I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for ten years. It has been rocky from the very beginning. In the past, whenever we would get into an argument, he would become physically violent. A couple of years ago, he bit a plug out of my hand, and it required medical treatment. I left him for that, but I ended up coming back. I have been really unhappy with the relationship since then. He has not been physically violent with me since then, but he talks down to me all the time. He says horrible things to me. I am a full time college student, I substitute teach part time , and I homeschool our three children for 7 hours a day. Despite all of this, he tells me that I need to get off my lazy a** and get a job that brings in some real money. I have threatened to leave him if he doesn't start treating me better, and he says I can leave but he will end up with our children eventually because he makes all the money. Not only do I feel trapped, but I have begun to feel worthless and very depressed. I am just not the person I used to be. I know that I deserve to be loved, and treated with respect. If I leave my husband, then my children will be devastated. They adore their daddy. I don't want them to grow up in a broken home, but I don't know what to do. My question is this: If I leave my husband because I am so unhappy with him , does that mean I am selfish?? / I only want to do what is right for my children. I don't matter anymore. Please help.

You need to leave him because he ius abusive, whether that is verbal or physical. Your children won't lose their daddy, but they will get their happy mummy back again. Kids are not stupid, they will know what is happening, and I know as a mother I would not want my children to grow up in that environment, if they grow up like this they may think it is normal and wither end up being abused or the abuser. He will still be their dad, and you will still be their mum. My husband and I are nearly divorced and we had a very similar situation, our kids were babies and the abuse he dished out was so severe he was even prevented from paying child support. However a few years on he has a very good relationship with our children. I have always thought a broken home is better than an abusive one. Good luck whatever you decide, but you need to think about yourself as well as your children. If you are not happy, that matters.

Think of your children. My mum put up with stuff and we grew to hate her for that. Made it up to her later. But couldn't understand why she stayed.

If I leave my husband because I am so unhappy with him , does that mean I am selfish?????/ I only want to do what is right for my children. I don't matter anymore. Please help.

Oh no no, teacher. You are not being selfish. Mothers who choose to stay for the sake of their children make a very selfless and hard decision.

BUT, are your children happy growing up in such an abusive and rocky household? Yes, their parents are together but are either of them happy? You said that you are an unhappy woman now. We can put on a brave face for our children but they see right through it. I am sure your kids sense your unhappiness. The happier you are, the better mother you can be. The better you feel about yourself, the better you can be there to love, comfort, and guide your children. I think that children deserve to be in a peaceful and loving environment and as hard as it is having parents who are separated, they will grow up to understand that you took them out of a violent and abusive environment.

I wish you all the luck, teachermama

Oh, and don't expect him to change either. You came back too many times and put up with too much for him to even take you (or your threats) seriously (and his lack of respect for you is more than evident.)

I have threatened to leave him if he doesn't start treating me better, and he says I can leave but he will end up with our children eventually because he makes all the money.
More likely, he will have to pay a hefty chunk of child support because "he makes all the money". Did you file a police report when he "bit a plug out" of your hand? The more of a record you have of his abuse, the better your chances for sole custody. As far as the kids go, Squiffy's right, a "broken" home is better than an abusive one, and they can't be completely ignorant of the abuse. You do them no favors to tolerate his disrespect and abuse.

