My mum is always going though my room when I'm not home, my bag my phone she is driving me crazy. I've had big arguments with her over her invading my privacy. I love my mum so much but I feel hurt that she feel as though she needs to constantly be checking on me. Seriously if I had something to hide I would have to be dumb to put it in my room knowing she goes through it all the time. Is it normal for parents to do this, I mean its like a weekly thing. I don't feel as though she is aware of anything I've done that would make her concerned. When I try to talk to her about it all I get "My house my rules" fair enough I just don't see why she doesn't understand my body my life end of story.

I just want to know if its normal maybe I'm over reacting.

How old are you?

Im 14

As a minor you have ZERO right to privacy.

Zero right to privacy well that's a bit harsh. When do I earn the right for privacy?

Zero right to privacy well that's a bit harsh. When do I earn the right for privacy?
When you are grown and on your own.
Your mom has every right to check through your stuff. Your room , phone whatever is really hers, she lets you use it. It becomes your body your life when you are taking care of yourself and she is no longer liable and responsible for you.

I don't understand why she would want to go through my things? If she wanted to know something ask wouldn't tbat be easier.

Zero right to privacy well that's a bit harsh. When do I earn the right for privacy?When you are an adult, have a job and have your own place.

Not before then... as long as you are a minor.. or live in someone else's house or they pay the bills. You really don't.

Your are 14... who is paying for that phone? She is.. whose house is it? Hers... yes it really is Her house.. her rules.

Kids make stupid decisions all the time... particularly ones that act like they have something to hide, you know, like you are right now.

Many mistakes will haunt you for life... parents that care about you don't let you do just anything you want... and for very good reason.

In a few short years you are going to understand why you are wrong about all of this.,...when you are a lot more mature than you are now. With luck...you won't have a kid or a criminal record by then. Two things that WILL negatively affect your future and possibilities in life as a teen before you become an adult.

When you are grown and on your own.
Your mom has every right to check through your stuff. Your room , phone whatever is really hers, she lets you use it. It becomes your body your life when you are taking care of yourself and she is no longer liable and responsible for you.

My phone belongs to me it was a gift from my uncle so its not hers I feel she is just being nosey. I don't agree that its my body only when I can look after myself. I can do what ever I like to My body and she cant stop me. Really I mean it's a bit extream and embarrassing when she drags me to the doctors and demands that I be drug tested and examined to see if I am sexualy active so embarrassing.

I don't understand why she would want to go through my things? If she wanted to know something ask wouldn't tbat be easier.
If you were doing something you shouldn't be doing, do you really think you would say "yes mom" if she asked you?

Zero right to privacy well that's a bit harsh. When do I earn the right for privacy? You earn the right to privacy when you move out of her house. For most kids that's 18 years old, or older.

I am a mother of a 14 year old.

While you may think you are mature, and you may be, you still lack the life skills that keep you safe in certain situations.

You may think it's your body and your choices, but in reality your mother is still responsible for you and some of the choices you may make.

My phone belongs to me it was a gift from my uncle so its not hers I feel she is just being nosey. I don't agree that its my body only when I can look after myself. I can do what ever I like to My body and she cant stop me. Really I mean it's a bit extream and embarrassing when she drags me to the doctors and demands that I be drug tested and examined to see if I am sexualy active so embarrassing.
Who pays the bill for your phone?
Your very attitude is one reason she does this. You think you an do whatever you want with your body, but she is the one who will be held accountable. If you get pregnant, can you support a baby? Your mom would have to do it. If you are on drugs and get in trouble, who pays the cost? Your mother.
Grow up girl. There are far too many parents who don't give a rip about what their kids do, who ignore the stuff their kids are doing or just don't care. Be glad you have a mother who is proactive.

My phone belongs to me it was a gift from my uncle so its not hers I feel she is just being nosey. I don't agree that its my body only when I can look after myself. I can do what ever I like to My body and she cant stop me. Really I mean it's a bit extream and embarrassing when she drags me to the doctors and demands that I be drug tested and examined to see if I am sexualy active so embarrassing.

You can do whatever you want to your body? Go try and get a tattoo. Yes, she can stop you.

She he drags you to the doctor for a drug test? To see if you are sexually active? Exactly what have you done to deserve this? Don't tell me nothing. I've raised 4 children. There is a reason she is questioning you.

Are your grades bad? Have you been skipping school? Have you recently become disrespectful?

If you were doing something you shouldn't be doing, do you really think you would say "yes mom" if she asked you?

No I guess your right but it doesn't make me feel like I could go to her either with the way she acts it makes me angry.

Would you go to your mom if you were doing something you should not be doing? Live with her rules. If you are not doing anything, it's no problem.
Maybe you ate upset that you can't get away with anything.

I don't know any 14 year old that isn't angry with their parents at one point. I know my 14 year old isn't very happy with me right now. All 4 of my kids hated me at one time or another.

As as parents we are responsible for every move you make. If you miss too much school we can go to jail. If you get pregnant we have to raise the baby. The list goes on and on.

Your mother is trying to raise you to be a responsible adult. You may hate her now, but you WILL thank her later.

I understand that as parents you are responsible for our well being, but I think that any choices we make are our own if we do something wrong we are punished for it if we do something good or acbeive something we are rewarded for it, not our parents. She is the one who taugh me my body is my own.I don't want her to go througb my room all the time and not because I have something to hide just because I don't understand why. I don't see that I have given reason to feel she needs to

No I guess your right but it doesn't make me feel like I could go to her either with the way she acts it makes me angry.
Do you cheerfully help around the house? Do your homework without reminders? Go to bed at a reasonable time and get up in the morning without a lot of yelling? Do your own laundry? Know how to cook and bake basic things? Avoid arguing and moaning and complaining? Help with younger siblings? Smile at and thank your parents for all they do for you?

