Hello, I remember the first time I posted this forum like 5 years ago. Since then, if I had any problem with my relationships I come here and lurk around. I would read some posts written by talaniman and get back on the right mindset, well because he clearly has a wider knowledge on this subject than many of my friends and myself included. So thank you talaniman, I wish I could be as wise as you one day but I doubt that's going to happen since I prefer sticking with one spouse for long time, hence not gaining much various experience. But it's OK I prefer my relationships rare and long.

I have totally healed on the ex that I have written here before. Life was good since recently my girlfriend of 3.5 years have broken up with me. She decided it was not worth it to spending time and effort on this relationship anymore. She was not in love anymore, passionately. After a while, we talked again(no contact is much more difficult than I remember. Boy did you change some rules? Promise I will be more strong), we both acknowledged agreed to our faults, but it's no go for her. She needs to be alone know. I respect that, but I can't accept it subconsciously. Short term memory is a . When I accept I forget. I miss her and still love her and I know she still values me a lot. I am trying to be peaceful with her decision. She was very different in a good way from the other people I know. I am deeply sorry for not being more aware of her feelings, ing my part. I wish (lol I use this word a lot these days for sure) she would point me, what I'm doing wrong instead of trying to accept me as I am, I need feedback too.. She just let it build up. Don't do that ever to anyone that's willing to improve! These mistakes together killed our relationship. I am glad that I outgrow myself on a few matters and become a better person for her, way before the relationship is over. That's I guess one of the reasons I am more attached to her, because I worked hard on myself for this relationship hence I do not want to let go of "my precious". I know that I have improved. I am still glad I did it because it will be useful, it is even getting useful in my friendships too.

I know, I will accept this relationship is over, with time. I know it from experience even all my feelings tell me I'm stuck. Problem is I work from home and my days don't go well. I'm grieving hard. I cry a lot, and a lot harsher than my previous breakups. I am collapsing to ground. Is this normal? I just sometimes try to work from the good old library to be around people, but it is difficult to do all my tasks from there.

My friends and my sister are trying to be around me at nights and weekends but everyone has a job. Also most of them are in relationships, that they need to care about. I am trying to avoid being the 3rd wheel as much as I could. I am allowing them to help me of course and when I need I call them too, but I fear I will become a burden, if I don't do something different. They tell me to become more social. They are right, I am in a worst situation than "her" mostly because I made the mistake to make her the center of my life.(I should really stop doing this my next goal with future relationships). I don't know where to make new friends. People at my age are generally not interested in new long term friendships, if they don't share sth like a job. I graduated. I think I live in a city that has no regular places to meet new people. I am trying to revive as many old friendships I can from past too.

When I'm with anyone, talking about me and her is all I want to do, even when I'm making hilarious jokes (yes they really laugh). I'm trying to stop myself from talking so much about her, but it's her I think about. Living by myself, I need me to make me occupied, while being social. I also need to work a lot too. I am hard on myself, about work. I have dreams that can't wait(I'm on a budget working on my dream project that can be far more valuable than any employment, I have no income). When I work from home it's very easy to feel lonely. Also I found it's hard to find friends to go out with every day. I need to balance work and life, I guess in some way. I also woke up at some nights crying missing her, it's very frustrating to be in this situation. I am trying to positive and constructive for myself. I am not looking for a rebound. People tell me it's okay to have a relationship because a friend can be helpful with my situation. I don't want to hurt anyone, not like I am going to find someone right now.

Anyway, Do you have any suggestions, especially if you know anyway to cope with loneliness when you can't be more social? Or some easy way to get in new groups? Or just a way to shut down emotions for some time would be nice. Maybe there are some things that I miss or just know wrong. (Point me them!) Maybe I am trying things that can't be done simultaneously. But don't be so hard on me, I am trying to move on and have a meaningful life. Accepting it's over is difficult. I have already written a letter, I will not send, for closure. Do you have anymore tips to accept this cold hard fact that we are over? I wish I could be like "it's over? ok no worries."

Thank you, you are doing a great job by the way. Maybe one day in a distant future we will grew a collective consciousness from these posts and just know or know a way calculate the best way to deal with every kind of relationship situation. Like a math problem.

Thank you for the kind words, but can I suggest you lose the word CAN'T from your vocabulary, and take your own advice?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/when-its-over-nothing-over-440167.html


We live in a very large world that have millions of people in it that you can love. Believe me there is another thousands who you can love and can love you.

