I am 40 years old. 3 years ago I met the man who was everything I had been looking for. We have been together every day since the day we met and he moved in with me right away. Very shortly after he came home early from work after his probationary review. He quit because they were not willing to give him the money he claims he was promised. He assured me there was nothing to worry about, there are lots of jobs out there for a Journeyman tradesperson. Trust him. So I did. He landed a job that would have paid very well. It was a camp job. As soon as he arrived in camp he was not satisfied with the accommodations, turned around, drove home and quit the job. This was the start of a trend.

3 years later he has not held a job for more than 3 months. A few times were circumstances beyond his control, I will give him that. Most of the time he quit for promise of a better job which then would also fall apart for one reason or another, amongst other reasons. He would get hired and only work a few times a week. So he would quit and it would take several weeks to find a new job. Trust me, have faith in me, he would say. If you can't have faith in your partner, you have nothing, he would say. He convinced me to finance a truck for him because his credit was not good. I had excellent credit but I was still surprised that it happened so easily. He promised he would have steady work and pay for the truck himself. I knew at the start of the relationship that he wanted to move across the country, and made it clear that he would be moving with or without me. We purchased a piece of land with my money. I was excited to start a new life and build our home together. So we moved to the opposite side of the country. I sold my condo because he said we would never move back. As soon as we arrived the job instability continued and our debt snowballed and became out of control. My car was repo'd, the trailer I financed to move to was repo'd. Our cell phones that were in my name were cut off. All of my accounts are now in collections and the phone never stops and I have absolutely no way to pay. My previously outstanding credit is now in complete shambles. A year and a half later we decided to move back home. We sold everything and headed home. He promised he would have a job as soon as we arrived. It has been 2 months and he is still not working. We stayed with friends and he borrowed money from them and now owes them over $1000. He pushed to get into a place before Christmas. We have just rented a place for $2000/month but have no way to pay because he is not yet working. The landlord was nice enough to let us move in early, so we are all moved in and rent is due in 3 weeks and we have no way to pay. I am sick from the stress. I can barely keep the emotions at bay at work. I am a mess.

I will admit that I have started making snarky comments about the situation. Comments like, we are going to be homeless at the end of the month. This has turned into us not being able to speak to each other civilly. This morning he was giving me a hard time about how big my lunch is which I took offence to considering he has no trouble telling me that if I gain any more weight he will no longer find me attractive. So I stood up for myself and he told me I was ignorant and to go to work. I left the house and totally lost it once I got in the truck and now I am at work wondering what to do? I can't go on being this unhappy. I have put my life which includes our relationship on hold for 3 years as I wait for him to keep his promise. Is that going to happen? How long do you have faith in a person.

Not only is it about putting life on hold for 3 years, but I don't think it is fair that I have to take the financial burden that he has caused with me if I split with him. But I will have no choice because the credit is all in my name. I am torn because I do think we could have a great life together if he could just keep a job. It would be just my luck if I break it off and he lands the big job right after and I am stuck with all this debt? This has all been immensely stressful for us both and is not how the first few years of a relationship should be….in my eyes we haven't even started our relationship. We have been too busy trying to keep our heads above water, the power connected and a vehicle in the driveway. I feel like he has destroyed my life, but the only way of it getting better is to stay with him and hope that he will finally get a job he will stay at. If I leave, I am screwed! I will have to claim bankruptcy, I will have nothing, be totally on my own and have to completely start over. I told myself that if the bottom falls out and I am left with this disaster to deal with, I would just kill myself. I've already been through so much, abusive relationship, loss of both parents, recovered from bankruptcy once already. I thought that this was finally the time when my life would get good and I could be happy. Apparently I don't deserve that.

You do deserve to be happy, but you haven't found it with him, nor are you likely to. You had faith in him that he would do the things that he said he would. He hasn't done them, so he did not keep his end of the bargin. You are a giver to the extreme and he has been happy to take and take some more...even playing on your insecurities to do so.

I would give some careful thought to cutting your loses now. Do you actually love him, or are you just used to having him around? Do you see yourself wanting to continue as things are? If not, start making a list of what you can sell to get out from under some of the debt. Let him know that you simply can not afford it and he is welcome to take over payments if he wants to.

Would it be at all possible for you to move back and live with a friend or family member as you sort your finances? Could you take on a second job to help pay things down? Certainly no one wants to take on more work, but sometimes it is necessary to achieve a desired goal.

Having the financial burden may not be fair, but unfortunately you allowed either your faith in him, wishes for things to change, fear that he would move on without you, etc, to cloud your better judgement. Lesson learned. The silver lining is that you have control of the finances and since things are in your name, you make the decision on what to do with them at this point.

If it came down to a second bankruptcy, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Again, see where you can sell off some things, change your living arrangements, and perhaps take on a second job. You could start with a clean slate and consider financial counseling and even perhaps personal counseling so that you can learn how to avoid a similar "lesson" in the future.

IF you did happen to decide to stay with him, you might want to insist on counseling for the two of you to help make healthy changes. If he refuses, then you will likely be more confident in making the decision to separate.

There is a lot that can be said for being on your own, making your own decisions, and starting over... it can be just what you need to eventually find the happiness that you deserve.

All those things you suggest, been there done that. I’ve already survived a physically abusive relationship with an alcoholic. Had my clean slate. Learned my “lesson”. I was very cautious about who I let in my life before him. I was comfortable being single. Then I met him…I thought he was perfect. My friends and family thought (and still do) he was wonderful. We already sold everything to move back to the west, so I have nothing. I am at least thankful to be home on the west coast instead of stranded on the east coast and in this situation. I do love him, but a person can only be so supportive before they cant take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I can easily sit here and type that I am going to go home and try to talk to him, tell him how I feel, and suggest counseling (because I agree we need it). We can't even speak to each other in a civil tone. I know I started that because I have become resentful about our financial situation. I just want him to hold a job so we can be happy. We have talked about how if we didn't have financial problems we would have nothing to fight about. How long is too long to wait for someone you want to be with to get their crap together?

