Hello. I need some advice from those who have been there - done that or not done that.

Here is my situation.
My daughter is 6 years old and is in the first grade. She has a summer birthday and so she is a very young first grader. She made our cut off by 2 weeks when she started kindergarten. The school is now talking about holding her back from moving on to the 2nd grade because her reading skills are not at the appropriate level. They think it is strictly an age thing. They do not think she has a learning disability. They think she is academically immature. They are putting a "team" together that is going to sit down with us and have a talk about what should happen next.
However, she is excelling at everything else. We do not want her to be held back and have expressed that to her teacher. We do know that whatever decision is made - it will be ours in the end.
She reads to us every night and then we read to her. We have hired a tutor for her this summer. She is currently in a special reading class at school - but we are pulling her out because she has not improved and some of the things they teach are actually hindering her performance in other areas.

I believe it will do more harm than good to hold her back - socially and mentally.

I guess my question is - have you held your kid back? Are you happy you did? Were you faced with the option and chose not to? Are you happy with that decision?
I am sure our minds are made up - but I would like some feed back from those who have been in our shoes.

What did her kindergarten teacher say about her maturity last year? If the current teacher and Principal think she is academically immature now, what was said last year. "but we are pulling her out because she has not improved and some of the things they teach are actually hindering her performance in other areas." Could you explain this feeling further? I know I have not answered you yet but I'm trying to get a fuller picture. Thanks

I would, based on her age and being so close to the cut off date, hold her back and have her repeat the grade. When she gets to the further grades, you could really start to see problems. I have two homecare clients that are retired teachers and they have often said that when in doubt, have the child repeat the grade, especially in the early grades.

I do not understand what you mean when you say you are pulling her out of her special reading class because the reading class is hindering her performance in other areas. Can you cite examples? Is the teacher or teachers saying this, or is this your bias coming through?

I know parents do not want to think their child is behind in any category but it happens. Making the changes now and helping your daughter succeed with her tasks - if it means repeating the grade - will be beneficial to her in the later grades.

Well, our kindergarten is half day. She went for 3 hours a day, they had a special (like gym or art) each day, snack time and recess. It has been said that only an hour a day was spent learning. Her teacher then said she was fine and ready for 1st grade. No problems.
As far as her reading class - she gets pulled out of regular class time and goes to Title 1 - which is a class for those who need extra help w/reading.
They spend very little to no time actually reading. They play games and work on "nonsense" words. Which is not words - but letters put together to make a sound.
My daughter is now trying to use those nonsense words in her writing and having points taken off. SHe is getting confused about what they are teaching in reading and what is expected in regular class time. She has not improved very much - according the test they administer. Her oral fluency is at a 14 and needs to be at a 44 by the end of the year. They have had her ALL year. One of the Title 1 teachers called her regular teacher last week to find out what level reading she is at. He is the reading teacher, he has had her all year and he does not know what level she is at??
(I am a bit frustrated)
All they tell us now is that she is young. And I just can't help feeling that - "well, her birthday has not changed - why didn't that come into play at kindergarten registration".

I don't think that long term it will have a huge effect

We know that she is behind in reading - we are not in any sort of denial about that. That is why we are getting a tutor for the summer.
And, I know that if she was behind in other areas - this would not be an issue. The answer would be clear.
But... She is excelling in all other areas. She is a little math whiz - gets top grades in social studies and science. Plus good grades in all the extra classes - art, music, computer lab and gym.
So, if I can get her the help over the summer to get her where she needs to be - should holding her back still be considered?
Back to asking what 2+2=? I think she would feel dumb and defeated. She takes her grades seriously and is upset when she gets anything other than an "E".
Watching her friends go on and she is back in 1st grade - what will that do to her? Will she lose her foundness for school and find it boring?

I have never had that problem with my kids, they are both winter babies so are the some of the oldest in their years. However, if it were my child, I would not have her repeat the grade, but I would keep that summer tutor until she had caught up with her peers at school.

