My husband divorced his ex wife after a severely abusive 24 years of marriage. The abuse, mostly emotional, escalated during the lengthy divorce. She told them, both young adults, tons of lies that she knew were lies, including that he left because he didn't care about them, that he left to go have fun, that he left to be with me, and on and on. The kids will not talk to their father about this when he brings it up, they just believe the lies. Now we talk to them only when dad calls them, and they are seriously manipulative and nasty on most of these calls. They only call when they want money. They largely refuse to visit. The manipulative nastiness to their father is making me sick and him a basket case. He loves them, but they are so mean! Any advice for my husband to try to change this dynamic?

You can give your husband love, and support, as I am sure you do, or add to his misery by being sick over it, and let it affect YOUR relationship with him, which I am sure you DON'T.

Fact is unless he is prepared to leave them alone, and show them tough love there is very little you can do to help, change, or advise him.

Just tell him you are proud of him trying to do his best to do the right thing out of love in the face of such adversity, and you admire his tenacity. Be grateful he has such strength, and admire him for it, and be grateful you married him. Maybe your love, and gratitude will help you not be so sick at this situation.

When you think about it, maybe you should thank the ex for setting him free for you to get with.

How long have you been together?

For a marriage to last 24 years under what you describe as abuse, was most likely coming from both sides.

For information to come from an abuser (partly him, partly his ex) , it is most likely information that he is giving you- in other words, his impression, or conclusion as to why he doesn't have a good relationship with his children. In other words, he is interpreting some unknown source as being the cause of his children not liking him, and him suffering and not being responsible for at least part of, his children's attitude toward him. I am assuming his children, as you indicated, will not talk about what their mother says about him- certainly you and your husband have tried to get that information from them.

Unless you have been directly told, either by the children themselves (which I hope you won't push them), or your husband's ex, that HE is absolutely blameless in how his children have come to dislike him so much, why not question him instead, and see if you can't tune into why his life turned out the way it did after his long marriage.

Wouldn't you love to have a meeting alone, with his wife, over a glass of wine, and talk turkey?

You husband breaks off contact and stops giving them money (trying to buy their attention) If I was him, I would write each a letter explaining that they have hurt him by believing the lies.

But the children will also see or know what they experienced, after the divorce with their mother, how much contact did he have, did he do regular visitation?
How soon after the divorce and leaving her, did he move in with you?

What do the facts show, what the children saw, to support the comments of mother? Also one persons "lies" is another persons truth, the ex wife may actually believe these things.