Ok, so I have a great guy that we have a very good relationship (both are in our early 20's) and talk about everything about from one thing, apart from his relationship with his sister.
They are extremely close, luckily they aren't touchy with each other or anything weird. But they live together, just them, and when they are apart they are constantly texting each other. When I'm with him, its quite frequent that he'll say 'oh, I need to tell 'X' about this, she'll love it!'.
Me and her get on, but she is constantly there when I go round (and its me going to him more than not because it's easier; but when he comes to me he's constantly in contact with her.) It's making me feel very jealous and frustrated; then I feel angry because I shouldn't feel jealous of the sister?
They seem to have this connection, one that I perhaps feel that as the girlfriend I should have more, such as constant inside jokes and things that they have done. I end up feeling very much like the third wheel. Because she is single (with no interest of dating), whenever me and my boyfriend go out for a date, she's there too, such as the cinema, getting food, days out. There's no way I can say 'oh leave her alone at home, lets go just me and you' without being selfish.
Its obvious that he is trying to balance trying to please us both, but I seem to always come second. If me and the sister both want to watch a film at the cinema, he'll go with her over me, it feels like a competition at points that she constantly wins. We'll change our plans to suit the sister.
I really love my boyfriend, but I'm just not sure how much longer I can continue with this three-way relationship, its been going on now just over 2 years. I feel resentful and upset, but how can I bring this up with him? Please can anybody shed any light on if they have had a similar situation and the best way to face it?

How old is his sister? They have a history you two don't have. If it bothers you and your relationship with him is so great, perhaps you can suggest you go out sometimes without her.
Maybe she has issues you don't know about and this is his way of looking out for her. How well do you know her? Maybe you can get to know her.

You've put up with this for two years now, why put up with it for a second longer? I don't believe things are going to change. There are probably many profound reasons they're close, but there comes a time when you have to break the umbilical cord. I can't imagine what it would feel like if a sibling went on dates with me and my girlfriend.

His side of it is quite simple I think. He and his sister are so close that they don't know how NOT to be like that. It is habit from growing up like that. If something fun happened they'd tell the other. It is habit and it is hard to break if you want to break it. I have a sneaking suspicion that he doesn't want to give up that relationship for a relationship with you. You're a bit of a unknown quality and he's probably not sure that he can have the relationship he has with his sister with you. He stays where he knows it is comfortable. That is where you are now. To an extent I think his sister is living through your relationship as well, being not wanting to date.

Now you need to make some hard decisions. You need to sit down and figure out if this is worth it. You're young yet and this probably is the be all end all. Even reduced do you want this level of closness between your BF and his sister? Will be telling her about his wedding night? You have two paths.
1). Admit defeat. Break it off and mind someone who is more into you then their sister, in a non-sexual way. It will hurt, but you'll stop throwing good money after bad.
2). Sit down and spill EVERYTHING you said here to him. That you don't want a high school relationship anymore that you're wanting time away from his sister. You want him to concentrate on you. Not texting her every moment or bringing her along on days. Lay out your expectations for the relationship. Don't accept what he gives you, expect something more from him. This will be a long hard road and it is predicated on him WANTING to change and sacrifice the relationship he has with his sister.

I don't envy you because there is going ot be a lot of drama going on around this.

You have to talk to him and then decide if you want to continue with this relationship. Could also be you two are not on the same page regarding this relationship

You have to talk to him and then decide if you want to continue with this relationship. Could also be you two are not on the same page regarding this relationship

We talk about our future, plan to move in together next year. Everything else between us is completely the same page, where we are, our aspirations. It's just the sister constantly being there, they both don't even seem to realise it's slightly an issue?


How old is his sister? They have a history you two don't have. If it bothers you and your relationship with him is so great, perhaps you can suggest you go out sometimes without her.
Maybe she has issues you don't know about and this is his way of looking out for her. How well do you know her? Maybe you can get to know her.

4 years older. I completely respect family bonds and normally a family relationship I would gladly welcome. This just seems a little too much? My problem is how can I suggest leaving her alone at home when we go out without seeming like heartless and selfish? I know her extremely well, we get on well, it's just feeling like the third wheel in my own relationship when she's there.


You've put up with this for two years now, why put up with it for a second longer? I don't believe things are going to change. There are probably many profound reasons they're close, but there comes a time when you have to break the umbilical cord. I can't imagine what it would feel like if a sibling went on dates with me and my girlfriend.

His side of it is quite simple I think. He and his sister are so close that they don't know how NOT to be like that. It is habit from growing up like that. If something fun happened they'd tell the other. It is habit and it is hard to break if you want to break it. I have a sneaking suspicion that he doesn't want to give up that relationship for a relationship with you. You're a bit of a unknown quality and he's probably not sure that he can have the relationship he has with his sister with you. He stays where he knows it is comfortable. That is where you are now. To an extent I think his sister is living through your relationship as well, being not wanting to date.

