Hi all,
So I took the advice from my last "relationship" experience I got on here and applied it to this girl I was dating. (Get to know the girl and no sex involved for a bit) We starting dating at the end of September. On our first date, I took her on a picnic. I cooked, laid out a blanket, we sat by the lake and we had a great time.

We made out a bit, had great conversation, and even had a few inside jokes already. We texted all that week, both saying we had a great time and we're looking forward to seeing each other again. We made plans for the next week and she decided she would come over and I would cook her dinner.

We had another amazing time. We slow danced, lied down together for hours, talked and laughed. We made out for awhile. It was really nice. We texted each other all that week as well. Complimenting each other, flirting, talking about our day, and saying we can't wait to see each other again. Calling each other beautiful and handsome. Saying the good mornings and goodnights.

She called and said "Lets do something festive". I said that sounds great, like what? She said "Lets carve pumpkins" I said that sounds perfect to me. I'll come to you since you came to me last time. She said "Perfect". The next few days we were both talking about it and getting excited about it.

The day before it was suppose to happen she texted and said "Hey, would you rather go see a movie instead?" I said "Why, I thought we were carving pumpkins?"
She said "Well I think we need more time for that, that's something we can do on the weekend. We can do that this weekend, she said. I said "Ok, cool"

There wasn't any good moves playing so we ended up doing mini golf at night.
We had the whole course to ourselves. It was a beautiful night. She was VERY flirty! Constantly touching me, smiling, kissing me, we kissed a lot and made out in between holes. It was great. I told her I really liked her and I like the feeling I get being around her and that she makes me smile. She said "Awwww, babe, I feel the same way. That makes me so happy".

We ended the night with some kisses and she said she was going to come over my place either Saturday or Sunday for pumpkin carving. She had a fundraising event Friday night and said she had to help clean up Saturday. I said "Ok, well just let me know". She said 'Ok"

Yesterday she was VERY short and distant. I text her around 3pm and said "Hey, some of my friends want to go out tonight so let me know if you're coming over today" She said "Today isn't going to work, I've been cleaning all day. I said "Ok, well let me know what time you want to shoot for tomorrow. I hope your day is going well"

She texted back later and said "I want to spend the day with my family tomorrow. I hope you understand". I replied "Is something wrong", because I had a bad gut feeling....

She replied "I just need some space". She didn't even want to talk on the phone about it. So we just texted. It was kind of annoying. Basically she said she just needs some space for now and didn't really give a reason.

I'm really confused because it came out of nowhere. I mean obviously I'll give her her space, but is it over? If it's not, should I even consider starting something up with this girl again?
I mean I took the whole sex equation out of it and got to know her and we had great times.
I'm just really confused...
Thanks for reading this. Everyone on here is great and it's a great thing how people help everyone out. :)

Is this the same girl? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/does-she-like-me-she-emotionally-unstable-815904.html

Is this the same girl? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/does-she-like-me-she-emotionally-unstable-815904.html

No, new girl. I got over that last girl quickly. She was just bad news and you guys helped me see that.
I didn't know where to post this new topic, in the dating or relationship?

Can I move this to the Relationship section? Or is this in the right spot?

Sounds like she may have had a change of heart or something. I'd leave it alone.

Again, too fast too furious.

Is it over? It never began. You can't have an ending without a beginning.

Now you have to learn how to "begin" appropriately to have a lasting healthy relationship.

I mean no ill will, but are you as desperate in reality as you come across here?

You need to stop with the "making out." That makes your hormones scream. Your brain can't think properly if your hormones are screaming.

Keep your lips, hands and groin to yourself for at least two months when dating a new lady. The right woman will respect you more.

You write blurbs about each date as though they are going on a greeting card. Who cares about picture-perfect first few dates?
She may have met someone else. She may have been giving her time with you her best shot, but it just didn't make her heart go pitter pat. Maybe you texted too much for her taste, or not enough, or said things she didn't go for. She may have thought it was all a bit superficial. I expect to exchange a bit of deeper thoughts with someone, even a new someone, just a minute here and there at first and then more and more as time goes on. Childhood. Plans for life. Hopes. Fears. How you get along with family. Where you wish you could live. What your career would be.

Just the fact that you are here wondering if we know if it's over based on date details tells me a LOT. You think there are answers and rules and guide books. There aren't. You act naturally. You are who you are. You be friendly and you listen as much as you talk. The rest is up to chemistry.

OMG guy, just give her space to do other thing in her life. This will help her, and you process what HAS already happened. If you cannot allow her to slow down and take stock without the dread, then maybe you aren't ready yet for even dating.

