View Full Version : I want to throw her off a cliff and catch her at the bottom
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 05:26 PM
As you're reading this, I bet you are kind, and experienced. I know this is a lot to take in, but I went in to detail to clarify my situation. Please help, this is serious :)
To begin with, I'm 19, I studied sociology/psychology for a few years(so I don't have a flexible opinion, everything I say I believe to be the one and only truth, and I have experience and knowledge to back my opinion up) , I studied voluntarily. I always was a party guy but I rarely liked people(no values, sluts, douches, players, damaged girls, gold diggers, or boring introverts(no judgement, just not for me) . I have very strong sense of values, I'm friendly, assertive, intelligent, very outgoing.
Here's the deal, I always wanted a girl who's outgoing, but not slutty, who's intelligent, but not boring... And that's very hard to find, In my situation they are either too active sexually (4-10 partners at 14-18 years -- outgoing and slutty) or they are so boring with no sense of humor (no sex partners and has values --- boring but have values)...
Since I'm outgoing, I was desperate for a girlfriend, I rejected at least 15 girls, at least 5 of them wanted to have sex(they said so, drunk or best friend) and 4 months ago, I finally found a girl (she's 2 years younger).
She has values, she doesn't want me to pay for everything, friendly, outgoing, smart, pretty, great sense of humor, loves me, cares for me, she's my 2nd girlfriend , but I can tell that she's the most amazing girl I've ever met -- full package, and I'm afraid to lose her, also, as years pass, there will be no good girls left, and where I live this feeling is the truth. I don't want damaged goods but I want my current girlfriend.
The deal is, she's the full package, but she's damaged goods, she lost virginity at 14, and she was dumped for another soon after, afterwards she had sex with 5 more guys since we met(2 years later) most guys were one night stands or "friends". Few months before we met she was sending nudes to a few guys from other cities, she was so nasty saying she wants to have sex and stuff don't get me going. From my point of view she's a slut, of course there is a reason, she was dumped, angry , lost , innocent, so I forgave her and stayed with her, because she's changed(sincerely believe that). I have her Facebook , she's so constantly hit on, and many people know of her reputation(I live in a city, where's maybe 80 thousand people, and maybe only 20% of them are teenagers... Lithuania -- 2.5 million people overall)
BUT... She's constantly hit on, and she was keeping in contact with one of her sexting friends, I caught her, she says "they we're just chatting as friends" about sex of course... but she did tell him to lose all hope(before I noticed the chat) so I forgave.
Afterwards , her best friend, whom she met 3 days after we started a relationship, was hitting on her so bad, hearts, kisses, telling her to dump me, and she replied with the same, about dumping me and stuff, of course I found out every little message, and she said "We're just joking" , weird, but us teenagers do have no sense of boundaries, I also did this deed, and was hit on hard by my all previous best female friends, but I was only joking , unlike them(guys hit on girls by "being overly friendly", and it usually works). But I forgave her anyway.
Now, she's still chatting with this guy, he's a player, my friends want to beat him up because he went after their girlfriends as well, he even admitted to hit on them and my girlfriend, but she still says that he's her best friend and I should leave it alone and trust her.
I know if I bug her about it I will ruin our relationship, If I don't , I will go insane, I want to throw her off a cliff, and catch her at the bottom.
Conclusion to clarify : I want a moral relationship, true, pure love --- happy life, my girlfriend offers that, but she has a history with men, and she's constantly hit on, but she refuses to admit that and still chats with others. Knowing her history, she has a tendency to fall for those players who just pretend 'till they get close enough to use her(I'm the best player there is, joking of course, but I have friends(male/female) whom I discuss about everything, I know a lot about this), all her one night stands started with "friends" and she fell for them since she's young and stupid, she changed now, but she still falls for the same trap, and I find it VERY HARD to trust her, I want her to stop, but she won't, She warned me if touch this subject one more time we're through, just by saying anything about this I make her cry and she starts calling me a psychopath because I don't trust her, I know I should, but she should stop doing this too.
P.P.S. She's loyal , that's a fact, I want her to stop letting guys hit on her, and cut off any potential threats. So what should I do? What's your opinion about my situation? What would you do? Thank you in advance, anything will help ^.^
Moral : We all make assumptions, but don't assume you're right, talking is always the best solution.
