My 28 yr-old son lives and works abroad. He dutifully visits us twice a year. However, on these visits, his behaviour towards us is belittling, disrespectful, arrogant and self-absorbed. We have given him a reasonable upbringing and have been normal and respectable ourselves. It is as if he is so puffed up with self-importance that he doesn't care about others' feelings.

When I try to think of possible reasons for this, the only clue that comes to mind is his CAT scan report done in childhood, that reports an abnormally large Meckel's Cave. He was on Tegretol for about 3 years.

Anybody out there who can help me understand the situation?

Agonized Mom.

Many 28 year olds are this way, it has little to do with many things, except his life choices, A medical test could be done of course, but most likely it is just a personality.

More than likely I think his behavior is a natural process of his horizons being broadened away from home but without knowing more of his behavior its hard to say. You only see him once a year so its really hard to know what he goes through in his life abroad.

Living and working away from home is bound to change a person, but it may have little to do with his childhood issues. I do know that parent/child relationships almost always change over years, and the adjustments are many, sometimes very hard. Could this be more of his moving from his traditional upbringing to a more modern one? I don't know without example of his rude abusive behavior.

Maybe more background into his living abroad and the background he came from would be helpful in shedding some light on your relationship with him better. For sure at 28, he is in the middle of his current development phase, as uncomfortable as it may be for now.

Do you communicate often besides his yearly visits?

I agree with all the above.

Life can be very difficult to find a sense of who we are all through our 20s and into our 30s. There is often a struggle between what we want, or hope to identify as what we want, versus what our parents taught us. Your son is determined to be a success in a career, I assume. You don't say whether he is or not! He could be doing very well, or he could be hiding self perceived failures in a still tough economy. It isn't easy for most children to open up to parents, and it isn't easy for most parents to have heart to heart talks with grown children.

I myself was a financial failure as a young person, and went home (dutifully) with a chip on my shoulder towards my parents, or at least my mother, who I saw as someone who just wanted to brag about her children around town.

Nothing to do with Meckel's, in anyone's case.

I don't think there is any excuse for being rude to ones' parents.

He sounds like he's regressing into childhood- was he always like this?

If he was, there is not much hope you can change him, and just thank your lucky stars that he visits only twice a year.

If he wasn't like this growing up, stop trying to figure him out, or dig up reasons that justify bad behavior.

I don't know why you put up with it.

If you haven't talked to him directly about his behavior (not the reasons for it), then I suggest you do. Sit him down and tell him you are tired of the way you are treated. And, if he says you don't know what you're talking about, or suggests there is something wrong with you, realize that he is deflecting responsibility for his own behavior off on you.

IF talking to him only has him defending his behavior toward you, by deflecting blame elsewhere, be firm, and tell him it has to stop. If, on the other hand, he suddenly floods emotion out with what has been going on in his life that has him outwardly being nasty, then is the time to help.

He could very well be having difficulty with his work, or relationships, or feelings of being lost or not getting anywhere, and who knows- maybe this is all triggered because he is so far away from family that he is lonely and needs the comforts of home. He may also think that his life is something that you don't want to hear about, and he is protecting himself emotionally by his anger, and has built a wall between himself and you.

What you are seeing in him now, has nothing to do with you. He is venting/dumping strong emotions, in order to make himself feel better. Sort of like how you feel after a long walk. You have not caused him to be this way- this is how he is dealing with whatever is going on in his life.

So, you may never know what prompts his bad behavior. But, in your home, you can and should put a stop to it, and acknowledge that his behavior is affecting your life, and he needs to stop.

Only with that little bit of respect restored toward you, will you ever be able to get him to talk, and get to the truth of why he is the way he is.