Parents don't want to punish their kids for doing wrong. Parents don't want kids to do wrong in the first place and will do their best to keep kids from getting into trouble.

I promise you that your mother is not excited about having to go through your room and your phone.

Invading our children's privacy is not something we parents get excited about, or enjoy. We really have better things to do with our time. There is obviously something you did that caused her to do this. If you can't be honest with us, we can't help you. Parents don't do this sort of thing for gits and shiggles. There is usually a reason, something you did to lose her trust.

Ok I get that ill be honest I do do things that I know my mum would not be happy about. But she doesn't know anything otherwise I would definitely know she would tell me more like yell at me, punish me. So she does this because she doesn't trust me ? Why not just come right out and say it

Do you cheerfully help around the house? Do your homework without reminders? Go to bed at a reasonable time and get up in the morning without a lot of yelling? Do your own laundry? Know how to cook and bake basic things? Avoid arguing and moaning and complaining? Help with younger siblings? Smile at and thank your parents for all they do for you?

Parents don't want to punish their kids for doing wrong. Parents don't want kids to do wrong in the first place and will do their best to keep kids from getting into trouble.

To be honest since my mum started acting weird going througb my things I spend as little time at home as I can. I do come home in time for my curfew and do what she asks me to do thougb but we do fight a bit she is always asks so many questions

To be honest since my mum started acting weird going througb my things I spend as little time at home as I can. I do come home in time for my curfew and do what she asks me to do thougb but we do fight a bit she is always asks so many questions
Then stop looking like you're up to something and are trying to cover up. You make all of us suspicious about what you've done and might do -- and we don't even know you!

Stick around the house, be very visible, and be part of family life. Do you have younger siblings?

To be honest since my mum started acting weird going througb my things I spend as little time at home as I can. I do come home in time for my curfew and do what she asks me to do thougb but we do fight a bit she is always asks so many questions

To be honest, staying away from home so much and fighting/arguing a lot is as suspicious as it gets, and any parent with a teen knows trust has nothing to do with the responsibility of verifying your teen is safe and has good behavior, because stuff does happen and teens make mistakes and have bad judgement sometimes. Some mistakes are worse than others, and since you have a phone too... OMGOSH the possibilities are endless and scary for a parent.

You should be grateful your parents care enough to watch over you and protect you from those mistakes, and especially grateful the put up with your arguing/fighting, and still ALLOW you the privilege of a CURFEW!

Plus consider, good kid or not, any parent who TOTALLY trusts their kid and lets them make the rules, is irresponsible and dumb as a box of rocks!! So be mad all you want, but OBEY the rules of the house, until you have your own home and kids.

Then maybe you will understand your parents, and appreciate why they are so protective.

So NO, your mom is not over the top, she is a typical parent protecting her very you new teen daughter against all the very bad stuff that can happen in the world.

To be fair to you, you sound like my kids when they were your age, rebellious and independent, good kids but we searched their rooms anyway...out of LOVE, and concern, not to be mean at all.

They hated us, and our rules back then, but they are grateful now that we were tough then. LOL, they are tough on their own teenagers now as well, and I predict, so will you be on yours also.

Hang in there and be nice.

Just saying.

Then stop looking like you're up to something and are trying to cover up. You make all of us suspicious about what you've done and might do -- and we don't even know you!

Stick around the house, be very visible, and be part of family life. Do you have younger siblings?

No just two older brothers but they don't live at home any more they are both in there 20 s I miss them but glad they are not here all the time they treat me like a little kid. So from the replys I have received the general opinion is that I shlould be grateful because my mum basically doesn't trust me at all, but that's OK because she does it because she loves me and at least cares. Well if that's true id rather she didn't! She makes home feel like a prision room searches interigation, phone monitored. Its really hard to just smile and be happy about that and want to be around her constant interegation I just want to leave or her to chill out a little

No, we said you are to be grateful because she is showing she loves you and cares about your future.

From what you've written, it doesn't sound like she SHOULD trust you!

When was the last time you and she had a good conversation?

No, we said you are to be grateful because she is showing she loves you and cares about your future.

From what you've written, it doesn't sound like she SHOULD trust you!

When was the last time you and she had a good conversation?

I don't know when the last time we had a conversation was she doesn't really just talk like I've said she just asks me a million questions. Showing she loves me by not trusting me by not giving me the benefit of doubt. The more she keeps acting this way the less I want to talk to her or be around her. She was never like this with my brothers and I've been told about what they did.

Ok I get that ill be honest I do do things that I know my mum would not be happy about. But she doesn't know anything otherwise I would definitely know she would tell me more like yell at me, punish me. So she does this because she doesn't trust me ? Why not just come right out and say it
So, she asks and you either don't tell her anything or lie?

Guess what? You aren't trustworthy by what you have told us. You are trying to act like you are innocent and your mother is over-reacting but you are the one giving her reasons not to trust you.

When she asks questions, she is attempting to give you a chance to be honest and earn her trust. When you don't answer, give half answers, outright lie, etc., she knows something is going on. That tells her she is correct in searching for evidence to back up her mistrust.

Frankly, she is showing more trust in you than I would. You seem to be able to pretty much come and go when you want.

I highly suggest learning now how to let go of the frustration and anger. You have a mother. She cares about you. She is there and you can hug her. She isn't perfect and neither are you. It may be cliché but it is true that someday she won't be there in body. Give her a hug and ask to talk with her. Show some maturity in working through the issues instead of acting like a stereotypical teen.