Don't be judgmental, nobody likes that, neither do we.
Forget the past, if you look back for too long while moving along the road of your life, you may hit a tree.
Be the hero of your own movie, do the thing, that a hero would do in your place, stay confident, work , and you will succeed.
I have trust issues, and I am right to have them. But because I see it that way, doesn't mean it is that way.
Thank you all for your time :)
Wondergirl
Oct 26, 2014, 05:37 PM
I've trumped you with my master's in psych.
You want her to stop, but she won't. You want purity; she's damaged goods (your words). You're thinking forevermore while she's sexting other guys. She has warned you to lay off the criticism and shaming. You can't.
Can you guess what my advice is?
Homegirl 50
Oct 26, 2014, 05:39 PM
Are you a virgin, a saint?
I would suggest she leave you. You have no respect for her. She will never be good enough for you and you will eventually make her feel like crap.
I hope you find your saint but will you be good enough?
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 05:44 PM
I'll clarify, I'm not a saint, she's my 2nd, and she didn't sext any other guys while we were together, she was loyal all the time, but she is overly friendly with other guys who hit on her, most guys hit on all girls all the time... I'm happy that they do, it proves that she's great, but she won't admit they do that and it scares me
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 05:46 PM
"While we were together"
You are no longer together? Your standards are too high for today's world. You will never find someone who meets your stringent specifications.
Wondergirl
Oct 26, 2014, 05:47 PM
I'll clarify, I'm not a saint, she's my 2nd, and she didn't sext any other guys while we were together, she was loyal all the time, but she is overly friendly with other guys who hit on her, most guys hit on all girls all the time... I'm happy that they do, it proves that she's great, but she won't admit they do that and it scares me
Why should she "admit" it if both of you know it happens? What would be the point?
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 05:50 PM
J_9 But I still need love, I realise my standarts are too high, I'm willing to forget her past, but as you know, our past shows a great deal about our present, she was hit on, she fell for it, I'm scared it will happen again, because she doesn't admit that they hit on her. She's loyal, but naïve, I want her to stop being naïve, because I can't stop being pushy
Wondergirl, because the guy was writing it in a jokingly matter, but he wasn't joking, Because he cheated 3 times, in a past year, maybe more, but she won't accept that he's hitting on her and insists he's only a friends . P.S. he lives abroad, because of family, but he comes to our town few times a year
Homegirl 50
Oct 26, 2014, 05:50 PM
Maybe she does not think about guys hitting on her the same way you do. Why would that scare you?
You have no respect for this girl. You refer to her as damaged goods. If you want someone so pure, why are you wanting to stay with her? Accept her as she is or leave her alone.
Wondergirl
Oct 26, 2014, 05:53 PM
What you are offering her isn't love. Do her a huge favor and break up with her -- and No Contact after that.
Homegirl 50
Oct 26, 2014, 05:54 PM
Well if she stops being naïve she will wise up and leave you.
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 05:54 PM
Her past is her past and should be none of your business. This is where relationships fail.
Now, ow, you mentioned you "were" together. Please clear this up. Are you still together?
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 05:57 PM
Homegirl, I fancy your different opinion :) . You are right, I don't respect, because from my point of view she doesn't respect me in this topic as well. There's a guy, who cheated with my close friends ex, half a year a go, it all started the same way, she also said the same thing to her boyfriend just like mine. So I know this for a fact that he's hitting on her. And yes, I called her naïve, because she can't realise when she's hit on, the guy may get too close, and steal her, I do have trust issues.
I only told you half of the story, the bad side. She does love me, and this is the only problem we've had throughout our relationship, she told me herself that I'm perfect, besides this. Our relationship is perfect besides this. She's naïve, I'm forceful, I'm willing to change, if she is
Homegirl 50
Oct 26, 2014, 05:59 PM
You have a few issues. Leave her alone. No girl needs to be with a guy who thinks she is damaged goods and thinks she is naïve if she does not share his views or fears
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:02 PM
J_9 we are together :) . Ok I'll clarify one last time. I have trust issues, If someone hits on my girl, I want them gone, They stated that they don't want to be normal friends, got rejected, but still budge in to her life, but they have no reason other than to hit on her, so I may be assuming, but I don't think I'm wrong. She refuses to cut them off, I don't understand why, why would she let a stranger who hit on her become a close friend
Homegirl, touché, I'm willing to change, I'm overreacting at the moment also, it's 3 AM and I've kept this inside, I'm just bursting out and showing it worse than it is. I'm willing to change, and it's not that bad as I make it seem. Now I did realise something, I have trust issues, because I don't agree that a stranger who is famous for ing around hit on a girl, and suddenly he became a normal guy. I refuse to accept this, but maybe you can change my mind... And I can be a guy that my girlfriend deserves to have
Wondergirl
Oct 26, 2014, 06:05 PM
You said she warned you that, if you bring this up one more time, you two are through.