Yes I think that they should reconsider if you will be getting tuition

I know of several family and friends children in this situation and I have seen the results years later. One child who repeated 2nd grade because of reading skills is doing OK now it was good for her but she had no reading skills and was doing poorly in all subjects. However two others who both repeated first grade did not turn out as good as they both are now at the top of the class and it seems that they would have caught up to the rest of the class. If it were my child I would not hold her back I would have a private tutor (actually I would do this myself) after school or weekends, but would not have anything to do with anything that takes her out of her normal class or break time. I was a teacher’s assistant for four year with a third grade class and notice that at this age those who were behind in their skills really pushed harder to catch up. I think some times it takes a little longer for some kids to really get reading skills but by third grade they all seem to even out for the most part. I also found that some of the third graders that were held back were having problems with the fact that all of their first class were now a grade ahead and it seem to bother them a lot. I talked with a couple of them and it was very obvious that it caused them some grief that they were left behind. Since the only problem she has is the reading and all other skills are normal or above I believe she will catch up in the next grade. The only children who I think should be held back are those who are behind in more than half of their skills or those with social problems.

I have been in that position with my daughter, and yes, I did hold her back. She was well advanced in everything but reading, as yours is. The only difference though was that mine was in kindergarten, and kindergarten was all day.

Holding her back was by far the BEST thing I have ever done. She is now 13 and in 7th grade, top of her class and a straight A student and excels in many sports.

We held her back with the assurance from her school that she would not be put back with the same teacher. We wanted her to have experience from another teacher also. She did, needless to say, mature to the level far above her classmates.

My daughter also was around 2 weeks from the cutoff date.
We placed her in kindergarten with the knowledge that she may repeat. She spent her early years in daycare and preschool as I HAD to work, but was not ready for the demands of elementary school.

Understand that if your little one is immature right now, not saying that is a bad thing mind you, she surely will not mature in second grade as it is more demanding, and third grade is the hardest grade in elementary school.

If your daughter was not in full time daycare or kindergarten, then the best thing you can do is hold her back. Let her get to know what the structure of elementary school is like. She will have an easier time next year.

Oh, yeah, I know the stigma of a child that is held back... failed... flunked... etc. Well, believe me that is all BUNK!! They barely remember first grade. She will thank you in the future and you will be rewarded by having an honor roll student. Believe me, I have been there, done that, about to be there again and get another t-shirt.

My 5 year old son is in pre-k right now, full day, we are having a problem with his maturity level also. If this continues in kindergarten, I will hold him back then also.

Better to let her be prepared for the next grade than to have her fight for her grades.

I would also look into a reading program or tutor for her. During the summer and as school starts.

I believe if you have your ducks in a row, and explain this to them, your team will most liekly agree. ( the team is normal procedures

I guess I am just getting nervous. I knew what I wanted to do and why. Now that we are going to have to go in and face this team - I am asking myself "am I doing the right thing?" When it comes to her education - I get crazy - I worry A lot. You wouldn't want to know me in August before the teacher list comes out. I worry if she has gotten the right teacher, is she to young, is she going to make friends - every possible thing you can think of - I worry!
We are planning a move to warmer weather - our house as been on the market for over a year now. Hopefully we will be gone before the next school year. If so, she will be held back. She would not have made the cut off down there - so she will be two years younger than her class mates. They have all day kindergarten where they are learning what she is now in 1st grade. We have the added "plus" that it will be easier for her to understand going to a new school why she has to stay in 1st grade. She will know that it is not because she is "stupid". There are about 4 kids in her class now that were held back last year. She is friends with one of them and just found out. She came home and asked me if this girl was stupid and if that is why she was held back. Of course I said No, that she just needed a little extra time getting ready for 2nd grade.
As a parent - I question everything I do. Am I doing the right thing? Am I feeding her the healthest meal? Have I chosen the best doctor? Etc. I don't want to make a mistake with my child's life. I have to get this right because I only get one chance.
Do I sound crazy? 'Cause I feel like that sometimes! :)

No, you do not sound crazy. You sound like a normal parent. We could get medals for worrying! You are trying to do the best possible for your daughter so that she will have success and feel good about her academics. What is more natural than that?

Your daughter is clearly not "stupid". She needs a boost, many children do. Many adults do! Wishing you the very best in the move and for your daughter and the new school system.

I was held back in the second grade myself for the same reasons. I felt much better being in a group that I was more evenly paired with! I still think about it now. It wasn't nice being the one bring up the rear, as opposed to leading the pack. It was life altering. It was a Great plan that Im sooooo glad my parents did. Otherwise it would have had me struggling every year in my studies. Also a grade at that age is not a problem but imagine if they decided to do it in my teen years! I officially say Lived it, LOVED IT!
Respectfully
Frank

I am with Frank here. I am now almost 43 and in college. I was one of the young ones in my class. My mother and I have discussed this over the years and she said she wished she had held me back in the early grades. I was too immature, too young, and struggled. Now I wish she had held me back. I never learned the proper study skills because I was too busy struggling just to make a C or D grade. I barely graduated and decided college was not for me because I thought I was too stupid then. Had I been given the chance at a young age (1st or 2nd grade) I may have gone to college at a8 rather than 38.