Goosh I sound like such a winger lol. Not my intentions it just hurts for her to be so determined to try and find something that I'm doing wrong. I do understand that I should be grateful that she cares enough to give a dam even though I do wish she could maybe turn it down a bit its very hard not to get offended by it and I feel like I don't want to be near her. I don't want our relationship to be this way but I feel I have not much choice I won't be constantly harassed. I don't know what to do to try and get her to just not be this way I cant talk to her I just end up arguing with her she acusses me of something and I get defensive and angry and then we fight. Its just easier to not be home so much

So, she asks and you either don't tell her anything or lie?

Guess what? You aren't trustworthy by what you have told us. You are trying to act like you are innocent and your mother is over-reacting but you are the one giving her reasons not to trust you.

When she asks questions, she is attempting to give you a chance to be honest and earn her trust. When you don't answer, give half answers, outright lie, etc., she knows something is going on. That tells her she is correct in searching for evidence to back up her mistrust.

Frankly, she is showing more trust in you than I would. You seem to be able to pretty much come and go when you want.

I highly suggest learning now how to let go of the frustration and anger. You have a mother. She cares about you. She is there and you can hug her. She isn't perfect and neither are you. It may be cliché but it is true that someday she won't be there in body. Give her a hug and ask to talk with her. Show some maturity in working through the issues instead of acting like a stereotypical teen.
I have done things she wouldn't like I admit it and I haven't told her but the things that I have done have in no way harmed anyone or put anyone in danger. I have never lied to her I have always given her an honest answer. I may not have told her everything I have done but she didn't ask those questions. I am not innocent but I haven't done the things she questions me about. She is paranoid she thinks that I sleep around with any boy I see that I am on drugs everyday that's how she makes me feel. Who was that boy your aunt seen you with? Are you having sex with him? You are acting strange today your not right what are you on? Seriously I've never even had sex I'm only 14.

How then do I get her to trust me?

Goosh I sound like such a winger lol. Not my intentions it just hurts for her to be so determined to try and find something that I'm doing wrong. I do understand that I should be grateful that she cares enough to give a dam even though I do wish she could maybe turn it down a bit its very hard not to get offended by it and I feel like I don't want to be near her. I don't want our relationship to be this way but I feel I have not much choice I won't be constantly harassed. I don't know what to do to try and get her to just not be this way I cant talk to her I just end up arguing with her she acusses me of something and I get defensive and angry and then we fight. Its just easier to not be home so much

This is a bit harsh but it's the truth. You're young, you're ignorant of the world, and you're prone to make stupid, stupid mistakes. Ignorance can be fixed, and you will become wise to the ways of the world. I am in my 30s and I don't think I am all that wise. When it comes down to it, your mum is just trying to make sure that you don't fall into any traps that kids your age tend to fall into. Smoking for example, Weed, or alcohol. You might not hide it in your room but you could have access to it through your friends or through school.

You're at a crucial point in your life where you're becoming an adult. You're starting to be able to make choices and decisions about life and where your life is going. The problem is that you're ability to determine the best course of action isn't all there. Your mom knows you won't come to her because she never went to her mother. Just one of those things. So you're going to be hiding stuff. That boy you met on tinder? Could be a paedophile. She's trying to protect you from yourself and it is a delicate balance. She's not being over the top, she is actually looking out for you.

Privacy is earned. Your young yet, it will come.

Your mom is not clueless. She was 14 once. She knows you are doing things you shouldn't. She is probably not sweating the small stuff but making sure you're not doing big stuff. If you are and she asked you, would you tell her? My guess is you wouldn't. Maybe she figures her checking up on you would cause you to think twice. You are her responsibility until you are an adult. She has every right.

Yeah I am probably just over reacting. It really doesn't matter if she searches my room there is nothing for her find in there. I will try to look at it as though she is doing it because she cares not because she doesn't trust me. Maybe it makes her more suspicious of me because I don't like spending much time at home with her because I fell like she is interrogating me and its not even her asking me questions I get that its when she asks me the questions that come from no where. But I will just try to just reassure her that I am not doing what she thinks. Spend more time at home. I know it must be hard for mum looking after my brothers and me after dad died and I don't want to make her stress anymore than she does so I don't like to talk to her about things that I feel will make her freak out but it seems that I stress her out anyway. I should stop being so me and consider her more

Yaaaaaaayyyyyy!

Suggest to her you two do something together -- bake cookies or play a board game or put together a puzzle or watch a movie.

Being a mom is hard. Being a teenager is hard. Being a mom to a teenager, well, it's not always fun, and definitely not easy.

You're growing up, trying to break away from being a child and looking to being an adult, but that takes time and patience. You're not ready for the really big decisions, not about your body, or your education, or anything. At 14 your brain isn't fully formed yet, you have hormones raging in your body, those two things combined, often lead to bad decisions, decisions that can effect the rest of your life.

I have a 13, soon to be 14, year old daughter. So far I've been lucky, probably because we have an awesome connection and relationship. We talk about everything and anything. She knows she can tell me anything, good or bad, and I won't judge, I'll just give advice, and help. But, so far she hasn't done anything that could really hurt her, and if and when that time comes, our relationship will change. It will have to change. I'll have to play the mom card more and more for her own good. Things like sex, drinking, doing drugs, smoking, and all the other things kids do (and don't kid yourself, we know what you kids do, because we did those things as teens too), are dangerous, and we know they are.

It is your body, but the decisions you're making right now, the things I mentioned, can change your life. A lot of the things you might be tempted to do right now, aren't although legal as an adult (sex, drinking), aren't legal for a 14 year old child. There's a reason for that. It's because you're not mentally ready to make those choices, you aren't ready to accept the responsibility of those choices.