Can you leave it alone while you work on your trust issues?
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:07 PM
P.S. Are you saying that if a player hits on a girl, and he did steal quite some girls and he's only 17!! suddenly can become a good normal person and stop doing that? If you are right, then I am wrong and she's not naïve and I have a lot of making up to do, but explain to me, how am I wrong
Homegirl 50
Oct 26, 2014, 06:08 PM
You have called her damaged goods, she refuses to stop talking to the guys you want her to stop talking to. Why are you so adamant about holding onto her? She obviously does not want what you do, is not the one for you.
You need to ask yourself why you are holding on. You can't make her someone she is not.
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:10 PM
Wondergirl, You're an expert in psychology, I don't ask you to suddenly cure my issues, but you are right, I will leave this alone, as there's no way she would cheat, I should not be worried. But answer me this, I want your opinion, about the guys who try to hit on her, and still insist on becoming close friends after getting rejected, how should I deal with them? I can't just let them do whatever they want... or can I?
Wondergirl
Oct 26, 2014, 06:13 PM
Wondergirl, You're an expert in psychology, I don't ask you to suddenly cure my issues, but you are right, I will leave this alone, as there's no way she would cheat, I should not be worried. But answer me this, I want your opinion, about the guys who try to hit on her, and still insist on becoming close friends after getting rejected, how should I deal with them? I can't just let them do whatever they want... or can I?
What do they want to do?
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:13 PM
You have called her damaged goods, she refuses to stop talking to the guys you want her to stop talking to. Why are you so adamant about holding onto her? She obviously does not want what you do, is not the one for you.
You need to ask yourself why you are holding on. You can't make her someone she is not. I've calmed down, I messed up and called her how no man should... I can't take back my wards, but I can say, that she's OK, but she has a history for seeing no line between friends and lovers, now a guy who wants to take her away hits on her, and she refuses to admit that, because in her opinion it's OK, she believes that sincerely I can tell, but I know better, I definitely know they aren't messing around, and she's naïve, she won't cheat, but I feel insecure about this
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 06:16 PM
Her friends are hers to choose. You have absolutely no say in who she chooses to be friends with. When you are in a relationship you accept them for who they are and who their friends are. Never ever expect someone to change to fit into a mold you have created. If you can't accept this, it's time to move on.
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:18 PM
Well, they tell her compliments, tell her that she's awesome, that they are sad they can't find any girl like her, are lonely and sad, she's the only one they can call a "real friend" (few days after meeting lol and talking for mostly 10 minutes 1 on 1) send her personal pictures, half naked, 6pack, stuff like that, they have common good friends, go out, joke around, joking around is OK of course. I've never met them. But they want to take her to see a movie, go out with her.
Well, they tell her compliments, tell her that she's awesome, that they are sad they can't find any girl like her, are lonely and sad, she's the only one they can call a "real friend" (few days after meeting lol and talking for mostly 10 minutes 1 on 1) send her personal pictures, half naked, 6pack, stuff like that, they have common good friends, go out, joke around, joking around is OK of course. I've never met them. But they want to take her to see a movie, go out with her.
Wondergirl
Oct 26, 2014, 06:20 PM
And she tells them what?
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:25 PM
J_9 thank you, you are right, I shouldn't try to change her, I know this , knew it for a long time(forgot?) It only happens that the only male friends she has at the moment, are the strangers who hit on her, don't have friendly personalities, are rich and body builders, that's odd I'd rather say, no simple male friends, only players, but I may be only assuming
She makes the ugliest face she can and send it to them when they send 6 packs, she tells them she's occupied and to lose all hope when they hit on her. She's loyal :) BTW should've mentioned, I got her Facebook from her, accidentally , and before she knew I saw it, she was replying with :* <3 hot pictures, calling them hot, telling that they are godlike , etc... This was the weird part I mentioned earlier, seeing no bounds, but being sincerely loyal. This combined with her past, gives me trust issues
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 06:25 PM
You do know what happens when you assume, don't you?