Your daughter is not stupid, and I am sure you know that. She just needs a little more time to adjust to school.

I notice that she is friends with one that was held back last year, does she think that girl is stupid? Probably not.

I wish you all the best Mom.

I know she isn't stupid - just the opposite - I think she is exteremly bright.
When she asked me about her friend - she used the word stupid. So, I am afraid that she will consider herself stupid. I mean, that is the term she associated with being held back.

Also, my husband is so confident that it would not be the right thing holding her back. And that is kind of how things go - he is 100% on what he feels and I am on the fence.
And like I said, I question EVERYTHING - where he is more relaxed and sure.
He will not entertain the thought of holding her back. He is sure it will do more damage than good - and that is a fear of mine.

He is sure it will do more damage than good - and that is a fear of mine.

What kind of damage? It can only do her good. Now holding her back in high school would be damaging, but not first grade.

Tell your daughter that stupid is a BAD word. Sheesh, I really hate that word and don't even allow it in my home or out of my children's mouths. Stupid is a bad and damaging word. Oh, I just shudder every time I hear it because NO ONE NO MATTER WHAT is stupid.

Back to the subject:p

What kind of damage will it cause when she is 30? None. She will barely even remember first grade. I know I don't, do you?

If she is too immature to go on, it is best to hold her back now rather than in the hardest of the elementary grades (which is grade 3).

Understand that the teacher know what is best for her. They have their Masters Degrees in early elementary education and have had to take tons of hours in dealing with children her age. Seeing as many children as they see on a daily basis and over their years of experience, they know what to look for.

They are not suggesting this because they think she is not smart or just don't like her. They have a REASON.

My mother-in-law is a 4th grade teacher. She can tell the ones who have been held back (they are much brighter, get better grades, and are more mature and socialize better. She can also tell who has not been held back, but should have been. Then she has to discuss holding these children back. You don't want to hold her back in 4th grade, do you?

Go to the meeting set up, take a list of questions with you. These people are the ones who know your daughter best, actually they probably know her better than you in an academic sense. Follow their advice. Again, they have their reasons, and they are suggesting what is in the best interest of your daughter and her future education.

We think it would be damaging to her mentally and socially. She works very hard on her studies and gets good grades. Better than a lot of the kids going on to 2nd grade. She wouldn't understand why she was being held back when she has been working hard all year and achieving the grades.

I agree with you on the word stupid. I have always told her it was a mean - ugly word. She has been introduced to almost a new vocabulary since she started school.

I just think that with getting the tutoring this summer - the help in the area that is the weakest - we can get her up to speed. She is improving now - she is 100 times better at reading than the 1st of the year.

I don't know that I agree with the statement that teachers know my child better than I.
We are very active in the school and take a active roll in her education. We are not the type of parents that sit back and let the teachers do all the work.
They may know the academic side - but, I know so much more of who my child is.
There are 23 kids in one classroom with one teacher. - it isn't possible to get that one on one time needed to really find out how a kid learns best.
I do know they have a wealth of knowledge and I look forward to this meeting and finding out ways to better help her. I am just not convinced that the only option is to hold her back.

It is very good that you are very connected to the school. I made that remark about the teachers knowing her better because some parents are just not involved. It is good to know that you are. But remember they do see her interact with her peers on a different level than you do. Children just do not act the same when their parents are around.

So, I did not mean it in quite the way it sounded. ;)

Yes, having her involved with tutors is good. But if she is not developmentally ready to move ahead, don't push it because this is what you want or because there is a stigma involved with holding a child back.

Actually that stigma is beginning to turn the other direction. It is now more admirable to know when it is necessary to do the right thing and hold a child back if necessity indicates, than to move them just because of pure embarrassment.

I know, I am probably digging myself into a hole on this one, and many of you may disagree. But I held my daughter back because of issues such as this and it was by far the best thing I have ever done. My niece was held back in second grade, after being told in kindergarten and first that she should be held back then, it was the best thing my sister-in-law ever did for Molly. Molly is now in 3rd grade and reading at a 5th grade level.