So let me ask you this. What are your plans for the future? What do you want to do when you graduate high school? What do you want to be when you grow up? How do you want your life to go? Do you want to have a career, get married, have kids, have a nice house, 2 cars, be able to go on a trip once a year? Do you want all of that? If so, you have to realize that even though you're smart, you are only 14, and there's no 14 year old in the world that has a full grasp of the consequences their actions will have on the future. One wrong choice and all of that is gone.

Talk to your mom, tell her how you feel, let her tell you how she feels, and find a middle ground. She was 14 once too, and that's why she's so worried. One day you'll have a teenager and then you'll look back at this and you'll understand. Until now, you can't relate, because you're not a mom. But, we can relate to you, because we've all be 14.

Good luck kiddo. Talk to your mom. She loves you. She's worried and she's not communicating to you in a way that you get, but that's only because she doesn't know how. You two have to find a way to talk and listen to each other. If you do that things will change for the better for both of you. Just try, really hard. It won't be easy, but it's totally doable. Okay?

Thank you for the advice helps.me understand a little more how and why my mum is thinking and doing these things. I think it will be good for us if we could sit down and talk without it ending in an argument. Although I am a bit concerned if we have this conversation and she asks me to be honest with her I don't know that it will end well. Do you think that its OK not to tell her about certain things if I feel that it will only make things worse.

What certain things? Maybe we can put on our Mother hats and judge if it's a good idea to tell her everything.

If I be honest and tell her about any of this I'm really posative that she will beyond mad and what she does now will be nothing and she will never trust me again and I don't want her to be disappointed in me.

Start by being honest with yourself because you know you have been engaging in bad behavior, and even listed it here before you deleted it. So you are hiding the truth, and that's lying. You cannot expect to be trusted while you do, and are bound to disappoint when the truth comes out... and it will! Deep down you KNOW not only is your mom right, but isn't over reacting by searching your room, or getting tested for sexual activity.

That does make your anger misplaced, and that does make your whole attitude bogus. You can change them both if you wanted too, and if you are afraid to come clean, then a school counselor or trusted adult should be talked to immediately and let them help you change your behavior as you get the courage to get your mom involved in this process.

You both could benefit from talking to someone that can help you both do right by each other, so make a choice, and realize your actions have consequences and yes things may well get very bad, but they will never get better the way you are going about it, so do something about it to help yourself make POSITIVE changes in your life. Obviously your lying hasn't helped things at all so change the whole lying approach PERIOD by stopping it!

Is there a counselor or teacher or trusted adult in your life you can "CONFESS" to, and get some help with your behavior and talking HONESTLY to your mom? Sure mom will be sad, hurt, and disappointed once the truth is out,but at least she and you can deal with it and eventually things can get better and you can EARN her trust eventually. No easing way out here kid, sorry, and the longer you lie and deceive and behave badly the worse it will be in the future.

So make a choice to either keep being an out of control brat, or come clean and get your act together.

I know my mumhas been right to be suspicious of me from the way I have been acting and my attitude towards her. I have been hiding the truth from her, I didn't want her to know I don't want her to be angry with me. Im ashamed of the things I have done and the way I have been acting when I wrote it down I felt so guilty and ashamed that's why I deleted it.

Your right I had no right to be angry with my mum or the things she has been doing. She has been through so much I just didn't, don't want to burden her any more. I know I should tell her about quitting dance she will find out soon enough anyway when I don't go to comps anymore I just don't want her to lecture me about quitting. My boyfriend would be something else she should know about, I was going to tell her when we first started dating but she was always asking me so many questions about if I am having sex that I though it would make it worse or she wouldn't believe me when I tell her no I am not and haven't had sex either. Im posative that she already thinks I smoke cigarettes. I know when I do tell her these things the freedom that I have now will be taken away from me, I deserve that so the other things I don't think I need to worry her about I will stop anyway so no point in stressing her out anymore.

I really want to have a good relationship with my mum I was closer to my dad annd when he died I just sort of did my own thing so I didn't bother her. I thought not bothering her was the right thing to do. I just didn't make the best choices in what I was doing and ended up making her more destressed anyway.

If you want a good relationship with your mother, you need to stop smoking, stop smoking pot, stop drinking alcohol, and stay home more and help your Mom.

She has every reason to be suspicious. You see, she already suspects you do the things that you are doing. I get that growing up is hard, but being a mother and being responsible for 2 people is even harder.

Now, you say it's your body. Think about what you are doing to it. By smoking you are inhaling toxic chemicals that cause cancer. Pot kills brain cells. Those brain cells don't grow back. Once they are killed by the drugs, they are gone forever. Alcohol damages your liver. Once it's gone you don't get it back.

Now, I'm very sorry you lost your Dad, but remember, your mom lost her husband. While you may not believe it, your mom needs you. She needs your companionship, she needs your friendship.

This is going to be hard to hear, but your mom isn't over the top, you are.

I don't know what to say to that. I suck at being a daughter

You aren't trying very hard to be a good daughter so what do you expect? That's something you have control over and can change immediately... if you want to!

I don't know what to say to that. I suck at being a daughter That's because you aren't trying to be a good daughter. This is all on you. Choices have consequences. If you want your mom to continue going through your stuff, keep on doing what you are doing. If you don't want her going through your stuff, and you want her to stop interrogating you, change your behavior.

It's all on you kiddo.

I just though stahing away and doing my own things was the right thing to do let her greive I didn't and don't want to cry about it and she seemed so sad all the time. I just totally screwed up made things worse for her. Should have just stopped and realized when she first started to ask quèstions what I was doing instead I just got angry and defensive. I do want to change that have a better relationship with my mum I don't want her to hate me or be angry

You got defensive because you knew what you were doing was wrong.