Maybe there is very important high quality characteristic properties of the person who dumped you. Don't forget the most important thing for having a good relationship is caring about it, working for it, trusting it, (both sides must do it) nothing else... If your mate doesn't do it anymore, it is time for you to not care about it anymore.

Don't push someone to be with you, find someone wants to be with you.
Really find her! Don't just sit on that chair, read this post and do nothing. Go out there join activities, meet some new people have friends and find an another "the one" :)

The true happiness has nothing about finding a girl that will live with you till death, it is about working in things that make you proud of. It could be a relationship, a life dream, being master at something, improving yourself, quitting bad habits, making new goods...

Ps: care about the ones who cares about you IN THIS VERY MOMENT :)

That was very well said, but now you must bridge the gap between good words, and good actions that match them.

You saved me a lot of typing though. :D

So I read your 3 posts/questions and there's one thing that is slapping me in the face about you. If you are in a relationship you are fine, happy, and life is good. If the relationship sours then it despair and the world is ending. It's as if your self worth and the acceptance of yourself by you is dependent on being loved and valued by a partner. Not only is that not a good way to invest and thrive in a meaningful relationship but you are also not establishing a solid and secure foundation for yourself.

I don't know enough about you to understand why that is. Maybe you rush into a relationship too fast before getting to know the true person inside and out. Regardless if what you are doing is not working then it's time to do something different.

If I was you I would stay clear of relationships until I developed that foundation whereas I am happy and secure with me. If you are depending on other people for that it's never going to work and you won't be the person your partner needs you to be.

But that's only my opinion. You know I was just telling someone that my partner took our kids/makeshift children surfing all day today and I am thrilled to have the house to myself. Learn how to enjoy spending time with you and then you will start having a good time.

Great quote. Inspiring words. Whoever said this must be really handsome :)

Frankly, I feel like I am less confident today from that high school kid. But I will do what you asked me, past self. It's obvious that you are the one who built this relationship, even though it ended, I am glad it happened. Don't worry she is really nice and you make each other happy. She truly wants to be with you for a very long time, before we grew apart.. Now, I owe you to move on and learn to love again. I can and I will make it, I just don't know how yet.

Tal, you chessmaster. You quoted me against me to help me, my expectations of wisdom are more than fulfilled. Are you going to quote this to me 5 years later? :D.

Anyway, I take your only advice to heart. The simpler the better. No more can't.

Actually, it was much easier after I have written this post. Writing helps. "Letter to her" was not really a good idea because it was not constructive, only full of just self-pity. I am thinking of keeping a journal. Being positive, asking and answering as I write. Using "CAN'T" might be prohibited on this journal as a rule. Better start now.

Journal Note #1:
I also noticed whenever I am in a slump, I start to think about her, hence I feel sorry for myself when I should be working. What can be done?? It's inevitable to get in a slump, but from now on when I do get in a slump, I will switch tasks or take a walk.

I'm already feeling so much better. Writing is a bliss.

Cheers, mate.

Hi, lets break it down.


So I read your 3 posts/questions and there's one thing that is slapping me in the face about you. If you are in a relationship you are fine, happy, and life is good. If the relationship sours then it despair and the world is ending. It's as if your self worth and the acceptance of yourself by you is dependent on being loved and valued by a partner. Not only is that not a good way to invest and thrive in a meaningful relationship but you are also not establishing a solid and secure foundation for yourself.

I did not post here when I was in a relationship. The post Tal quoted was younger me trying to figure it out. But if you are not referring to that post, I can say that you are right. I am very anxious when my relationships end. I try to control it truly but I value myself. WAIT... BACKSPACE. I think you are right. I don't value myself as much if I am not in a relationship. Something is wrong here. What is wrong with having no partner? I definitely should work on being more confident with having no spouse.


I don't know enough about you to understand why that is. Maybe you rush into a relationship too fast before getting to know the true person inside and out. Regardless if what you are doing is not working then it's time to do something different.

If I was you I would stay clear of relationships until I developed that foundation whereas I am happy and secure with me. If you are depending on other people for that it's never going to work and you won't be the person your partner needs you to be.

Even though I think I am slow. (20 months between relationships). How about this? Next time, I will try my best to wait until I feel like I don't need a relationship, before I start one.


But that's only my opinion. You know I was just telling someone that my partner took our kids/makeshift children surfing all day today and I am thrilled to have the house to myself. Learn how to enjoy spending time with you and then you will start having a good time.

