Hello everyone,

I am currently in a situation where my girlfriend of 3 years has been struggling to get a job. She was made redundant nearly 6 months ago and wanted to try and get a job in a similar role somewhere else. She is turned down for every interview she manages to get, and it gets her down which in turn makes it harder to get interviews. I have told her a few times to look at other areas, but she says she doesn't as she does not have the experience to get a good enough salary, or wants a basic job with not enough salary. We both share a house and I pay for most of the expenses to try to help.

I am worried that if this continues then pretty soon I will have to pay 100% for everything.
I have tried to be supportive but I feel I just can't doing anything about it apart from encouraging her and staying positive. On top of all that I have been wanting to break up for some time, a lot longer than her being out of a job. We are both in our late 20's and even though I could support her as I earn enough I fell my life is on hold. I don't want to feel selfish but I can see no end to this in sight.

Thanks for your time and any helpful comments you may have.

Well I can suggest 2 options, have her take a course on interview skills (contact a local college) or tell her to stop setting the bar so high.

Even if she gets an entry level job at a lower salary than she used to make, if she does well she should get raises (or find something better while working) and at least she's not making nothing.

That's what I did, the first job I took out of college paid 3000 a year less than the industry average for my field, after switching companies I'm making 4500 more than the average. Employers like hiring people already employed somewhere I've been told.

It's disappointing that you have not been upfront about your feelings with her.

Does she not have any family to lend her support or some other place she can stay, parents, siblings, other friends?

well... so you want to break up with her, but you want her to be available to pay the bills?

m'kay.

well...

I didn't see that coming.

I think its time for you to figure things out financially without her in the equation. Lets face it... you have a foot out the door and are just waiting for the "right time"... not too fair to her. Even if timing sucks because she lost her job, she's a grownup. It happens. You muck your way through it.

so I get you don't want to be a heartless jerk who dumps the girl when she's down on her luck. It's a little admirable in some twisted way...

but then why would you try to get her into a position where she foots the bills again? When is it going to be financially "ok" to dump her. You need to figure that out pronto, and start living your life like she dumped you yesterday. May not be pretty, but it's the reality you are avoiding and the one she hasn't been given a clue about.

It's disappointing that you have not been upfront about your feelings with her.

Does she not have any family to lend her support or some other place she can stay, parents, siblings, other friends?


I want to talk to her about the relationship, there never seems to be a good time. I suppose that is the case in any situation. Her family is not that supportive, as she is older enough to look after herself they are just asking why she doesn't have a job yet, which upsets her.

Even if she gets an entry level job at a lower salary than she used to make, if she does well she should get raises (or find something better while working) and at least she's not making nothing.



Yes, I have mentioned that to her, although she is pretty determined to get at a level she wants.

when is it going to be financially "ok" to dump her. you need to figure that out pronto, and start living your life like she dumped you yesterday.

It is an interresting way to look at it. Even if we break up, I will feel guilty about throwing her out until she has a job.

Personally, I think the only thing keeping her from getting some cash is laziness or pride.

I quit a job teaching at a university because I was a "lock in" for a research position in a surgical education lab. Well, the lock in job fell through because the guy making the decisions thought I was overqualified, even though I hit it off wonderfully with the people I would have worked with and left the interview having given then two new angles for their work. Big guy just didn't want to have to hire again if I used the position as a stepping stone.

So in the time I was unemployed to the time I found another job what did I do to pay the bills? I worked at a temp agency. Less desirable jobs at a lower pay. But my bills got paid. Your situation is different because she has you as her financial net.

But that's still no excuse. My wife is in upper middle managament and just hired a guy full time for a job. The guy came to her through a temp and she all but created the position to keep him. Its going to be a great fit. Proof to show temp work can be a route to getting exactly what you want.

I know lecturing to you isn't going to change her mind, but I don't buy the "i can't find a job" thing much of the time... unless you have tried other routes, even as just temp income, I think it shows a failure in resolve to wallow in self pity while your financial house comes down around you.

My brother in law has done this twice and its cost him all the equity in their first home and a forced sale of their second home and all the possessions to avoid bankruptcy.

And I'm not trying to be the jerk who belittles depression coming from job loss. The only time in my life I've suffered severe depression was after I had quit a different job and couldn't find the work I wanted, much like your girlfriend. It was maddening, but I also was trying to get ANY job to pass the time. Baggage handler, janitor, etc... I quit my teaching job to be at home with my son during the day, but wanted to work at night and weekends. Couldn't get the work.

So I get her frustration a little, but not completely. I don't think I'm above a lot of work... and I know you don't want to take a crap job just to have to quit later... but I think the temp thing is a way to bridge here to there. You don't have to explain too hard to an employer that you wanted useful work while in between jobs. As is, she's going to have to explain the gap.

If nothing else, you probably need to talk to her about the financial pressure that's going on. Why feel guilty about telling her what the reality is? Why feel bad about setting up a financial plan? Reality is reality, and if she's not willing to face it, that means she's willing to let it go to hell.

One more reason not to be with her long term.

You definitely need to discuss the finances with her and be honest about your feelings about the relationship also. Why have her spinning her wheels for something she doesn't have any more.

Thanks for the advice.
I have had a chat about our relationship and she seemed was OK with it, although she was not surprised she was upset. She did mention temp work as well and she did get a call about another job today. I will look into to see if there is something that can improve her interview skills, as she is the first to admit they aren't the best. She said she doesn't want to depend on me financially so the main focus is to get a job, although a full time job would be best for that.