LISTEN TO ME FOR GOD'S SAKE! The pain of being physically abused goes away, but him keep telling you that you are worthless and ugly and stuff will stick with you. You start believing it yourself and you don't want your kids to see that. You need to think about you first, yes you love your kids, yes they will be heart broken, and yes they may even be bitter for a while but when they grow up to understand what their father has done to you they won't adore him as much. The love for a child's mother is WAY greater than for a father in my opinion. Especially if you have a little girl. Do you want her to grow up thinking that it is OK for a man to beat on her or threaten her or verbally abuse her? I bet you would want to kill his @$$ if you knew that he did. And if you have sons, would you want their girlfriend or wife to come to you with a black eye and say that your sons almost killed them? That would hurt you, although it isn't your kid that is being hit, but knowing that your son did it would hurt, and deeply. If you start not caring, which you probably already have or Im pretty sure will do if you stay with him, you children will see that and won't think highly of themselves. You need to do what is best for you and although he may "make money" you are going to college and you have a part time job so you are pulling your weight 85 times over! Don't listen to his dumb a**, for God's sake, please don't. You are special and beautiful in every way and if he treats you like that HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!! AND YOU REMEMBER THAT! NO MAN IS WORTH IT!! NO MAN!! You could loose your sanity and then your kids will probably NEVER see you again and I know that would break your heart. The judge usually sides with the mom anyway, unless there is cause to think the kid is in danger. And from what I have read you love your kids and that is ALL THAT MATTERS! Especially in abuse situations, the judge will Definitely side with you. I would break all his dam teeth for you if I could. You should have put him in jail a long time ago! NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE THAT WILL WONT MAKE YOU CRY!!!!!

First question is there any documentation, any reports and any pictures of these assaults on you?

Look up local community programs and also look up women's shelters in the area. Get up and out with your kids and make sure the police know you are trying to leave a very long standing abusive situation but your husband keeps threatening you with the kids.

File reports, get restraining orders, get to a women shelter and get the ball rolling for a better future you and your children without this abusive person.

Joe

Short answer to a long question -- for the sake of the kids -- yes -- for yourself respect -- yes -- Savage

My heart breaks for you. I've never been married, I've never had children, so I don't know what to recommend. There's no easy answer.

I grew up in a home where there was physical/emotional violence from my father toward my mother. I watched my dad beat my mom with his fists, I watched her grab firepokers to defend herself, I used to call the police or run to the neighbors for help, I watched my mom try to stab herself. We used to go on family vacations and my dad would start yelling at my mom and then pull the car over and tell her to get out. We'd drive away and I'd watch my mom walking by herself on the side of the highway until we stopped so she could catch up to us and get back in.

I'm in my early 30s and let me tell you... watching all that crap messed me up. I've never been in love, never had a boyfriend, never been close to engaged, never had a child. I get into "relationships" with unavailable men (married or long-distance). I have addictions (food, phone sex). I have troubling sexual fantasies: I'm turned on by the thought of being tied up, choked, called names, raped, etc. (Sorry if this is offensive but it's the truth.) I'm against violence and can barely raise my voice but that's my life.

I began therapy recently due to the advice I received here and I know my issues stem from watching my parents fight. I know this without a doubt. I have not shared the details of my parents' marriage with my psychologist because it's so painful and embarrassing. My life was chaos. My memories as a little girl are splintered. My dad was great to us but awful to my mom. I hate him and love him. I wish I'd never known him; I wish I knew him better.

My mom used to take us to women's shelters but she always went back "for the kids." We lived a roller coaster life. When he was happy, things were great. When he was not, life was frightening. It's not fun to live in fear. It makes you distrustful and paranoid. You can never enjoy the moment because you don't know what's around the corner.

My siblings and I have suffered; we have issues. Low self-esteem. Anger management. Conflict resolution. Trust. I don't know how your children will react to this mess as they step into their teenage and adult years. But I can safely say they're living in turmoil. It's confusing. Life is good one minute, and the next it's out of control. Dad's mean, Dad's nice, Mom's sad, Mom's happy. Nothing is constant. Nothing is predictable. Nothing is certain.

Of course, divorce can also have a negative impact on children. That's why you're torn.

There's another option besides just stay or go. Can you imagine a world where Dad sits down with everyone and promises never to let his anger get out of control again? And if he apologized and promised to get help for his problem? And if he saw a therapist and went to anger management classes regularly? I would have given anything for my father to have done that. My mom loved him, we loved him. It would have been a tender door to his soul opening as he admitted he'd lost control and wanted to make things right if we gave him a chance. And we would have! All the love we had for him would have nourished him in his journey. Do you think your husband might be willing to seek help?