Now you need to make some hard decisions. You need to sit down and figure out if this is worth it. You're young yet and this probably is the be all end all. Even reduced do you want this level of closness between your BF and his sister? Will be telling her about his wedding night? You have two paths.
1). Admit defeat. Break it off and mind someone who is more into you then their sister, in a non-sexual way. It will hurt, but you'll stop throwing good money after bad.
2). Sit down and spill EVERYTHING you said here to him. That you don't want a high school relationship anymore that you're wanting time away from his sister. You want him to concentrate on you. Not texting her every moment or bringing her along on days. Lay out your expectations for the relationship. Don't accept what he gives you, expect something more from him. This will be a long hard road and it is predicated on him WANTING to change and sacrifice the relationship he has with his sister.

I don't envy you because there is going ot be a lot of drama going on around this.

I completely get what you are saying, but I honestly just don't want to loose him if I can avoid it. Sitting down and spilling everything is obviously the way forward, just not sure how to say it. I'm fine with close friends and family, just not this much?

They were a packaged deal when you met, and likely will always be. However the challenge of most couples is to reach a compromise on the issues, big or small, and you must be able to honestly express yourselves to each other to achieve that goal. It's seldom a smooth process, and always a chance for conflict, and argument but one that must be had for the long term health of the relationship.

If you are afraid of that process though, don't expect to have any resolutions or agreements, or define any boundaries. I think you are hopeful they come to a conclusion you feel like a third wheel on their own, and that sure won't happen unless you stop just going along with the present program all the time.

I don't think its wrong to expect some reasonable couple time, or to express to them both that's what you want. I think it's wrong NOT to express yourself and how you feel, just be thoughtful how you approach it. I have always thought the mark of a great couple is how they deal with the conflicts and challenges of life, with each others flaws, because it's so easy to be great when things are going great, but a whole other situation when you have to work through the difficult times.

That's when you find out if you are viable long term or NOT. Yeah those grand plans, and good times are great, aren't they, until challenges arise. Express yourself and see what happens, and act accordingly. Just remember, there are no instant results. If you want them to change, you have to be willing to change yourself.

So compromise is more a trade off and will always be a works in progress. Constant adjustments to the plan has been the experience of my own 40 years with my own wife. Not alway that smooth or pretty but fairly constant.

Think of it this way. If it were his mother, instead of his sister, what would you think?

He is dependent on his sister to share his life in an unhealthy way, as far as I'm concerned.

What ever happened to boundaries? And why is it that his sister is not to blame for crossing them as well?

The two of them together, are tied to the hip. (If his sister were her mother we would all be saying he needs to cut the apron strings already!).

Whether that is the case because he is not yet mature enough to develop, and live, and learn, and have relationships without his sister, I doubt very much that he would change anytime soon. He is not an independent person.

Maybe that's why his sister doesn't have her own dates?

Even if the two of you were to move into an apartment together, that would only separate the distance and bond between them until he picks up his phone and starts texting. And I suspect that if you were to say that the relationship will be over if he cannot have some independence from her, he may just modify his behavior to please you, but that does not equate to growing up, and becoming his own person, out from her shadow.

I doubt he is ready for a serious relationship.

When you have talked about moving in together, what plans does the sister have? Has that been mentioned? Can she afford to live on her own, or will she be getting a new roommate?

As far as going out on your own, plan something just for the two of you. For example, simply tell him that you wanted to treat him on a date next Saturday and that you made reservations at a nice place for you and him, then plans for a movie afterwards. Or find a local show and purchase two tickets to surprise him with. The point is, you may have to be the one to start initiating a few dates that include just the two of you. Other times you can include his sister if you want to from time to time.

If he asks if his sister can come along, or says he'll check with her if she is free to go, tell him no, not this time, this time is just for the two of you. Take the lead, because he apparently isn't going to, or doesn't realise that this bothers you. See how it goes... he may end up being perfectly fine with it and his sister may actually start spending time with friends of her own.

You want to destroy a future and make him very unhappy... then keep wedging yourself between him and his family. I'm sure YOU would be upset if he made YOU choose between him or them.

Now if she expected to live with both of you after a wedding... then OK, that might be a bit much, if its more than a very temporary thing.

Is it possible I am detecting some jealousy that he has a much closer relationship with his family than you do? I've actually seen this before. You'rs won't be the first.

Also might this be a cultural type thing. There are several cultures that its common for a family member to tag along when an unmarried family member is out and about with a member of the opposite sex. And on this website... we have many members that fall into that category.

Didn't mean that to be adversarial....just to clear up some points I noticed that I didn't see being mentioned by anyone.

I've read some of the posts but I'll just post my own thoughts and if they mesh with others, that's fine.

The sister doesn't want to date based on what you posted, but she expects to be invited on your dates with her brother, and if she doesn't agree with your plans she changes them and he goes along with it? That's just not right.

I'd sit down with both of them, be frank but kind. I'd tell him that as his girlfriend you'd like time with him without having his family come along on dates. I'd tell her that you like her, that you consider her a friend, but as a friend you'd like her to back off a bit and let you spend alone time with your boyfriend.

It's great that they're close, and they'll likely always be close, but they have to make room for other people in their lives, and a girlfriend or boyfriend should be a priority without ruining the relationship that they have. But there has to be boundaries, and right now there don't seem to be any.

I would not talk to the sister but I would to him. Let him know how you feel. I also like DoulaLC's suggestion. You take charge and make a few dates for the two of you.