Hello Internet,

I wanted to run a dating/breakup scenario by you all for some advice. I moved to Florida for my first professional job where I met a blonde girl named, lets call her Ruth.

I'm 27 and she's 29.
She's the life of every party and I'm a quiet yet witty type.
She makes friends with literally everyone she meets.
She doesn't take anything seriously.
She has dated two other guys in the past and tells everyone she has never been in love.
We dated for 8 months total.

It was definitely a stronger attraction to her personality (she makes me laugh a LOT) but also her physical looks of course. Back then, I had five different mutual friends tell me she had a huge crush on me and she even sort of broke down in my cubicle one day when she asked about what kind of girl I'm looking for. I eventually asked her out.

Things were great for maybe five months.

On month 6 I noticed she would get nervous and look away when I looked into her eyes. I had a feeling she didn't feel as strongly for me as I did for her which I was okay with at that time. I also realized I loved her, which I was relieved about because I was worried it wouldn't happen again.

She's got a picture perfect family and her parents STILL baby her. Great people but I think they are doing her a disservice, she believes in finding that fairy tale romance like you see in movies. She argues that its still possible to find the perfect person and have that magic spark and live happily ever after because that's how her parents tell their own love story. She is naïve and uninformed but wholesome.

On month 7, her parents came into town stayed with her for the entire month! I met them and spent a couple hours out with them and that was fine. We didn't have ANY one-on-one time for the entire month of May. I felt forgotten. She would text once a day with "How are you?" and then I'd tell her what's going on and she'd respond with "Great! Well, were going out to blah blah blah today, I hope you have a great night!" And that was it for the whole day.

Our friend and coworker threw a summer party during that time and she cut out time away from her parents to attend this party. She wouldn't find time for me though... her priorities made me pretty upset. I went to the party of course to see my girlfriend.

After her parents left, I asked to see her and she came over and asked her if something was wrong to which she responded completely unaware that I had been completely neglected for a month.
I broke up with her that night after a long conversation on my couch. She admitted I made sense and wondered what her problem was. She said she took me for granted and she was very sorry. She did not want me to break up with her. She was one of my top priorities at all times, bought her meaningful gifts and flowers all the time. The break up dragged for two hours and she clearly didn't want to go, she bawled her eyes out and I felt like such a jerk. It hurt to see her like that. However, I was proud of myself for calling the shots and I initiated the whole no contact business right away.

Two months went by and I was feeling very alone. I missed her badly since we were friends for a year before dating. Huge empty space left :( We both got new jobs and we no longer saw each other every day. Oddly enough, both our new jobs are in the same building but on two different floors!

I ran into her accidentally at my old co worker's happy hour (someone she never spoke to). I figured she wanted to see me? We had a GREAT time and spoke to each other exclusively for hours. I asked her out the next day to dinner and she accepted and seemed excited. During the dinner, we talked about superficial crap, small talk. In the parking lot I told her what was on my mind and if things could be 50/50 this time around, I'd like to try dating again. She hesitated and told me, she was afraid I'd ask that. She said "I would disappoint you again. I haven't changed yet." She asked if we could be friends then reached out and held my hand for ten minutes which was confusing. She tried asking if we could be friends in about four other ways and then hugged me closely for another ten minutes. She wouldn't let me leave. I told her she needs to find out what she is looking for and think hard about it. The ball is in YOUR court, I told her. We both left after that.

Its four months later and I've seen her twice at social events since then. We both attend parties at our old coworkers' house twice a year. We just saw each other at the Halloween party and I ignored her as much as possible until we were the only ones left inside the house! Before leaving that night I jokingly saluted her (purposefully awkward) and pretended to walk away... because it was clearly a suspenseful moment to see how I said good bye. I came back and gave her a hug, to which she clung on to me for a few extra seconds and said "Oh thank goodness."

Two days later, my good friend tells me they hung out over the weekend and I came up in conversation. She wanted to talk with me during the party but wasn't sure if that was okay. My friend told her to talk to me if she wanted to and I'd make the call about whether I felt like speaking to her. My friend then tells me that she said "I hope he finds someone, hes the best." That hurt. He also told me that she isn't seeing anyone.