I wish you strength and love. This is a heart-breaking situation. You're an amazing woman. I look back now and my heart overflows with love for my mom because I know she cared for us above all else. She saw two choices and she made the one she thought was the best. She stayed. Would I have turned out differently if she'd gotten a divorce? I don't know. All I know for certain is that life was scary. My personal experience is just one experience, true, but the information and research I've discovered about how domestic violence impacts children backs up my own experience.

Daddy changes, or you leave, its as simple as that. Your kids don't need to be around two parents that can't get along and in the long run they will realize it was his fault. You deserve better. Call his bluff!

I have tried to get him to change for years. I have begged, pleaded, tried everything. He makes promises but doesn't keep them . When he sees that I have one foot out the door, he will straighten up a bit. But things always go right back to being the way they were.

First question is there any documentation, any reports and any pictures of these assaults on you?

Look up local community programs and also look up womens shelters in the area. Get up and out with your kids and make sure the police know you are trying to leave a very long standing abusive situation but your husband keeps threatning you with the kids.

File reports, get restraining orders, get to a women shelter and get the ball rolling for a better future you and your children without this abusive person.

Joe

Re read this and stop making excuses for your husband.

The question you have to ask yourself is this - Is this the example I want to set for my kids? Your kids learn what they live. You and your husband are showing your kids this is what a marriage looks like. Do you want that?
Do you want your sons to be abusive? Or your daughters to get abused?
You aren't doing them a favor by staying. You are NOT being Selfish. Believe me!

And don't listen to the threat of you not getting custody. Money does not make a parent. He is bullying you - intimidating you to get the result he wants.
Walk away knowing that you are doing the BEST THING FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN!!

Abuse of any kind emotional or pyhsical is not needed get out while you still can the children will realise one day that you did what was best fro you and for them because when the children grow up you might not have it in you to walk away then. Just my thought's
Any man that abuses a women doesn't deserve her and should be casterated emotional abuse is far more worse because that sticks with you psyhical abuse will go away

I have tried to get him to change for years. I have begged, pleaded, tried everything. He makes promises but doesn't keep them . When he sees that I have one foot out the door, he will straighten up a bit. But things always go right back to being the way they were.

This is the cycle of abuse. Unfortunately it will not stop, but only escillate. He has done this to you, he is also abusing your children by making them live in this environment. For what little self-esteem you have, and for the mental health of your children it is imperative that you get out.

Go to a shelter. Many shelters provide counseling and therapy for the women and the children. Please do this, if not for yourself, but save your children from going through this in their adult lives.

LISTEN TO ME FOR GOD'S SAKE! The pain of being physically abused goes away, but him keep telling you that you are worthless and ugly and stuff will stick with you. You start believing it yourself and you don't want your kids to see that. You need to think about you first, yes you love your kids, yes they will be heart broken, and yes they may even be bitter for a while but when they grow up to understand what their father has done to you they wont adore him as much. The love for a child's mother is WAY greater than for a father in my opinion. Especially if you have a lil girl. Do you want her to grow up thinking that it is ok for a man to beat on her or threaten her or verbally abuse her? I bet you would want to kill his @$$ if you knew that he did. And if you have sons, would you want their girlfriend or wife to come to you with a black eye and say that your sons almost killed them? That would hurt you, although it isn't your kid that is being hit, but knowing that your son did it would hurt, and deeply. If you start not caring, which you probably already have or Im pretty sure will do if you stay with him, you children will see that and wont think highly of themselves. You need to do what is best for you and although he may "make money" you are going to college and you have a part time job so you are pulling your weight 85 times over! Don't listen to his dumb a**, for God's sake, please dont. You are special and beautiful in every way and if he treats you like that HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!!! AND YOU REMEMBER THAT! NO MAN IS WORTH IT!!!! NO MAN!!!! You could loose your sanity and then your kids will probably NEVER see you again and I know that would break your heart. The judge usually sides with the mom anyway, unless there is cause to think the kid is in danger. And from what I have read you love your kids and that is ALL THAT MATTERS! Especially in abuse situations, the judge will DEFINATELY side with you. I would break all his dam teeth for you if I could. You should have put him in jail a long time ago! NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE THAT WILL WONT MAKE YOU CRY!!!!!


Everything I was going to say!