You you and your mom need each other. Whether you believe it or not, you will for the rest of your lives. It's hard to see at 14, but when you are 59 and your mother is 80 and on her deathbed, you will regret what you did for her if you continue down this path.

It's never too late to change your behavior and become close to her. You never know when you will lose her like you lost your father.

It's time you and your mother grieve together for your dad. Start writing down your memories of him -- good ones, funny ones, even sad ones. Enlist your mom's help with this. Put all these memories in a file or staple them together. Read them again, especially when you two really miss him. And talk about him with your mom. "Remember when Dad...." My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack in 1994. Members of my family think about him and talk about him nearly every day; he's definitely with us in spirit.

I think about that a lot after dad died it hurt a lot we had a really good relationship I talked to him about everything. I don't know if I could be like that with my mum if something happened to her

Thanks for the replys its obvious what I jeed to do quit doing these things and then mum will maybe not be so suspicious. Thanks


It's time you and your mother grieve together for your dad. Start writing down your memories of him -- good ones, funny ones, even sad ones. Enlist your mom's help with this. Put all these memories in a file or staple them together. Read them again, especially when you two really miss him. And talk about him with your mom. "Remember when Dad...." My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack in 1994. Members of my family think about him and talk about him nearly every day; he's definitely with us in spirit.

Thanks that's a really nice suggestion but I don't think I could do that I don't like thinking about him anymore just makes me sad and I don't want to cry .

Thanks that's a really nice suggestion but I don't think I could do that I don't like thinking about him anymore just makes me sad and I don't want to cry .
But that is EXACTLY what you need to do -- to think about him and to cry -- especially angry tears ("Why did you leave me, Dad?") and tears of sadness ("I miss you so much, Dad!"). You've never really grieved. You've pushed away any anger and sadness over his death. You've done your very best to get on with life (and maybe, just maybe, your bad behavior has been a substitution and a cover-up for that grief you refuse to feel).

I don't understand why everyone tells me I need to cry. Hes dead it won't change anything it won't bring him back. If I let myself think of him and cry I won't be able to stop it took my mum and brothers along time to not be sad, I don't want that. Im fine he's gone and nothing will change that. I have my mum so I just need to stop doing what I am doing and not argue with her and try an be home more.

You know. I'm 51 years old. I have four children, my oldest is 29 and my youngest is 14. Just like you.

I lost my dad 9 years ago, I was 42. Guess what, some memories still make me cry. Usually the good ones because I miss him. But you know what? That's okay! I'm sure your mom cries too.

You see. Your Dad is gone now and your Mom has to be both mother AND father. That's not an easy task. Then you throw a daughter in the mix who is being disruptive and disrespectful, well that has to drive her crazy!

What you don't see is that your mom KNOWS that you are doing wrong and, instead of confronting you, she is gathering facts. She needs proof to show you when you lie to her about your activities. And you will lie to her, you already have.

So, we have all talked to you. What are you prepared to do to fix this? Remember, you are the one who created this mess, only you can fix it now.

You know. I'm 51 years old. I have four children, my oldest is 29 and my youngest is 14. Just like you.

I lost my dad 9 years ago, I was 42. Guess what, some memories still make me cry. Usually the good ones because I miss him. But you know what? That's okay! I'm sure your mom cries too.

You see. Your Dad is gone now and your Mom has to be both mother AND father. That's not an easy task. Then you throw a daughter in the mix who is being disruptive and disrespectful, well that has to drive her crazy!

What you don't see is that your mom KNOWS that you are doing wrong and, instead of confronting you, she is gathering facts. She needs proof to show you when you lie to her about your activities. And you will lie to her, you already have.

So, we have all talked to you. What are you prepared to do to fix this? Remember, you are the one who created this mess, only you can fix it now.
I need to ask to talk to her be honest and tell her everything. I don't want to lie about anything, I really don't want her to know about everything but if I don't tell her everything then I am still lying. I never really stopped and thought about how my behaviour would effect my mum so I will apologise to her as well. I am a bit worried how she will react I know she will be mad that I exspect but I cant handle it if she cries.

You're both hurting, and neither one of you have dealt with your grief. Your mom lost her husband, the father of her children, and now she's afraid of losing you too. That's the way I see it. She can't stand the thought of losing you too, and that's why she's being over protective.

Now you, you don't know how to talk to your mom, you don't want to see her cry, you don't want to upset her more, so you don't talk to her about your dad and the way you're feeling. You're doing things that aren't right because you're mourning, and right now getting high, going out, smoking cigarettes, and everything else you're doing, is a way for you to cope, or to escape. That's not healthy.

Both of you need to learn to talk to each other, to let each other cry about the loss of your dad, to be there for each other. Some days you'll cry buckets, and other days you'll remember the good times and you'll smile, and laugh. But ignoring your grief will only make things worse. Trust me on this.

I would suggest grief counseling for both of you. Separate sessions so you can say whatever is on your mind, and joint sessions so you can both learn how to deal with each other and this grief.

I know it's scary to see your mom cry. She's supposed to be your rock, the place you can always go for help, the place you can go to lean on. But mom is only human. She lost her husband, the man she loves, now she has to be alone, because one day you'll move out, have your own life, and she'll be left at home, alone, because the man she wanted to grow old with, is gone. And now she has to raise you alone, and you're still young. She's grieving, and she's scared, and she's worried about you. You can do so much to help with this. Be there, be a good kid, talk to each other, let her cry and when she does, hug her, hold her, and tell her you understand.

It's not going to be easy, but it's totally doable. You can do this. You seem to be a very strong person, so you can do this. She can do it too. But you both have to meet each other half way.

