My daughter just turned 18, is seeing a 19 0r 20 year old married man, and will not break off their relationship as we have asked her to do.

We love her and want her to find her own way in life through experiences resulting from her choices. However, if this is her way we do NOT want her living that lifestyle in our home. We have 2 successfully out on their own (one going to navy academy and other gainfully employed, going to school, and married to successful programmer). It was not easy for the first two but we talked all of the time and I helped them navigate through their experiences, serving as a guide rather than a warden.

We have a 15 year old son at home and our 18 year old daughter is creating disunity within our family by totally acting without regard to our wishes or our need (as well as her own) for her to be morally and emotionally responsible, and to serve as a role model for her younger brother.

Her friend (although she says she loves him she does not consider him her boyfriend) has used profanity when leaving messages and texts on her cell phone which of course sets my mommy radar off, although she claims it's of no consequences since he's just kidding. She disregards curfew (10pm on weeknights and 1am on weekends). This is just so we have peace of mind and so the dog doesn't bark at 3 or 4am and wake everyone up. As it is, I am on a sedative for my nerves as I believe this to be the onset of an abusive relationship. If I had the money, I would take her on a trip tomorrow through Europe or just take her to the Sierra's and spend a month homeschooling her until the end of the semester. She could still graduate with her class...

If he was not married we would allow the relationship to develop. Since he is married, however, we are all adamantly against her having an intimate relationship with this man. We have told her, pleaded with her, to stop seeing him. Should we follow through and put her belongings out on the lawn tomorrow? If she wants to stay here until she graduates she can as long as she puts off this relationship until she moves.

I understand we cannot help who we do or do not fall in love with, but we can and do have control over our actions.

Please advise.
Thank you so much and good luck to everyone in this forum.:confused:

Hello and I am sorry to hear about your situation with your daughter.

I understand why your completely against your daughter seeing a married man, that is wrong and that will ruin many lives in that circle. Thinking of the poor wife.

Anyway, you want to kick out your daughter. Let me ask you a couple of questions. It seems like she is still in school. Does she help out with any chores or pays any bills at all? The guidelines for curfew is good, at 18 though it is almost like if you pull the reins in closer and tighter you might have her rebelling and screaming more. There has to be a point where you let go and let her mess up on her own.

You have told her many times what is wrong and write, by the sounds of it you probably show her by example as well. The thing is that she is 18 and is considered an adult. She needs to make her own decisions in life, you raised her the best you could. It is time for her to leave her nest. Another thing is if you beg and plead with her, and give her such a hard time for seeing this married man, that will push her closer to him.

You need to sit down, have a heart to heart with her. Going after a married man is wrong. Think of the wife. Think of what your decisions will effect the whole family. It just does not effect one person. Tell her that you have tried to explain to her that this is wrong and these actions carries consequences. Let her know that now that your 18, you need to start making decisions for yourself right or wrong. You also need to face the consequences of your own actions from now on, right or wrong. If you decide to follow through and you get your heart broken. You need to deal with your consequences on your own.

Even though you feel and ultimatem will work. It does not always work, but if you follow through make sure you make it sound as if it is her choices.

For example. You said should you follow through with the luggage out on the lawn in the morning.

When you have your heart to heart with her. In your own words, if you feel it is the right thing to do.

Then let her know her choices. Stop seeing this married man until you graduate and whenever you move out make your own decisions then.

Or if you want to continue seeing him you can not live here anymore and need to leave.

I hope you can throw in a couple of other choices in there just to make it sound good.

Like getting a job, or paying rent or something to help out more in order to teach her more responsibility.

I hope this has helped. Remember each situation is different and every individual reacts to different choices differently.

Same as you, the choices that you make with your daughter. The choices that your daughter makes will effect her and other people. It does not reflect on you, nor should you feel responsibility for her decisions and choices. You have brought her up to be the best. You can only hope and pray that she will follow that in her upcoming life as an adult.

Joe

Thank you, yes, it is affecting more than her. It is straining our marriage, as her father keeps asking when she will move out (I told him long ago to step up and be the man in her life or she will find a man that will). He loves her but cannot bear to think of his beautiful young daughter in such an detrimental situation.

I want to celebrate her independence and her mistakes, as they are hers to make and she will survive them. However, he has been rude and abusive and I cannot, and do not want to, watch her get caught up in this web of destruction. It is like watching her lay out a picnic on a train track. It is coming... it is the nature of the train to run the track and the nature of our disregard for spiritual laws to take their course as well. This is what worries me the most.

We can survive almost any physical challenge, but the intangible (emotional, spiritual) is insidious, destroying from the inside out before we even know what hit us. She does help out and she does show us affection and gratitude. She does not smoke, drink, engage in sexual activity that could result in pregnancy, just landed a good job with a local company waitressing, and seems to have it all going for her.

She is special, though, and I have championed and protected her uniqueness and nurtured her strength, outspoken assertiveness and unabashed curiosity when others considered it uncomfortable or unbecoming to such a beautiful young girl. She has always had dreams of becoming an actress, journalist, activist and humanitarian, and that is what is so upsetting. I did not protect her uniqueness for her to settle in a socially acceptable relationship or lifestyle that is below the standards of an individual of her capacity.

Most days I am OK. But every third or fourth day I just want to scoop her up and run out of town screaming "look! There's the world! Let's go get you started in something you can sink your teeth into that we can all celebrate, support, and be proud of." We all so want her to realize her dreams.