My sister was in a similar situation- she waited until he was screaming at her one night and called the cops, and they asked her if she wanted husband out and she said yes. Then she had to file a restraining order. SO it was easier to get HIM out - than for her to move 3 young kids out to a shelter. Not sure this would work for you but thought I would add it .
God bless.
Feel free to message me

It really depends on what you choose in life. If it's the children's happiness that matters then you can stick on staying, if its your happiness, then leave. On the contrary, if you think the children will be OK without you, then no problem, leave him.

It really depends on what you choose in life. If its the children's happiness that matters then you can stick on staying,

Although I doubt the children are happy seeing and hearing their mother abused. They are most likely scared of daddy except to his face.

So, if it is the children's happiness you are concerned about, you should get out.

I dont know what to do. My husband and I have been married for ten years. It has been rocky from the very beginning. In the past, whenever we would get into an argument, he would become physically violent. A couple of years ago, he bit a plug out of my hand, and it required medical treatment. I left him for that, but I ended up coming back. I have been really unhappy with the relationship since then. He has not been physically violent with me since then, but he talks down to me all the time. He says horrible things to me. I am a full time college student, I substitute teach part time , and I homeschool our three children for 7 hours a day. Despite all of this, he tells me that I need to get off my lazy a** and get a job that brings in some real money. I have threatened to leave him if he doesn't start treating me better, and he says I can leave but he will end up with our children eventually because he makes all the money. Not only do I feel trapped, but I have begun to feel worthless and very depressed. I am just not the person I used to be. I know that I deserve to be loved, and treated with respect. If I leave my husband, then my children will be devastated. They adore their daddy. I don't want them to grow up in a broken home, but I don't know what to do. My question is this: If I leave my husband because I am so unhappy with him , does that mean I am selfish?????/ I only want to do what is right for my children. I don't matter anymore. Please help.
Girl you need to leave his sorry!! why on earth would you think your being selffish for leaving him. He's done nothing but bring you down from jump. You can do so much better than that. You can do bad by yourself. And sounds to me like your already a strong women homeschooling and working at the same time. Honey if he doesn't no your worth than you find a man that does. That will treat you like the queen you are. That will hold you and uplift you instead of making you feel like crap. A man that will be there for you and say"baby i will take care of everything". There are men like that out there. And your kids are going to be fine because I'm sure they don't want there mother feeling like you are now. And as time goes by they will come to understand what they couldn't before. You leave him and you don't look back. Time heals ALL wounds. There will come a day when you can think about him and laugh. You go fine a REAL man. Because the little boy your with now isn't worth .

Honey... if you stay with him is is telling your kids that it is OK to do that... I just went and am going through it as we speak... my kids are so happy I left and they could tell EVERY time I was not happy... there is places that you kids can go to, to understand why MOMMY and DADDY are getting divorced, It does NOT matter who has them money... it matters who is there with the kids... it sounds to me like you are the sole care giver to the kids... homeschooling in its self... it showes you have the patience for the kids. Does he?? Money can't buy love or happiness. And like the other one said with all of that money he will pay you child support... in some cases the children go with the mother. Good luck to you and remember if you let him talk about you with your kids around it is also telling your children that it is OK for them to do that when they get older and it is NOT!

Your children are living in a hostile environment. They are seeing their mother disrespected and this is very unhealthy for them. You are doing more harm to them by keeping them in that house, than leaving. Just because you are not living in the same house, doesn't mean that your kids won't see their father. Do you think he will abandon them if you two aren't together? If you decide to divorce him, then they can see a happier mother as well as a happier father. Don't stay with him just for the kids. You are important too! You are by no means being selfish. You have a life too. And you've got to do what the hell you've got to do to survive in this world. Your kids will grow up oneday and realize why you had to do what you did and they will respect you for it. I'm pretty sure they don't like seeing their mother go through this. Be strong and if you and him can't talk to each other and if he can't respect you and realize what sacrifices you have done for your family, then he needs to be alone. You are smart, beautiful, and a great mother! Don't let him take your soul away. If he can't appreciate you, someone else will. Don't worry, be happy.