Hugs kiddo. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't make that loss the thing that ruins your life. You still have so much life to live, and your dad would want you to make the most of it, and be the best you can be. Make him proud.

Add:

I'm also going to give you advice that I know I'll totally get flack for.

I don't think you have to tell your mom everything you've been doing. What purpose would that serve? You did it, it's done, and now you're going to stop doing it, right? Stop doing it, it's in the past, clean slate, and no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it.

We all make mistakes, we all do things as teens and even as adults, that we regret. Unless you continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over, there's no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it. Unless you're having a hard time stopping what you're doing, it's in the past, and that's where it should stay.

I think that as moms we often forget what it's like to be a teen. We all did things we regretted, and things we didn't tell our parents about. Now as parents we think we need to know everything our kids do, and yes, to protect them we do need to know. But, being a teen is also about learning things, making mistakes, and if you're smart, which I think you are, learning from those mistakes. You made mistakes, you did things that aren't good, that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. You learned from those mistakes, right? You won't do it anymore, right? If that's the case, then no need to tell your mom in my opinion, and I am a mom, I have two teenagers, a 13 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.

You came here for help, for advice, and you're getting awesome advice. Follow it. Stop doing the bad things, start working towards a better relationship with your mom, start talking to her, start leaning on each other, and I think you'll be just fine.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here, we all are.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I feel extreamly guilty now about how my mum would be feeling because of me. I never did any of these things to hurt her I don't even know why myself. I will talk to her when she gets home from work no point in dragging this out anymore. I just hope she will fogive me for all the hurt I have caused her and all the lies I have told her.

Add:

I'm also going to give you advice that I know I'll totally get flack for.

I don't think you have to tell your mom everything you've been doing. What purpose would that serve? You did it, it's done, and now you're going to stop doing it, right? Stop doing it, it's in the past, clean slate, and no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it.

We all make mistakes, we all do things as teens and even as adults, that we regret. Unless you continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over, there's no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it. Unless you're having a hard time stopping what you're doing, it's in the past, and that's where it should stay.

I think that as moms we often forget what it's like to be a teen. We all did things we regretted, and things we didn't tell our parents about. Now as parents we think we need to know everything our kids do, and yes, to protect them we do need to know. But, being a teen is also about learning things, making mistakes, and if you're smart, which I think you are, learning from those mistakes. You made mistakes, you did things that aren't good, that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. You learned from those mistakes, right? You won't do it anymore, right? If that's the case, then no need to tell your mom in my opinion, and I am a mom, I have two teenagers, a 13 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.

You came here for help, for advice, and you're getting awesome advice. Follow it. Stop doing the bad things, start working towards a better relationship with your mom, start talking to her, start leaning on each other, and I think you'll be just fine.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here, we all are.
Thanks I really think it would be better not to tell her about something's. I am going to change my behaviour and I will be honest with her about the things she needs to know about. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is.

Spend more time at home. Stop smoking cigarettes and drugs before it kills you. Your mother already lost her husband, she couldn't bare to lose her daughter.

Thanks I really think it would be better not to tell her about something's. I am going to change my behaviour and I will be honest with her about the things she needs to know about. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is.

I think that's a good idea.

Now, if you need help changing your behavior, then talk to her, or talk to a counselor at school, or an Aunt or Uncle, or one of your brothers, and ask for help. Or ask us.

You're both hurting, not just her. That's one thing you have to deal with, you both have to deal with. Be there for each other. She's your mom, and she loves you, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing if she didn't love you. It's a lot easier just to sit back and let things happen. She's not doing that, she's snooping because she cares, and she loves you.

So accept that love, and give that love back to her. You both need each other right now, so let her in, let her be a part of your life. I know it's not always easy, being 14 is hard, and parents seem to be otherworldly at that age. I remember all too well feeling like that when I was 14. My parents went from super cool to people that didn't have a clue imo. I thought I knew everything and they didn't have a clue. They gave me my space, let me make mistakes, and when I really needed them, they helped me. I learned that it wasn't my parents that had changed, it was me. They were the same people, the people that loved me, always had. I learned that the advice they gave me, wasn't to stop me from having fun, but to keep me safe. I learned that I didn't know anything at the age of 14.

Now, as a mom, I get it.

You're going to be okay kid. You care, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on this site. You love your mom as much as she loves you. You just have to find a way to understand each other.

I know this is not related to the question I asked but I just want to be a little prepared for anything that may come up when I have a talk with my mum. I don't know 2hat to do if she brings up my dad which I know it will come up as I have to tell her I quit dancing because it hurts too much not to have him there. She will probably cry and I don't know what to do when she does that I usually just go to my room or ring one of my brothers to come if its real bad. I don't know what to do its hard to see her cry and I don't want to get upset and make her worse if that makes sense. Do I just hug her and say sorry I really don't know

Does she think you are still going to dancing class?

She starts crying, then you tell her exactly why you don't go. That's when you hold her and cry together.

Does she think you are still going to dancing class?

She starts crying, then you tell her exactly why you don't go. That's when you hold her and cry together.

Yes that's where she thinks I am after school I use to take classes everyday except Sunday I just don't enjoy it anymore. I have all the money she gave me to pay for it put away I never spent any of it so I can return it to her. I will try hugging her. Thanks

I know this is not related to the question I asked but I just want to be a little prepared for anything that may come up when I have a talk with my mum. I don't know 2hat to do if she brings up my dad which I know it will come up as I have to tell her I quit dancing because it hurts too much not to have him there. She will probably cry and I don't know what to do when she does that I usually just go to my room or ring one of my brothers to come if its real bad. I don't know what to do its hard to see her cry and I don't want to get upset and make her worse if that makes sense. Do I just hug her and say sorry I really don't know

Don't be afraid when she cries. Crying is natural, and it's a part of grief. My mom used to tell me that we all had teacups behind our eyes. They'd fill up, and once they were full, the tears would come out. Sometimes your teacup fills up faster because there's a leak, a leak that you can't plug up, and you need to empty those teacups, otherwise that leak will never heal.