Don't take it personally, it's easy to get overwhelmed by the cutesy pootsy making out and having fun as you get to know each other dates, and slowing down a bit to catch your breath and think is a GREAT thing.

No doubt you need some time to unpack your own past baggage and do something besides chase another female so exclusively, and this allows you to do that so don't waste it being afraid, and confused.

Can't you just give her space without the desperate drama?? Just be cool and try as more will be revealed later. The dread "need space" didn't come out of nowhere and if you weren't so distracted by the makeout fun you would have seen it coming, and expected it, and slowed the physical stuff in the first place.

RELAX!!!

Yeah, I am giving her her space. I played everything pretty normal. I didn't text too much, I didn't pry. I guess I'm just very sensitive person and I take things too personally. I have to learn to relax and take things in stride.

Dating is about having FUN as you get to know someone to see if a relationship is something you BOTH want to take a CHANCE at.

It seems like the same scenario just a change of No sex. You want to do things right. So far, there is not enough time on the dating clock to move forward to where you want things to be. Give it a little more time and have a "tete e tete" to see if it has a chance to grow.

This is the key in a new relationship - don't put your own life on hold. Focus entirely on work or school when you are working on those things, go out with your friends, clean your place, do the laundry, pay the bills - whatever you would do if she wasn't in your life at all, keep doing it. You are attempting to have a relationship with someone you have gone out with a few times. It's making her uncomfortable, even though she got swept away too. It sounds like she realized it was too much, too soon.

So, chill out and relax. Don't expect to hear from her daily or even every other day. Let some time pass. Maybe in a week, you could reach out to her and see if she'd like to go to dinner. If she says "no", take your exit. Then next time, no big makeout sessions for the first few dates. Take her out, a kiss at the door is the max and even that - not on the first date. Second date, sure, if she seems into you, go for the kiss. But one nice kiss, then thank her for a nice date, ask if you can call, and then maybe a couple days later, call and set up the third date. Make it casual, daytime - relaxied. Don't contantly be going for some goal of a relationship or to make out or score - go with the intention of getting to know her and seeing if you feel she might be a good fit for you. Slow wayyyyy down.

I'm glad you held off on the sex until you began to really sense who this woman is.

I have little respect for people who cannot give a straight answer. A straight answer is not excuses, quick texts, and short status quo answers like, "I need space". Those are the behaviours of someone who is not ready, willing or able to walk on the path they have themselves, created.

Jumping ship before leaving the harbor isn't a good sign. Everything as you said, was going well, and there were no signs of either of you not willing to carry on as you had been, making arrangements for things to do together, etc. Then everything stopped on a dime.

I think your instincts are good.

IF and when SHE contacts you again, be certain that you are willing to talk to her, given the opportunity, about honesty. Feel her out to see how she reacts when you tell her you were a little miffed about suddenly 'needing space', and what it means, or meant.

(my gut tells me there is another guy... )

Give yourself space, and if things should progress to another date, make it for two weeks ahead, because YOU have plans you cannot change. If she bails, I wouldn't give her another thought. If she doesn't bail, take things very slowly and get to know her. Find out where she sits on values, and honesty, respect, responsibility, etc. She may surprise you and you learn more about her that you really like.

But go slow.

Thanks everyone! I appreciate everyone's feedback and advice. I'll stay busy with my work and friends. I'll keep you updated on what happens.

I'm glad you held off on the sex until you began to really sense who this woman is.

I have little respect for people who cannot give a straight answer. A straight answer is not excuses, quick texts, and short status quo answers like, "I need space". Those are the behaviours of someone who is not ready, willing or able to walk on the path they have themselves, created.

Jumping ship before leaving the harbor isn't a good sign. Everything as you said, was going well, and there were no signs of either of you not willing to carry on as you had been, making arrangements for things to do together, etc. Then everything stopped on a dime.

I think your instincts are good.

IF and when SHE contacts you again, be certain that you are willing to talk to her, given the opportunity, about honesty. Feel her out to see how she reacts when you tell her you were a little miffed about suddenly 'needing space', and what it means, or meant.

(my gut tells me there is another guy... )

Give yourself space, and if things should progress to another date, make it for two weeks ahead, because YOU have plans you cannot change. If she bails, I wouldn't give her another thought. If she doesn't bail, take things very slowly and get to know her. Find out where she sits on values, and honesty, respect, responsibility, etc. She may surprise you and you learn more about her that you really like.

But go slow.