You may have had psychology, but you are a master manipulator and a control freak. Have you ever considered counseling for your issues?
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:30 PM
She was cheated on, after this she did some f... around, and when she found me, she told me she would never let me go, I'm the nicest guy she knows, she confessed her love 1 month after we got together, I only replied after 3 months. She was lost, so was I , we found each other, we have our scars, I was also cheated on, I've learned, moved on, but she's still naïve, and this bugs me, I want her to prove her loyalty, she wants me to stop asking for it.
Yes I did, but I have no money, I do sound like a control freak don't I lol, it's not like this, she asked me to repair her laptop, when I turned it on, at that moment a guy was hitting on her "do you think we could be in a relationship" I've did some digging, and my pants after what I saw, so for now I do control her, but I don't want it to be this way... If she only could cut off ties with those losers, I could be normal, I may be asking too much, maybe it's lost hope, but I want to try it
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 06:31 PM
You need to move on. She will never live up to you extraordinary expectations. She's 17 years old, she's allowed to be naïve. You can't expect her to be worldly at her tender age.
Wondergirl
Oct 26, 2014, 06:32 PM
No matter how often she proves her loyalty, you will always demand it again. Like J_9 suggested, get some counseling. I'm betting you can find affordable counseling through your school or church.
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:33 PM
Our relationship is damaged, I'm not perfect, I reacted poorly, but I am young , so is she. We're both at fault for getting into this situation, and we both need to do something about it, I can't turn a blind eye, you must realize why is that by now
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 06:35 PM
If she only could cut off ties with those losers, I could be normal, I may be asking too much, maybe it's lost hope, but I want to try it
You have no right whatsoever to make her choose who she can and cannot be friends with. I see this turning into a very abusive relationship. It is already borderline.
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:38 PM
I will not ask again to prove the loyalty, heck, before I saw her chats, I let her go to see a movie with the guy, though he suddenly couldn't :) . I will stop being freaky when I'm feeling secure, I'm already feeling calm, and past month we had no problems, and she rejected her childhood best friend few days ago who hit on her, so there's no more problems. Truthfully, I didn't want to talk about me, I wanted to know your opinion, how would you react in my shoes, when guys are hitting on her, I'm not that kind of guy who can do nothing
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 06:38 PM
Our relationship is damaged, I'm not perfect, I reacted poorly, but I am young , so is she. We're both at fault for getting into this situation, and we both need to do something about it, I can't turn a blind eye, you must realize why is that by now
You turn a blind eye because she is not your daughter. She is not your property.
Son, you are in dire need of some serious therapy. Get it before you ruin her. He'll, just look at the title of your thread.
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:45 PM
You made me feel bad, thank you, seriously, this helped a lot :D, I noticed what I'm doing wrong, from now on, I will trust her blindly, if she cheats, then be it so, but I'm confident it won't happen. No happy relationship should need proof of loyalty, I knew this before I jumped into one with her, I simply overreacted because of what happened, I'm not as smart and cool headed as I've thought of myself to be. Could I still ask you for your opinion, about how should react in the future, when some guy hits on her, and she acts as if he's only making small talk?
This tittle came from her words, she told me those words, actually, there was a picture to indicate a joke :D Do not mind our twisted sense of humor , it's all right. Luckily, most of what I've said, I've kept inside, thinking whether I'm overreacting, I didn't cross the line , and I'm not controlling her, all she knows is that I'm unhappy with the guys, I called her a kid and naïve, that got her upset , also, she knew my Facebook and looks around my phone all the time. I have no secrets, I don't mind, she also doesn't mind.
Wondergirl
Oct 26, 2014, 06:48 PM
You made me feel bad, thank you, seriously, this helped a lot :D, I noticed what I'm doing wrong, from now on, I will trust her blindly, if she cheats, then be it so, but I'm confident it won't happen. No happy relationship should need proof of loyalty, I knew this before I jumped into one with her, I simply overreacted because of what happened, I'm not as smart and cool headed as I've thought of myself to be. Could I still ask you for your opinion, about how should react in the future, when some guy hits on her, and she acts as if he's only making small talk?