Part of the difficulty is that we have such a pervasive presence in the community that in order for her to reach autonomy she must go so far outside of the scope of her network of support to reach anonymity that she has practically gone underground with this military man and his group of friends that we have never met and know nothing about.

I did actually give her an ultimatum and she resolved the issue by lying and hiding her relationship. At least she is no longer lying and our communication is open. I see her less and less however, as tonight she stated she was not planning on coming home until 3am since she only needed two hours of sleep before work tomorrow (this morning). I convinced her that she does need more sleep than or she gets bags under her eyes, which she does, and reminded her that curfew is at 1am on weekends. She came home at 2am and went straight to bed after kissing me good night.

It is difficult for me to handle "be my mommy, no, wait, not yet, okay, NOW, wait, ok, back off, not yet, ok, NOW, I'm done, let go, here I go, I'm fine without you, wait, ok, NOW..." It's not easy and creates a need in myself to form a detachment that I am afraid would set us even further apart. At least now if she leaves it is up to her, as it is now, but I do not have to watch.

Thanks so much for your response and your compassion. It helps so much just to talk it through. Her father does not like to talk about it. It is hard for him as well.

I am happy that you came here and shared your thoughts, concerns and ideas. I think communication is important in every single relationship and when you do not have communication that is when things can break down. I am sure as the weekend goes by you will get more responses. It is better to have more comments and ideas then with just one person. I am sure you will agree with that.

Your husband does not like talking about these things, but these things are important and I believe they should be talked through. With everybody though, people react differently to each situation and not everybody is as open as you may be.

It does sound like you have a really good daughter except for the choices of being involved with a married man. That is a very big moral issue as you have pointed out. I know you do not want to watch the train wreck, but some people grow more when they experience one. Especially ones that are caused by their own choices.

Hoping and praying everything works out with your whole family.

Joe

Thank you so much. God bless you.

Just a idea why not call the wife and let her know what is going on, that should more than likey end the relationship?

I will say your husband does not want to deal with these sort of issues or don't know how to. At 18 who pays for her cell phone ? If you cut it off, who pays for a car if she has one, cut it off,

I would do what I could to get her through high school before I did anything such as kicking her out, if she was already out of high school, I would have no problem with it at all.

She is special, though, and I have championed and protected her uniqueness and nurtured her strength, outspoken assertiveness and unabashed curiosity when others considered it uncomfortable or unbecoming to such a beautiful young girl. She has always had dreams of becoming an actress, journalist, activist and humanitarian, and that is what is so upsetting. I did not protect her uniqueness for her to settle in a socially acceptable relationship or lifestyle that is below the standards of an individual of her capacity.

Ok... I am not a parent, but I have been a child. And I have to wonder if you are, with all good intention, putting a lot of pressure on this child to be something that she isn't. You talk a lot about wanting her to make her own choices and live with her own mistakes, and then you throw out a line about her not "settling for a socially acceptable life that is below the standards" that you think she should be meeting? What if that's what she wants to do?

Anyway, right now I would sit her down and tell her that she has choices to make about how she lives her life. And that you have choices to make about how you live yours. At 18, she is an adult legally, so you have much less control over what she does. But she also has much less legal call on you. I wouldn't kick her out until after she got out of high school. But I would be cutting off a lot of the extras... phone, car, clothes, etc. Explain it to her this way:

Dear daughter, you are growing up. The law considers you an adult, with the right to make decisions for yourself. As parents, we have tried to guide you and give you a good start in life, so that the decisions you make will be good ones. But we, your parents, are also adults, with the right to make and live with the consequences of our decisions. And we have decided that you may stay here until high school graduation. If you choose to stay here and abide by our house rules (obeying curfew, not seeing this guy until after graduation, doing chores, etc.), then we will continue to pay for the phone and car until then. [Here is where I'd also be discussing future plans, like college. What sort of help are you willing to give her, and what is it contingent on?] But we will not condone an immoral relationship, so, as much as we love you, if you choose to continue this affair with a married man, then one of the consequences that you will have to live with is that we will do the bare minimum required until graduation, and that's a spot to sleep, and a bed. You will need to find some way of paying for your own phone, car, gas, insurance, etc. And you will have X time after graduation to find an apartment. We understand that you are probably going to be upset at us about this, but being an adult means that we are willing to accept that and hope that at some time in the future, you will realize that we do still love you, and that at some point we will be able to have a better relationship. But the choice of how to live your life is yours, as is ours of how to live our life.

And, I would be prepared for the best case, which is that she stops seeing this man long enough to graduate and then moves out to be with him. You can't control her behavior, so I'd stop trying, and just point out that you can control _your_ behavior, and who you associate with. And make it clear to her that you do nothate her, or disapprove of her, but that you choose not associate with people who engage in the kind of behavior that she is doing. She can change her behavior, but not who she is.

I understand where you are coming from not wanting your daughter to live that kind of lifestyle under your roof since she is 18 she has the option to make her own decisions but then again it his your house that she is living at. But can you really kick your own daughter out? I could see if she was not in school but if she is in school I would just try to make her follow the rules telling her she is living under your roof and that if she can't abide by them she will have to get out. I would not make her leave your house tell she finishes school though she needs structure and discipline until then its important she she graduates but then make it clear that she will need to get a job full time and move out unless she follows the rules.