Come to think of it, on our first date we talked about what was important to us in a relationship. When I said communication, she said "Oh boy, I'm really bad at that. I can't communicate at all and I just shut down"
That just hit my mind since you said find out where she sits on values etc.

Interesting.

Always a good idea to reflect, and also a good idea not to blame yourself.

Stay strong.

“I replied "Is something wrong"” What? She wants to do something without you and you go there?

You sound very smothering and smothering is never attractive. There are those of us out there in the world who can’t be around people like you. I know I couldn’t. I went back and reread what you wrote on the previous encounter with a woman and these encounters sound so unreal and uncomfortable. In every relationship I’ve been in there’s a requirement that I have my own friends and my own time to do whatever I please. You know she probably got bad vides from you and that’s what is pushing her away. I know I got bad vibes just reading it.

“I replied "Is something wrong"” What? She wants to do something without you and you go there?

You sound very smothering and smothering is never attractive. There are those of us out there in the world who can’t be around people like you. I know I couldn’t. I went back and reread what you wrote on the previous encounter with a woman and these encounters sound so unreal and uncomfortable. In every relationship I’ve been in there’s a requirement that I have my own friends and my own time to do whatever I please. You know she probably got bad vides from you and that’s what is pushing her away. I know I got bad vibes just reading it.

Well she's the one that made plans with me for Saturday or Sunday. She wanted to see me on one of those days. Her text on Friday afternoon "Hey, I can't wait to see you this weekend. I'll let you know what time I'll be over" She lives with her family, so when she said she didn't want to see because she wants to spend time with her family, yeah, I got the feeling something was wrong.

“I got the feeling something was wrong.” Well there might be. You might be creeping her out. You haven’t known her that long and you are moving very fast. I imagine the same thing happened with the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that… You are 30+ based on your last posting – what has been your longest relationship? If I was in a relationship where the other person moved as fast as you, I would feel very uncomfortable. You are in the getting to know each other stage so you shouldn’t be putting expectations on her for anything. You do accept that she is allowed to do other things which don’t include you and she is also allowed to see other people right?

Give her some space. People like their space. I work at the same company as my spouse so that means we live and work together. But we continue to have our own friends and we have shared friends too. We also continue to have our own activities and that will never change. Those things and space are important. Maybe she doesn’t want to be contacted by you daily yet. Maybe she doesn’t want to see you daily.

“I got the feeling something was wrong.” Well there might be. You might be creeping her out. You haven’t known her that long and you are moving very fast. I imagine the same thing happened with the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that… You are 30+ based on your last posting – what has been your longest relationship? If I was in a relationship where the other person moved as fast as you, I would feel very uncomfortable. You are in the getting to know each other stage so you shouldn’t be putting expectations on her for anything. You do accept that she is allowed to do other things which don’t include you and she is also allowed to see other people right?

Give her some space. People like their space. I work at the same company as my spouse so that means we live and work together. But we continue to have our own friends and we have shared friends too. We also continue to have our own activities and that will never change. Those things and space are important. Maybe she doesn’t want to be contacted by you daily yet. Maybe she doesn’t want to see you daily.

My longest relationship was 3 years. Yes, Im in my early 30's. My last "relationship" which I posted about was basically a hook up after I looked at it.
But my relationships before that I was always the one that that felt rushed.

In my 3 year relationship the girl started talking about marriage 3 months into it. I had a talk with her and told her that was WAAY TOO early for bringing that up.

My past relationship was 9 months. Basically the same thing. After about 4 months she started talking about marriage and I told her it was too early.

In this new "dating" issue. I was honestly going off her actions. I had intentions of not texting her for a day or so, but I would get a text from her in the afternoon saying "Hey, babe, I miss you. I can't wait to see you. How are you?". I wasn't putting any pressure on her at all. Thursday we had our last date. I wasn't going to text her until Friday. She text me Thursday saying "Hey handsome. I had such an amazing time with you lastnight :) :) :) :) I can't wait to see you this weekend."

Again, she was the one that wanted to do something over the weekend. I just told her to let me know so I can make plans with my friends to play ball.
I didn't hear from her Saturday, so I just wanted to know what was going on so I could play ball that night.

That's when she said she needed space...

Well good. Now I feel less creeped out. Maybe she has most of the issues, but you both would know that if you slowed things way the heck down. When a relationship is rushed the chances go up that there will be a crash and burn in the future and probably the near future. And if you think about it, it makes sense to get to know the true person first before making a commitment to that person. Just remember when you meet someone and go out with them, you are going out with an actor in the beginning. People including you and I don't let their guard down until we have known them awhile.