Act like he's your best friend, meaning be part of the conversation. If you act upset and jealous, well, kiss her goodbye.
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 06:52 PM
I did say that I have inflexible mind, what I think of I believe to be the one and only truth, I came here, looking for a solution, but you've provided me with more than I have hoped for, I have a lot to learn. For now, I only have one more question, how to deal with those guys, all the guys, ALL the guys I know, find them and threaten them, I'm not that crazy lol, but If I tell them to stop hitting on my girl kindly, they'll only reply "I'm just a friend, who asks her out 1on1, sends half naked photos , tells her she's beautiful and amazing. Whats wrong with that?" Well, everything, but I can't argue
Haha wondergirl, the problem is , they hit on her on messages, I said, I've never met them, they write to her on the Facebook, when it happens in real life, I do just as you've mentioned, A girl told me to act like this way back, and It does work, but I cant do it when they're online
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 06:54 PM
It's glaringly apparent she is not as vested in this relationship as you are.
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 07:02 PM
I will fix that, it's my fault for finding problems where there aren't any, that led her to become colder, and I'm nearing the line, which if I cross I can't come back. Before she was more vested in to our relationship, she told me she loves me way before me, she was extremely lovely, telling me that she will do whatever it takes to keep me etc... Any tips on how to make up? Besides buying 101 rose, taking her for a trip etc... I've no money, can't even counsel, I get 100 euros per month to survive, for an european country
J_9
Oct 26, 2014, 07:07 PM
At 19 you should have a job to earn money. It will also occupy your mind and your time.
Hyouka
Oct 26, 2014, 07:09 PM
I'm studying at a business school, no time for a job. So I take you don't know how to make up without spending a lot of money :P well, I do :) Thank you (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVCBrkrFrBE), you probably saved my life here, You made the world a brighter place, even if only a little. I will make sure to make up, and become a great manager, helpful, kind, fair, sincere, loyal , loving boyfriend.
Homegirl 50
Oct 26, 2014, 07:40 PM
You've got issues. Leave the girl alone and work on yourself.
Fr_Chuck
Oct 26, 2014, 10:37 PM
You can not and should not try to tell her , who she can or can not be friends with, that is none of your business, she can, and should have friends outside of you.
Some may be players, some may have hit on her before, if she turned them down, then that is her, that is also none of your business, if it is in the past.
I have no idea, who my wife dated before we got together, I never asked, nor do I want to know. I do not even know all of her friends, I trust her, and that is all that matters.
These are all your problems, and you are trying to blame or use her as an excuse. She is the one more perfect, and it is a surprise she will even stay with you.
Precious7
Oct 27, 2014, 10:42 AM
Get a ''gold fish or a puppy''! She is a human being, and of course she will be different then you. But your demands from her is too high and it looks you just like her but don't love her, bcos you don't even respect her by calling her damaged goods. That's a first sign, if there is no respect then there is no love, only infatuations.
tickle
Oct 27, 2014, 04:10 PM
You called her 'damaged goods', get out ! How did I miss that you jerk. No woman, no matter what she has been through should be called 'damaged goods". You cant belittle a woman like that.
talaniman
Oct 27, 2014, 04:45 PM
Keep living and learning kid, probably the hard way. You may be too young to understand that life is too short to engage in your superior BS!!
You barely can control your own BS, let alone the BS of another. Stay off her social media, and then you won't have to freak yourself out trying to run her business, and can get your own. In truth, she is no more damaged or naive than you are.
You will learn that someday.
DoulaLC
Oct 27, 2014, 06:18 PM
My opinion... I think neither of you are ready to be in a serious relationship... or at least not with each other. She enjoys the attention of other guys to the point of sexting and flirting with them, even when she knows how much it bothers you. You may want it to not bother you but it does, and it will continue to.
You are not able to get passed her past, and are obsessed with getting her to tell you that she knows when she is being hit on. What would it change if she agreed with you? Are you hoping that if she somehow comes to realize it she will no longer encourage it?
You repeatedly say how much you trust her; that you know she won't cheat, but I think you keep saying it in hopes that you may start to believe it.
She hasn't changed her behavior, and isn't likely to, even after you've talked to her. So now you either accept her for how she is, or you decide if you would be better off moving on so that you can find someone more compatible .