When someone cries, it's scary, it's hard to know what to do. But when she cries because of your dad, you can relate, because you feel the same grief, the same pain. Sometimes having someone cry with you, sharing your pain, is the best medicine. Especially as a mom. I know that when I'm crying because of something we're all feeling, and my kids start to cry too, I snap into mom mode, comforting mode, and I forget my own pain, and focus on the pain my kids are feeling, because that's my job as a mom. When I see them cry I forget my pain, and I focus on theirs, and that helps so much, because then it's no longer about me, it's about them and making them feel better. Nurturing others helps a lot when you're in pain.

So let her cry, and if you feel like crying with her, then let her see you cry. Hug each other, hold each other, talk about your dad, tell her how you're feeling. She's feeling bad too, and she understands. When she sees how much you're hurting, she'll put her pain aside, and that's the best thing you can do for her. You are her priority right now, so let her take care of you, let her lose herself in caring about you. Talk to her, let her talk, listen and let her listen. Be real with her, and let her be real with you. Let each other in.

Thank you everyone I spoke to my mum when she got home it wasn't easy she was very angry with me not that I blame her I haven't been honest with her. She hasn't decided what my punishment will be yet she was very upset by the end of our talk and told me she needed time to think. I will take what ever punishment she gives me 2ith out complaining. She was a little less angry about me lying about going to dancing when I returned the $600 to her. But she got very emotional when I told her I couldn't dance anymore and asked me to reconsider my decision as her and dad were really proud of my achievements. :( hmm not easy she really didn't seem to listen to me. I tried comforting her when she was crying gave her a hug and said sorry for the way I've been acting and for how it might of made her feel. She just seemed to get more upset I felt very bad for her and guilty. But I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice and support hopefully thing will get better for my mum and I will do my best to not cause her anymore stress.

That took a lot of courage! Good for you. This is just the beginning of a new relationship with your mother.

Thank you everyone I spoke to my mum when she got home it wasn't easy she was very angry with me not that I blame her I haven't been honest with her. She hasn't decided what my punishment will be yet she was very upset by the end of our talk and told me she needed time to think. I will take what ever punishment she gives me 2ith out complaining. She was a little less angry about me lying about going to dancing when I returned the $600 to her. But she got very emotional when I told her I couldn't dance anymore and asked me to reconsider my decision as her and dad were really proud of my achievements. :( hmm not easy she really didn't seem to listen to me. I tried comforting her when she was crying gave her a hug and said sorry for the way I've been acting and for how it might of made her feel. She just seemed to get more upset I felt very bad for her and guilty. But I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice and support hopefully thing will get better for my mum and I will do my best to not cause her anymore stress.

Good for you. I wish you all the best.

I'm so proud of you!!!, especially because you hadn't spent the dance money and gave it back to her. Now, be a good daughter and spend more time at home, asking her how you can help around the house, etc.

I have to say I think it's very impressive you saved the dance money and gave it back also. A wise and mature decision indeed, and coming clean with your mom shows great strength of character. I think you will also handle the behavior problems with equal success, and make good decisions for yourself.

I believe you are a good kid, and want to be a good daughter, despite the mistakes in judgment in the PAST, and that counts loads in my book. You sound like you have made the right adjustments to get on a good track and I hope you and mom both heal together.

I wish you both the best and hope you stick around with your new online family.

Thank you all for being suppirtive. The thought never crossed my mind to spend the money, I was quite surprised how much it all added up to over the few months. Makes me realise how much my mum sacrafices so I could do what I use to enjoy. Hopefully she can use that money now for something for herself. I do intend to spend more time at home with mum helping out and I have been grounded for a month so it will be a challenge. Anyway thank you all I came to this site thinking my mum was insane constantly invading my privacy only to realize that it was me. You all made me ralise how destructive I was being.I cant express how much that means to me I really don't think I would have listened if it had of come from anyone else.

Thank you all for being suppirtive. The thought never crossed my mind to spend the money, I was quite surprised how much it all added up to over the few months. Makes me realise how much my mum sacrafices so I could do what I use to enjoy. Hopefully she can use that money now for something for herself. I do intend to spend more time at home with mum helping out and I have been grounded for a month so it will be a challenge. Anyway thank you all I came to this site thinking my mum was insane constantly invading my privacy only to realize that it was me. You all made me ralise how destructive I was being.I cant express how much that means to me I really don't think I would have listened if it had of come from anyone else.
This post made me cry with happiness. I wish you the very best life has to offer. Please stay in touch with us.

Kiddo, yes, I'm calling you kiddo, I used to paint, oils. Me and my dad took painting classes together. More like time to paint than actual classes. Once a week, a well know artist in our area, held classes in her basement. We went together for years. We were both really good, he more than me. Amazing art he created. I loved painting. I have his and my painting all over my house.

When my dad died, I stopped painting. I would love to tell you that I started again, got over it and continued to do what he and I loved. But I haven't. He died in 2001. My mom died 6 and 1/2 months later. Both of cancer. I was 30 when they died.

Now, after this post, you've given me the courage to resume doing what I loved, what he and I loved. It's no longer something that makes me sad because my dad isn't around anymore, but it's something to honor my dad, because he loved my paintings, and I realize now, after all these years, that my not painting anymore didn't help me, and if my dad were alive, he'd be disappointed in me too. We loved it, we were both great at it, and I let it go because it hurt too much to do it without him, too many memories of us doing this together. If he were here right now he'd be so upset with me for letting that part of myself go.

