Please spare a few minutes to read this.. I could use some insight and help. Thanks in advance.
So.. lately I've just been feeling.. nothing.. for a while now I realised I don't want to see anyone.. I don't want to speak to anyone.. I don't bother texting back to anyone or anything.. earlier on I skipped college too.. and its not laziness because I adore college and now its like.. what's the point..
So it just happened to get worse a few days ago.. also I had a realization.. that night I realised I was feeling so down... and well I guess I was having suicidal thoughts.. I don't want to be like this.. but its like I'm having them because it just seems like the easier way out. Now don't get me wrong.. I'm not sure if I want to.. do 'it' but I feel like.. what's the point to my life, or life in general.. I'm going to die in the end anyway.. and I know I'm too emotionaly sensitive to everything around me because I care so deeply about a lot of things so it affects me. So usually in a dark time while I'm having suicidal thoughts I scare myself even more (because I have anxiety too and it just doesn't work well together) . So I usually get terrified at the thought that I'm even thinking about suicide or doing something to myself. But a few nights ago I was thinking about it and it felt almost calming... but I don't want it to feel like that.. I want to tremble at the thought of suicide but I didn't get that frightened this time.. Im just afraid I'm going to do something with myself.. like I'm not even able to control my own mind anymore. I don't want anything or anyone and have absolutely no motivation to do the things I love, even as I'm writing this I feel like crying.. trying to have positive thoughts to turn how I feel around but finding it hard... Now if someone asked me if I wanted to kill myself id tell them I don't really know.. and that's the truth.. so if you spared your few minutes to read this please let me know what you think... what you think is exactly wrong with me ( I know its probably depression) but I just really need some help and some insight.. and how to turn my numbness and 'nothingness' and the feeling of 'whats the point to life ill die anyway' feelings around I just really need some help.. thanks, Marty

Feelings like yours are often triggered by events, so please give us some insights into the events of your life for like the last 6 months and does the relationship with the guy you had sex with play any role in this?

Well as a matter of facts I guess the guy does play a role in this, its nothing to do with sex though like that's out of the picture maybe its just my relationship to him. But ehm last six months have been like a rollercoaster when I started college in September of last year I was struggling with severe social anxiety I was paranoid I was watching my every step and what I say and I was trying to get people to like me.. this also involved work in a sort of why environment I was just going through a place where I was trying to get accepted, but I'm sort of over that now I guess or maybe its just a better month, and after that I was sort of me questioning my music career I guess I duno.. just a rolercoaster of anxiety that was triggered by things that happened (not necesarrily big)


Feelings like yours are often triggered by events, so please give us some insights into the events of your life for like the last 6 months and does the relationship with the guy you had sex with play any role in this?

Well as a matter of facts I guess the guy does play a role in this, its nothing to do with sex though like that's out of the picture maybe its just my relationship to him. But ehm last six months have been like a rollercoaster when I started college in September of last year I was struggling with severe social anxiety I was paranoid I was watching my every step and what I say and I was trying to get people to like me.. this also involved work in a sort of why environment I was just going through a place where I was trying to get accepted, but I'm sort of over that now I guess or maybe its just a better month, and after that I was sort of me questioning my music career I guess I duno.. just a rolercoaster of anxiety that was triggered by things that happened (not necesarrily big) There are just a lot of little things that affect me I guess..

It's should be expected that such a huge transition from high school to college is an overwhelming task and add to that the personal issues and the social pressures to fit in and meet those demands, you should be a bit nuts, and depressed. Do yourself a favor and don't be so hard on yourself. It's your own emotions, fears and insecurities you are dealing with, so it's important to get your priorities straight so you can focus on what's important, and leave what's not out of it.

It think if your studies are the priority, and NOT pleasing others, much of those anxieties will be more manageable. Even your concerns and frustrations over your music career will be less if you focus on getting your grades in order for your first two years. You can still practice your music for fun and relaxation, but the grades and course study should be where your most time and efforts are put. In this way you can have a healthy structure and balance that has a chance of success, and may even have you feeling better about yourself, your future and life because you have a plan as a guide to follow.

If I may also inquire how and when this boyfriend issue was "resolved", as I know from experience relationship issues always have lingering effects for months, if not years, and affects MANY aspects of our lives.

Yes, you are depressed. You are surrounding yourself with non-feeling to avoid the pain of real feelings like hurt and anger and sadness and unrequited love. That's what depression is. It even becomes self perpetuating if you let it, because you breathe shallowly, don't get out, don't move around, don't eat right, don't look for positive things around you. I speak from experience.

You can get help. Once a week talking with a therapist, great. You can learn a thing or two and feel appreciated, but what about the rest of the time alone? It's almost more painful than ever. Joining a therapy group is even more help, a different kind. Both are good together.

You can help yourself. It isn't easy. It's partly forcing yourself to walk around outside, to talk to people about something other than depression, to breathe deeply and get exercise, to sleep only when tired and to avoid distraction from TV before sleep. But mostly it's doing deliberate thinking. A depressing memory or thought hits you - IDENTIFY it instantly. Pretend you are both teacher and student and demand to know what is behind that thought. You just saw on the news that a husband killed his wife, a dog shelter's heat broke and all the dogs froze to death, people are starving in Syria? You recall a remark someone made to you once, and you would have said X or Y back, and wish you had? Grab that thought because it's better than the vague cloud of nothing. Walk around talking to yourself, shouting if you have to. That is the past, it's over and done. No, you can't save the world, but maybe you have already, in tiny ways - how do you know you haven't? You can't undo a hurt or say something clever to someone, so say it out loud to yourself. Stomp around. Sing.

Then you find something you are proud of about yourself and do it - cook, sing, read more about, write about on Facebook, take pictures, draw pictures, go out in public and give a compliment to the ugliest person you see. If that is too gung-ho for you, find something less so.

OH and a biggie - don't let yourself feel ashamed for wishing you were dead. Ignore people who tell you to snap out of it and you don't have it so bad and others have it worse (although I often use that last one on myself, but that's for you alone). As far as I'm concerned, the world really is a pretty rotten place overall, and happiness just isn't the end all of end alls. ACCEPT how you feel!

Report back tomorrow.

First of all, no one here is qualified to diagnose you with any illness, mental or otherwise.

Because of the situation you are in NOW, I can't urge you enough to copy your 'post/question', and get in to see your Doctor as soon as possible. From your Doctor being aware of what is going on with you, he will undoubtedly refer you immediately to a Psychiatrist who will do an assessment, which includes gathering information necessary to diagnose, and treat you properly.

Because you are continuing in a downward spiral, and because this does not seem to be a temporary situation, and because you have said you have withdrawn from life essentially, it is important that you get the help you need.

Please take that route. Anything else offered by someone other than a qualified Psychiatrist, will not help you understand your problems, let alone diagnose and treat them.

Please make that call.