We met in a writing class in college 1 1/2 years ago before I moved cities to work and was forced to quit school. I have social anxiety so dating, making and maintaining friends are very difficult for me. Anyway, our friendship started when "Sarah" added me to FB. After that I struck up a conversation with her in the hall one day, and we hit it off. She invited me to go to lunch with her and other classmates (her friends) every week for the rest of the year. She's a really friendly, nice person. She'd often randomly compliment me with "you always dress really well/look so cool." On the last day of class, her group and I went for drinks and she confessed that "at the start of the school year she thought I was too cool for her group.” She didn't think I'd ever talk to them, but was happy to find out "Wow, she's nice!"


When I told her I was moving to another city we had this dramatic, long goodbye. She hugged me really hard a few times, and said she "wanted us to be friends and keep in touch." In Feb. she invited me to her 1st film screening, I attended. She insisted that I sleep at her house but I declined. She looked very sad.
Recently I texted her. She wants to meet up when I have the time and get drunk and 'I can stay with her because she has a new place.' I also worried about the consequences of NOT sleeping over if we went out drinking:


A. Would she get home safely?
B. How would I? I live in another city and don't drive, cabs are expensive and buses run at weird times in the night/early morning.
C. I'm not much of a hard drinker unlike her, and I've never been drink (only tipsy). I'm afraid to say anything though because I don't want to sound lame.


I was mulling over all this when I received a text from her a few days ago reminding me that her birthday is mid-November. She said she's going to have a little party on a Friday with a few people, but added that I should definitely come over and I could stay the entire weekend. :s I'm not keen on spending one night never mind an entire weekend. I don't know what to say though. She's very sweet and I don't want her to be disappointed or sad. I don't want her to think I don't want to be closer friends, and I don't want her to think I'm socially awkward by not wanting to sleepover. I also want to avoid raising embarrassing questions. Overall I'm afraid of making things awkward. Totally at a loss as to what to do at this point. :(


Also, I hate parties. I'm a wallflower tbh. I'm wondering if I should miss the party and hang out some other time (no idea when), or just drop in for like an hour or so and then leave… What makes the party more unappealing is that there's a guy whom she is great friends with, we used to like each other but things got weird and didn't work out, we're awkward around each other and I'd hate to have to deal with him. Not to mention, she lives several cities from me, and I'll have to commute by bus in the Canadian winter. I'm seriously considering telling her that my attending her party would depend largely on the weather, and that I'll be free before her birthday so maybe we can hang out beforehand instead.


Is this OK? What do you think I should do? Thanks

Go, as for drinking, don't get drunk, switch to sprite or coke and enjoy the time.

Sometimes to have fun, we have to step outside of our comfort zone

Go, as for drinking, don't get drunk, switch to sprite or coke and enjoy the time.

Sometimes to have fun, we have to step outside of our comfort zone

Thanks for your answer. The thing is, parties are pretty much the most anxiety provoking situations for me. They're casual, and socializing is necessary. I don't make friends easily, I'm too scared to approach people most of the time and at parties where I don't anyone but the host I usually end up alone unless I drag my sister along. I don't want to go around the party following Sarah or just sitting awkwardly by myself. It happened earlier this year and it's just very embarrassing and depressing. I don't want to deal with it.

Another thing is we live far from each other, so I don't have a ride as it stands and so I don't have an easy exit strategy either. If I did, I'd definitely consider going just to pop in and leave when I felt awkward and isolated. Ugh. I'm sorry, I know this isn't that big a deal to most people. But I haven't responded to her text for several days now because iI have no idea what to do or say. I feel awful and depressed.

You can live your life afraid to have fun with others, or take a chance and take this OPPORTUNITY to have fu. Go for it, and DON'T drink alcohol. That would at least show you had the courage to try. You may even learn something, OR HAVE A GOOD TIME (even with the awkward guy)!

Anything beats scaring yourself with excuses not to TRY!

You can live your life afraid to have fun with others, or take a chance and take this OPPORTUNITY to have fu. Go for it, and DON'T drink alcohol. That would at least show you had the courage to try. You may even learn something, OR HAVE A GOOD TIME (even with the awkward guy)!