Sometimes our babies are just not ready to move up. It does not mean they are failures, it does not mean that we are failures as parents. It just means that they need just a little extra time to adapt. They just need a little more nurturing. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact, of all the children I know who were held back (remember it used to be called failed, but not anymore) they are all flourshing because they were given the extra time to become proficient in EVERYTHING, not just their weaknesses.

Hi. I don't know if I have a question or just need to vent.
My husband and I are on the road to recovery after his affair. (if you are familiar with me - then you know the story) We are doing really good. We are talking - communicating better.
We have a daughter that is in 1st grade. She is a young 1st grader - she made the cut off by 2 weeks. Her teacher/school wants to hold her back and let her repeat the 1st grade. We have a meeting scheduled for this week to talk to the teacher, principal and special ed teacher. (It's a "team" and everyone has to meet with them if retention is an issue) She is very bright and has done well this year but is behind in her reading skills. They think she is just young and is academically immature. Well, up until 3 weeks ago, my husband and I were on the same page about this issue. We were not going to hold her back. We are getting her a tutor this summer to catch her up and all should be fine. Well... her math is starting to slip. They are working on harder things and she just isn't getting it. So, I am worried. I am beginning to wonder if maybe we should hold her back. We are also planning a move down south and decided that she would be held back down there - because their cut off date is a 2 months before ours - so she would be in a class with older kids and be farther behind due to the school system.
My thoughts were to just take advantage of the opportunity and hold her back.
My husband says absouletly not. Will not even entertain it. He said that in life - we don't get do overs. Blah Blah Blah.
I am trying to get my point across and so is he. We can't seem to meet in the middle.
What do you do when there is no compromise? We either hold her back or not. THere is no middle ground. We got into an argument this evening and nothing was resolved. I want to go into this meeting together on this subject - on way or the other.
Like I said - I don't know if there is a question here or not. I just don't know what to do. I have pleaded my case and told him all of the reasons I want to hold her back and he just says NO.

Well the only solution to this. Is there any communicating of this possible choice to your daughter? Why not see if she understands the issue, not pulling her one way. Give her the option. See what she says. Maybe that will be the deciding factor?

Or another option is get the teacher to decide. I know not enough is given to the parents for decisions and they might have already told you it is your call. Why not leave the final decision to the teacher?

Just a couple of options that I thought of for you both to think about.

Joe

The teacher has given her recommendation. She thinks that our daughter should be held back. Not because of any other reason than our daughter is young. And she knows how we feel (or felt). She has excelled in every subject except reading this entire year. And we didn't feel that was enough to make her repeat the year. We have hired a tutor for the summer to get her caught up.
But now with the math scores on the decline and me knowing that it isn't going to get any easier - I am having second thoughts.

I have talked to her about this in casual conversation. (there are 4 kids in her class that were held back last year) And she said that she is to smart to be held back (her words) and wanted to know if one of the girls (her best friend) was dumb - was that the reason she was held back? I don't want her to think for a minute that she dumb - she isn't.

I don't think it is lack of communication on our part - we communicated very loudly tonight :). We are talking about this - but we have totally different views.

It sounds like the daughter wants to move forward? If that is the case. Then maybe it is a good idea to let her go forward. That is just my opinion, but it counts for nothing. You guys are her parents. Hope you react an understanding some how but yes, for sure a decision needs to be made one way or another.

I guess I keep thinking - what if we are wrong. If we go my way or his and we are wrong. (I am the worrier in this relationship.) We don't pay the price - she does. I was so sure prior to 3 weeks ago. Now, with the meeting on Friday coming, I just don't know. I don't want to make the wrong decision and there is no way of knowing until it is made.

And yes, she wants to move forward. All of her friends are - to her it is the natural order of things. I think she would be devastated to learn she had to repeat the 1st grade and I know that, so I have that playing in my head also.
AARGH! I am so confused.

Hello, You said that you were meeting with a special ed teacher. Is your child on an IEP, and what calls for the special ed teacher? I do want to mention that maybe your child is struggling a little with the stress in your family with your husband etc. You mentioned her reading was a struggle this year. Reading is the foundation of all other subjects, although most children just learn to read in the first grade. During your meeting with the teachers you need to ask some very important questions before making a decision about retaining your child. You cannot ask specifically about the other kids, but you can ask how she did in comparison to the other children, you could also ask what the SCHOOL could do to help improve her reading and what things you could do at home to help.
Tell us more does your child have an IEP in place?
Also you mentioned that your husband says there are no do overs, but he is getting a second chance at his marriage isn't he? Just sounds odd.
I personally am not for retention, but there are special circumstances,etc.

