Hi everyone, I start with the fact that I am 36, had a few past relationships, I am successful in my job and have lived in different countries, so I am experienced and sociable & pretty, but when it comes to relationships I'm not good. What happens generally is that I don't feel chemistry with most guys so I don't go on a second date…

Last month I met a guy on a dating website. He has studied the same field as myself and he seemed to be decent. We live in two different countries, 2 hours flight. After 35 short messages and emails we decided to meet in a third country. We met and it was a very good experience. I never felt anything like that before when I meet someone, but this time it was different. I really liked him and at the end of the evening we hold hands and we even kissed. The next day we had a great day too he kissed my eyes and he was looking at me constantly which was a good sign (I guess) and we end up being together that night (we had a great night and great next morning), which is very strange for me (I am very cautious in initial stages of a relationship). And the third day we kissed and left to our own countries.

When we arrived home, he texted me and said that he had a great time and he feels confused and lost and doesn't know what to do. I was feeling the same. I liked him, but he was far away and it was upsetting... he mentioned that he like to see me again and we plan for next meeting soon. The day after he said he needs to think to know what he really wants to do with his current job, and he has to find out within himself … I should mention that even before we meet he was talking about thinking what he want to do as a dream job and he may want to change field of his work (which can be a big change). A few days ago I mentioned that I am going to a business trip and I will pass by his city, so I can stop to see him a few hours if he wants, and he said that it is a nice idea and I stay at least a night because airport is far. After this I wanted to talk to him to see when he will be free (a day) and asked him to talk , I had one missed call from him, and after that I sent him a text message that I missed his call.

Now its been a few days (2-3 days) that he hasn't contacted me at all not responded to my last message (it was just a “how are you”). Now the question is, should I really wait for him? Do you see a potential relationship here? I know I am emotional now, sometimes very positive and sometimes very negative, that's why I can not judge it myself… what do you think?

There could be many reasons for not being available to call for a couple of days. Or worst case, he is home with wife and not available. (sorry to say that) but about 1/2 of the men on dating sites are married and merely use that to find other women to sleep with.

The issue is at the end of the day, the distance and where this could end. Perhaps just sex partners very few months ?

Or would or even could, one of you, give up their careers to move to the country of the other?

Well, I am sure he is single,
And I don't mind to move somewhere else as far as I know he wants the same.. I can find a job easily in any big city... just this situation is so confusing.. Or is it me being a drama queen about it... I hate it about myself being so sensitive and emotional :(

You have been down this road before, how did you handle that situation?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-complex-guys-how-win-their-heart-708921.html

New relationships always have potential for more, but it's a bad idea to get to caught up in the intensity of them in the early stages that you push to hard because of thrills, and high hopes, and are to eager for more. Relax and see what happens, and have fun with the experience, but keep it real within yourself.

You will see things better later, after the lust, and thrills, and high hopes, and intense feelings have settled into a reality you understand. You don't sit and wait for him though, you live your life as you always have before you met him, and carry on exploring, and experimenting with all your other options, and opportunities and not be stuck on this latest one that has bogged down for whatever reason.

Despite all the feelings you have Ms. Sensitive, its still in the casual new dating stages. Relax and see what happens.

Hi tala, I know! And you find that out straight away! How embarrassing! :))) with that one I was patient. He proposed last June but I felt I didn't like him enough (after I became intimate with him, I didn't like the whole idea) so I broke the engagement after a few months. And maybe that's why I let it happen this time and spend the night with this guy when I felt like it (so quickly)... last time my mistake was that we didn't meet each other that many times before he proposed. This time he is more like myself, feels like we can be best friends and we enjoy similar things... yes I should relax and see what happens... I just don't like that idea that I am being fooled.. this makes me upset.

Well you don't really know him and he could have a girlfriend. He could do this kind of thing often or he can be a nice guy and just busy. At any rate, don't get all wrapped up with this guy you don't really know but had a pleasant connection with.
Go on with your day to day life and he will contact you again if interested. Don't get fixated on this stranger.

I just don't like that idea that I am being fooled.. this makes me upset.

You may feel that way but you really don't know that is the case. Its possible, sure, but why assume and be upset when you can just relax, and deal with facts, and not just feelings. You have his name, run a background check. Seems that's what anyone would do who uses a dating site.

I have done that, and he seems to be a decent person.

Decent doesn't mean compatible for the long run.

OK he contacted me again and I responded but haven't talked about when to meet next? And he doesn't call even though I mentioned that I prefer hearing him.
How long should I wait for him for the next move ? After waiting should I contact him and talk? Or I just move on without mentioning anything? We met mid February and until now we have been texting. I should add that he is in the process of changing job and not in the best financial situation (as I felt).

