I'll try to make this short and sweet...

My ex has been in a new relationship for 5 months now. We are still friends and talk every once in a while. Not to dive too much into the history, but we both care for each other, but understand that a friendship was better for us.

Anyway... she met the guy on Plenty Of Fish, despite me telling her she should use a different method. Sorry to anyone who uses it, but PoF is the lowest of the low in my opinion, minus the obvious "adult hookup" sites.

She's pretty insecure and can be very naïve and gullible, so I couldn't help myself to investigate the guy. No jealously at all but I know she's not smart enough to do her own research. No one should be trusted at first. Currently, there are several "adult hookup" sites he has profiles on, though most of them say he hasn't "logged in" in a year or two. There are loads of nude pictures of himself and his manhood publicly available by a simple Google search of his commonly used profile name. Also, he's posted graphic pictures of sexual encounters with a few women (Luckily for them, their faces weren't in any of them). He has publicly blogged about his sexual experiences with women in the past too.

He's a self-proclaimed Sadist and into BDSM... "a dominant male". She spends time with him so I'm sure she's picked up on that stuff though. Or she's just getting caught up in honeymoon stage.

Most of the dirt on him is from a few years ago, but it still says something about his character. Do people really "change"? He could possibly be using other identities.

As a concerned friend, I'm torn whether I should even say anything. Or even how to bring it up if I wanted to. A part of me thinks she just need to figure it out on her own. She does have a daughter and the thought of a creep like that around her makes me sick.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Hmmm.. a bit of a tough one. The old standby advice is STAY OUT OF IT. But you are still friends to some extent, and you care about her, and her child.

Off the top of my head, what I would do is lie just a little, and tell her that you happened to see his ID all over the place, and saw a few unsettling things. Leave it at that! Either she investigates or she doesn't. If she asks you to tell her more, tell her that you don't feel comfortable being the researcher, and she needs to do it. If she can sign up for these sites, she can do simple research on her own. This can still backfire, if she decides to turn it into you keeping tabs on her. That's why it's important to limit what you say to ONE sentence.

This is going to seem harsh and I know it isn't what you want to hear, but please stop and think.

Quite frankly this appears to be a continuation of your inability to let go. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/confused-struggling-moving-795136.html

I think you need to stay out of her life. Her romantic/sex life is no longer your concern. She is an adult even though you appear to think she is a child who needs your protection. She has to make her own choices including searching the past of any male she becomes involved with romantically.

If he was that open with his sex life then he has probably been open and up front with her. Just because he has likes doesn't mean he is trying to 'convert' her or endangering her child in any way.

If you were my ex and told me that you researched (or even hinted at researching) the person I am currently seeing, I would let our friendship go faster than you could type your own name into the search bar. Especially if all you had were items and pictures that are years old. To me it would appear like you were trying to cause trouble for your own personal reasons.

If you are honest with yourself, are you doing this in an attempt to break them up and hopefully get her back?

I'm thinking two things. One is, you remain friends, and two- yes, you do have reason to be concerned because you know her, as a friend.

Because of your friendship, and concern for her, I think you should line up what you have on this guy (hard copies), and arrange to have coffee with her, and show her what you have.

To keep information from her that may very well help her, if she didn't know, is what friends do. It is then completely up to her what she does with the information, and no further action is needed by you.

Maybe this new boyfriend of hers was hit with a bolt of lightening and has completely changed his ways and character.

But, I doubt it.

My train of though is that you keep your opinions to yourself. Opinions are like a$$holes, we all have one.

Because you are a friend, you support her, but let her find out for herself. Should you voice your opinion, you are likely to lose her as a friend because she doesn't agree.

Support her when, and if, this fails. But never be in a position to say "I told you so." She has to learn this for herself. She will never learn it if you are always there to catch her when she falls.

Cat1864 - I appreciate the honest answer. That post was months ago and there was a lot of feelings being spread between us at the time. Like I said, I didn't want to dive into the history, but I can say that I've come a long way in understanding we weren't right for one another in the long run. We all get lonely at times and tend to try to go back to where it was comfortable. We've both helped each other through some tough times and we value that, which helped in the decision to remain friends. Since we do communicate once in awhile, it's well aware that there are lines that cannot be crossed. Their relationship has never been a topic of discussion but I've never given her the impression that she can't come to me if she wants to talk about it either. This is not an attempt to win her back either.

It wasn't stated, but I've known this information for awhile now. Some of which, was word of mouth, from mutual acquaintances. I'm not looking to cause harm to their relationship. The known information, coming from ME (because we dated), could cause a problem and jeopardize the friendship. It would depend on how she takes it. She could either appreciate the concern and do her own research if she feels she needs to OR she'll think I'm still attached, looking to cause a problem and never talk to me again.

It's a tough call.

No, it's not a tough call. It's time to let her go and let her learn on her own. Otherwise you risk appearing controlling an manipulative.

The best thing you can do is be there for her if, or when, this relationship crumbles. Simply put, stay out of it and let her figure it out on her own.

I am glad you seem to be putting thoughts of being together out of your mind.

You are making a huge assumption that he hasn't told her. What you have said about his past would lead me to think he would have told her by now especially about his likes and dislikes. This is not a subject she would share with you because of the past. Would you really expect her to tell you about the sexual proclivities of the man she is currently dating? When you date someone new are you going to tell her everything you talk about and do with the new female in your life?

Even if he hadn't told her, yet, this is his past and he has rights to keep or tell as much as he wants to share. Just as she has a right to keep details of her past to herself so does he.

Be there as a friend, but let her live her own life.

Hmmmm. I was going to say stay out of it... BUT THEN YOU SAID... she has a daughter... Ehhh... that shouldn't make my answer emotional but honestly, it did. For this reason alone, I'd find a way to pass on a BRIEF high-level bit of information and then LEAVE it alone. No further discussions. No long drawn out talks... just a hey, wanted to pass this on as a friend and let it go. The rest is up to her to figure out on her own.