My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and living together for 2 1/2. We have been having communication and intimacy issues for the last 2 years.

I supported him for the first 8 months of living together. When we are physical, I have to initiate and 99% of the time, he rejects me. If we have to discuss any issues, he pushes it to the side and ignores the problem. He openly admits that he doesn't put in his part in the relationship yet doesn't understand why I get so upset.

His mother is another issue. She shows up to our apartment unannounced, Calls and texts all of the time (even while on vacation), always wants him to be with her on major holidays regardless of my family. I try not to take it personal. However; After four years, you would think she would have accepted the fact she is no longer the only woman in his life. I do not, not want him to be close to his family. Heck, I want more than anything to be close with them as well, but I think there needs to be boundaries and he never addresses them. I could probably write an entire book on all of the bizarre things she has done.

Whenever the pressure of the relationship becomes too much for him, he packs his things and leaves. And where does he go? His mothers.

His birthday was about 2 weeks ago. His mother called me a few days before, asking if I was making his cake. I said yes, as I do every year. His birthday comes, we go out to dinner, we go back to her house for desert and she calls me into the kitchen. (Not only did she just show up unannounced that day)... I look over, and there was a sheet cake that she baked that said "Happy Birthday", and she had already put the candles in it. I was infuriated.

We ended up arguing for three days straight because he never feels that he needs to address her behavior. And I cant address it and let her know how I feel because I believe that it is his job to stand up for his relationship and set boundaries. Not to mention, I don't want my relationship with her to be ruined as well. I lash out on him because I am so engulfed with frustration.

I don't think I have seen him once defend our relationship in 4 years. I get so upset to the point where I just cry and yell and Throw things. Which he says he cant "handle".

Long story short, instead of trying to come to a compromise he packed his things and went to her house. And has been there since Easter. Every time he leaves (This is the 5th time) he acts like such a jerk. He holds the relationship over my head. This isn't a dictatorship. It's a relationship. Not one person should have "control".

He openly admits to not putting in his part but doesn't understand why I get so upset. Every time he says its over, stays away for a week or two and comes back. It puts me over the edge. I don't want it to be over but I don't want to live in this dysfunction.

My father told me to ignore him and give him a taste of his own medicine. I don't know what to do to make this better. His sisters baby shower is in a week. He has to talk to me before then. I just want everyone to get along. I don't want to lose him, because when it is good its amazing. But whenever there is an issue, he cant seem to emotionally be able to be there. I just feel like no matter how unhappy I have been or how miserable the relationship has been I have always tried to make it work. I just cant seem to understand how a 29 year old man can just walk out on his woman.

Any advice on what to do to make this work? I know it is a lot, but I'm lost. Ive tried everything. I love him, but I'm disgusted.

We date to find out whether the other person is the right person for us to marry. It is a fact finding mission and the Investment in time is not in the other person or the relationship but in ourselves. The objective is not to make things work with that other person no matter what, but rather to find the person who is a good parter as they are now.

The only commitment in dating should be that we will operate with honesty and integrity while getting to know that other person. It makes no sense to have a promise to be with them forever at this point because we don't know enough - that commitment goes with marriage.

It seems like you feel you have invested four years in the relationship and this guy and it should be better. You missed the point of dating hiim, which was to find out if he will be the right husband for you. He won't be. So dating served its purpose and it is time to move on.

He won't stand up for the relationship. The family is not supportive. He does not treat you as you wish and deserve to be treated. You are not sexually compatible. You don't feel fulfilled or secure with him. Even one of these things is a deal breaker for finding a spouse.

So you move on. What you loved was the idea of what might materialize between you, but it is not going to. So you wish him well, move on and don't look back. Now you know better what you want and don't want. Best wishes.

So let him walk out and find someone else. Does not sound like a happy relationship for last two years. It appears you should be out celebrating that he is gone.

Actually you have not tried standing up for yourself, you have allowed yourself to be walked over.

You, tell his mother off, walk out of her house, refuse to go over to her house. My exwife could write a book on ways to insult a mother in law. ** all well deserved.

Your partner has shown his preference and he gives his mother ranking over you. So you can either accept it, or move on and find someone else. Where I live, the mother would almost always win.

Pretty obvious you have different ideas and methods and expectations for how this relationship should progress, and there seems to be different levels of commitment. Be aware that every relationship is great when it's great, but staying together when it ain't great is the trick, and the challenge. You have to see and accept how this is going now, and back off to a less emotional place so you can make a decision, because his leaving so much, and you reacting so violently (throwing things) is not a good sign.

I don't think you should let him back this time at all, until you have talked and resolved this... if there is a resolution, because you only will fall back into the same patterns that set you up for more failure, more conflict, and more back and forth. Unless you break that pattern, it will be the same old same old.

He and his mom will never change, and I doubt you will ever change and cope with it, so obviously the best course of action is to live apart because for whatever reason you have proved you cannot live together. Sorry you just have to let mama keep her baby, as they are not ready to let each other go and you sure cannot accept that OR change it.

He just isn't ready for what you want, sorry to say, and you really do need to be UNAVAILABLE for what he is wanting. I don't even see how you can see a future under these circumstances. So that's my advice at this point, YOU back off and STOP investing your soul into this relationship simply because he ISN'T.

Talk from a safe distance but don't live together. To allow him to keep coming back is giving him permission to leave AGAIN. If honest communications can make no changes that benefit you both then what's the point?

Maybe YOU need to tell your heart to shut up, and listen more to what your brain is telling you. Your heart keeps giving you some bad advice.

Loving someone does not automatically mean that they are the best life partner for you. Think about your relationship over the years and what you have written. Do you see a chance for change? Would couples counseling be a consideration? Can you learn to accept the behaviors that drive you crazy? What would you tell your best girl friend if she came to you with the same story?