I'd say get on with your life. Leave him alone. If he wants to contact you he will.

Why wait for him to do anything? You should be exploring your own options and doing your thing and not be stuck waiting for someone to give you the time of day. You definitely don't want to be chasing such a busy secretive fellow.

You never know what the future holds, but things happen when they do, and the way they do naturally so why force anything?

Keep doing your own thing.

That's the thing, I don't like to look like a girl sitting there waiting for him to decide for me, I'm quite annoyed actually :( and when he texts me I don't know how to react. So far I was cool about it all... inside me I am not feeling cool at all...

Don't try and be cool, just be honest with him, and yourself first. I would say "HI, and what the hell's up with YOU?". Then go about my business and doing my thing.

Why trip on what you don't know, and play the assume, presume game, when you can ask directly? Why worry about what he thinks of you, when you don't know what he is thinking period? You met him online, you can meet others, so don't get stuck. He is doing nothing to you, or for you, so what's the big deal here?

I wouldn't stop exploring and experimenting with other options because of him, FOR SURE! Dating is having fun getting to know each other, NOT engaging in drama, intrigue, and confusion. RIGHT?

Are you having fun with him? Be honest with yourself, and act accordingly.

The worst thing you can do is appear to needy. That is the way you appear to me. Why agonize over this though. After all he is at a 2 hour distance and from the brief time you were with him you can't possibly know him. Married men are experts at hiding their true nature when they are on the prowl and have found a willing victim.

Take this all with a grain of salt and move on. LDRs seldom work out. It takes two special people to make it work who have found the ultimate connection, with no doubts, absolute honesty and patience to make it work.

I recently tried a dating site and went in with my eyes wide open. The men could state anything they wanted to state, divorced, single, widowed, etc. Pictures were included but picfures of whom ? It was kind of creepy.

Hey Tic, I am available lol. Picture later.

Hey Tic, I am available lol. Picture later.

Hey ! Okay, you got a deal ! If you are a male member here, I would not have a problem with that !

Tick

Hey ! Okay, you got a deal ! If you are a male member here, I would not have a problem with that !

Tick

Hmmm, this is getting serious. :) When do you want the wedding? We have to move fast, I am not getting any younger.

Hmmm, this is getting serious. :) When do you want the wedding? We have to move fast, I am not getting any younger.

Let me think about this a minute. I don't do anything without a prenup and a doctor"s report! Ah, love on AMHD!

Let me think about this a minute. I don't do anything without a prenup and a doctor"s report! Ah, love on AMHD!

I go along with the doctor's report but not sure who benefits from the prenup?
Maybe " Ask Me Help Desk" should be renamed "Help Me To Do It"! Sorry Tic, but this
will have to be put on hold until I finish my Taxes for 2014.

Don't try and be cool, just be honest with him, and yourself first. I would say "HI, and what the hell's up with YOU?". Then go about my business and doing my thing.

Why trip on what you don't know, and play the assume, presume game, when you can ask directly? Why worry about what he thinks of you, when you don't know what he is thinking period? You met him online, you can meet others, so don't get stuck. He is doing nothing to you, or for you, so what's the big deal here?

I wouldn't stop exploring and experimenting with other options because of him, FOR SURE! Dating is having fun getting to know each other, NOT engaging in drama, intrigue, and confusion. RIGHT?

Are you having fun with him? Be honest with yourself, and act accordingly.

I met him very short. I was in his city on a transfere flight and he came in half an hour to see me before I left.. he says he is scared, feels like he is about to jump in a pool but doesn't know how to swim,. he doesn't know what to do with his future and his job is problematic now. He loved our date and he doesn't doubt about that.
Hmm... he said he feels guilty that he was not thinking to sort things out seriously and now he starts again thinking!. I told him I may see others but what the hell I am supposed to do? I cant connect to different people at the same time...
Anyway he said he is thinking now again and if I was not important he was not there! And he kissed me good bye on lips three times!
I'm very confused.. even more than before... just decided to carry on with my life and see what happens...

Confused that he doesn't make a deeper commitment to you because he has other priorities? He has told you that twice now hasn't he? As you see it's as hard to develop long distance relationships as it is to maintain them. I think with your career lifestyle, making FRIENDS and having fun would be better than expecting those chemistry attractions leading to romance.

Pretty obvious that's what you are looking for, that "connection", but you have yet to find it. I think you expected way too much from this fellow as he was not a settled as you are, and are more disappointed than confused, and that's okay. Not your fault that YOU were ready, willing, and able, but he was not.

