful and doesn't remember their events and has forgotten to pick one of from preschool on several occasions. He doesn't spend a lot of time with them as it is.

And you are correct, there is a lot of resentment and so much mistrust and we just are not even on a level playing field anymore and I don't think that helps the children at all. I do not have family close by and the thought of being on my own with two small children is terrifying. He will never let me leave the state and I just know a battle is on the horizon. I have filed for divorce, last Decemeber. He never answered the paperwork and continues to go on as though "we are going to make a go of it". I am just so miserable and know I am the only one who can change it, I just need to face it and deal with it day by day.

You don't need to be scared - you are already doing it on your own.
As far as joint custody - talk to your attorney. You could be the residential parent and pretty much make the decisions on the day to day stuff. He would have visitation.
And I don't know that he can stop you from moving - he may fight it in court - but if you have a support system else where and it would benefit the kids, well you may have a good chance at moving.
Just because he doesn't like something - doesn't mean that you lose. Those judges see so much everyday - if the couple still liked each other - they probably wouldn't be in his court room.
What you are thinking of doing is a huge step and I know that the fear of the unknown is probably the worst - but like I said, you are doing it alone as it is. You are strong, smart and capable.

One night he was drunk and physically abused me so I called the police and had him arrested. ?

Physical abuse should not be tolerated.

End of story.

It's time to let go. It's great that you tried so hard, but really, you can't do it all and you can't do it forever. File for primary custody. Set a schedule for weekly visits, for holidays, birthdays, etc. If you have a lawyer draw it up, your ex may just sign it, especially if he can't afford an attorney. Once the order is in place you can sue for child support and then he will have to contribute to his children's financial needs. Best of luck.

Well, last night he said he was done. We have not been getting along at all. He threatened me and told me that if he thought I was going to get the house, I was dreaming. I purchased this house in 1997 and have been paying the mortgage all along. He also threatened that I would never be able to leave the town where we live because "you will never take the kids from me". Since our separation his time with our kids has been spotty and he just comes and goes as he pleases on his schedule.

I am going back to my attorney tomorrow and am going to have to take my chancces I just can't live like this anymore.

Run for the hills. Run fast. You have proven you can take care of things on your own. You do not need this abuser and other words that I could come up with in your life. You and your children probably better off without. With getting a divorce. You will have a chanch to set up scheduled visits that he needs to follow the times or he could lose the priveledge.

Good luck with everything.

Joe

I do feel as though I have been doing this on my own and I know that I can continue to do so. The only thing that has been holding me back is the kids. I never wanted to raise children without a father, it is just so unfair to them. However, so is living like this. We have not had one conversation in the last several months that has been pleasant.

He constantly tells me that "You are sick" and that I have no excuse to be tired. I get up at 6 every morning, take care of the kids, work all day, and do laundry, clean and cook and I AM Tired. I have been the point person since the inception of our marriage. I just feel as thouh he is projecting his own issues back on me and it isn't healthy.

momtofour, you are a strong woman and you are smart. Raising two children alone is better than raising them in a household where there is emotional and physical abuse.

What your husband is attempting to do at this point is trying to maintain control over you and your situation. Let him keep running him mouth and threatening you with whatever he thinks is going to get your goat. Don't respond. Ignore him. Do not let him goad you into a fight, no matter how much you want to respond. If it is at all possible, get his threats on tape. If you can't, start documenting the threats. Dates, times, and statements he has made.

I don't know what is in your divorce papers but you must speak with your lawyer. You are paying for his/her services and your lawyer is working for you. You are the client. Make it clear to your lawyer everything that you want and he needs to start forcing the issue of signing the paperwork. If you haven't already done so, go for primary custody. You have every right to keep the house that you purchased and the place that your children have known as home. If your husband is refusing to sign the documentation, use child support payments as a bargaining chip. You make enough money. It sounds like he wants custody so he can squeeze child support out of you, not because he is interested in his children. Get your attorney to speak with his attorney. Both attorneys should be working together to convince your husband it is in his best interest to sign away custody in exchange for not paying child support. If that is not the issue, they need to get all the problems on the table and help get them ironed out so that the divorce can move forward. Hold your ground on everything that you want. Do not give up and do not let him intimidate you or tire you out. You need to get away from this man and you need to hold your ground. I can see by the way you write, that you are a lot stronger than you think. I told this to another poster yesterday -- tap into your inner Oprah Winfrey! :) You need to take hold of your life. Be methodical and deliberate in your dealings with him. You are smarter than he is. You need to keep reminding yourself of this.