You know, I almost said that about the do over thing to him tonight - but I was mad and didn't want to make it worse.

She doesn't have an IEP in place - they doen't think she has any learning disabilities - they think she is young. The special ed teacher is just part of the team we are meeting with. She has over 30 years experience and is a wonderful teacher, so I guess she can tell us how we can effectively reach our daughter. She seems to use her environment to learn.

When he and I were in the thick of things at the beginning of the year - she had some issues at school. Mostly that if she didn't want to do something - she would tell the teacher "I'm not doing it." It went on for a month or so. We talked to her about it and she got back on track.

We have known the entire year that she was behind in her reading - she couldn't read at all in the beginning. Now she reads Level 1 and 2 books. At the end of the year, though, she should be into level 3's and there is no way she is going to get there in less than a month. (Hince the tutor)
My husband is going into this meeting with his mind made up. I was too, until 3 weeks ago. Her teacher knows this and says this is just a formality meeting - to cover the school's butt.

It is a tough one and clearly something that is hard to come to a compromise on with your husband if he is hell bent on her moving on.

In my opinion I think you may have to trust your teachers judgment here and think seriously about holding her back, as you obviously are, but hubby isn't.

The teacher is with her every day in her learning environment and would be the best person to make the judgment on whether she needs another year to come to grips with what she is learning.

Could the reason be that your husband won't entertain the idea of her staying back be that he see;s it as some sort of failing in him / you as parents?

You even admit that she is having problems with some aspects of her learning. They aren't going to slow down and wait for her next year either. She may fall further behind, or she may catch up.

It is obviously a tough decision for a parent and I'm sure I don't need to remind you that it should be made in the best interests of your daughter and no one else. I know you wouldn't need reminding of that NowWhat, but maybe your hubby does.

See what the meeting brings and please let us know!

Skell, You are inside my head! These are my points exactly! I don't want school to always be a struggle for her. And I think that we should see this as an opportunity to let her mature academically and once she does that - I think she is going to breeze through it. She is smart.

As strongly as I feel about this - that is how strongly he feels about it. So we are at different ends of the spectrum. And my daughter is in the middle.

It is so frustrating. We have to be united on this. At least, I think we do.

It is very tough. No doubt.

I think though that he is being a little more stubborn than you if he is completely dismissing what the teachers are advising.

There would be no ulterior motives behind what the teachers are advising. They don't stand to gain anything. They are only wanting what is best for your daughter.

What reasons does he have for being so stuck on her progressing?

And it is a lot better that she repeat now, than in 4 or 5 years time. That would be a very hard thing for her then compared to now I would think!

That is what I said - we can do it now and she can get her footing - or she will always be behind and struggling.

In 3rd grade the kids have to take a standardized reading test that tells the state where the kids are at. If the kids fail - the school loses funding. So - our school system has been known to hold kids back at this stage that are slow readers. In a way, the school does benefit.
He said that she needs to learn that you have to work hard to get where ever you are going in life. That you don't get do-overs. He thinks that if I work with her in the math and the tutor works in reading - she will be fine. He also doesn't think she applies herself at school. He said that if we hold her back that there will be no vacation this summer - because she shouldn't get rewarded for failing. (He was becoming a pain in my A$$) I told him he wasn't making sense and then the conversation was pretty much over.
He is set in his decision - he was before we even sat down with this.

I think he is potentially setting her up to fail by sending her on to 2nd grade. He just doesn't see it that way.

Well in that case maybe your husband has a point. I can see both sides. Especially with what you say about schools and funding. That a little sad to think that that MAY influence a teachers advice. But is is a big MAYBE!

Do you think that with a little tutoring and some application from your daughter she can catch up?

I still think your husband needs to consider listening to what the teachers have to say before he completely makes his mind up.

That is where I get frustrated. I am not 100% on my decision to hold her back. I HOPE the tutoring helps. I pray the tutoring helps.
3 weeks ago - he and I were together. But, because I worry about everything that involves my kid, I started having second thoughts when bad math papers started coming in. (We have not had to worry about math - our saving grace) I really just wanted to talk out my concerns - when he sort of shut me down - I got on the defensive and was kind of like - We ARE holding her back! You WILL listen to me! I know, we lost (or I did) sight of the object of conversation - our daughter!