Well good. Now I feel less creeped out. Maybe she has most of the issues, but you both would know that if you slowed things way the heck down. When a relationship is rushed the chances go up that there will be a crash and burn in the future and probably the near future. And if you think about it, it makes sense to get to know the true person first before making a commitment to that person. Just remember when you meet someone and go out with them, you are going out with an actor in the beginning. People including you and I don't let their guard down until we have known them awhile.
I agree. Also, simple communication would have solved this you know?
I mean she gave me NO hint or signs she needed space. If she cared for me and liked me like she said and thought things were moving too fast. She could have said "Hey, I like you and enjoy spending time with you, but lets slow things down" Or something a long those lines. Problem solved. Not "I need space"

"Not "I need space"" - Well yes and no. It's not what you wanted to hear. But take it from a space needer like me, when we want space the only thing we want is space and we will find that space to make ourselves feel better. But more importantly slow things down and get to know each other. You are still in the honeymoon dating stage.

"Not "I need space"" - Well yes and no. It's not what you wanted to hear. But take it from a space needer like me, when we want space the only thing we want is space and we will find that space to make ourselves feel better. But more importantly slow things down and get to know each other. You are still in the honeymoon dating stage.
Yeah, thanks for all of the advice. I just don't think I'll ever hear from her again.
This Saturday is my birthday so we'll see if she reaches out and wishes me a happy birthday.

UPDATE: She lied about helping her friends mom clean up on Saturday. She text me at 6pm on Saturday and said "I've literally been cleaning all day. I'm exhausted.
I just saw pics her girlfriend posted of the 2 of them. They were in NY all day.
Why would she lie about hanging out with her girlfriend?

You haven't even been going out for a month yet. She is more than entitled to go wherever she wants... sure she could have been honest about it but after only a few weeks dating... that is a bit much to expect. Perhaps she feels like you are getting too clingy this soon. Clingy or needy PARTICULRLY with guys send the other person running in many cases. Thats not terribly endearing with females...even less so among guys. (I see this because you are getting awful panicky way too soon here, after a few weeks its hardly a relationship yet) On the other hand...maybe she just saw it as too much too fast. Either way "space" is one way to put on the brakes.

Just me I wouldn't be so fired up about a relationship with a stranger no matter how good her making out was, or how much fun a few encounters went. Heck to be honest, she hasn't even proven to be a good friend yet, and she did tell you already she is a lousy communicator, so what's the big deal here?

Pity all those juices stirred up for nothing, but after only a month since the last romance disaster, you should have been a lot more cautious rather than jumping in so fast and getting carried away a bit. That's no way to find a girlfriend, not for the long term anyway. Hopefully you learned something. Like never give your heart to someone that hasn't proven they know what to do with it.

Maybe you get another date with her, maybe you don't, no big deal, because you found her, you can find others. Maybe you make a friend. That takes more time. Word to the wise, stop the social media stalking and making assumptions. What did you expect, pictures of mops and brooms? Let all that insecure crap go. A couple of makeout sessions doesn't mean she is obligated to let you in her world... that's a bit much (Funny, she has a life without you... imagine that!).

Relax, and plan a nice birthday for yourself (Happy Birthday) and enjoy yourself whether she calls or not.

I will. Thanks. Yes, next time I will be very cautious.

Based on the last two I am guessing you won't. But eventually hopefully you will.


I will. Thanks. Yes, next time I will be very cautious.

It's hard to make friends after you have made out after the first few "dates". The physical stuff is no substitute for conversation, or mental engagement that's essential to REALLY connect on another level. I know it feels so good and we can't help it, but it's more distraction through titillation, and tease than substance. As you see lust wears quickly, and initial attractions are mostly lust, and any two strangers can have it in the very beginning.

Now would be a GREAT time to examine your own (DESPERATE?) need to have a relationship, and the positions it puts you in. Then maybe you will see the FOOL'S GOLD before you buy it. I highly suggest you look forward to just being single and having FUN exploring your own world, and learning about yourself.

For a 30 something guy, you should be rising to your own peak and be at your best.

All this making out with someone you don't really know leaves little time to get to know them. Maybe she was thinking this was all there was to you.
Slow your roll. Really get to know a young lady and she you before you start making out.

Thanks again for all the replies. I honestly don't have a need or want to be in a relationship. If it turns into one, great. I know there are things I have to work on and think about for myself. I usually just follow the girls lead. I was out on lunch just now and a new girl from my work asked me out for drinks tonight? She's attractive and in her mid 20's Should I go or should I just take time to myself. I told her I would let her after work.

Oy vey.

If you want to go, go. Have fun, with NO expectations.