She's actually said that a couple times since our break up. It doesn't make sense, all I wanted was proper attention from my girlfriend. Why is that so difficult for her to rectify?

Since seeing her at the Halloween party, I cannot stop thinking about her or this situation. I'm bound to run into her again soon. I both look forward to it and dread it. We usually have Thanksgiving together since both our families live over 8 hours away.

I have not contacted her willingly in 4 months but I have run into her in person at parties and she waved at me in the hallway once in the building we work in.

My gut tells me she wants to see me but doesn't know what she's looking for. She doesn't initiate contact with guys at all, she's timid with that sort of thing.

Did I pull the plug too quickly? Should I have simply asked her for more attention and then moved forward with her? Or did I make a good call? Should I keep the no contact going as much as possible? Ideas as to how I should proceed?

I have gone on a date or two since our breakup and they've been awful. I met the most uninteresting women on the planet, I swear. Ruth is one in a million.

Well, I would truly appreciate some advice here. I'm going crazy and I can't sleep.

Thanks everyone :)

Yes, I think you did rush into a break up. You should have sucked it up for month while she enjoyed her parents instead of being immature and selfish. Now she knows better than to give you her heart because you have shown her a bad side. Now you are reduced to friend zone, chance meetings, and cross talk from others.

Sorry, your ego blew it but if you think its worth another shot, go ahead, but she has already said she will never change so its probably pointless! Acceptance is all the closure you get I think, at this point, unless you got more to add.

You know the NC rules, so apply them better. Eventually it will work for you.

Hi Talaniman,

Glad to see you're still here giving good advice after all these years. You are the first person to tell me I made a bad call. I may have missed a few key details.

Everyone I went to for advice told me I wasn't imagining it and that she was indeed treating me unfairly.
We only saw each other twice a week while we were together.

After six months together we had a talk because I wanted to see her more and she told me at that time that her feelings for me haven't developed at all since she met me. That was hard to hear since I was ready to tell her I loved her.

You really do not think a whole month apart is a lot just because her parents were in town? They come to town twice a year or so. Does that mean I have to take 2 months away from her per year while she visits with them? I've got friends and family and even her friends telling me she was taking me for granted.

On one hand I 've got people telling me to have some self respect and value myself more and on the other I've got you telling me I have a huge ego and I've screwed up a relationship that I really want back. I don't have much of an ego to be honest but I've got lots of people telling me I shouldn't put up with such little effort on her part. I'm not sure which one it is, honestly. I didn't want to be that clingy sort who stick around in a one-sided relationship. A one sided relationship, that's what I've described here, is it not?

If I simply did what I want without thinking about it, I'd have never broken it off with her and I'd probably still be crazy in love with her and she'd still be... whatever she was with me. Casually happy, I guess.

Before I go trying to contact her I want to hear what you think with those added details. I obviously want to avoid the friend zone so how can I proceed here to try to recover from this?

Thanks guy, for the additional info. I think it adds an important detail to this situation. That 6 month talk would have me rethinking this relationship, and its highly possible she never had the guts to come clean herself. Often though we never consider that the other persons feelings may not be as intense, or deep as our own, and may not be as committed to us as we think they should be. Maybe you hung on to this relationship too long given how she finally said her feelings for you had not grown in that time, and it does explain her changing priorities and growing distance.

But that does mean NC needs to be better applied until you get through this healing period. Disappointing I know, but I have been through a few relationships that never got beyond the friends dating phase and even those that the girl left me feeling led on because she just couldn't be honest about she wasn't as into it as I was but you have to thank them anyway for their time and keep on trucking!

I think you already know that the next chance for romance is only as far away as you being over this one and ready for the next chapter of your life. Be grateful for the experience and the lessons learn which sadly come after a proper healing. I have to add that I have always had a thing about getting others involved in my love life, as its easy to cloud the waters with too many opinions. Be careful with that, and good luck with the healing process. It does get better.