I just want to KNOW that whatever decision is made - it's the right one for her.

And in the end only you can make that decision. And I'm sure it will be the correct one!

As far as being too young I do not know. My niece and my oldest son also young starters. Both have been exceptional learners and my niece was in the top 10 of her class when she graduated. My son is a straight A student, is mainstreamed, and he is deaf. So I don't know, Children are exceptionally fast learners. When my son started reading he seemed to struggle, so I went out on my own and found everything I could to help him to read. I have a Kindergarderer right now, who is an older child for his grade and he was reading by 2nd 9 weeks of school, but most children do not until Mid first grade. Maybe your daughter just has a different learning style, and maybe the teacher and her are not compatible. Well if you are definite about your plans to move south then if she were held back anyway, maybe it wouldn't hurt her to move up for the time being. If they hold her back a year in another location, then at least it will take the burnen of you deciding to hold her back or not. Just a thought.

With the moving thing - we have had our house on the market for over a year now - with no offers or anything. It feels like we are never moving. Making plans for the future are getting depressing.
My fear is that if we let her go to 2nd grade here and then sell the house 2 months into the year and then move her back to 1st - won't that do some damage?
If we kept her in 2nd when we move - it would be like letting her skip a year if you are comparing the 2 school systems. And she is behind here!

I guess I am getting frustrated with the fact that my husband is so against holding her back that he won't even listen to what I have to say. I just wish that he could say "You know, I disagree with this, but I trust you enough to let you take the lead." I wish I could hear him say that. I have stayed at home with her her entire life - trust me enough to make this decision. Don't discount what I have to say.

I don't see a problem since they can have your child tested for placement and you would have a good idea of her weaknesses and strengths. The bigger issue as I see it is the instability of home, as your trying to move but she may be in school when you do. Leaving friends and familiar surroundings can retard her progress more than a school curriculum can and with the social adjustments her class work can suffer a bit. Investigate thoroughly as I think more facts are really needed for a reasonable decision can be made and see how your daughter feels about moving away from friends and having to make new ones possibly in the middle of the year. I can't see how any decision can be made without a comprehensive placement test is done.

We really thought our house would sell fast. That we could move last summer before school starts - and we hope we can move this summer before school starts. We are actually moving closer to family - so I think that will help. We are kind of hanging out here alone - just us.
She seems fine with the move - excited because she won't be "the only cousin left in Ohio". (That really bugs her)

They do these tests all the time to gauge where she is at and according to the test she is registering at 8 months into kindergarten. Now these tests are done on the computer and no one is sitting with her to make sure she really focusing. Her teacher says she is always the first one back and doesn't think she really is appling herself when it comes to this test. So, she says it is really hard to judge the true level.
But, we know and have known that she is behind on her reading. We aren't blind to that. I just think the extra time we could give her to mature would be so much better for her.

Sweetie, you know what my thoughts are on this, as I held my girl back in kindergarten because she was not mature enough to progress. Now she is in 7th grade and a straight A student, never has to study to earn her A's.

I atttribute this to holding her in kindergarten an extra year to give her the chance to mature.

Yes, your daughter may "catch up" during the summer with tutors and all, but you know how hard playing "catch up" is. Will she enjoy her summer? No, it will be just like school and possibly making her resent studies and have a harder time and be more reluctant next year.

Your husband says "no do overs" well, you have some good advice so far, but to get your point across, pack his bags and put them on the porch for when he gets home. Tell him that if your daughter does not have a chance to "do over" then neither does he. It is a two-way street babydoll.

Another avenue to explore would be that you and your daughter move in with family down south, leave hubby there to sell the house. That way there will be no argument about holding her back. It will just be a done deal. If he is against that then keep your realtor and you all move and sell the house empty. Many families do this all the time.

If he is against everything remind him that he made the decision to cheat and ruin your family it is your responsibility to make sure that your daughter is well taken care of and this includes her education.

Put your foot down and tell him that this is what is going to happen, he can either be with you on this or he can go back to his girly. It is well known that he has not made very wise decisions in the past, what makes him think he is making wise decisions now?

I think for us - this is a test. We have been doing really good with each other. Communicating and all. Now we have this issue that we are so different on - so how do we solve it? I don't want to go to war with him - but I don't want my daughter to suffer because I am tiptoeing around trying to avoid a fight. I want to be calm and rational. I just don't know how to do that! :)
I feel strongly about my view. He is confused because up until 3 weeks ago - we were on the same page. I was comfortable with my decision to send her on to 2nd grade. Now - I am not. And trying to talk to him when he has made up his mind is like talking to a brick wall.

