We've been together for 3 yrs now. We've lived together for a yr until we graduated college. I still see him everyday and spend most of my days with him. When we first started sleeping together, we would play around in bed almost every night (we didn't want to do sex because we both didn't feel ready). However, over the course of that yr, he became less and less inclined to do anything in bed. I have gotten upset multiple times with him, while in bed, over this. His response was always that he's tired or he needs to get up early for class or he wasn't feeling well. But then, even on days when we didn't have class, he would say he's tired or make up some other excuse. It got to the point where we would only play around like maybe once every month.

Sometimes, after being intimate in bed, I would ask him if we could have sex and he would say that he would get condoms. But, he never would. I know for a fact that he's a guy who's always stressed out about his school work and career, which is very understandable. But, I also know that he would watch porn. Not regularly, but more than being intimate with me. I even brought this to his attention, yet he would just laugh guiltily or say he's sorry and that he'd be a better boyfriend. I mean, we've even showered together multiple times and sometimes, I felt like he didn't want that either. Currently, even though we don't sleep together, I see him everyday. He's studying for his Last and as always, he's stressed out about it.

For the past few days, I've been complaining to him about how we never do intimate things anymore and he told me (Again) that he's stressed out about the exam and the amount of money (which is honestly a lot) for his private tutoring. But, I still found that he'd watched porn in the last few days. When I brought this to his attention, he said that he just wants to get his work done and since he lives alone, he gets bored sometimes and that leads to him watching it. He doesn't watch it every single day, and I really don't have a problem with him watching it, but clearly he can prioritize being intimate with me if he can make time to watch those videos, regardless of if he's stressed out or not. He always tells me that I have bad timing in terms of doing anything intimate. But, can every single night I ask him be bad timing? Why does everything have to work on his clock?

I told him I feel rejected by him because no matter how much he tells me that my timings bad, or he's tired, or stressed out, or that he has a low sex drive, he clearly doesn't or he wouldn't be watching those videos. In the 3 yrs together, we've been through a lot. He knows that I'm a positive influence in his life. But, I just don't understand why he's never very intimate. I mean, if we're alone, he'll touch me intimately, but I always have to ask for him to do anything more than that. I've asked him if there's something wrong with my body. I'm brown and my vagina is slightly darker than the rest of my body. I asked him today if finds my vagina dirty because every time he looks at it, he gives it this disgusting look. It took him a few seconds to answer that question, so maybe that's it? I don't know.

I don't want to break up with him over this. It seems like he wants to work on this problem with me, but he's been willing to do that before too and that hasn't gotten us too far. What should I do? Break up with him?

Watching porn as NOTHING to do with sex drive... men who are unable to get an erection still like watching porn because guys are visual...

Its NO different than Chick flicks, or romance novels are for women.

Second thing... why do women so often say "well when we first got together we went at it like rabbits, but after X years its tapered off? Well duh... it always does... ALWAYS. Its no different than a brand new car... when you first get it you want to drive it everywhere, all the time... but buy the time you've had it for years and put a lot of miles on it... the excitement is not the same.

There is also the possibility of HOW you present this... as the old saying goes... not's not just what you say, but HOW you say it.

We only have your side in this and not his so we are only guessing what is going through his mind. And the last thing any guy wants to hear after being exhausted from work (or school) is anyone whining and bellyaching incessantly about this, that or some other thing. There is a limit as to how much stress an individual can take in a given day.. or week, or month, or year... it is cumulative, it is exhausting and a good nights sleep isn't nearly enough to get over it. And in fact given enough of it the average guy will just tune it out (in other words ignore it) to avoid going off (as in screaming and yelling).

Put a guy under enough stress... and his libido WILL take a hit... start pressuring him and he's going to shut down completely...

Seriously... what does any of that have to do with him watching porn or not? Nothing is the answer. As far as your vagina... even among fair skinned people, those with darker hair might naturally have a slightly darker pigmentation in that area. It really not unusual.

Do you keep yourself well groomed... or is there an unexplored jungle thing going on down there? A few guys might be into that... but the majority appreciate some grooming. Some like a waxed ballroom floor, some like a well manicured lawn.

