comfortablynumb
Feb 19, 2016, 11:54 PM
I would like to start by giving a little background so that its easier to understand & give advice...
My boyfriend (age 37) & I (age 34) have been together for just over a year. I have known his family a long time but didn't really know my boyfriend because he was older & was out of HS before I got to HS. I graduated with his younger sister. Anyway, I am recently divorced with two children. My boyfriend has never been married & has no children. We started talking recently after my ex & I separated. Things picked up rather quickly though I doubt either of us would complain. I live with him now. I stayed with him for awhile after my ex & I separated until I got my own apartment to be closer to my kids school.
I really care about & love my boyfriend a lot, and he's wonderful with my kids, he is especially close with my youngest son who is 5. There are certain things that have been bothering me though about my boyfriend that I am trying to make sense of, analyzing, trying to find out if I am the cause.
He has a very strong alpha-male personality, whereas I am pretty vulnerable, gullible & sensitive. I know now that if I say something that sounds like I am mocking my boyfriend or sarcastic, i.e.. He asks me something & I respond with "yes" but in "duh" way/voice, he gets very angry & will tell me not to talk like that to him again. But he will respond that way to me all day long. If I am stressed or anxious about something & turn to him, he tells me I stress him out & that he doesn't want to talk about what I am stressed or anxious about because he says I am going to do what I want anyway, and if I continue to talk to him about it- he gets angry. He puts me down in front of others, to make them laugh. He will always find things to pick on about me- a zit, the fact I some hair above my upper lip (I am italian), my hair, he says I remind him of Al Bundy's wife in Married with Children", he says I walk like a dinosaur, that I am a terrible driver, that I dont make sense. He finds that bad in all of me, its like a hammer constantly hammering me into the ground until I just disappear. I am self-conscious tho he will tell me from time to time that he likes my natural beauty. I get to the point lately where I shut off & don't talk just to save myself from being degraded or belittled by his remarks no matter what I say or do. And when I do shut off, he will say things like "so you're mad at me now huh? You're not going to talk to me anymore? I pissed you off?" but he says it in the tone that hes not concerned, but like it was his goal to get under my skin. I get him a Valentines Day card, he didn't get me one but says to me after he reads my card to him "happy valentines day- I helped you move out of your apartment last weekend'. He jokes though sometimes I worry he is not joking, about not ever marrying me. Though on a good day we will talk about the future. We are currently looking for houses together. Every one I point out, he finds something wrong with it though. I wish I could think of everything that has happened, but this is the short version I guess.
Last weekend my kids were over, they were in the living room, my boyfriend & I were in the bedroom. He was laying on his bed playing on his phone, and I was complaining about things were the living situation with me & the kids there (his house is very small & he has 4 roommates!). He started telling me all I do is & complain. I said to him that he is all I have to turn to when I am upset, need to vent, need someone to talk to. I even told him that he never wants to cuddle EVER & how that bothers me & that I should be able to come to him when there is something wrong. Immediately he jumped out of bed like a bear, starting almost roaring in this rage of anger, stormed past me, slammed open his bedroom door so hard it put a hole in the wall & then turned towards his bedroom door, raised his fist & roared again & flung open the front door so hard he ripped the door knob off. (In front of my kids). I was so shaken up, I sat crying in his bathroom, on the floor, against the door. After ten minutes he came back in the house & tried to open the bathroom door & said "see what you do! when you dont stop nagging me, you make me turn into that, you don't listen when I tell you stop!" I didn't say a word. He went back outside, and I came out into the living room, grabbed my kids & tried to get out the front door but couldn't because he broke the knob, finally after much trying to break the door down so that I could get out, he opened it, and I rushed the kids in the car (my kids didn't put much thought into it, I guess they weren't paying much attention to the situation). I went to get into my car after getting my kids in, and my boyfriend called me over to him to talk for a minute. I grabbed my cell phone, left my cars drivers side door open just in case, & went over to him & stood 15 feet or so from him. He said "what, are you scared?" I told him I was a little, that he really freaked me out. He said, "what, do you think I am gonna hit you?" When I didn't answer, he told me that he would never hit me, but that I make him angry sometimes & that its all my fault. He said he has never hit a woman in his life & that if I think he will hit me that maybe we should break up then.
We didn't end up breaking up. But things are still the way they were since last weekend. I don't feel first when I am around him, I feel on eggshells, he makes me feel so uncertain of his thoughts & feelings, like maybe I am not good enough yet other times he will just randomly surprise me with a hug & kiss. His siblings have told me in the past he has a temper. I have only seen his temper one other time before, when we were in the car driving, and his roommate pissed him off on the phone, so when they hung up my boyfriend said "I am so mad I could just start punching anyone around me"... I was the only one in the car with him. Nothing happened though.
My boyfriend has PTSD, from a shooting while he was at work, someone he worked with was shot & killed near him about 6 years ago. He has been on meds & therapy in the past, but hasn't been in over a year.
Anyway... thoughts please...
One other thing- my boyfriend keeps saying he wants me to only work part-time or be a stay at home mother if we can afford it. I am all for that considering I have been a stay at home mother before & love & miss it. But not sure he is saying it for other reasons.