Move to your new state and stay with relatives when school begins if the house is not sold. That way you both get your cake and get to eat it too.

She is not held back because of the deadlines imposed by that state and she gets to remain in first grade to give her a chance to mature a bit.

He can either go and let the realtors handle the sale of the house, or he can stay behind until it is sold.

Well, I thought I would give an update on the situation. We had our meeting today at school. Her teacher, the principal, the special ed teacher and the school counselor were all there.
They told us that she is basically immature. That she is inconsistent, needs extra time to complete work and can not work independently.
They also said that they feel that she not only could be a good student, but a GREAT student that would shine in multiple areas. (That made me feel good)
They do not think she has any kind of disability. They attribute her "weaknesses" on being young and immature.
They said that if we could give her the chance to grow up a little more - that she is going to be fantastic. If not, she will always be playing catch up. And that is something I do not want for her.

So, we haven't made the decision yet, we are going to talk it through this weekend. But it was a good meeting overall.
I just hope my husband heard everything that was said and try to be positive.
I am actually excited at the prospect of this - I look at it as an opportunity and not something bad.

Oh, that is wonderful...

That is exactly what happened to our daughter. Yours will be academically excellent if given the chance!!

A little maturity goes a long way!!

**Another Update**

We have made a decision! Yea, us!

We have both decided that the best thing to do is to hold her back in 1st grade.
I let the school know and she will have the same teacher as this year. We really like her and she already knows us, the strengths and weaknesses of our daughter and knows where she left off.

Now, we just have to tell her. Again, my husband and I have two different opinions. I believe that if blame is to be laid - it falls on us 100%. She didn't fail. All of her "problems" stem from us sending her to school to soon. A decision she had nothing to do with.
He thinks she should bear some of the "responsiblity". I think it is hog wash! But, we have all summer to come together on this. He still is wrapped up the stigma of "oh she FAILED". If anyone failed - we did.

But, she is getting a clean slate and is going to do wonderful!

I'll agree with your decision too NW. My daughter is also 6 years old but a January birthday. She is in kindergarten now due to the cutoff and we definetely see the benefits of that as compared to some of the younger kids. Your decision to do it now while she's young will mean that'll be a distant memory for her sooner than later. And she'll enjoy the feeling of success in the grades to come.
Good luck!

Oh, NW, I am so glad to hear this!! I wish my daughter, whom we held back in kindergarten, would get on here and tell you how thankful she is.

The maturity level makes all the difference in the world!!

Stay strong, it will only get better from here!!

*Yet another update*

Well, I told her our decision. We had said that we weren't going to tell her until this school year is over. We have been done for a week - today.
She kept saying how proud everyone is going to be that she is no a "2nd grader"

I felt like I was lying to her by not saying anything. I just sat her down and told her. The first thing she did was put her head down and started to cry. It broke my heart.
I tried my best to explain - putting ALL of the responsibility on me and my husband - that we had made the mistake of sending her to soon. That she is going to be able to do really well on things that may have been hard and frustrating for her this year.
When she found out that she would have the same teacher, she said she didn't want to learn the same things over and that she would be bored. I have done my best to reassure her. Towards the end of the conversation - she stopped crying and asked for strawberries. Kids do bounce back! That was 3 days ago and she has only brought it up once and it was positive.
She hasn't said anything to anyone else to make us believe that this bothers her.
So, I hope we made the right choice. I am sure we did. The hard part is over and I can breathe for the rest of the summer.

This is an age old question that began when schools got federal funds for holding children back. Between kindergarten and 1st grade they wanted to hold my daughter back (1983) because she was not reading according to them. I pulled all her grades and she was making good grades so they said she should be held back because she was socially immature. We read to her all summer and insisted that she go to first grade. They said but the money has already been allocated. She went to first grade and graduated at age 17 with college classes already under her belt. Great student grade wise but she paid a price for that. For the 1st weeks of 1st grade she went to the principles office everyday because her teacher help saying she belonged in the pre 1st grade. That teacher left to have a baby and the next teacher saw her protential and gave her the chance she and we wanted.

Maybe it was because that first teacher made her feel dumb that she worked so hard. Maybe it was because that second teacher gave her a chance. Maybe she was just going to do the work. No ones knows what causes a child to succeed under these conditions. Just as you are wondering if it is the right thing to do and not knowing, neither did we.