(I am going to break this up into more meaningful chunks.)

We've been together for 3 yrs now. We've lived together for a yr until we graduated college. I still see him everyday and spend most of my days with him. When we first started sleeping together, we would play around in bed almost every night (we didn't want to do sex because we both didn't feel ready). However, over the course of that yr, he became less and less inclined to do anything in bed. I have gotten upset multiple times with him, while in bed, over this. His response was always that he's tired or he needs to get up early for class or he wasn't feeling well. But then, even on days when we didn't have class, he would say he's tired or make up some other excuse. It got to the point where we would only play around like maybe once every month. Sometimes, after being intimate in bed, I would ask him if we could have sex and he would say that he would get condoms. But, he never would. I know for a fact that he's a guy who's always stressed out about his school work and career, which is very understandable.

The biggest libido limiters are stress and exhaustion. If you're stressed out about something or exhausted the last thing you're going to want to do is get intimate. Either your mind is preoccupied with whatever is stressing you out and you can't get into the mood or you're too exhausted that you're about to fall asleep. It could be that he would forget the condoms, without being stressed I have often forgotten something when I am at the store for about 5 times of being at the store. It happens and I wouldn't read too much into it. I wanted to get this out of the way first so you could read the rest of this with that in mind. "Honey I have a headache" is completely valid.


But, I also know that he would watch porn. Not regularly, but more than being intimate with me. I even brought this to his attention, yet he would just laugh guiltily or say he's sorry and that he'd be a better boyfriend. I mean, we've even showered together multiple times and sometimes, I felt like he didn't want that either.Currently, even though we don't sleep together, I see him everyday. He's studying for his Last and as always, he's stressed out about it. For the past few days, I've been complaining to him about how we never do intimate things anymore and he told me (Again) that he's stressed out about the exam and the amount of money (which is honestly a lot) for his private tutoring.

Considering what you have inferred about his finances here it isn't surprising that he's not spending on condoms nor that he's really randy. I have been through this and a lot of time sex is the LAST thing on my mind.

This is true for the vast majority of the male population. We watch porn. We don't do because we're not satisified with the intimacy we're having with our partners, but because we like looking at naked ladies. It is used a seed of fantasy for when we masturbate. Which I can guarantee that he does too. This is a small opportunity for us to take of ourselves alone. Trust me when I say that we love sex, and it is rewarding and enjoyable. It is something that requires us to split our concentration between making sure we're pleasured and making sure our partner is as well. When we masturbate it is all ourselves. It is our moment of stress relief and is not unlike a bubble bath. More on this later.


But, I still found that he'd watched porn in the last few days. When I brought this to his attention, he said that he just wants to get his work done and since he lives alone, he gets bored sometimes and that leads to him watching it. He doesn't watch it every single day, and I really don't have a problem with him watching it, but clearly he can prioritize being intimate with me if he can make time to watch those videos, regardless of if he's stressed out or not. He always tells me that I have bad timing in terms of doing anything intimate. But, can every single night I ask him be bad timing? Why does everything have to work on his clock? I told him I feel rejected by him because no matter how much he tells me that my timings bad, or he's tired, or stressed out, or that he has a low sex drive, he clearly doesn't or he wouldn't be watching those videos.

Sex drive and masturbation sometimes don't mesh. Masturbation is often stress relief. A question for you, if you're on your period, or just about to get it, and you're not really in the mood, what would you do if your BF came up and asked for sex? Yes? How about if you've just got off a hard days work/study and your stinky, and exhausted, and stressed because your manager's out to get you, and is asking for a blow job and to finish on your boobs. What would you say? Yes, every night can be bad timing. You might want to try different times on different days. Morning, afternoon, evening, not just at the end of the day, I know that is when it seems most people are intimate but not always the case.