My boyfriend (age 37) & I (age 34) have been together for just over a year. I have known his family a long time but didn't really know my boyfriend because he was older & was out of HS before I got to HS. I graduated with his younger sister. Anyway, I am recently divorced with two children. My boyfriend has never been married & has no children. We started talking recently after my ex & I separated. Things picked up rather quickly though I doubt either of us would complain. I live with him now. I stayed with him for awhile after my ex & I separated until I got my own apartment to be closer to my kids school.
I really care about & love my boyfriend a lot, and he's wonderful with my kids, he is especially close with my youngest son who is 5. There are certain things that have been bothering me though about my boyfriend that I am trying to make sense of, analyzing, trying to find out if I am the cause.
He has a very strong alpha-male personality, whereas I am pretty vulnerable, gullible & sensitive. I know now that if I say something that sounds like I am mocking my boyfriend or sarcastic, i.e.. He asks me something & I respond with "yes" but in "duh" way/voice, he gets very angry & will tell me not to talk like that to him again. But he will respond that way to me all day long. If I am stressed or anxious about something & turn to him, he tells me I stress him out & that he doesn't want to talk about what I am stressed or anxious about because he says I am going to do what I want anyway, and if I continue to talk to him about it- he gets angry. He puts me down in front of others, to make them laugh. He will always find things to pick on about me- a zit, the fact I some hair above my upper lip (I am italian), my hair, he says I remind him of Al Bundy's wife in Married with Children", he says I walk like a dinosaur, that I am a terrible driver, that I dont make sense. He finds that bad in all of me, its like a hammer constantly hammering me into the ground until I just disappear. I am self-conscious tho he will tell me from time to time that he likes my natural beauty. I get to the point lately where I shut off & don't talk just to save myself from being degraded or belittled by his remarks no matter what I say or do. And when I do shut off, he will say things like "so you're mad at me now huh? You're not going to talk to me anymore? I pissed you off?" but he says it in the tone that hes not concerned, but like it was his goal to get under my skin. I get him a Valentines Day card, he didn't get me one but says to me after he reads my card to him "happy valentines day- I helped you move out of your apartment last weekend'. He jokes though sometimes I worry he is not joking, about not ever marrying me. Though on a good day we will talk about the future. We are currently looking for houses together. Every one I point out, he finds something wrong with it though. I wish I could think of everything that has happened, but this is the short version I guess.
Last weekend my kids were over, they were in the living room, my boyfriend & I were in the bedroom. He was laying on his bed playing on his phone, and I was complaining about things were the living situation with me & the kids there (his house is very small & he has 4 roommates!). He started telling me all I do is & complain. I said to him that he is all I have to turn to when I am upset, need to vent, need someone to talk to. I even told him that he never wants to cuddle EVER & how that bothers me & that I should be able to come to him when there is something wrong. Immediately he jumped out of bed like a bear, starting almost roaring in this rage of anger, stormed past me, slammed open his bedroom door so hard it put a hole in the wall & then turned towards his bedroom door, raised his fist & roared again & flung open the front door so hard he ripped the door knob off. (In front of my kids). I was so shaken up, I sat crying in his bathroom, on the floor, against the door. After ten minutes he came back in the house & tried to open the bathroom door & said "see what you do! when you dont stop nagging me, you make me turn into that, you don't listen when I tell you stop!" I didn't say a word. He went back outside, and I came out into the living room, grabbed my kids & tried to get out the front door but couldn't because he broke the knob, finally after much trying to break the door down so that I could get out, he opened it, and I rushed the kids in the car (my kids didn't put much thought into it, I guess they weren't paying much attention to the situation). I went to get into my car after getting my kids in, and my boyfriend called me over to him to talk for a minute. I grabbed my cell phone, left my cars drivers side door open just in case, & went over to him & stood 15 feet or so from him. He said "what, are you scared?" I told him I was a little, that he really freaked me out. He said, "what, do you think I am gonna hit you?" When I didn't answer, he told me that he would never hit me, but that I make him angry sometimes & that its all my fault. He said he has never hit a woman in his life & that if I think he will hit me that maybe we should break up then.
We didn't end up breaking up. But things are still the way they were since last weekend. I don't feel first when I am around him, I feel on eggshells, he makes me feel so uncertain of his thoughts & feelings, like maybe I am not good enough yet other times he will just randomly surprise me with a hug & kiss. His siblings have told me in the past he has a temper. I have only seen his temper one other time before, when we were in the car driving, and his roommate pissed him off on the phone, so when they hung up my boyfriend said "I am so mad I could just start punching anyone around me"... I was the only one in the car with him. Nothing happened though.
My boyfriend has PTSD, from a shooting while he was at work, someone he worked with was shot & killed near him about 6 years ago. He has been on meds & therapy in the past, but hasn't been in over a year.
Anyway... thoughts please...
One other thing- my boyfriend keeps saying he wants me to only work part-time or be a stay at home mother if we can afford it. I am all for that considering I have been a stay at home mother before & love & miss it. But not sure he is saying it for other reasons.