Stop and think about what you are teaching your children - would you ever tolerate them being treated in this manner.

It may be hard on your own for a while but trust me it is better than what you are going through and will be the beginning of a whole new life! Now that has got to be worth going for.

How can anyone that is meant to love you hurt you in anyway, and spessialy how he has hurt you. Everything that goes on around your children will effect them in time I speak from expeariance as I have been throu it as a child. You also have to think about yourself and making you happy when your happy your children will be happy.

You Are Not Being Selfish If You Leave Him I Think It Would Best Thing To Dfo Because By Staying Wiv Him Wii Be Upsetting The Children And They Should Come 1st Get Out Of There. Take The Kids Wiv You The Kids Will Go To Who The Best Parent Is Its Not About Money I Have My Child And No Job My Child Dad Works He Anit Got Her Just Think About Your Kids And You You All Deseve Beeter And You Get That If You Consetrat On You Kids And You Good Luck

Well it has been a while since I posted. My husband and I got back together again- but it isn't going very well. He is being hateful to me constantly, no matter what I do. He claims that he is stressed over bills and money. It just feels like we have no relationship, and like there is no connection between us. I would really like to move forward, and put the past behind us. I would like for us to raise our children in a loving , Christian environment. It just seems like he doesn't want to try. How can I get him to try? Are relationships supposed to be this much work?

Sometimes we just have to throw in the towel. Life is too short and you're both not doing the kids any favours, they would rather have you apart and happy than together and fighting all the time.

To be honest, it sounds to me like he wants out but may feel pressured to stay. This will never work out. Do yourselves a favour, sit down and talk honestly about what you both want. Speak but listen too.

Even if it means going your separate ways, you can still be friends. Perhaps not close friends but the fighting should stop. You both deserve better than living in a war zone.

My best relationship analogy is as follows:

A relationship is like a rowboat. What happens when only one person is rowing? The boat swings in circles and you get nowhere except tired and frustrated. When both people row the boat sails smoothly and the effort is in fact effortless.

So my question to you is who is rowing the boat?

I know that this is a little late, but I am in a relationship which I have recently realized is abusive emotionally and verbally. It's odd how you notice things in the relationship, but shrug them off. Then they build and build until it's not something small anymore. And it just seems like the abuse comes out of nowhere. And even though I don't 'walk on eggshells', those mood swings are pretty darn intimidating and I realize how much I have changed myself to live with him and I am not who I want to be and I don't want my children growing up to live or be like this.

I am in college, too. I went to counseling Thursday, and I realized that since the beginning my husband has had a history of violent outbursts; he has never hit me, and I don't believe that he ever will. But we have several holes in our wall and he has broken several things. I let that slide; it can be fixed. He also started calling me names. It went from occasionally in the beginning and now it seems like it is everyday. It doesn't really bother me. I am a strong person and I let it go in one ear and out the other. It is emotionally draining, though. However, the other night when my husband was putting our daughter to bed, I heard him call her retarded; that was a slap in the face! I started putting things together that my mom had told me about emotional abuse and I Googled it. Then, after I learned that I was in that type of relationship, which now all the pieces are fitting together about my affected schoolwork, how I can't get away from the house, his isolation of me from the world, somehow making everything my fault even if it isn't, name-calling, etc. my teacher asked to speak with me after class and I told her the whole story. Come to find out she was also in a relationship like this for 22 years. She told me that she had been stuck for the same reason that I am stuck: bills. But, as I do more searches on the internet, I grow stronger with my ever-expanding base of knowledge.

I have cried the whole time I have read the responses to your question. I have the same trials as you. If it was just me, then this would not be so tough of a decision. I have two dilemmas. First, I don't know how this is going to affect my children. Do I leave him even with the kids? Do I love him anymore? I know that I did at the beginning. It was the kids that has prompted me to find answers to my questions by using Google to search, which is how I found this page, and by seeking counseling at school. It is a hard road down which to travel when you know that things at home are not right, yet you are afraid that you might be throwing something away that can be repaired. It is fear of the possibilities which leaves us grounded. How can someone we have put so much faith in for this amount of time violate us so much? How can they just tear down our self-esteem and the entire time ignore the fact that it is so destructive to our soul? How can we just give up on the person that we swore to love forever? Then the kids. How can we separate our children from their fathers.