Each child should be given the chance like you husband said to prove they can make it. They should not be a dollar sign for the school.

Also the younger they get them the more influence they have on them. The longer they have them the more influence they have on them. The school system that is.

I wish you the best of luck but if I had it to do over again, I would do the same thing. Let her go forward.

Believe me I wish I could tell everyone don't become a dollar sign for the school. Do not make you children think they are smart because they go to school for 13 years. Let them me what they were meant to be.

None of the research that prove it is good to hold them back shows the social problems that it causes. They believe that children will not be cruel and say you are a dumbie because you were held back or say I could be smart too if I went to school 13 years.

Thanks for your input. We have decided to hold her back and are comfortable with that decision. We have under 2 weeks to go before school starts back.
I have struggled with this decision and hope that we are doing the right thing. I guess only time will tell.

**SCHOOL HAS STARTED UPDATE**

Okay, School has started and we went for our first teacher conference last Thursday.

I wasn't expecting anything bad. Homework is a breeze. She is reading really well and all of her tests come home with 100%. I have not regretted my decision AT ALL.

I was not expecting what the teacher said - nothing bad - it EXCEEDED my expectations.

She is doing so good that the teacher is afraid she is going to get bored so she will get some more challenging work. At the end of first grade they want the kids to be at a level H in reading. She is already at a level G.
The teacher is going to be giving her and 3 others chapter books to start reading.

Above all, her confidence and maturity level are so much better. Her teacher says she is in the top of her class. No more struggling! :p :p

After reading the stuff that happens on this board it's so refreshing to hear good news now and then. Congrats! The positive attitude around your household will surely carry over to other aspects of your lives. :)

One can only hope. Sometimes you never know that what you are doing as a parent is right. You just hope for the best. Never really knowing (on some things)

Well, I can say this with lots of confidence - we made the right decision. What kind of parent would I be if I didn't want the absolute best for my child?

That's what we are all doing: trusting our instinct and doing the best for our little munchkins.

Like needkarma said follow your instincts you know your kid better than anybody. If she is just behind a little you might try and spend the summer teaching her to catch her up or ask an older kid if they would mind.
At first and second grade age they might catch up soon enough, but by 4th or 5th grade I would hold them back if they were still behind. When I asked the grade school why they don't hold kids back any more they said basically what you are saying. That it holds them back more because of the embarrassment for the most part and in time it clicks and they catch up. I asked them wouldn't it be more embarrassing to be pushed through and it hasn't clicked and they have to deal with not being able to catch up on basics and they fall further behind.

I remembered the program I was talking about
You ask to have him take a placement (standardized) testing
Then they give him an IEP structured specifically for him.
In the third grade my son was on the 10th grade reading and history level but he was behind in some other classes and the IEP helped him a lot.

Archived: Guide to the Individualized Education Program (http://www.ed.gov/parents/needs/speced/iepguide/index.html)

Hope this helps

Hello. I am just a concerned teacher. I wanted to know a parents point of view . So I looked around the internet for those points of view

It is my opinion to retain in the first grade. It is the only grade that retention works, in my opinion.

If she is immature, maturity will only come with time. I tell my parents, please give your child the gift of time!

Even if your child is able to perform on or about level right now, if she does not get the gift of time how will she be able to perform the higher order thinking skills that children 10 months older than her will be expected to do in fourth and up.

I have seen it hundreds of times. Children with F's one year, then they repeat the first grade and they are on the top of their game!!

I have also seen parents sulk down the hallway one year because they know their own child is behind. Then the next year they are floating down the hallways because their child is on the honor roll.

Thank you for your input. And you are right.
My daughter struggled last year. I guess more than we knew.
This year, according to her teacher, she is at the top of her class. So, for us, the best thing we did for our daughter was to hold her back. It has made a world of difference and we look forward to 2nd grade.

The magic number for graduating is age 18 we were told by teachers. We held our son back in Kindergarten due to the same reason. His birthday is Oct 31 and he was not mature enough to go on, yet he was very bright. He is actually my step-son and we all finally agreed to hold him back. He is now 16 with straight A's and doing very very well. Had we let him go on I think he would have struggled. He is where he should be. Also, if you are going to do it do it now because once she makes friends in the upper grades it will be very hard for both you and her to adjust then. Also, I work in a school and I now see first hand what kids struggle and what ones don't. It is usually the ones that scrape by with their birthdays...