Hi Tal,

I've been through these events in my head so many times I guess I glossed right over those critical details. Yes, she told me twice actually she didn't think her feelings were developing but she wanted to see how things played out. The girl seems emotionally detached. It might be worth mentioning that our 8 months was her longest relationship. Her longest before that was only 5!

I don't know what incentive you have for posting on this website but I truly am grateful for the free advice. I'm surprised you even read my entire first post. Thanks very much for your time.

Lastly, any last pieces of advice about running into her when I'm out? Unfortunately, we have the same circle of friends and we all work in the same industry here in Florida. Everyone knows everyone. She approached me at the Halloween party two weeks ago to specifically say hello. As I mentioned before, my friend told her to speak to me if she wants to and to leave it up to me to either have a conversation or walk away. Unless I flat out do not participate in any of these social events I get invited to, it will be tough to avoid her. And I'd rather be a part of it than be alone in front of my computer at home.

I have always chosen to be polite and friendly when encountering exes even after a recent breakup, but I also can see that your social life is wrapped up with your work life, so I can only suggest expanding your social life a bit more, and having more options for fun, and things to look forward too. A chance to meet new people and have different activities.

When your world is limited, so are your options. It's always tougher to heal when you see an ex often after a break up, and tougher when you work together, quiet guy. Her very presence keeps old feelings stirred up, fresh and upfront. Explore your world, there is more to it than just your work/social life. That's how I get out of a rut. Got friends or family besides work buds? A change of scenery can shake things up.

Hello again, Yes, indeed, my social life is wrapped up in my professional life. It's a small industry and everyone knows everyone. I have been searching for ways to expand my options as you suggested and I attended a new church last Sunday.

Believe it or not, she texted me out of the blue today while I was at work. She was very friendly and enthusiastic at first. Told me she was unpacking her Christmas things and found my stocking she bought for me. She asked if I wanted it back. Truth be told, I forgot all about the thing. Then she added I still have her old Nintendo game she brought over once and would like to exchange these things soon. She said if need be, she can leave it at the front desk at my work place so we wouldn't have to meet face to face because "you don't want to see me". Truth is, I REALLY want to see her actually but I was trying no contact. I miss her terribly and was happy to hear from her. I answered and tried my best to come off as balanced, light hearted, and polite of course. I told her there's no reason to drop it off at work because I'll probably get beat up by my co-workers and stuffed in a locker like high school. I was joking but that would seriously be a bit embarrassing. Since NC is pretty much out the window between seeing her everywhere and texting each other today, I went and invited her out to do Christmas shopping with me like we used to. It was a casual offer and I told her I'm going anyway. She initially seemed to accept, saying if we go around 6pm that will work since the store closes at 8pm. But then she says she remembers at the party (mentioned previously) I said it was a "maybe just a little awkward around her". She then asks if we'd be doing this as friends. I tell her it would be fine to go as friends but I would gladly bring her things to work so we may exchange in the parking lot. She says "I'd rather just do that and see how it goes :)" She made several excuses to not get together despite her being the one to mention I should go to this particular store. I simply invited her to come with me!

I don't know why but I can sense she's avoiding me as if she's terrified of seeing me. I broke things off because her priorities were backwards and she wasn't giving me much (or any) attention while her parents were in town. This girl is emotionally detached and if I had to guess I'd say she has trouble acknowledging and expressing her emotions. She never takes anything seriously as I said before and when I would try to force her to level with me... she would struggle and just tell me "I don't know." And that's in regards to everything, not just her feelings about me. It's hard not to speculate, drives me crazy inside. We got along great, amazing chemistry, she just needs to step it up with the attention if we tried again.

Okay, so with that all said, how should I handle this exchange of items in the parking lot? Our past two or three interactions for the last 4 months have been cordial and polite. I don't want her to feel like I'm being clingy so I'm inclined to simply hand her the video game, smile, and say goodnight.

Keep it cordial and polite. Just because you are incompatible as romantic partners doesn't mean you have to be a jerk, and clearly can't handle a friendship yet.