Your journey continues without him.

Confused that he doesn't make a deeper commitment to you because he has other priorities? He has told you that twice now hasn't he? As you see it's as hard to develop long distance relationships as it is to maintain them. I think with your career lifestyle, making FRIENDS and having fun would be better than expecting those chemistry attractions leading to romance.

Pretty obvious that's what you are looking for, that "connection", but you have yet to find it. I think you expected way too much from this fellow as he was not a settled as you are, and are more disappointed than confused, and that's okay. Not your fault that YOU were ready, willing, and able, but he was not.

Your journey continues without him.

Well I am not sure, because he didn't say yes or no.. And he is the most skeptical person I ever seen.

Yes I am disappointed... of being so bad luck in relationships...

Your luck is no worse than anyone else's, but you have to see that online dating is a hit or miss proposition when you are looking for a relationship.

Hey the good news is you finally got a taste of someone who piquéd your interest enough to disappoint you. The point is get over your disappointment and get back in the game (or on the computer). I doubt you were more disappointed than the previous fellows who didn't get a second date with you.

Adjust your expectations of online dating. It's only an opportunity and option but no substitute for a real fulfilling social life that you are to busy to DEVELOP over time.

Online dating is same as normal dating, they are the same people, but probably busier... you can find players in a bar or café even between friends and you never know until you are close with them... and of course they can be on internet too...

I am more disappointed that them, I don't get intimate if I doubt about at least first steps, I don't kiss a person passionately every time I see him if I am not sure where I am standing with him...

You are confused. On liine dating is NOTHING like person to person dating. All you see is words on the screen, no expesssion, no body language. Nothing to indicate how a person is reacting to a conversation. Skype may be different but not by much.

Where do you see the reality in on line dating ?

You are confused. On liine dating is NOTHING like person to person dating. All you see is words on the screen, no expesssion, no body language. Nothing to indicate how a person is reacting to a conversation. Skype may be different but not by much.

Where do you see the reality in on line dating ?

You just start online, then you meet like others! What is the difference?
Online dating won't be online forever... it is online just for the first few days.. .

I think in any situation we can get carried away with expectations during the "get to know" period, as I note you never went on 2nd dates with guys you felt nothing for, and fell for this guy you did feel something for. You never know what can develop when you let things progress on their own.

I think you do yourself a great disservice when you stop the potential for friends and activities when you are looking for sparks and feelings. And as you have already found out those "feelings" can be complicated, distracting, misleading, and not reciprocated. Sucks doesn't it.

I get being too busy with other things in your life to fully enjoy a healthy social life but just being able to hangout among friends is the whole basis for human interaction. Online dating though doesn't allow for things to develop, and just basing everything on first meeting feelings does have its drawbacks, and it's a real killer when you expect that instant relationship connection to bear fruit.

Heck you basically skip the friends part altogether, looking for that love connection. So I think if you are going to date online, don't expect any miracles, or get to caught up in those "feelings" thing, or you will never have much FUN.

Bonding with a member of the opposite sex, takes TIME, and interaction, of which you don't seem to have the patience for at this time. So adjust your expectations for those online guys, and be a lot more patient if you intend on having fun building a healthy social life with people and activities that you enjoy and look forward to. That would be normal for busy people, and if you are to busy to MAKE time then don't expect any positive outcomes from that online stuff.

That's just realistic.

There is something to be said for meeting people face to face and getting to know them, not necessarily for dating but interacting. If you don't have time for that, your dating experience is not going to be much better.

There is something to be said for meeting people face to face and getting to know them, not necessarily for dating but interacting. If you don't have time for that, your dating experience is not going to be much better.

OK lets say I have time, but where should I meet a person I like?
And how to know they are single at all,
I am living in a country where I am new and I don't know many people so I cant meet people through friends...

Social functions, and activities is a good place for making friends, but as I said, such things take time and patience, and there are no instant results 99% of the time. Just fun interacting. Human interacting even friends ha to develop, so romance is often not a realistic thing to expect.

Hell, being new makes it difficult to make friends even if you are NOT busy. Most look to things they like the most like kites flying, crafts, sports, dances, or other hobbies and look for where that happens and go and see about it. It's called exploring ones interest, and maybe you meet those with similar interest.

You should MAKE time to explore your own social interests.

I know you are right...

There aren't other people where you live? That you have to have a fake relationship online? Sorry but if you have a good job and are attractive... (doesn't matter man or woman) you should have no trouble finding real people near you to date in person. And I have exactly the same thing to say for the other person doing it as well.

There is WAY too much that can go very, very wrong in your situation. They might actually be married, engaged, in jail...etc.