Anything beats scaring yourself with excuses not to TRY!

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post Talaniman. I really want to respond to her text as soon as I can I've been ignoring it for several days because I'm so nervous about everything and have no idea what to say or what I'll do.

I've attended a film screening party she had earlier this year in February, despite the poor weather and despite my anxiety, because a family friend was able to drop me off and my sister was willing to come too. I just don't want to live my whole life only going out socially if my sister is there to be my security blanket. But going alone is pretty horrifying too.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to go because once again I'm struggling to find a ride, and I think I'll tell her this. But even if I do find a means of getting there, I'm not good with meeting new people. I'm awkward no matter how much I try, just end up standing/sitting off somewhere on my own. Approaching people is next to impossible for me too. I could see myself utterly alone at her party, and I wouldn't want her to feel burdened to 'take care' of me and follow her around.

I have considered 'poppin in' to say hi and leave after like an hour or less depending on how left out and anxious I feel. I've also considered skipping the party and suggesting we hang out before her birthday weekend or the day after. Are any of those reasonable ideas? Or detrimental to our friendship?

Also, people have told me to tell her about my anxiety. I've never really told any friends about it. Is it a good idea? How would I say it? The last thing I need is for her to misunderstand me, pity me or avoid me because I have 'mental issues.'

I have been ignoring her text for several days because I can't think of what to say. I've been struggling with anxious thoughts and depression since receiving it. I'm terrified and stressed. I'm thinking of texting her this:
"Thanks so much for the invitation to your party! To be honest with you I have social anxiety and I'm afraid a party will be difficult for me. I don't want this to effect our friendship in anyway so I'm definitely gonna make an effort to attend anyway, but right now I don't have a ride. If I can't make it I think we should hang out sometime before your party since I can make the time, or maybe even on the Saturday afterwards? Sorry for being so inconvenient! :( I'll keep you updated on my ride situation!"


I've never confessed this humiliating, taboo fact about myself with a friend. Does this sound all right?

I edited your reply a bit

"Thanks so much for the invitation to your party! I'm definitely gonna make an effort to attend anyway, but right now I don't have a ride. If I can't make it I think we should hang out sometime before your party since I can make the time, or maybe even on the Saturday afterwards? Sorry for being so inconvenient! :( I'll keep you updated on my ride situation!"

You don't have to confess your heart and soul through a text, just follow up on a visit before/after the party. Then you can explain in person, if the spirit moves you, but just being nice and considerate as she is to you is enough for friendship. Good people understand good people.

Keep it simple.

I edited your reply a bit

"Thanks so much for the invitation to your party! I'm definitely gonna make an effort to attend anyway, but right now I don't have a ride. If I can't make it I think we should hang out sometime before your party since I can make the time, or maybe even on the Saturday afterwards? Sorry for being so inconvenient! :( I'll keep you updated on my ride situation!"

You don't have to confess your heart and soul through a text, just follow up on a visit before/after the party. Then you can explain in person, if the spirit moves you, but just being nice and considerate as she is to you is enough for friendship. Good people understand good people.

Keep it simple.

Thanks for your reply Talaniman. It's just that I'm nervous enough writing this out as a text, I'd never tell someone face to face. And I don't know where that would fit into a conversation since I have little experience really opening up to people. I think I do it best in writing to be honest. Some people have told me to tell her, but you suggest I don't. Is it too awkward to text to someone? Sorry for bothering you about this. I have no idea what to do.

It would be nice to be honest, but I'm terrified of the consequences. I agree with your last point and desperately hope it's true.

I have no doubt she will want to ask a few questions about your problem, because few know what social anxiety is. I go with a letter/call rather than a text if it's that hard, but personally, nothing beats IN PERSON!

You may get a hug too ;D

True, I might just say I have anxiety, and not specify what kind unless she asks, and mention that I can get nervous at parties or something. I don't know, still figuring it out. I wish I could call her about it but I have pretty bad phone anxiety too. A hug would be nice though haha