I have two dilemmas. First, I don't know how this is going to affect my children. I am in an educational psychology class. In one of the chapters we studied, a study showed that children do better in broken families than in families that are together but fight constantly. That knowledge has given me strength. So, I know which choice is best for them. Second, I have discovered that I like one of my husband's friends. I have really always liked him, but I have suppressed it. Now he has a girlfriend with a baby and has just found out that he has one on the way. I don't want to leave my husband for another man. That to me is wrong. If I leave him, it will be for me and my kids. So now, the only real question that remains is: do I love him still or is it over? After two weeks of brutal reality setting in, that's the reason that I am still here. Am I going to give up on something that we may have been able to fix, which would not have placed my children in a broken home. I know that I do not feel the same for husband as I did, but I am unsure if I am out of love with him. My husband, like yours, will not seek treatment. I know him better than that. I told that to the counselor, but I still asked him last night and he confirmed my beliefs. I can stand being lonely. What I cannot stand is the doubt that maybe we could have made it work and our children would have been better off for it. One thing that I do not share with you is that my husband has never been physically violent with me. Of that I am grateful, but it is hard to show people that you are being abused when you have no proof, especially the courts. You also doubt yourself as to whether you are blowing things out of proportion or if you truly are in a bad situation. For a while, I just thought that it was his inability to cope with stress and that he had never learned how to deal with his anger and that it was okay. For the fact that he yelled at me and called me names, I brushed it off. BUT IT IS NOT OKAY! You and I are both human beings and we should be treated as such. We should not have to change to suit someone else's mood swings to make our habitat more bearable. I am also grateful that my husband is a great dad, so if I do decide to leave him, I know that he will still love our kids just as strongly.

I found this website while I was searching for answers and it answers some very frightful, tough legal questions, which I believe that you have been hinting at. These answers should give you strength and knowledge about how to keep your kids and how the legal system will help you, rather than hurt you. Even though it is for Tennessee, there are many similarities for other states, so the advice still rings true.

Commonly Asked Divorce Questions (http://www.womansdivorce.com/commonly-asked-divorce-questions.html)

Here is another website which will help you when you decide to leave, and God only hopes that that will be soon for the both of us.

Divorce Source: The ABC's of Divorce (http://www.divorcesource.com/TN/ARTICLES/mason1.html)

The internet can be a powerful tool and weapon. Use it to your advantage to find out all you can about abuse, divorce, the effects on children, etc. However, I must caution you: some sites are not research-based; they are biased. I found one site on how a marriage must be saved at all costs because it was a sin to divorce. Another stated that divorce should be avoided at all costs because in the US the divorce rate is 50% (although I cannot understand why they would encourage a woman to stay in a relationship that is abusive just so that they can keep numbers down and looking good; especially when it's these women that this advice will affect, not the ones that are in and out of relationships in a split second, maxing out the number of times one can legally marry in a state). Just be aware of your sources and take everything with a grain of salt, but use it to make him play in your backyard!

Be brave and strong, for you are destined to do great things, and a detrimental relationship will only prevent you from fulfilling your destiny and inspiring your children.

This is exactly what I am going through with my husband. I am with him 10 years. We have 3 kids. My husband even don't see that he is doing something wrong. I am so sad that I feel I can't go through the pain anymore. I am staying for the kids and praying to be strong enough to smile... for the kids.It is my foult I should know better before I have kids. Now I will pay for that for rest of my life, if he will not listen what he is doing to me. I am f**** stupid! But I am a great mom and I am doing everything I can to keep they life happy.
I wish someone help me.

Oh and beside that my husband telling me that I am lazy, because his friends say so... and they know better then he does.

He won't get the children. You should leave. It's really not good for you or for the children. You will all be much happier eventually if you leave. It will take a lot of strength and be difficult but the sun will be shining for you at the end of it...