Im only 21, Ive been with my boyfriend now for nearly 9 months, overall we are happy, we have similar interest and we love spending time together, he makes me feel confident.

However we seem to argue way too often, he calls me petty, childish and pathetic which we have had words about and he has stopped doing as of about a month ago as he now knows how much it hurts me, but I still seem to think about it all the time. I remember "You bring out the worst in me" when we had a row and he ended up driving like a crazy person and scaring me. And when I asked what I could do to make him happy, "next time let me leave you". I can't seem to get over this.

The pettiness from me was big, I caused a lot of arguments, so I've done some research and Im actually quite insecure needing reassurance quite a lot, but Im working on that. But it wasn't helped by the numerous times he threatened to break up with me during the 2nd 3rd 4th 5th months we were together, putting his coat on in an evening and trying to leave, telling me he can't sleep now because of me making him angry etc...

The main thing that I can't seem to move on from was an argument one night after we had both been drinking, a few months ago now (caused due to me giving a half-asked hand job) He had issues with not feeling wanted in the bedroom. And he threw a glass at my door in my rented house leaving a huge hole, which he fixed the next day, and then preceded to push me off the bed onto the floor, I was lucky I was wrapped in the duvet or it could have caused me some real harm. But he didn't hurt me, he was sorry, it wasn't him at all, and he promised to never do it again.

Then last week we had another row, he was being distant and weird, he had just found out his mum had cancer a week before so I should have been more understanding. But I kept trying to cuddle him id just driven over an hour to his home to see him and all he wanted to do was tidy, organise things, cut his nails, just anything other than be near me. I wanted affection but he physically pushed me off, I hugged him from behind and he elbowed me in the ribs twice, said the words "I want to punch you in the face" after I accidentally stood on his broken toe, oops. And then continued to smash his head against a wardrobe and when I tried to put my shoes on to leave picked me up and threw me onto the bed, I've had neck ache for a week but I don't know whether its due to that or not. He's a big guy, a lot stronger than me and I was genuinely scared of him.

I want to be with him, I haven't mentioned all the good in our relationship but there's loads, I just don't know how to get over this and in the back of my mind Im worried that I'm in an abusive relationship. I feel like I could have prevented these arguments by being more understanding of his situation and giving him the space he needs, his mum has cancer and therefore I need to be there for him rather than keep letting my insecurity come out. But again today we have argued again, and nearly broken up. I caused it by being distant and offish and it grew, I also have all these worried in my head I can't seem to move on from. And I Just don't know what to do, he has said things before like he was happy and calm before he met me, which he took back today. And I just figure it selfish of me to stay with him and continue to make him miserable when he has so much more important things going on.

Also I can't get over what has happened, so I can't give my all and that's not fair on him either. How do I either get over this and move on and be happy with him?
Or is it fairer to leave him, even though I know how hard its going to be for both of us..

Run as fast as you can and get as far away as possible. Yes, this is an abusive relationship and it will only get worse.

If you value your life you will leave and never look back.

Let him leave, and work on your own issues, since obviously you both have them, and bring out the worse in each other. Maybe you do have good times but you have to admit the bad times are really bad, and dangerous, and they seem to get worse, not better.

Look, it's at the point it really doesn't matter whose fault it is anymore, you are dragging each other down into deeper misery, and that has to stop. You can't help him with his issues, and he can't help you with yours, but you both need a lot of space to work on yourselves away from each other, before you really hurt one another, and he is bigger than you.

Sorry.

Agree that you need to leave.

Agree that you need to work on your issues. Neediness and clingy will never be attractive.

Yes, agree with all of the above. Your relationship is on its way to being toxic. Booze only escalates bad situations and you need to create a distance between you and he immediately.

You've been together 9 months, and there have been more bad times than good. Time to move on and find someone else. This guy won't give you what you want in a relationship.

Nine months is nothing, it's less than a year. Why stick around for years only to realize that this relationship doesn't work. Get out now and save yourself the heartache. Find someone better suited to who you are.

If he's throwing you around and pushing you and such, then yes, it is abusive and will only get worse.