You're feeling rejected here because his life and his libido aren't matching up and you're seeing porn as "The other woman" here. I vehemently say that isn't the case. Men's arousal cycle is sensory, which means that sights, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes will arouse them. It isn't anything really we have control over. You're arousal cycle is more of a emotional, you need to feel it before you get aroused. This is why a pic won't get you going but send him a boob shot and he's going to be aroused. He's not wanting to have sex with these women, even if he had a free pass to do so, it is just a point of fantasy to get hard and off too. It is actually a stress reliever.


In the 3 yrs together, we've been through a lot. He knows that I'm a positive influence in his life. But, I just don't understand why he's never very intimate. I mean, if we're alone, he'll touch me intimately, but I always have to ask for him to do anything more than that. I've asked him if there's something wrong with my body. I'm brown and my vagina is slightly darker than the rest of my body. I asked him today if finds my vagina dirty because every time he looks at it, he gives it this disgusting look. It took him a few seconds to answer that question, so maybe that's it? I don't know. I don't want to break up with him over this. It seems like he wants to work on this problem with me, but he's been willing to do that before too and that hasn't gotten us too far.What should I do? Break up with him?

There is nothing wrong with your body. Your vulva a labia are what they are, if he doesn't like it than that is his problem.

What I see here has NOTHING to do with porn. What I see here is a relationship that is getting to or just slightly past its best before date. It is hard to say if should break up with him. What is happening is that he's got a BUTTLOAD (metric) of things going on in his life that includes you. Most of which cause him a significant amount of stress. Will this change when he graduates? Possibly. Is it going to get worse before that point? More than likely. The problem might be that he's gotten into a comfortable routine and that won't change once things are over.

I believe that he's got a lower libido than you. I think this is also a valid reason to end a relationship. It might be time to end things.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to CravenMorhead again.

Excellent answer but I can't give you a greenie.

How you ignore all the other stresses of his life, and make this about you, your body, and your needs is really beyond me.

Its about all the crap in his life, of which you know well, but ignore to blame on porn, which has been his only stress relief far longer than the 3 years you have been together. I've read your other posts, and you don't seem to have solutions outside the bedroom, so it's no wonder you have none inside the bedroom either.

Maybe you should put this 3 year relationship out of it's misery, and seek your own happiness. Think on it.

I understand it... the less he responds how you want him to, the more you feel rejected and have the need to find out why he isn't showing the interest that you would like him to. Your sense of self-esteem takes a nose dive and your focus starts to become more and more on getting him to take notice, be more intimate, respond how you think that he should, so you put more pressure on him with questions and complaining, and it becomes a vicious cycle. No doubt you throw some lines out there hoping he will take the bait, and when he doesn't, it upsets you even more.

Of course, you aren't meaning to put pressure or added stress on him, you just want him to give you some reassurance that he finds you attractive, enjoys being intimate with you, and understands what you are feeling and need from him. He doesn't get it, and he likely won't, no matter how much, or in what ways, you keep trying to get it. You will have to end the misery and worry that you are feeling by backing off and really looking at the ways he does show that he cares. Is he working hard on his schooling to obtain a good career that will eventually provide the two of you a nice life if you were to marry, or live together again, in the future? You said that he does get somewhat intimate with you, and shows affection, when you are alone.

Since you know that he is so stressed with other areas of his life, turn things around and focus on what you can do to help him relax and let go of some of his stress when you are together. Try finding some girlfriends or family members who you can go out and do things with, so that he won't feel the need to focus on not meeting your needs, which appears to be another stressor for him as well as for you. You will likely start to enjoy yourself more with your friends, and feel less of a need for attention from him. He will be free to focus on his work and other areas that require much of his time.

Perhaps you could agree to a date night once a week. One night a week, or maybe part of one weekend day, belongs to you as a couple. His focus can be on you at that time, you can look forward to your need for his time and attention getting met, and he can feel less pressure the rest of the time. Ultimately, with the pressure off, he just might start to be a little more attentive. If not, at least you won't be stressing so much over it yourself anymore.

If you just can't get passed what you feel is his lack of attention, then you may indeed need to consider ending the relationship. People do have different wants and needs, along with different desires for the level of intimacy in a relationship, and sometimes they don't mesh, no matter how much you would like them to.