Remember rushing it = crash and burn.

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/fighting/fighting-with-baseball-bat.gif or http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/2/big-dancing-banana-smiley-emoticon.gif

Haha.

Go with no expectations of a second date. Drink in moderation, do not get buzzed or drunk. But most importantly, keep your hands and lips to yourself. No make out sessions. Treat her like a lady not a tramp.

I don't drink at all. I'll get green tea or lemon water.
Reading all of these comments and thinking back from our first date, I feel really bad now that the physical part took over. I feel like that could have possibly ruined a really good thing. It upsets me. I know we were def. both into it and she would text me and make comments about how much she enjoyed kissing me, but the blame is on me for letting it get there. Now, for the next time I know. It just hurts knowing that it could have ruined something really nice.

So what you do is learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them. That's how everyone learns. Some just take longer than others do. A small handful never do. You will find them when you see people married 3, 4 or more times....one disaster after another.

So, I realized something these past couple of days and maybe you can confirm it.
I went out with that girl that asked me out the other day. We had a nice time, but I just didn't click with her. She's a nice girl, but not for me. She text me the next day and said "Hey, I had a great time. Would you want to get together at the end of the week" Now, I took a step back to think. Obviously, the answer is no and I feel it's clingy, BUT if I was into her, it would make me happy and I would say sure. I wouldn't think it would be clingy at all.

Then, I thought back to my relationships that were over 9 months long. I can remember distinctly two of them having a conversation with me about not texting them enough. They said they would like a "Good Morning" and "Good night" every day. I can now honestly say that maybe I just didn't want to, but with the right girl I would do it willingly.

So, I came to a conclusion that EVERYONE has different wants, needs, and expectations in a relationship. Which is why communication is KEY.
This girl just text me again saying "Do you miss me?". I think that's clingy, BUT if I was really attracted to her physically and mentally and into her, I'd probably be happy to hear it.
Just my 2 cents. Haha

See you are learning and that is progress in a good way. And you see just because YOU might be into someone...they might not be that into you. And why we say experience is the best teacher. And the more people youhave dated..the more differing experience you have...and the greater will be your ability to know when you meet "The ONE".

Before now everyone seemed like it..and you are starting to see...that they weren't, and why.

By George! I think you are getting it! 😎😀😀

LOL, wait until you have to tell someone "Let's just be friends."!

LOL. I had to do it to my last 2 long term relationships. BUT, I did do it over the phone. Not through text. Haha

So I took everyone's advice and gave her some space.
I text her tonight and said "Hey, just wanted to know if you wanted to get drinks sometime next week" she replied "Hey! Wait..drinks? I thought you don't drink? LOL"
I said "Well maybe I'll lemon water or just one drink. Haha" She said "Well you'll have to splurge on one as an late birthday celebration. I hope you had a great birthday by the way". I said "I did. Thanks. So drinks next week?'. She said "Yeah! Sure" That's good right?

It's drinks not dating. Take it slow and for what it is.

So I took everyone's advice and gave her some space.
I text her tonight and said "Hey, just wanted to know if you wanted to get drinks sometime next week" she replied "Hey! Wait..drinks? I thought you don't drink? LOL"
I said "Well maybe I'll lemon water or just one drink. Haha" She said "Well you'll have to splurge on one as an late birthday celebration. I hope you had a great birthday by the way". I said "I did. Thanks. So drinks next week?'. She said "Yeah! Sure" That's good right?

It's neither good, nor is it bad. It's just drinks. Don't read so much into it. Go with no expectations and just have a good time.

Ditto to 'don't read so much into it.' Many times an ex (or space needer) is curious, such as how you celebrated your birthday, so they are just dabbling.
She could be lonely. That can backfire if she doesn't really want you back, but wants you sort of around until she finds someone, or doesn't mind being alone.

Again - you put too much belief in word-by-word conversations and descriptions. They mean NOTHING.
What IS meaningful is what 2 people learn about each other by talking on a more personal, in depth, soulful level. Not romantically in depth, but personal. The opposite of shallow. You can be new to a person and not TOO personal, but still share things about families, childhoods, and future dreams.

I wouldn't get to excited until her actions matched her words, and having a Plan B for some social fun is always a great hedge for disappointment. To be honest I hate the texting thing and prefer to play phone tag to make a friend and keep it real.

I mean geez guy, she may seem willing but all you have is a promise and it's not like she has made time for you, or a firm commitment, so don't get all carried away by this. You have nothing to lose by staying on it though, HEHEHE... If your heart, AND EGO can stand the suspense!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I'll take it easy with no expectations.