It's been quite sometime since I've been in the dating game, just finalized my divorce. Prior to meeting and marrying my ex-husband of 6 years, I met a great guy out of state where I used to go see my best friend at, and we hit it off and hooked up. A relationship was out of the question because we lived in separate states, this was almost 10 years ago. Throughout the years, I still thought of him every now and then. We had texted a few times just to say hello. Even out of the blue, one of those years, we just happened to run into each other at a concert. He currently resides in a different state, but even closer to me now, only about a 1 hour flight. He has been separated from his wife for 2 years now, with his divorce finalizing shortly.

Our texts/conversations have been very intimate and we have talked about seeing each other again and for the first time in 10 years, we met again. He flew out to see me last week (he initiated it). We hit it off, talked as if we never parted as friends, and ended up having sex. After sex, he still talked and talked, laughed, we went out to dinner, shopping... But I felt some sort of awkwardness and distance. Maybe he expected to feel something and he didn't? Prior to coming out, he was very vocal that he just couldn't wait to be with me, and fantasized about the day for so long.

Well, when I took him to the airport later that evening, we hugged each other and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. All of his actions (after sex), were the opposite of what he said he had fantasized about. And he's the type who would text quite a bit (excited to see you, you are so beautiful, great talking to you etc). And I got nothing afterward. So before his flight took off, I shot him a text to thank him for coming out and had a great time with him and that I wish him luck with everything since he is going through the divorce. His response was "you too! I can't thank you enough for everything, you're a wonderful person. And regardless what happens, I want to stay in each other's lives. Even when you meet someone I still want to be your friend." Not sure when he said "regardless of what happens"... if that meant regardless of what happens between us, or just with me, if I end up with someone else.

That is basically a rejection text, or even a goodbye text saying he's not interested, right? Like maybe it was just not what he had fantasized it to be, and now I'm completely embarrassed. I may have made the mistake saying that I felt like maybe I may have made it uncomfortable for him and apologized if I did. And he said "how did you make it uncomfortable?!? It was nerve wracking for the both of us, no biggie."

So that was a week ago and haven't heard from him. Sorry, like I said it has been so long and I don't know how to read people, but I'm guessing he is rejecting me now. And by no means am I trying to jump into a relationship fresh out of a divorce, but I think just all of this happening was quite the blow to myself esteem and I am wondering what might've gone wrong so I know going forward how to handle these situations. Would be better handled if he was just a random guy, but he's not. He's been a friend for almost 10 years, we've had sex in the past so it's not anything new. Your thoughts? Before this happened, there were times I didn't hear from him up to a month at the most, but he always seems to come back. Also, I'm assuming it's best that I just let it go and not try to contact him?

My feeling... he sees you as a friend with benefits... nothing more. Him not responding to you only reinforces that belief.

...So that was a week ago and haven't heard from him....Before this happened, there were times I didn't hear from him up to a month...

I believe you are on the down side of a brief roller coaster ride, and it's a matter of time before your emotions settle back down. That's normal for uncommitted flings isn't it? What? You thought this encounter with a not yet divorced guy would be more? Disappointed? Of course you are. You are supposed to be, given this is one of those long distant part time kind of things that never had a plan or an agreement before hand despite all that "hitting it off crap"!

Think long distance, friends with benefits, casual dating, and leave it at that and enjoy it or move on. When you add those fantasies you have been cultivating for years obviously it distracted you from reality. Yeah I know, a text/note/or more steady contact would feel great but obviously you have misread his intentions, and lust levels a bit.


but he always seems to come back.

And he will probably be back again, but I have to tell you if he is your ONLY dating option you are in BIG trouble because it's so easy to fixate on your only dating opportunity, and build a false love fantasy for yourself. Easy to blur the lines of love and lust. I think this is mostly LUST since obviously you are afraid to honestly express yourself least you scare him off. From what... I don't know but that leaves you really guessing at what you really want, and what you think you have.

Did I mention friend with benefits? That's what you have, but do you KNOW what you want? Never be afraid to say what you want and let them walk if they can't give it to you. FWB has been happening for a long time, and its thrilling, and very romantic while its happening, but will leave you empty after... till next time and the cycle continues! Surprised you haven't seen this pattern before with the other sex encounters.


Also, I'm assuming it's best that I just let it go and not try to contact him?

If you want to keep getting your rocks off with this guy, that's your business, but keep it real and know what you have as opposed to ASSUMING what he gives you.

You want more? Say so! If he runs, GOOD RIDDANCE, move along nothing to see here! That's the way it goes with dating/relationships/marriages, or any human interactions.