You have started over before and done very well for yourself. Lose the dead weight, and false hope, and start over again. You are proven winner and he is proven loser. I have faith in your ability to do what you must, even if you don't, because you have done it before, and can again, but mainly because you deserve better.

Cut your loses ASAP, and start your healing, and new beginning! You are the only one who can do this for yourself so don't depend on him any more for anything! That that always been the obstacle to your success hand happiness. Now you know, make it so...........make it better.

This is but a glitch to your better future. Another obstacle to overcome.

Good Luck.

Whether you stay with him or not, sell the truck... get something cheaper or even better, both of you start taking public transportation if it is available. It may not be your first choice, but if it is available, then you do what you need to do. Talk to your landlord, explain your financial situation, and find yourself a less expensive place to live. Find a mobile home, an apartment, someplace where you can pay much less than $2000 a month. Again, it may not be in your ideal neighbourhood, it may not be the amount of space that you would like to have, but you do what you need to do.

He simply needs to find some sort of work... there is no excuse. He may not be in a field he would like to be in, it may not be his dream job, it may not pay a great deal, but even a fast food place would bring in some much needed money. He can start by looking at places he might be able to walk to, ride a bike to, or take the bus to.

I wonder about the idea of not having anything to fight about if it weren't for finances. You mentioned how he speaks to you. Is that the norm? Be very careful that you are not staying in the relationship because you don't want to be alone.

Reality is starting to sink in. And it's hard, but, you can get through this, and survive and thrive.

Before you met him, he was the same person he is now, only you were unaware that he is a deadbeat- can't keep a job, has bad credit, sounds like a bad attitude/entitlement problem.

I hate to say this, but to put it bluntly, you were a mark. He is the type of person, as you are learning now, that will take advantage of anyone who suits his needs- financial particularly. He likes to have things he cannot afford or work for himself, and he is above all the rest of us who have to slug it out to make ends meet. His needs are met by one thing- using others. Using others is something I'd bet my bottom dollar on, that he's done many, many times before you came into the picture.

And that picture would have looked good to somebody like him. Nice woman, good credit, good job, nice lifestyle, responsible, loving, kind, generous.

As I said, you were a mark.

Consider yourself lucky that you only put 36 months into a relationship that has ruined you financially, and sucked all the life out of you emotionally.

Time to get the he** out.

Protect yourself now, first and foremost. Make certain that he has no access to your bank, bank cards, credit cards. Take him off the insurance for the truck, and sell the truck. See a lawyer and seek a contingency payment plan, and get some good advice on how to protect your assets if you need to. There will be surprises ahead for you that you have no idea about. Be prepared.

If you have family, or friends, seek their assistance in moving out, and hopefully into a home with people you know, for now. If your employer offers assistance for counseling, I strongly urge you to get to a therapist, and get all the hurt and anger and confusion out, so you can more clearly see what path you need to take. The support will be invaluable to you at this time.

Keep yourself safe, prepare a plan, and follow that plan. Stop arguing with him, or pleading with him, or making any further major investments in any way, shape, or form. Don't fall for him trying to make you feel less a woman than you are- i.e. weight gain- again, he's using his skills to keep you spinning, involved, and dependent on him. Don't let him do that.

You are expecting miracles from him, and that when he does get, and keep a job, everything will be okay. It will never be okay. He had the same patterns in behavior before you met him, during the time you were with him, and will carry on after you are gone, with the next mark. Don't be fooled by the charming, pleading, engaging man who trivializes his faults, and makes you feel like you're crazy for not believing everything he says.

Stop being a sucker. You've made a mistake- but you can recover, and you WILL recover, if you get out.

Sounds like you were much better off without him in your life, in many ways, emotionally, financially, stability, mentally. I sounds like he caught you in his web and was the "perfect" guy... knowing all the right things to say, not say, do, etc.

After the probationary review... did you ever find out from the company if he really quit or if he did not pass probation? First red flag. A real man (or woman) will take any job in order to survive in a somewhat normal fashion until something better comes along. Unsatisfactory accommodations? Sounds fishy to me. Second red flag. Sounds like someone who has already ruined their credit and can't or won't hold a job is looking for a target to suck dry and someone who is really good at it.

Confidence artists gain your confidence by being, doing, saying, acting in ways to make you believe them, you have confidence in them and everything they say. They tend to have "bad luck" a lot and you see the potential and want to stick it out and be there to help them out and give them that support they never had and the faith in them they never got. Then... it all starts to fall apart... they take, they borrow, they ruin you... slowly... financially, emotionally and mentally.

Or so it sounds. I'll bet my annual salary that he's not going to "strike it rich" the moment you walk away. That is when you start to heal and don't let him reel you back into the web he has woven. You did it once, you can do it again. You deserve better. It is hard, but it doesn't have to be miserable. And it is most certainly not fair to you. Even groups like Al anon might be worth visiting... I understand this isn't an addiction issue, but it sounds like a situation that you could benefit from being around other people who have been in unhealthy relationships and hear how they dealt with them... are dealing with them. Maybe find a stranger to talk to?

I hope I'm way off base on this interpretation of what you have gone through, have been through and are still dealing with. I have a flaw that I believe the best in people and I am too trusting and I want to help everyone and I have been taken advantage of by different people, but they all come down to some very basic similarities. While your story is unique, you are not alone.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things turn out for the best for you. Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.