It's hard to do the things that remind us of those we lost. But if you loved dancing, were good at it, and were happy doing it, don't let his death take that away from you. Would he want that? I doubt he would. I know he'd want you to continue to do what you love to do.

Don't let 15 years go by before you realize you made a mistake giving up something you loved.

Learn from my mistake this time. If you love to dance, then dance. Every time you dance, dance for your dad, give it your all, and feel the joy you felt before he died, and feel the pride he would have in you if he were there to see you. Do it for yourself too, because you love it.

Proud of you kiddo. You're on the right track. Keep posting, keep us posted on how you're doing. You now have a group of people that care about you as much as your mom does.

You're going to be okay. I know it!

Im sorry to hear about your parents. I don't think it would be easy losing them no matter what age you are. Im grateful I still have my mum.

I glad you have decided to paint again. But I don't want to dance anymore I hate it. It doesn't matter anymore he's gone and I don't want to dance. I do appreciate the advice please don't think I'm not listening I am its just complicated. I just want to focus on being there for my mum and not causing her anymore stress. Its hard for me being grounded not aloud to leave the house I don't know how my mum does it. I hope it gets easier its only been a day and I feel like I cant breath. Ive been told it gets easier the longer its been I can only hope.

Im sorry to hear about your parents. I don't think it would be easy losing them no matter what age you are. Im grateful I still have my mum.

I glad you have decided to paint again. But I don't want to dance anymore I hate it. It doesn't matter anymore he's gone and I don't want to dance. I do appreciate the advice please don't think I'm not listening I am its just complicated. I just want to focus on being there for my mum and not causing her anymore stress. Its hard for me being grounded not aloud to leave the house I don't know how my mum does it. I hope it gets easier its only been a day and I feel like I cant breath. Ive been told it gets easier the longer its been I can only hope.

How long ago did your dad pass away?

It does get easier, but it's always there, the pain never fully goes away. But you do find a way to move on, exist, and live. I found therapy to be very helpful for me, and I wish I could continue with it because I still need help dealing with the loss of my parents. I won't lie and tell you that years pass and it's all good, and pain free, it isn't. Time does numb the pain, but it's always there.

I still have a good cry every few months, with my husband who also loved my parents so much. We both miss them more than words can say.

But life does go on. I know that my parents wouldn't want me wallowing in grief over their loss, they'd want me to live my life to the fullest. I try to do that. It's not always easy though.

There are support groups, there are therapist that deal with grief, it does help to know you're not alone, that other people are going through the same thing. It helps to have support. I'd talk to your mom about that, maybe find a support group near you and suggest that you and her attend together. It's good to talk about your grief, to give yourself a chance to realize you're not alone.

Hugs kiddo. It does get easier.

My dad passed away 3months 2 weeks and 2 days ago. If I hadn't of made a fuss about him not coming to my dance comp he would have just gone home from work and never been in the accident. Im sure I will be fine its just hard being in the house with all the memories. Thanks for the advice about therepy or a support group but I don't really want to talk about it its hard just thinking about him. Ill get there I worry more for my mum I haven't spent much time with her and now I'm noticing just how sad she is. I don't like seeing her so sad cant believe I was so caught up in myself I never stopped to think about her :(

Give yourself a break here why don't you. You are probably just coming out of the shock of a tragic life changing event. Healing will take a while for you and your mom.

My dad passed away 3months 2 weeks and 2 days ago. If I hadn't of made a fuss about him not coming to my dance comp he would have just gone home from work and never been in the accident. Im sure I will be fine its just hard being in the house with all the memories. Thanks for the advice about therepy or a support group but I don't really want to talk about it its hard just thinking about him. Ill get there I worry more for my mum I haven't spent much time with her and now I'm noticing just how sad she is. I don't like seeing her so sad cant believe I was so caught up in myself I never stopped to think about her :(

3 months isn't long at all. I'm not surprised you're both having trouble dealing with this.

As for the accident, it wasn't your fault. Never ever ever ever think that. It was an accident, it happens, and going back in your mind thinking that if he had been at a different place at that time, it wouldn't have happened, is not going to help you. It was his time to go, and it would have happened no matter what. You need to let that thought go. It was not your fault!

Your mom is sad, but so are you. You're both dealing with this loss and you both need to be there for each other. Open up to her, tell her how you're feeling about everything. She's your mom, she can't help you if she doesn't know what you're going through. Talk to each other, lean on each other, cry with each other. That's the first step towards healing together.

I just want to wite this so I can get it out then I will leave you all . I understand that the accident wasn't my fault I do but I cant help feeling partly to blame if I didn't make such a big deal about dad not coming he would have never have been on that road. My brother told me after the funeral that I am such a brat and it was all my fault I don't blame him. I worry mum feels the same way I'm scared to talk to her about dad. I miss him so much but I know I will see him again. Thank you for all the advice and for listening.

I just want to wite this so I can get it out then I will leave you all . I understand that the accident wasn't my fault I do but I cant help feeling partly to blame if I didn't make such a big deal about dad not coming he would have never have been on that road. My brother told me after the funeral that I am such a brat and it was all my fault I don't blame him. I worry mum feels the same way I'm scared to talk to her about dad. I miss him so much but I know I will see him again. Thank you for all the advice and for listening.

In light of this post I can't stress enough that therapy is a very good idea for you, and your entire family.

If you ever need to talk, we're here. Take care of yourself, and don't beat yourself up any more. Your dad wouldn't want that for you.

Hugs kiddo.