Should I contact him, or just assume he used me and move on?

Why assume anything when you can call and ask him? You have been friends how long? Or was that just part of the fantasy, and NO he didn't use you at all.

Questions? Comments?

This was a hook up and he has let you know that is all it was to him. I would not call him unless you want to continue to have a friends with benefits relationship.

I have been in a 'friends with benefits' relationship for years. It has worked for both of us because we NEVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS and because we know each other well, we enjoy what we have with no attachment. He is only two hours away but has commitments on his end and I appreciate his time. This is key to having a good relationship under these circumstances.

His text to you was not a rejection; you tried to read between the lines and you read more into it then you should have. Text him, call him, but keep it light and easy. If you do not hear from him right away, do not assume that he is being cagey or aloof. He may just be a very busy person.

Do you need a man this badly, really ?

I have to share this with homegirl, tal and smoothy, and of course the lexxi. A 98 year old client of mine, a wonderful old fellow, made a very profound statement the other day when we were talking about relationships. He said 'a woman doesn't need a man until she finds one'. So true folks !

I thought as well, that he viewed things as just a FWB type relationship, but the only thing that makes me think somehow something went wrong, is the way he's acting now as opposed to how he acted these past couple of years prior to seeing me again. He used to ALWAYS ask me to come out to see him, to spend the weekend at his place, always pushed for a visit.

After it finally happened, that was it. No talk of how he enjoyed spending time with me, even as a friend, no talks of us getting together again, nothing.

I guess I'm asking if this is more so behavior that is indicative with someone who clearly NEVER intends on seeing or talking to me again. If he did, even just on a FWB level, wouldn't he have mentioned something like "we should hang out again soon"... "Maybe next time, you come out and I'll show you around" (which is something he used to say)... Sounds like no interest at all- on ANY level, correct?

Lexi move on, don't assume, how would we know what his intentions are. You are making your own drama out if this!

Haven't you learned anything from me posting my experience. Leave this guy alone. Play the waiting game. How old are you anyway?

I personally think you walk away and expand your dating experience unless you want more of the same. Casual dating is okay, even sex, but learn to walk away when it gets to complicated for you. You see where mixing friendship and sex leads without that honestly expressing yourself gets you even though it's just been a week don't you?

If you can call what you had before sex a friendship. Maybe that's where your problem started with those titillating fantasy conversations. Regardless of what he does, YOU seem to need time to process what you have been through.

You are still fantasizing and wondering what's wrong, and he may just be busy with another booty call. You may never know. In time you will figure out what the lesson is in all this, and do better.

I personally think you walk away and expand your dating experience unless you want more of the same. Casual dating is okay, even sex, but learn to walk away when it gets to complicated for you. You see where mixing friendship and sex leads without that honestly expressing yourself gets you even though it's just been a week don't you?

If you can call what you had before sex a friendship. Maybe that's where your problem started with those titillating fantasy conversations. Regardless of what he does, YOU seem to need time to process what you have been through.

You are still fantasizing and wondering what's wrong, and he may just be busy with another booty call. You may never know. In time you will figure out what the lesson is in all this, and do better.

Mixing friendship and sex, friends with benefits, can only work with a mature couple who know their boundaries, know each other well and know what to expect out of the relationship.

Addendum: and no expectations from either party. Difficult but manageable.

Oi... Sadly, I have to agree with some of the other posts here. When he said "Regardless of what happens..." he basically means, "Even when you DO find 'Mr. Right', our friendship is very special to me, but I don't want a long term relationship here". He doesn't dislike you, but he wants to be friends with benefits.

Ok, so I know it's almost been two weeks, and I really appreciate the advise given on here. You are all great and it was just what I needed, to just be told straight up what's really going on. I've learned from your responses to just let this go, not make any assumptions, and no expectations. I still haven't heard from him, and still have not reached out to him to get a feel of what might've went wrong. And although I'm not as much of a mess and hurt as I was last week, I'm still left wondering. No, he's definitely not interested given the fact he has not tried to contact me, I do get that. But what bothers me is that I thought despite him not wanting anything to do with me anymore sexually, I was hoping he would still see me as a friend- 10 years is a long time to be friends, and it remained that way even after marriage, children, moving to different states, etc. so I thought that maybe. Just maybe I might be seen as a true friend versus being a girl he can sleep with and just forget about. Guess I'm just venting, it's difficult to wrap my head around as I've never cared in the past about guys who just disappeared, but this one... His friendship does mean something to me other than just sex. It's truly not just about that, and I'm hurt that I may never hear from him again.