I always feared marriage is going to turn me into someone who is desperate for solitude. Irony is if I understand it correctly, you are advising me to not get in to a relationship if I don't. Well crap, it would be much easier other way. But you are right, it's more healthy. Thank you so much for analysing my posts and pointing me in the right direction. Enjoy your day.

CTLR+F Can't, no can't yay! Submit answer.

Yes and no. You can get in a relationship anytime you so desire. But review what worked and what didn't work in your previous failed relationships and learn from those. If something isn't working try another approach.

We see a ton of people on here who tried speed dating to get into a relationship. They profess their "love" on date #1, start naming their perceived future kids on date #2, and then by date #3 the excitement is gone. Slow down and take one moment at a time.

You used the word "confident". That's a good word along with contentment and happy. If you are those things then you're a better partner. There's no law that says a measure of a man is whether you're in a relationship. Additionally when you are in a relationship do you allow your partner to have her own friends and activities? That's one of the best things that my partner and I did. We have our time together and we have our time separate from each other and it's all okay. This is just a guess but you strike me as the type who wants to be together all the time. I'm here to tell you that makes a relationship BLAH.

We only mentioned about the love after a few months into the relationship. She has her own friends, was doing her own things while I'm working. So that's not it.

My best guess of what was not working is that I don't have specific times I work. When I was not with her, I was working. The problem with this is having nearly zero social life other than her. I just wish if I could know, this is not going to work a month ago. It was so easy to change this, damn it's frustrating. Wishes and regrets are not the way to go. That path is endless.

It's still difficult for me to accept that this relationship is over. We were clicking in so many ways. We both have contributed a lot to each other.

My hopes and desperation emerge when I am trying to figure out the cause of problems. Maybe I need to let some time to pass before I do this.

Not just time my friend, but activities helps pass the time better than anything I know. Ever hear the old saying,"time flies when you're having FUN"?

Dwelling is such a drag, and pointless as hell.

First of all you have to and need a separate social life. You should start working on that now while you're not in a relationship and keep it when you do start a relationship. Spending time with one person and only one person is boring and the fun wears off. I love my partner like crazy but there's no way we are spending our time with just each other.

Second - I bet everyone has been through a break up where it wasn't us deciding to break up. But here's the thing - we don't control what people think about us and we can't control the decisions they make. So let it go. You do control how you react to it though. And given the choice of being happy or dad I'm going to go with happy all the time.

Not just time my friend, but activities helps pass the time better than anything I know. Ever hear the old saying,"time flies when you're having FUN"?

Dwelling is such a drag, and pointless as hell.

Yesterday I was thinking that I'm going to be OK, I just need to keep a journal. What a big BS.

How? How did you know? That was right on spot. I was dwelling hard today. I nearly did not leave bed. I was feeling very miserable. Skipped gym because I felt like not leaving my room. I fell asleep in the middle of the depression.

After I wake up I saw your post. I remember now, activities was how I managed to survive my previous breakup. The post, the one I wrote & you quote, I thought it was about having goals, making things that I am proud of. In other words working. I was wrong. The post was about doing activities stuff instead of studying(working) all the time. That little kid had really figured it out. Today I learned to never underestimate my past.

It was activities eased my past break-up. I visited different countries, went to many events, learned martial arts, intro to guitar, went to gym, did hiking and camping, played basketball. Stupid me, I discontinued doing these stuff 2 years ago, except gym. It was a big mistake. How did I forget all about this and turned back to my all work schedule, which is not fun or interesting to her at all.

Hell, this relationship could have survived, if I only planned some activities to do by myself. Instead, I was only going events to make her happy. I am slowly realizing my mistake, now I am mad at myself. Too bad, I can't fix anything about it now. At least, I have a shot at fixing my depression. I sincerely thank you friend.

Ambition leads to thinking in to that I don't need activities. I did this same mistake a lot. Instead of working all the time, I need to chill and do other stuff too. I am going to list activities to do, places to visit, things to learn. Future self if you are reading this, make sure you have this list.

Now I get it. The mistakes I have done. Uurrrgh. Idiot.

Everyone is telling me to find a job, to stop working by myself. The problem was working without limits, not planning/doing any activities. It can help to find a job, I will eventually, if I can't start-up my company. For now, I am more interested in finding activities to do.

Maybe I should invest in a good laptop, so I can travel while I work. I don't know, I am going to do the list immediately. It will be fun.